Archive of Thoughtlessness

Archive of Thoughtlessness - November '03

Nov. 01, 2003

Audio Archeology
This morning I was digging through a bunch of old tapes. I was searching for a song I wanted to remix when I came upon something I thought I'd never see again - the "lost" Burn Witch Burn tape.

Here's the story behind the tape. A few years back the More Fiends were scheduled to play on WKDU, but had to bail at the last minute (and by last minute, I mean that the show was only about three hours away). KDU called BWB and we rounded up ourselves up (there were six of us at that point. This was during the "classic" BWB years when Brett was still in the band) and headed down to the station and played live. Our performance was surprisingly good. In fact, I plan to re-master the whole thing and put it up on the site. Here's a little taste in honor of the Day of the Dead. It's BWB covering "Alice" by The Sisters of Mercy.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
megaj - great, big

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 03, 2003

'Tard Write Zone Special Edition

Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of The 'Tard Write Zone. These two letters appeared in today's Daily News:

I'M NOT sure why I am amazed at the movement to have "one nation under God" removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. It seems that a small group in the country find it necessary to try to erase God from everything, and those of us who claim to believe in God have not stood up to say stop.
The Founding Fathers - and Mothers - understood that without God, nothing is possible.
There is not a day that any of us wake up under our own power. It is by the grace and mercy of God that this is possible.
I humbly ask that those of us who believe in God stand up and make our voices heard, so that God is not erased.
The constitutional provision regarding church and state was not meant that we should not recognize that God exists and not plead that He continues to watch over our country and our world.

Angela F. Taylor
Philadelphia

Your editorial page declares "Honor thy Founding Fathers" and their decision that God and government don't belong together. May I quote chapter and verse, as they say?
Declaration of Independence: "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator..."
"With a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."
Constitution, Article VII: "The Seventeenth day of September in the year of Our Lord one thousand seven hundred eighty-seven."
Amendment, Article 1: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address: "That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom."
Now is the time for nervous liberals like Daily News editorial writers to lock down the new Constitution Center before too many read the words of these great Founding Fathers.
Albert J. Robinson
Philadelphia

For the first time in my life, I actually felt compelled to send a letter to the Editor. Here it is:

This is in response to the double-dose of stupidity given to us on Nov. 3rd by Albert "Goober" Robinson and Angela "Gomer" Taylor
While Mr. Robinson was kind enough to supply us (and his friends down at the feed store) with several quotes about God and the US Government, he somehow failed to miss the most important one: "As the government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian Religion..." That's from the Treaty of Tripoli, signed in 1797 by none other than one of our Founding Fathers, John Adams, and unanimously approved by the Senate.
Mr. Robinson's incredible ignorance on this subject may be due to the fact that information of this sort is found in books and his ilk then to avoid books like the plague. Unless, of course, they're burning them.
Ms. Taylor was perhaps too distracted by a Dukes of Hazard re-run to mention the fact that the words "Under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954, as a supposed effrontery to Communists. Since our new enemy (Al Qaeda) are not Communists but religious fanatics who don't believe in the separation of Church and State, now would be a great time to remove those two words.
If Mr. Robinson and Ms. Taylor are so desirous of living in a Theocracy, may I suggest that they move to Iran where they can finally have the type of Government that they not only long for, but also so deeply deserve.

Sincerely,
Rodney P. Linderman
Philadelphia

I realize that it's not going to get printed, but it felt good to write and send it anyway.
And don't forget to stop by tomorrow for the bestest Election Coverage anywhere.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
egeiw - to awaken

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 04, 2003

Police and Thieves
If I vote for you, chances are that you're gonna lose. So I might as well declare John Street the winner in the Mayoral election. Despite this, I will be posting election results as they come in on the "Scrolly thing" (That's right; it's back for one night only).

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
edwdh - food

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 05, 2003

Crazed, bigoted homophobe re-elected mayor of the world's most important city.
    I'm trying to put the best face possible on "Mayor Street - the sequel". The best I can do is to remind myself of Aesop's fable about the frogs and the log. It seems that once, a long time ago, a group of frogs asked Zeus to send them a king (Hey, I don't make fun of your religion do I? OK, maybe I do, but that's beside the point). Zeus tossed a log into their pond, basically saying, "Here's your freakin' king. Now piss off."

     However the frogs were not happy with this arrangement. It seems that they found their new leader to be a lad lifeless and lazy, so they asked Zeus to send them a more proactive king. This time Zeus sent a large snake that proceeded to devour the frogs. The moral is that, sometimes, lazy leaders are better than ambitious ones. If this is true, Philly is in for the best four years in its history.

    In other political news, CBS turned into a little girl today and cancelled the miniseries based on the Reagan's. RATYHTL managed to snap up the series for a song (If You Love Somebody Better Set Them On Fire) and I'll be showing the parts that Bill O'Reilly found the most objectionable.

