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Archive of Thoughtlessness - October '03 |
I urge all Pennsylvanians to join me in supporting Proposition 235. For those of you who haven't heard, Proposition 235 would make it a felony (Punishable by up to five years in a Federal prison) to refer to Wednesday as "Hump Day" Oh, I forget to mention, yesterday, that a review of Joe Conason's Big Lies has been posted and that October's Book of the Month has been selected. This marks the first time in six months that the Book of the Month was selected in the beginning of the month. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:  fluarew - Talk nonsense If the above word looks like gibberish to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. |
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 The Colossal Colon made a stop in Philly this week so I made sure that I covered the event for Paul's show. Oddly the rest of the press seemed to be ignoring the colon. Strange. I'll edit the piece over the weekend and, hopefully, it'll be on the air next week. For those of you who don't live in Philly, I'll let you know when the Real Audio version gets uploaded. Trust me, you won't wanna miss it - something very bizarre comes out about the colon.  Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: wh - Help! If the above word looks like gibberish to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Pimpdaddy |
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This really hasn't been the best week for the Republicans. Arnold Scwartzenegger was exposed as an alleged ass-groper and admirer of Hitler. Rush Limbaugh may've been addicted to OxyContin, which is often known by its more colorful nickname ? "Hillbilly Heroin". [For an unintentionally hilarious take on both of these incidents, check out Bill "Fair & Balanced" O'Reilly's "thoughts" ] The top U.S. weapons hunter in Iraq filed a reported saying he could not find weapons of mass destruction. And once again, the mothership failed to pick up Rick Santorum. Cheer up, Republicans. I'm planning to vote for Sam Katz this November, and I'm a Green. Hey, maybe you guys should think about running a few more guys like Katz and a few less like Trent Lott. Damn that as preachy. Let's learn some Greek! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: Over the last two weeks, we've had a damn good time sticking a direct object in front of singular and plura feminine nouns. For ol' times sake, let's review:
Ok, you've got that, right? Flash cards help. Trust me. Well, then get a study-buddy. Good; let's move on to declining a singular masculine noun - pay close attention, as before to the direct object:
Nest week: Masculine Plurals. If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Buttmunch. |
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Hey, there's a new Life with the Poor, what more do you want? By the way, on my second trip to get coffee today, I ran into one of the cast of the Real World. Speaking of colossal colons, many of you have written me for more information on the Colossal Colon. All of your questions can be answered at www.colossalcolon.com. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:  katesqiw - eat up, devour If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Buttmunch. |
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In the very last episode ["Goodbye"] of the very last season of Blackadder [Blackadder Goes Forth], the writters unleashed the funniest gag ever written. Whenever I'm depressed, I pop in my tape of that episode and fast-forward to the following scene: Edmund: Baldrick, fix us some coffee, will you? And try to make it taste slightly less like mud this time. Baldrick: Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain. Edmund: Why is this? Baldrick: 'cause it is mud. We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago. Edmund: So every time I've drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been drinking hot mud... Baldrick: With sugar. Edmund: Which of course makes all the difference. Baldrick: Well, it would do if we had any sugar, but, unfortunately, we ran out New Year's Eve 1915, since when I've been using sugar substitute. Edmund: Which is...? Baldrick: Dandruff. Edmund: Brilliant. Baldrick: Still, I could add some milk this time -- well, saliva... Edmund: No, no, thank you, Baldrick. Call me Mr Picky, but I think I'll cancel the coffee. [Later on Catain Darling drops by] Edmund: Cup of coffee, Darling? Darling: Oh, thank you. Edmund: Baldrick, do the honours. Baldrick: (comes from kitchen) Sir. (to Darling) Sugar, sir? Darling: Three lumps. Edmund: Think you can manage three *lumps*, Baldrick? Baldrick: I'll rummage around, see what I can find, sir. (turns back to kitchen) Darling: Make it a milky one. Baldrick: Coming up, sir. (outside; while Melchett and George speak, Baldrick can be heard hawking up a great deal of `milk') (inside, Baldrick spits, then returns with the mug) Baldrick: Here you are, sir. Darling: (looks in the mug) Ah, cappucino! Have you got any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top? Baldrick: Well, I'm sure I could m-- Edmund: No, no! Are you depressed? Confused? Lost? Than why not consult the Oracle of Phildelphia? Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:  spodia - heap of ashes, ashes If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Buttmunch. |
