Archive of Thoughtlessness

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Archive of Thoughtlessness - March '03

03/01/2003

In Like A Lion:
     Spent this afternoon shopping for new clothes and dealing with crowds. Sartre was right - Hell is other people.
     In RATYHTL news: Well, unless the Athenians stage a strong rally, it looks like our patron God will be Dionysus. I know that voting isn't over until midnight (I'll declare a winner tomorrow), but I'm starting to get ready - just in case. You may've noticed images of Dionysus are already appearing throughout the site.
     Don't be sad, Athenians. The brand new RATYHTL forum is dedicated to Goddess of Wisdom.
     Speaking of Goddesses, my review of Donna Tartt's The Secret History should be posted by tomorrow night.
     Oh, before I forget, the first ever RATYHTL field trip is scheduled for Sunday, March 16th. We'll be going to the University of Pennsylvania Museum. Details to follow.
     Well, it's back to work on the improved Movie List page.

03/02/2003

Flood:
     It rained today. Normally that wouldn't be worth mentioning, except that there are tons of snow on every street corner and now it's all starting to melt. The city's beginning to resemble Venice.

     Hey, how come nobody's posting on the Message Board? I worked hard on that thing.

     Speaking of hard work, there's a review of The Secret History here.

     And, in case I forgot to tell you, the Book of the Month for March is The Iliad.

03/03/2003

Captain Pecker - The Party Wrecker:
     A few years back, my friend, Little Jimmy Satan (Yes, that's his name) told me about a "novelty" item he came across, once, in a sex shop. It was a six-foot-tall inflatable phallus called "Captain Pecker - The Party Wrecker". According to Jimmy, the good Captain's box was adorned with a cartoon showing a man with a maniacal grin punching Captain Pecker (That's right, Captain Pecker is also a giant punching bag), while horrified guests look on.
     You really hafta wonder about the marketing department over at Captain Pecker Enterprises Inc. (A subsidiary of The Rand Corporation). I mean, is that the best way to market a giant, inflatable, phallus? "You see, you bring it to a party, start punching it…and, before you can say 'Captain Pecker' the party's ruined."
     "Jenkins, you're a genius. We'll sell millions!"
     Just to prove that I'm not making this up, I ran a google search on Captain Pecker. They've kept the name, but - sadly - changed the box. After some searching I managed to find what I believe to be the post 9/11 version of the original box. I've scribbled over the good Captain because I don't wanna go to jail and see the real, live version.

By the way, the picture was accompanied by the following text:
The amazing inflatable six foot tall party penis, Captain Pecker is available to crash your next party!

Bachelor Parties
Bachelorette Parties
Birthday Parties
Bar Mitzvahs/Bris...

Yeah, that's right; bring Captain Pecker to a Bar Mitzvah or Bris. As if the Jews haven't suffered enough.

03/04/2003

Pissed Off:
OK, so I was having a pretty good day until, during my lunch break, I logged onto CNN and saw THIS. Ya' see, for the past couple of month's I've been working on a remake of Aristophanes' Lysistrata that takes place during the Gulf War. But I might as well give it up now, since everybody and their mother seems to being doing the same. I'm so mad that if I owned a Captain Pecker - The Party Wrecker, I'd be smacking the Hell outta him right now. I swear, every time I come up with a half-decent idea, somebody else comes up with the same idea - only half-assed. I realize how this is gonna sound, but you know in your heart-of-hearts that these versions of Lysistrata are gonna suck ass compared to mine. Uuuuurrrrrrggggggg!

03/05/2003

People Who Shower Against The War:
     Why is that whenever I come across an anti-war protest, I seem to be the one of the few people there who seems to have grasped the basic concepts behind personal hygiene. Note to protesters: Wash you hair and dress nicely, and middle-America will have our back on this thing.
     Dumbest sign: "Drexel U. Against The War" I can just imagine John Ashcroft running into Dubya's office and shouting "Mr. President, we have to reverse our policies - Drexel is against the war!"

     Mardi Gras was yesterday. Mardi Gras has to be the strangest system of barter ever conceived. A man gives a woman some beads, and then she shows him her breasts. Where was this when I was a teenager? Do you have any idea of the gauntlet I had to run in order to see my first pair of real, live, breasts?

     Good luck to Anthony from Brooklyn on Jeopardy tonight.

And I added a link to the U of P Museum in Where To Go

03/06/2003

Psychology:
     Regular readers may have noticed the Manic-Depressive nature of my daily posts. Actually, I once was diagnosed as a Manic-Depressive, but it was by one of those fortune telling machines at a carnival. Anyhoo, I'm neither up nor down today - just kinda tired. I need to bring the guest thinkers back.

     I added a link to Atom and his Package on the What To Listen To.

     And there's a new Life With The Poor (Number who gives a shit) coming either tomorrow or Saturday night.

     Oh, and I hope that old bat who beat Anthony on Jeopardy, last night, loses - and loses big.

03/07/2003

A list of demands:
The other night I was watching some "news" show that was doing a piece about hostage negotiators. The coolest thing about people who take hostages is that they always seem to have a list of demands ready. Inspired by this pro-active attitude, I've worked out a list of demands - just in case. These are my demands:

Free cable TV for all Americans. With choice of porno channels.
From now on, we call a spade a spade. It's not a "Gentlemen's Club". It's a titty bar, OK? Ladies Night means Ladies - plural - night. There must be at least two women at the bar. Under this new policy, the Department of Defense will go back to being the War Department - at least until Nader gets elected.
ALL present and former cast members of Saturday Night Live must submit the scripts for any movies that they are thinking of appearing in to me for approval. Chris Katan, I'm looking in your direction.