Tonight's Episode: Gardening.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
batraxoj - frog

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 06, 2003

Oh My God! They've Killed Cutie Patootie! You Bastards!

Ms. Toepfer recounted a private meeting with Ms. O'Donnell following an all-staff gathering on July 22 during which Ms. O'Donnell was to have said, "You tried to kill Cutie Patootie!" -- a back page feature in which Ms. O'Donnell interviewed very young children. (The feature continued to run on the back page for the remainder of the magazine's existence.)

If you're like me then not only can you walk around inside a submarine without worrying about bumping your head, but you've also been following the civil trial that's pitting shambling butter-beast Rosie O'Donnell against the former publishers of her now defunct magazine "Rosie".

Yesterday, fans of great literature where shocked to learn that Rosie had openly accused one of the editors of attempting to kill Cutie Patootie - a recurring feature in which Rosie interviewed small children. That's pretty much the equivalent of accusing someone of taking a dump on the Magna Carte. Hey, I'm no fan of lard-monster O'Donnell, but - gosh darn it! - I loved Cutie Patootie, so, in the interest of exceptional journalism I'll be re-creating it from time-to-time (which we all know means that I'll do it this once, then get bored and move on.).

Rosie: How old are you?

Jarred Hoskins. Age 8: You smell funny. Like the loading dock where my Gramps works.

Rosie: That's a lie! A goddamn lie! Do you know what happens to liars?

Jarred: I wanna go home. Mommy !!!

Rosie: They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again. *

Jarred: Your mouth's all foamy.

Rosie: Men are selling guns to children. Did you know that? That's what men do; the sell guns to little children.

Jarred: I wish I had a gun right now.

* Rosie not only said this, but she said it to Cindy Spengler who was, at the time, recovering from cancer.

An now, another episode of the RATYHTL miniseries The Reagan's:

Tonight's Episode: The Guest.

Notice: Due to an illness in my family (OK, who said "mental"?), I'll be taking tomorrow and possibly Saturday off. See ya'll on Sunday.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
deimainw - be afraid of, fear

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 09, 2003

Bar bar bar bar bar
    On Friday night I took the train from Philly to my hometown in order to pay a surprise visit to my parents. I got off the train and walked a few blocks to the local supermarket in order to pick up some yogurt and strawberries (I already had the granola in my back pack.) for breakfast. I love my folks, but their refrigerator is notoriously bare.

    Anyway, I was outside of the supermarket when a car full of teenage boys pulled up. The driver - wearing only a jock strap (he kids, there are other shows on TV besides Jackass - look into it.) jumped out of the car and shouted "Hey, mister, whattya think?" Forgetting that I was back in the 'burbs I informed him that if he and his companies should be applauded for being so comfortable with their homosexuality. It took a few seconds for this to sink in before the kid shouted "You callin' us fags? I'll kick your ass." I felt it was my duty to inform him that I was going into the store and that he was free to follow me, however, people dressed only in jock straps have a tendency to attract the attention of security guards. This too took a few seconds to sink in before the guy hopped back in the car and the angry crew drove off. By the way, the whole time that Mr. Semi-nude and I were chatting, a kid in the passenger seat of the car was trying to get his attention. The kid in the passenger seat was holding up a rubber mask that jock-strap boy had apparently forgotten to put on despite his friend's shouts of "Dude, they can see you face."

    Calling these idiots Visigoths is, of course an insult to the Visigoths, who at least had plans and a future.

An now, another episode of the RATYHTL miniseries The Reagan's:

Hello, gpop members!
The City Committee is looking for someone to go to the 12th WORLD TRIBUNAL on REPARATIONS for AFRICAN PEOPLE in the U.S. conference that's going on in town this weekend.
As you may know, support for reparations is a part of the Green Party US platform. We have hosted a Green Forum on reparations last year at a GPOP general meeting, and think it may be a good opportunity to talk about it again.

Wow! Great way to win the support of white working class people. Why not just hold a membership drive for the Klan while you're at, 'cuz that's really what you'll be acomplishing, fer fuck's sake. If this is gonna remain a plank in the Green Party's platform, I'll be looking for another party.

PS.
NA NA NA NA...NA NA NA NA...Hey Hey Hey...

GOODBYE !

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
qaumacw - wonder

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 14, 2003

Career Opportunities
Do you enjoy talking loudly, whistling, or noisily snapping your chewing gum within earshot of people who are writing complex computer code? When someone shuts their office door because your ideas about how to improve the Eagles (stated loudly to no one in particular) are drowning out their phone conversation, do you fail to get the hint?
If you answered "yes" to these questions and were scratching your ass while you answered them, then a career in Site Services may be for you! Yes, Sites Services - because those towels in the men's room don't change themselves ya' know.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald has the night off, so the ancient Greek lesson of the week will be pesented by some old guy and a fish:

The ancient Greek Lesson of the week:

Since it's been a few weeks since our last lesson, we should probably review. Last time I showed you how Greek verbs worked...