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Whenever someone asks me why I always act like I'm superior to everybody (and I get asked this three or four times a day), I usually respond with "I can't help it. The public keeps doing stupid things. What choice do I have?" (My next most popular reply is "Blow me, rim-lapper."). Case-in-point, Arnold Schwartzenegger is ahead in the California Gubernatorial race. Look, I'll admit that I'm not the smartest guy on the planet (I'm no Ralph Nader, Stephan Hawkings, or Ed Norton), but I am, easily, 300 billion times smarter than Arnold Schwartzenegger (Since Arnold is a close friend of a close friend of mine, I'm running the risk of a serious ass-kicking here, folks). Sadly Arnold is about 100,000 times smarter than the people who are voting for him. Have you seen Arnold's fans...er...voting block on TV? I saw a woman on the news last night who, when asked why she was voting for Arnold, blinked like a deer in the path of a semi and then stammered out "Um…he's pro-child." PRO-CHILD??!!?? What the fuck does that mean? Who the fuck, other than me, is anti-child? Admit it; Homosapians have done a pretty piss-poor job with their time on the Earth. Sure, Cool As Ice bombed at the box office, but that was the last time that I can remember feeling hopeful for the future of humanity. If there really is some sort of intelligence guiding the cosmos, then please send another asteroid hurtling toward Earth. You did it for the Dinosaurs, it's the least you could do for us. so the ancient Greek word of the Day will be presented by:  Available in finer record stores (and a few shitty ones) euwriazw - disregard, neglect If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Rim-lapper. |
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 Many of you have written me to ask just what I'm doing in Iraq and why I'm
doing whatever I'm doing while wearing a Civil War era uniform. Well, those
two issues are intertwined, so to speak. You see, I am a proud member of
the National Guard. Now, I don't belong to just any ol' Guard unit. No, I'm
a member of the Acting 101st Pennsylvania brigade. By "Acting" I mean that
we specialize in Civil War re-enactment. That explains the uniform. Let me
tell you, being in this unit used to be a pretty sweet gig, too. Since we
have to stay in character, we never got called out to handle things like
riots. Once, we did get called on to help out with a flood, but we stayed
in character and handled it the way real Union soldiers would've -
we sat around and smoked while the "colored" troops did all the work. Every
now-and-then we'd have to go to a Junior High and talk to the kids about
safety, but since getting kicked by a mule isn't as common today as it was
in say 1862, most principals never ask us to come back.Anyway, one day, last may, we got orders to pack up our bed rolls, muskets, and hard tack and ship out to Iraq. Since then my life has been a living Hell. You try walking around in 120-degree weather in a wool uniform and you'll know what I mean. Folks, I'm chafing like a bear. Shit, the first day I was here, we tried to scare off some goat-jockeys with our "fire-sticks" and they opened up on us with uzis. Well, that's where I am and how I got here. I guess it could be worse. Last week the entire 235th "Mainers" (Who specialize in portraying Quaker farmers) were wiped out in a rocket attack while painting a barn. - Lt Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski doloj - trick, guile If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Rim-lapper. |
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There must've been a point when a Neanderthal man, looking at his fellow cave dwellers and their heavy spears that had not changed in millennia and the jewelry with which they adorned themselves - jewelry they didn't create themselves, but got from more advanced hominids - and thought to himself "Fuck it. I quit." I almost reached that point last night when over three million residents of the most populace state in the most prosperous country in the history of mankind voted to elect a man Governor because they saw one of his movies on the picture box while they were waiting for their government check. Only two things are keeping me going folks, the first is, of course, Aqua Teen Hunger Force (I love that cartoon) and the second is this:  That's part of a vase, painted around 500 by (you guessed it) the ancient Greeks showing the "Monster of Troy." For years art historians thought that it was a bad rendering of a monster sticking its head out of a cave. Then along came Adrienne Mayor, who pointed out in her book The First Fossil Hunters that what it really appears to be is a fossilized skull. In other words, it's entirely possible that what the person who painted the vase was trying to say was "Maybe all the old legends about monsters and heroes are stories that people made up to explain the big bones that they kept finding. This may not be the accepted thinking of the day, but I'm going to paint that little message on to this vase in the hope that, someday, somebody will look at it and know that I was right." What you are looking at, folks, is a 2,500 year-old message in a bottle. upodhma - sandal If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Barn Stopmer. |
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Sorry about the short Thoughtless tonight (Quit your complaining, the last few have been novels), but I need to slip away early so that I can listen to THIS. I haven't heard it yet, but, apparently Philly's own Terry Gross made Bill O'Reilly cry like a little bitch. Send that link around, folks. Speaking of radio, the story behind the debacle that was my report on AnthroCon will be posted later tonight. ikethj - supliant If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Barn Stopmer. |
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I don't know how many of you caught Terry Gross's interview with Bill O'Reilly (Did it seem to anyone else that O'Reilly waited until the show was almost over then "found" something to become angry and storm out over, just so he could claim he "took on NPR"?) But, for the benefit of those of you who did, I'd just like to pint out a few "inconsistent" statements that O'Reilly made (I'm not calling him a liar - that's Al Franken's job):
Hey, teens! Rodney Anonymous sez: "Addiction is no laughing matter… 
unless, of course, the addict is fat, pill-popping idiot." Let's learn some ancient Greek Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: Last week we saw how the definite article works in relation to singular male nouns. Time for a review:
This week it's the plural version:
Next week it'll be neuter nouns - both singular and plural. Plus a handy chart that should fill all of your definite article needs. If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Barn Stopmer. |
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What followers is a small selection from one of my many unfinished novels. Now you'll know why it may not be such a bad thing that they're unfinished. Calaverti positioned himself over the coroner's shoulder so the he watch the fat man fill in the line adjacent to Cause of death. In almost eleven years on the force, Calaverti had never seen a corpse in this kind of shapes, so he wasn't about to wait for the coroner to fill-in-the-blank, follow it his inevitable sigh, then would come the squeaking of the coroner's chair. A pause. And, finally, "It is my professional opinion…" When Calaverti saw the cause of death he stared blankly at the word. He was shaken from his trance by a sigh, the squeaking of a chair, and the coroner's voice. "It is my professional opinion…" "Boredom?" "What? You never heard the term 'Bored to d...'" As if anticipating the Coroner's words, Calaverti jumped in "I've also heard of 'Laughing your balls off', but that doesn't make it a medical condition." With great effort, the Coroner pushed himself away from his desk and rose to his feet. He was large man and, although it was difficult for him to set himself in motion, once there it was difficult him to come to a stop. He seized a large brown book from a self filled with similar volumes, slammed it on the desk and began thumbing through it. Finally he stopped, rested his finger at the top of a page and said "'Testicular Humorosis'. Or, in layman's terms, 'Laughing your balls off'". Calaverti took a quick took at the page and then instinctively covered his crotch with his right hand. "Make ya' think twice about walkin' into a comedy club, eh?" the Coroner said. It took a few heart beats, but Calaverti recovered "Half this guy's face is gone. Are you gonna tell me…" The Coroner, who had resumed thumbing through the book as Calaverti spoke broke in with "Ah ha! Here it is. 'Necros Tedia'." The page contained several drawings and a few photographs of horribly mutilated bodies. "Granted," the Coroner resumed "it's not nearly as prevalent as it used to be. Kinda peaked back in the Fifties. I hadn't seen a case, myself. Well, other than in the text books, until they brought in that other guy…" "Other guy?" "Yeah, about two weeks ago. Jesus, I'd of told you about him if you'd given me half the chance. He was a lot worse shape than…" "Worse?" "Shit yeah, he worked in a pencil factory. Your guy was a programmer. The crappier the job the worse the corpse. Christ, it's all there in the report." iatroj - doctor If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Sorry that this was posted a little late but I took a nap and overslept.  