     Well, those are my demands. If you have any, send them to me and I'll post 'em.

     Hey, the More Fiends are gonna be on channel 54, tonight at 11pm & repeated at 2am on The Zone.

     And there's a NEW Life With The Poor!

03/08/2003

Fun With Feces:
     My friend, Matt, and I spent about a month of lives photographing our feces. No. Wait. Let me explain. The Milkmen were on tour with Possum Dixon, and Matt and I thought that a photo album brimming with pictures of our poo would make a nice souvenir for the PD boys. See, that's not so disgusting after all.
     The first week of poop photography was fairly uninspired. One of us would do our business and then snap a quick Polaroid (It's not like we could drop the pictures off at Rite Aid). This got pretty old pretty quick, so we began to get "creative". I bought some plastic toy boats and…well, I captioned the picture "Turds Ahoy". Matt took a dump in a coffee pot. He captioned that picture "Cup O' Mud". You know those little candy chicks called "peeps"? Well, Matt took a plate full of them and…never mind. See, there was nothing wrong with any of that. It was art. Finally, at the end of the tour, we presented the album to Possum Dixon and they seemed very happy with it (The best presents are the ones that you make yourself. The ones that come from the inside, so to speak.).
     I'm not sure what eventually happened to the photo album. The last time it was seen was about eight years ago at a party at the Chateau Marmont (The Hotel where John Belushi died.).

03/09/2003

Editions Of You:
     Spent this afternoon at a photo shoot with the other Dead Milkmen. Even if we never play another note together, at least we had this afternoon - laughing and jumping around to Roxy Music.

     Hey, did any of you see last night's episode of XY Factor on the History Channel. If not, then you really missed out, 'cause it was the filthiest thing that I've ever seen on TV. Here's the best part - it was about sex in ancient Greece. I'm tellin' ya', folks, we are on to something here at RATYHTL. Hey did you know the ancient Greeks had no prejudices towards Homosexuality or Lesbianism? Jeez, you should've the stuff they put on their pottery. After about 10 minutes, the History Channel gave up trying to blur out the "offensive" bits and just let it all hang out - literally. This makes me feel even better about next week's field trip. In case you haven't heard (It's mentioned in the RATYHTL Forum. Well, go there now.), I'll be swinging by the University Of Pennsylvania Museum on Sunday, March 16th from about 11:30am until about 5:00pm for the opening of Worlds Intertwined - Etruscans, Greeks, And Romans. If you're in the area, please stop by and say hello.
     I'll try to get that Springsteen piece and the Dionysus pamphlet posted this week.

03/10/2003

The Brighter Side Of Herpes:
There's a TV ad for a medication to treat genital herpes that must be seen to be believed. It stars a bunch of twenty-somethings who spend their time mountain climbing, hang gliding, white-water rafting, and happily declaring to anyone within ear-shot that they're not gonna let herpes slow them down. Since everybody now knows that they have herpes, I guess that mountain climbing, hang gliding, white-water rafting are all they have left in their lives. It's like they're saying "No one in their right mind will sleep with me, so I might as well risk my life." I wonder how many people who saw the ad thought "Wow, if I had herpes, I'd be out there getting some exercise."

03/11/2003

Girls Gone To War:
Not a whole Hell of a lot on my mind today. Hey, did anybody else see that "expose" about Girls Gone Wild on VH1 last night? I watched it while studying my Greek (Forever more, I'll associate the word "murmekes" with drunken college girls.). Girls Gone Wild is one of those ideas that I can't believe I didn't come up with first.

Speaking of giant boobs, country "musician" Darryl Worley may have recorded the worst song EVER. It's called Have You Forgotten?" - I haven't heard the actual song, but I have seen some of the lyrics. Get ready for pain, 'cause here they come (Remember, this song is not by "Weird Al" Yankovick):

"I hear people saying we don't need this war/ I say there's some things worth fighting for/ Some say this country's just out looking for a fight/ After 9/11, man, I'd have to say that's right/ Have you forgotten all the people killed?/ Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field/ Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?/ All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on/ Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden."

Oh, I see, it was the Iraqis who pulled of the 9/11 attacks, after cleverly disguising themselves as Saudis. Hank Williams Sr. is rolling in his grave. Hank Williams Jr., meanwhile, is rolling in a trough of delicious gravy. Darryl's official Web Site is HERE . Sadly, it "don't work so good". Fongo said he hopes that Darryl's site has a guest book, because it sure would be fun to let him know how we feel about him.

Oh, HERE is a site that might help you enjoy this Sunday's Field Trip a little more.

03/12/2003

Trinidadian Amateur Ichthyologists:
In case you haven't heard, I'm in two bands - The Preying Hands and Parasite Lost. Both bands have the same members filling the same roles and playing the same songs. The distinction is that The Preying Hands record, but never play live, whereas Parasite Lost plays live, but won't set foot in the studio. That's why Parasite Lost bill ourselves as "A tribute to The Preying Hands" and why the first Preying Hands CD is being called "A tribute Parasite Lost". Gunter, the guitar player for both bands, can explain it better than I do. Unfortunately, he doesn't do interviews.

03/13/2003

Darryl Worley - Part II: