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Archive of Thoughtlessness - June '03 |
| 06/05/2003 |
"We're coming back on the air now, after a brief interruption." RATYHTL is back, muthafugga! In case you didn't hear, here's what happened: We moved to South Philly on Saturday; Vienna neglected to inform me that our phone service wouldn't be activated until Wednesday (Yes, I'm so poor that I'm still using a dial-up connection.). For some reason, she thought that I'd be able to update RATYHTL without an internet connection. Two words, folks - Mezzigan divorce. That's the bad news. The good news is that the long dry spell here at RATYHTL is over. As proof, I give you LIFE WITH THE POOR number lucky 13! The only exciting thing that you missed was my big night out going to see Kaiju Big Battle. We all know that Danger Can Happen, and it certainly did. Highlights including me just missing meeting Kthor, the opening match in which Kung Fu Chicken Noodle defeated Unibouzu and Call Me Kevin (words do not do this match justice. Imagine a guy in a can costume spinning around three times in the middle of the air), a comic book fan being beaten by the fake Los Plantanos, and Hell Monkey (with some help from Dr. Cubes posse) taking the championship belt from the Silver Potato. Join Cube, kids. By the way, I got drunk; so much of the event seems like a dream. In the wiorld of radio, Paul's posted my trip to the Mario Lanza museum. DO NOT MISS PAUL'S SHOW TOMORROW AT 3!. Bothe sides of the West Chester Courthouse Ten Commandments debate will be on. SPRINGER...SPRINGER...SPRINGER. I'd give my left nut (well, maybe not) to be on that show. In fact, I may be calling in... Well, it's back to work. I have lots of updates to work on and lots of readers to woo back.  |
| 06/06/2003 |
I mentioned this yesterday, but it's worth repeating. Today, on his show, Paul had both sides of the West Chester Courthouse Ten Commandments debate (I can't believe this is a subject for debate [ok, I can believe it, but you know what I mean] ? those commandments should go.). In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here are some links: I was at work, so I didn't catch the show (I was hoping to call in). I'm hoping to write a "thought piece" on this whole thing ? hopefully tonight. By the way, I was born in West Chester. In the mean time, enjoy this e-card. |
| 06/07/2003 |
I'm taking a little break right now from editing the Shoe Museum piece for Paul's show. Hopefully, I'll finish it up tonight. Tomorrow, I'll be posting the newest episode of Life with the Rich (a mystery erupts). Well, that was nice break - back to editing. |
| 06/08/2003 |
I forgot to mention this yesterday: I needed to get the three remaining hairs on my head cut, but it was raining pretty hard, so I didn't feel like hauling my butt the eight blocks to my barber's. About a block away from, I found this cool old fashion barber shop where I guy in his nineties cut my hair. So far, no big deal. Anyway, while this guy's cutting my hair, he's telling me that - since I'm new to the neighborhood - I should stay away from the barber three-doors-down. Later that day I found out that the barber three-doors-down is this guy's son. They haven't spoken in twenty-five years. Try to enjoy this Life with the Rich. I dare you. |
| 06/09/2003 |
Anyhoo, I'm walking home the other day and I pass a couple having a fight. How do I know they were having a fight? Because the woman was saying to the man "He called me a c__t and you just stood there. You're my boyfriend; you're supposed to defend me." Granted, I don't know the dynamics of their relationship, but I'm siding with her. |
| 06/10/2003 |
In case you didn't see the news on the message, Darryl Worley's Message Board is back up and I've wasted no time posting on it. Now, before you send me an email saying "Rodney, you need to drop this Worley thing - it's getting old and it's just not funny." I'd just like to say that I would gladly forget about two-step-tard's board and move on, but I can't. You see, Darryl's message board - and, by extension, Darryl - have come to represent everything I hate about society. Yes, I know that the folks who post on Opie-ate of the Masses' board are working class, salt-of-the-Earth types. But they also seem to have a dipshit streak a mile wide. Look, when the Barbarians are at the gate, you don't sit on the ramparts and say, "They wouldn't be attacking us if they weren't on the lowest rung of the social ladder." No, you boil up a big cauldron of oil and get to pouring. In the interest of fairness, I may start posting some of the dumber selections from michaelmoore.com (Example: "Maybe would get Tim Robbins to talk to the people about Democracy and stuff".). Or maybe not - I just went to Mike's web site - his message board seems to have vanished. In other news: Last night I was channel surfing (no big surprise) when I came across some sort of "National IQ Test" on ….wait for it…FOX! They should test the guys in their news department. Showing the good taste they've become synonymous with, FOX pitted different groups - Scientists, Construction Workers, Celebrities (Using the FOX definition of "Celebrity". Dr. Drew Pinsky, the mother from Sienfeld, D.J.'s), Blondes, and Teachers. The Scientists came out on top and the Blondes bottomed out (more surprises). The person who scored the highest was a Scientist (I'd be worried if it wasn't), but the person who scored the second highest was Dr. Drew Pinsky. Hey, isn't he also a Scientist? |