Have any of you ever encountered the "Thank God it's Monday" people. These are the idiots who are happy to show up at their crappy jobs. There aren't many of them where I work now, but there were tons of 'em at my old corporation. How bad could a person's home life be if work is a happy alternative? "My wife's sleeping with the garbage man and my kids hate me, but I was just named District Sales Manager!" pattaloj - peg If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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 Don't ask me how or where I found the following letter. Just enjoy it for what it is: X December 11, 1997 Steven Reddicliffe, Editor in Chief Letters Department TV Guide Radnor, Pennsylvania 19088 Dear Mr. Reddicliffe: I greatly applaud TV Guide's on-going recognition and celebration of Star Trek through the collectors editions covers. In addition to being a fan of Star Trek, I've also been a reader of TV Guide since the early 1960s. But, I'm very disappointed in your presentation of the Star Trek captains. True, each captain was presented but not in proper Trek chronology. Worse, it's insulting because - on the face of it - yet again white males AND a white female must FIRST be recognized before a Black man's rightful achievement can be recognized. Yes, you applauded Star Trek but obviously you don't know what "TREK" is about. Trek was not and is not about one race or sex being better than another. For one thing, Trek is about the individual being recognized for his or her accomplishments, or failures. In your "From the Editor" article you saw fit to list the Trek captains in their proper chronology. If "race" and "sex" wasn't an ISSUE then why did you change the proper Trek chronology by sequencing Kate Mulgrew's "Captain Janeway" before Avery Brooks' "Captain Sisko"? Sadly, even your internet home page (during this period) positioned a picture of Captain Janeway before Captain Sisko. Captain Kirk is my favorite. However, I equally respect the characters of the other Trek captains and the actors who bring these characters to life. Respect. Proper respect for the characters, the actors. I simply request you "respect" the values of Star Trek should TV Guide decide to celebrate Star Trek turning 40 or 50! Please. Sincerely, pronoew - think beforehand If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Now hear this! Rush Limbaugh will be making a "surprise" call into the Paul Kircher Show (860 am - Just in case I've never mentioned that) at approx. 3:30 pm tomorrow (Oct 15th - Jack Talcum Day!). Since Rush tends to sound a little like me doing a bad Rush Limbaugh impersonation, I have to stop typing this and start typing something else. Oh, this weekend's movie has been posted. prosballw - attack, assault If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Happy Jack Talcum Day, everybody. And what a Jack Talcum Day it's been. Blustery conditions, here in the Northeast, delayed many traditional Jack Talcum Day activities. Here in Philly, the soup hunt had to be canceled. Rush Limbaugh took advantage of the holiday to call in to the Paul Kircher. Sadly, Rush was cut off before he had the chance to ask a guest from FOX News how Bill O'Reilly manages to read his cue cards through the tiny eye holes in his pointy hood. As many of you know, Vienna and I were married on Jack Talcum Day. What? Does this mean that we celebrate our anniversary and not the birth of Jack Talcum? Of course not, we switch off every-other-year. On even numbered years we, like the rest of the world, celebrate jack Talcum Day. On odd numbered years we celebrate our anniversary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to celebrate nine wonderful years of marriage, while the rest of you enjoy your traditional Jack Talcum Day activities. Remember to leave those bowls of "soul soup" out for Jack, kids.  pannuxioj - all night long If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Fongo, who's still serving in Iraq, was kind enough to copy me on this email he sent to the White House Dear Mr. President,This war totally sucks ass. I don't know if you've ever been here or not (I heard you're not big on the travel thing), but Iraq is hot, dusty, and everybody here talks like that cab driver who charged me $57.60 to go from the airport to center city. Besides, I don't know how you expect us to find this Osama Hussein dude, when everybody over here looks just like him ? even the women. I swear, you don't see this many mustaches on the corner of Castro and Polk. And even if we do find him, he's just gonna be all pissed off and shit 'cause we killed his sons. Remember how mad you were when your daughters got busted? Look, I know that your s'pose to be my Commander-In-Chief and all that, but - if you ask me - you're acting like a big fem. Be a man. Apologize for sending decent football-phone owning guys like me to this hellhole. Hopefully then we can get some Frogs, Krauts, and Rooskies over here and I can go home. Lt. Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski Oh, the Elizabeth Fiend piece has been posted. hmoj - when If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Two guys, down in Florida, were tooling around in a rowboat when they spotted a manatee sleeping in the water a few yards away. One of the guys suggested that the row up next to it. The other guy wondered why he wanted to do that. "So I can ride it" the first guy said. The other guy reminded him that there's a huge fine for disturbing manatees, but the fist guy insisted, so they quietly rowed up next to it. The first guy carefully stood up in the rowboat and then leapt onto the manatee's back - and sank right into it. You see, the manatee wasn't sleeping; it was dead and had rotted. Once inside the manatee carcass, the first guy began to vomit uncontrollably and had to be rescued by his friend. Let's learn some Greek. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: Last week we wrapped up masculine nouns. This week, we'll look at the definite article's role with neuter nouns. Ready?
Not a whole lot of diffence from the masculine nouns. OK, here's that chart I promised you. It'll help you learn your definite articles:
Now, a brief word about the indefinite artice ("a" and "an") - there is none. If you were to translate the following sentance litteraly o Odusseuj kruptei eauton upo elaa it would be "Odysseus hides himself beneath olive tree". You need to supply the "an". Got it? Good, 'cause next week we'll have a talk about prepositions and then we'll enter the nightmarish world of Greek verbs. If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Sorry about the lack of Thoughtlessness over the weekend, folks. But, if anybody deserves a little vacation, it's me. In fact, I was going t write a piece for today about how yuppie tourists searching for some kind of "Rural Experience" (because they all live crappy "Planned Communities" that are actually future ghettoes) have ruined one of my favorite childhood spots by flocking to it in huge numbers with their malodorous offspring ("JENNIFER! JASON! I said come over here NOW!"), but I'm still too tired and rather depressed (I hate being depressed in the Fall. It's like waking up on a beautiful Saturday with a toothache). Instead, I'm gonna slack off and watch either The Man Who Would Be King or The Erotic Time Machine. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: agw - lead away If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Well, it's Tuesday night and my batteries are starting to recharge, which means that I should be back to wring at full gallop by the end of the week. Vienna and I have been watching The Six Wives of Henry VIII on PBS. Last night Vienna was greatly cheered up by the execution of Anne Bolin, while I still remain mysteriously depressed. For those of you who are not from Philly, I'd like to take a minute to explain what's going on here. Our Mayor, a Conservative African-American Democrat is running for re-election. He is also currently being investigated by the FBI. You'd thing an investigation by the Feds would be good news for the challenger, a Liberal White Republican, but it isn't. The investigation has caused the Mayor's lead in the Polls to jump up. Got that? What to Rent for this week has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: aitia - blame If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dog snatcher. |
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Some days I just feel like screaming at inanimate objects, or making crank calls, or sticking "I KILL COPS" bumper stickers on the backs of Hummers, or pointing out to strangers on the street that Mother Theresa was a fraud, or circulating petitions make talking in a movie theater punishable by flogging, or paying some suburban death metal kids to "redecorate" someone's home (…and in the nursery - a cradle of filth!), or posting the names and addresses of people who slap their kids in public (or in private) along with maps showing how to get to their homes, or robbing a series of banks and then using the money to launch a cable network that only shows 1960's highway safety films, or putting a framed picture of Squeaky Fromme on my desk at work, or inventing a new teen dance craze that utilizes a live wombat, or installing razor wire between all the urinals in a men's room, or writing to the Pope of the Greek Orthodox Church and saying "I'm sorry that that other Pope gets all the attention.". or being happy - if just for a few minutes. What to Do for this week has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: akth - beach, shore If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Bird Strangler. |
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Halloween is only a week away and I have no plans. This like realizing that it's the day before Christmas and you haven't done any shopping (or, for our Jewish readers, it's the first night of Chanukah and you've forgotten to steal a Christian baby for the big sacrifice) - only worse, because Halloween is Christmas' cooler older brother (Think Racer X). Last year, Vienna and I went full tilt and spent Halloween at Lizzy Borden's house. This year it looks like it'll be a quiet evening at home. Damn. I was looking forward to raising some Hell. By the way, does anybody out there know what happened to the two giant skeletons that used to be kept at the PA State museum in Harrisburg? This is kinda important. Oh, and the Fringe Fest piece has been posted. What to Do for this week has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: amaca - wagon w Rush Limbaugh estin en th amach Rush Limbaugh is on the wagon
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Bird Strangler. |
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I just sound out that only one half of one percent of all Americans think they're going to Hell. I fall into that one half of one percent. OK, tecnically, I think I'm going to the House of Hades (h oikia thj )Aidhj), along with everybody else, to mill about like a zombie for all eternity. But, for the sake of argument, let's say that the experts (and by "experts" I mean those people whom I hand Dionysus pamphlets to when I accept their Jesus pamphlets) are right and I'm going to Hell. What would Hell be like for me? The answer is, of course, an endless evening with Mark Russell. Let's learn some Greek. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: anamenw - to wait w Rush Limbaugh kia Swkrathj anamenousi tw oxikontw Rush Limbaugh and Socrates wait for Oxicontin
Ok, over the last few weeks, we've dealt with the various definite articles and nouns of different gender. This week we'll tackle the ungodly nightmare of Greek verbs. The toga wearing lunatics that we call the ancient Greeks didn't separate their pronouns and verbs the way decent people like us and the Germans do. It's best explained with a chart:
Now, go back and look at the Greek just above Rush Limbaugh's head. anamenousi means they wait. Got it? If not, email me and we'll run through it again. Next week we'll look at the future tense and I'll explain why the nu at the end of luousi is in parentheses. If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Bird Strangler. |
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Sorry that I'm posting so late folks, but I've had a busy day. Here's a chunk of it: Vienna and I went to a huge flea market at Gloria Dei this morning. Why walking around we came across a couple selling turtle hatchlings in small, plastic "terrariums". Why should this concern us? You see, Vienna has been crusading against the sale of turtles for years. These poor animals are breed in and kept under horrendous conditions. They seldom live more than a few weeks. Vienna informed the people behind the table that it's illegal to sell hatchlings. They took the two "terrariums" that they had on display and put them under the table. I guess their plan was to wait until we left and then place the turtles back on the table. Vienna wasn't about to fall for that. She found a cop. The cop asked the vendor if he could see the turtles. The vendor reached down and pulled out one "terrarium" and handed to the cop. "Do you have any more of these?" asked the cop. "No" lied the vendor. "Bullshit" said Vienna. "He's got more under the table. Never lie to a Philly cop, folks. "Lemme see 'em" said the now pissed off cop. The vendor reached under the table and produced another "terrarium" (these things were only about six inches long by about four inches wide). The cop wasn't buying it. "Show me all of them" he said. And that's when I almost vomited. The vendor produced another half dozen little plastic prisons packed with turtles - most of them half dead. In order to maximize space, the vendor had placed no water in the "terrariums" (these were aquatic turtles). What the had placed in the containers was plastic bags. This allowed him to stack the containers one inside the other - nearly crushing and suffocating the turtles. I'm not a member of PETA, but my stomach rolled over. I'll skip the details of the smell. Now the cop was in a land beyond pissed off. "Is this how you treat animals?" he shouted. How did it all end? Well, thanks the Vienna, there's a turtle torturing asshole who's looking at fines and a visit from animal control. Cheer up - Life With The Poor Number 18 is here! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: andreia - courage If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Nard Knocker. |
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I have a few additions to Proposition 235: Any network claiming to run a marathon of horror movies, must show great horror movies and not crap. The original The Haunting is a great horror movie. Te re-make is total crap. Island of Lost Souls is a great movie. Puppet Master is total crap. As a general rule, if it was made by Hammer films feel free to show it. Also, no children's specials featuring friendly ghosts. Children need to learn the meaning of fear and the sooner the better. Dark Shadows never pulled any punches with me and I turned out ok. If a person doesn't learn to hide behind the sofa in abject terror when they're a kid, what change do they stand when their in college and having their first bad trip? Think about it. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: blepw - see If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Nard Knocker. |
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Today marks the start of a four part Thoughtless on bullying. Having been both a victim and perpetrator of bullying, I am uniquely (well maybe not so uniquely) qualified to put forth the following thoughts and theories. Part one: The evolution of the bully. Let's start with the basic question. Why do people bully each other? The reason must have some Darwinian/Freudian (read "sexual") origin. After all, within any tribe of primates (with the possible exception of Bonobo apes) there exists an "Alpha Male" who uses intimidation of the weaker males as a way of attracting as many female mates as possible. Hell, look at the rat pack, if Joey Bishop even stepped a little out of line, Frank would slap him senseless. Once tribes became aware of other tribes the males of each tribe began to fear that the other tribe would kill them and take their women. And so the "first strike" method of tribal relations was born. Primitive man didn't to manufacture bullshit excuses about Weapons of Mass Destruction. They just noticed another tribe that looked slightly different and they lobbed the males' heads off and carried the women back to the cave. And it wasn't just the biggest hominids wiping out the smaller ones. No, the carnage cut both ways. As soon as the smarter hominids invented things like the sling, the bow and arrow, and the Italian they immediately tested the new devices on the dumber, less technological advanced hominids. Remember what we did to Worley's message board? So, if you have both an X and a Y chromosome, bullying is part of your genetic heritage. Congratulations, you knuckle dragging bastards. But what about women? Do women, in fact, bully each other? For the answer to this question we most look to that fount of sociological wisdom - Seinfeld. Jerry: Don't girls bully each other. Elaine: No. We would just tease another girl until she develops an eating disorder. Tomorrow: High School - Gladiatorial Training School for Bullies. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: gh - land, earth, world If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater. |
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Yesterday we explored the Darwinian and Freudian reasons for bullying. Today we'll examine the Marxist viewpoint by looking at the American school system. When my friend, Brendan, was in Junior High, he was constantly picked on a bully. One day Brendan snapped threw the bully against a wall and started beating the shit out of him. When Brendan finally stopped, the bully, though his tears, sobbed "If you ever beat me up again, I'll kick your ass." The point of the story is that any group that oppressing another must keep the oppressed group in a constant state of terror, or else they'll rebel. Look what happened to the English in Africa Or what happened in Columbine. If Jocks, Greasers, and Speeds didn't constantly terrorize nerds, art fags, and freaks the later groups might take over (For an example of this, see the classic film Massacre at Central High.) what did we learn happens from yesterday's little chat? That's right, the group that takes over immediately takes the deposed group's women. So, you see, the Captain of the football team wasn't holding your head in that toilet because he was a total asshole. I mean, he was, but he was also protecting his right to violate the head cheerleader. As someone who was beaten up everyday in school, I'm glad to finally realize that it wasn't personal. Kind of makes up for the occasional blurred vision. "But what about the bullies who picked on the gay students?" you might well ask. "It's not like there's any danger of losing their women to them." Fair question. OK, the reason bullies pick on gays is to prove that the bullies aren't gay. They're trying to send a signal that says, "Hey, ladies, see how much I despise this little fruit here? That means that I couldn't possibly be gay, too - no matter how long I stare at the other guys' schlongs in the shower after practice. Mate with me." So it's still about sex. OK, tomorrow we'll look at what happens when the shoe is on the other foot. Or, as I like to call it, college. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: kaloj - handsome, beautiful, fine If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater. |