PRESENT
Singular
luw	I loosen
lueij	you loosen
luei	he/she/it loosens
plural
luomen	we loosen
luete	you (plural) loosen
luousi(n)	they loosen
infinitive
luein(n)	to loosen

"Well, that's just great for the here and now." you might say "But I have plans for the future. Well, that's were our buddy Mr. Sigma (s) comes in:

FUTURE
Singular
lusw	I shall loosen
luseij	you will loosen
lusei	he/she/it will loosen
plural
lusomen	we shall loosen
lusete	you (plural) will loosen
lusousi(n)	they will loosen
infinitive
lusein(n)	to be going to loosen

Well talk about the past tense in the future (wtf?)

"Um, why the hell is Nu (n) showing up in parentheses at the end of the third person plural? What kinda bullshit is that?" You might well be asking. That's because the ancient Greeks didn't like having a word that ended with a vowel be followed by a word that began with a vowel. Got it? Good because next week we'll take a look at some prepositions.

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 15, 2003

Immaculate Silhouettes and Immaculate Tartt!
Before I get into the whole bit about attending a lecture by Donna Tartt this afternoon, let me show you something I discovered this morning.

It's a miracle! The paint on the first floor wall near the kitchen has pealed away leaving not an image of Jesus or the Virgin Mary (as is to be expected) but an outline of the state of New Jersey. OK, now I can talk about the lecture.

The first word that comes to mind when you see Donna Tartt is immaculate. Not one hair out of place and clothes so smartly pressed that you could dice an onion the crease in her pants. The second word that comes to mind is tiny. Donna is even shorter than I am. She started her lecture by reading the prologue to The Little Friend. The she took questions. The first question was from a crazy homeless guy who'd wandered into the auditorium. No one's quite sure exactly what he asked, because we could only understand about 3% of the word that he bleated out. It was something about how Donna should lift us all up (to Mars?). Donna answered it the best she could. Welcome to Philadelphia, Ms. Tartt.

Hey folks, look for a brand spankin' (your monkey) new Life With The Poor either later tonight or tomorrow. Also stay tuned for a very special announcement.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
piptw - fall

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 16, 2003

Consumers for Christ

"It's great to eat food and buy things even though all the children have gone blind and continue to bleed out their ears."
- Charles Plod III
Peoria, IL.

I've decided that it's time to change the direction of this web site. Instead of writing about politics, literature, and that sort of crap, I'm just gonna sell shirts and hats. In fact, I'm thing about changing Thoughtless for the Day into Shirtless for the Day and suggesting a shirt everyday. Sure, it'll mean more work for me, but at $1.00 profit per shirt, I could be looking at an extra $11 in my bank account by this time in 2012. Who knows this could be a bold new beginning for me. Today shirts and hats - tomorrow adult diapers and damaged pets. The future is unwritten.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
feugw - flee, run away

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Beefeater.

Nov. 17, 2003

To Dream The Impossible Dream
     I am forty years old and today have realized what I want to do with my life. I'd have saved myself a lot of grief if I'd had this revelation when I was in my teens. Actually, I did have this revelation while I was in my early teens, but I was too stupid to listen to myself. Besides, back then, if I'd had announced this goal, somebody would've tried to talk me out of it. Now everybody'll try to talk me out of it and that's how I know that I'm on the right tack.

    I want to go back to college and earn (or receive, I'm not picky) a degree in Classical Studies. Which, I just realized is pretty much the same as having the goal of being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Maybe "goal" is the wrong word. "Dream" now seems the more appropriate word. Well, so what if it's a dream. When I was a teenager I had plenty of dreams that I thought would never come true (I think you fellas know what I'm talking about) and I saw them materialize before I'd reached my mid-twenties. Go ahead and call my dream impossible. You think I'm afraid of the impossible? Do ya', punk? I eat the impossible for breakfast every morning, then go back for seconds. Screw the impossible - I HAVE A GOAL!

    Now I just need a plan.

     PS. In honor of Rush Limbaugh's return to the airwaves this piece has been posted.

PPS.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
onar - in a dream

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Bird Killer.

Nov. 18, 2003

Run Through The Jungle
I few weeks back I sent the following (serious) email to the PA State Museum.

Hello. At the risk of sounding insane, I was wondering if anyone at the museum might know anything about two large human skeletons that were housed in your museum and lost sometime during the last century. Yes, I know how crazy that sounds. I'm investigating a theory that early Native-Americans may have buried the remains of large, extinct mammals as if they were human remains and I was informed that two such skeletons once resided in your museum.
Thanks

     Oddly, they have yet to respond.

     Band name of the moment: Seventh Son of Sam

     PS. This week's movie has been posted.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
onomati - in/by name

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Bird Killer.

Nov. 19, 2003