| 06/11/2003 |
Hillary Clinton would like you all to know that she was shocked to learn of her husband's affair with Monica Lewinsky. Since I always thought they had an open marriage, I'll just assume that she was shocked that Monica was such a goddamn cow. Seriously, Bill Clinton was the most powerful man in the world, yet he was fooling around with a woman who wouldn't even be allowed backstage at a Dead Milkmen show. "Hey, Joe, it's a fan dressed up like Elsie! No, wait?it's just Monica Lewinsky. Go get security."  You are shearing an ass. |
| 06/12/2003 |
As the economy grows worse and worse, more homeless people seem to be feeling the need to tell me their life story in order to get my spare change. The simple, but direct, "Gimme quarter" of the boom years has been replaced by "Excuse me, but could you spare some change so that I can take the bus to the job training center. I'm trying to get my life back on track and?" OK. Here's a damn nickel. I don't have time for an episode of Biography. To be honest, the only homeless person I ever gave more than a dollar to was the guy who stopped me on the street and said "Mizza, I gots the troubles. Oh, I gots the troubles real bad."  Fig. 27a Mario Lanza |
| Friday the 13th |
Paul and I were supposed to meet at Fergie's last night for the hand-off of the Shoe Museum piece, but Fergie's was so crowded that we were forced to meet at the gellato place across the street. Which was great for Paul, but not so great for me (I have a family history of diabetes, so I have to avoid ice cream and re-runs of Blossom). My mood was turning black - and so was the sky. As Paul and I stepped out of the gellato joint we were greeted by a massive thunderstorm that managed to drive most of the crowd out of Fergie's so I ducked inside for a beer and a burger (Yeah, I know, that was probably worse for me than the gellato.) and eat until the storm blew over. It never did so I ended up walking my bike home in the rain (I had an umbrella, but I still got soaked). On the way home, my mood grew fouler and fouler. Ever square foot of the city held some memory. 915 Pine Street - where my late cat, Opie, was born. Kater Street - where a block party turned into a riot while I was still in my teens. Suddenly, I wanted to get the Hell out of Dodge. To stowaway on a plane and go somewhere I'd never been before. Someplace new. As I was pushing my bike towards Vienna's Grandmother's house (where we live now), I realized something. I've lived in Philly for twenty years, but I've spent almost no time in this section of the city. Belle Vista. South Philly. Someplace new. Hey, I'm hoping to have my new song posted before the weekend is over. It's called Have U 4-gotten? Wish me luck. |
| 06/14/2003 |
In case you haven't heard, I'm spending the weekend in the studio writing and recording a new song - Have U 4-Gotten. Its world premiere is about 24 hours away...  |
| 06/15/2003 |
Thanks for attending the World Premiere of my new song, Have U 4-Gotten. Here are the words so that you can sing along: Have U 4-Gotten? |
| 06/16/2003 |
Damn those "people" over at Darryl Worley's message board. They took down the link to Have U 4-Gotten? before even 100 people had a chance to read the post. Maybe I should've posted the link on Monday morning when Darryl's "web master" is down at the feed store, or grain silo, or wherever the Hell surreal McCoys hang out, instead of on Sunday night when all of Darryl's fans are logging on to the "in-ee-net" after coming back from church and changing into scratchy undergarments. What I was really hoping for was some Hellfire and brimstone hate mail, but that hasn't shown up...yet. |
| 06/17/2003 |
I Am A Jerk Part One: I didn't check my email over the weekend (True, I along with the other Preying Hands was working on the mega dance hit Have U 4-Gotten) so I didn't learn until last night that Paul had aired my entire Shoe Museum adventure (all 44 minutes of it) on Monday. Stay tuned for link. I Am A Jerk Part Two: I made a cheap crack (Mmmm...cheap crack) about Liz Spikol, whom I think is a fine writer, on the message board the other day. Liz, I apologize. Now get back to work. I Am A Jerk Part Three: I've been negligent in responding to hundreds of your e-mails. I'll start trying to rectify that situation tonight after I post my Gimli Hospital review. Well, I may be a jerk, but at least I'm not a sucker. |