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Once, back when I was in college, I beat up a jock in front of a room full of people (mostly attractive females). As you've probably guessed, I beat the guy up verbally. I was in one of my law classes, (which explains the large number of women in the class. This was at the beginning of a huge influx of women into the legal profession, which I might add; women are great at since they're unencumbered by such things as seeing both sides of an issue.) and this poor dope had droned on for about ten minutes (ten minutes of my precious time, that I'd worked all summer to help pay for.) trying to make some moronic point or another when the Prof. (who hated this guy as much - if not more - than I did and was looking for someone to do his dirty work) cut him off and said "Mr. Linderman, what do you think?" For the next quarter of an hour I gave Captain Tiny IQ the equivalent of an intellectual keelhauling. I was completely merciless. I was like a shark closing in on a blind, deaf, and slightly retarded sea lion. I was also a complete asshole. The next day the guy dropped the course (Technically, he shouldn't have taken it in the first place. He had been a Criminal Justice major and that turf was being fought over by Poli Sci and Pre Law. It was like someone in a Klan outfit wandering into territorial dispute between the Crips and Bloods.). Here are the two things I learned that day: One. College is a Bizzaro World where jocks live in fear and geeks rule with an iron fist. It's like some benevolent being took High School and flipped it on its head. Most jocks (with the exception of my roommate who was not only a football player and a History Major, but also my best friend) live in a state of constant dread for the four years that they're holed up in a University. They fear getting injured on the field, or losing their athletic scholarships, or flunking out. Any one of these disasters could land Mr. Beefycheese a one-way ticket back to his hometown where he'll be free to pursue a career in the Fast Food Arts. Two. I am a bully. Given the opportunity, I'm no better than any of the Neanderthals who beat me senseless everyday for the thirteen years that I was sentenced to public school. All those countess hour spent reading Thoreau and for what? I was disgusted with myself. Of course, I wasn't too disgusted that I didn't do it again at a party a few weeks later. And again, in a Creative writing class a few weeks after that. In fact, no matter how hard I've tried, over the years, to stop ripping someone a new one just 'cuz they've gotten a few facts wrong, I can't. I've become the thing I most hate. My name is Rodney Anonymous and I am a bully. Tomorrow: Bill O'Reilly brings bullying full circle Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: aiskroj - ugly, disgraceful If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater. |
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So how does this musing about bullies lead us to Bill O'Reilly? Funny you should ask. I don't know if O'Reilly was a bully in High School, but O'Reilly admits to being a jock during his school years (He claims to have lettered in four sports. [Football, Baseball, Basketball, and Women's Water Polo]. Of course, knowing the problems O'Reilly's had in the past with facts…). Judging from personal experience "jock" and "bully" go together like "choke" and "Eagles", so I'm gonna go out on a limb and presuppose that O'Reilly handed out his share of swirlies during his stint in Catholic School. O'Reilly's ol' man also seems to have had a bit of a violent streak, by the way. What I'm pretty-goddamn-sure-as-shootin' positive about is that O'Reilly was bullied in college (verbally - see yesterday's piece). I think some pinko lefty like me probably ripped Bill a new one in front of History Of Western European 101 class, and Bill never forgot. In fact, Bill not only never forgot it, he vowed he'd find a way to get even. And he did. That's why, whenever one of Bill's "guests" on The O'Reilly Factor makes a point that causes Bill even the slightest twinge of cognitive dissidence he screams "That's it. Interview over. CUT HIS MIKE!" Now you know. And knowing is half the battle. Fuctard of the MomentThe following is from a CNN piece about SUVs on campus: Robert Gardner's Ford Explorer had "no" etched into its front windshield. Gardner, a sophomore from Memphis, Tennessee, was upset because driving an SUV for him isn't so much a personal choice as a matter of financial circumstance. Hey, I've got a Halloween to prepare for! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: dikaioj - just If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater. |
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Despite the fact that Vienna has a cold and we're spending this Halloween at home, I still decided to take the day off work to show the holiday a little respect. My day so far has been kinda like this:
Oh, I almost forgot - in honor of Halloween, the Colossal Colon piece has been posted! 
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: poluj - much If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater. |
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