| 06/18/2003 |
Despite being the originator of Punk, Glam, and Appalachian Clog Dancing, I regularly do stupid things. Last night, for example, I was feeling a little beat, so instead of writing or studying Greek, I lay down on the sofa and watched Star Wars ? Episode Sucks. To be fair, I knew it was going to be bad (I'd actually rented Episode Crap, once. I fell asleep half way through it), but I really wasn't prepared for just how bad it was. OK, it wasn't Battlefield Earth bad, even though it had the wooden acting, convoluted story line, and laughable dialog that made BE a tour de force of Dung. But it wasn't a fun-kind-of-bad like BE either. It just plain sucked and I lost two-and-a-half hours of my life to it. NO movie should be over two hours long unless it features Hobbits or Jenna Jamison. Granted, I'm not a big fan of science fiction, but that doesn't help to explain away a travesty like Star Wars ? Episode Sucks. I thought the first Star Wars movie (which we are now forced to pretend is the fourth Star Wars movie) was OK and I kind of liked the second/fifth one. I don't remember much about the third/sixth one, but it couldn't have been that bad. No, the only plausible explanation is that George Lucas is surround by people whose job it is to constantly tell him that he's a genius and that he can do no wrong. Anyone who has seen the unintentionally hilarious Star Wars Christmas Special knows that this isn't true. While were on the subject of George Lucas, what really pisses me off about the guy is not the fact that he's made trillions of dollars off bad two bad movies (And nothing off a great one ? THX1138), but that he keeps claiming that Star Wars was based on early myth cycles. I call bullshit. Star Wars was based on a great film called The Hidden Fortress. George, here's some advice. Stop lying. Make better movies. Hire Jenna Jamison. |
| 06/19/2003 |
I'm not sure why, but - for some unknown reason - the entire Darryl Worley message board is locked down. As a public service to help our readers through this crisis, we here at RATYHTL have hired Darryl Worley's Mexican cousin, Darryl Sanchez, to answer the questions that you would normally ask American Darryl. The entire staff of RATYHTL joins the rest of America in hoping that honky Darryl's message board will soon be back up and running. God bless America, God bless our President, and God bless Darryl Worley. |
| 06/20/2003 |
OK, I promise that this'll be the last thoughtless about Darryl Worley for a couple of days (maybe). If you downloaded Have U 4-Gotten by the Preying Hands and are using a file-sharing program (like Kaaza or, even better, diet Kaaza) please rename Have U 4-Gotten to Have You Forgotten and move it to your shared folder. This way, when some dumb hillbilly goes out looking for Darryl's song, he or she'll get an earful of the Preying Hands. Talk about "Market Saturation". |
| 06/21/2003 |
I don't know why I was thinking about this earlier today, but I was, so now I have to tell you. Twenty years ago when I was living in abject poverty (also known as "West Philly") I came into possession of tickets to see REM at the Tower. I can't remember how I got a hold of the tickets, since I was beyond broke at the time (Most likely, they were a gift from one of the other Milkmen - who were also broke, but less so than myself.). One of the things about that show, that always stands out in my mind, was the guy seated in front of me who thought the opening band (the DB's - they sucked, of course) were REM. Years of repeated exposure to WMMR will do that to a person. Anyhoo, when REM returned to the stage for they're encore, the place fell silent. The encore would consist of Michael Stipe and Mike Mills singing Moon River Acapulco. But first… The legendary Johnny Wurster was seated on my left and as silence descended on the Tower Theater; Johnny whispered "I'll give you a dollar to shout 'Calling Doctor Love." A dollar! That equaled four packets of Ramin noodles. I could eat for days! "CALLING DOCTOR LOVE!" escaped from my lips at ear splitting volume. On the stage, Mills and Stipe, who were just about to begin the ballad, turned to each other and exchanged uneasy glances. Meanwhile, in the audience, I was being showered with death threats as Johnny Wurster, laughing so hard that tears streamed down his cheeks, pressed a dollar into my eager hand. |
| 06/22/2003 |
I've got nothing to say to today. I'm way too tired to write and my one finger got smashed installing an air conditioner, which makes typing a pretty painful experience. PAUL, LIZ, AND ELIZABETH, if you're reading this, please reply to my emails. |
| 06/23/2003 |
It's a fact; as long as Cinamax keeps forgetting to scramble their signal and fake ID's are easily available, teenagers are never going to embrace abstinence. That's why we give them condoms and hope to Hell that they'll remember to use them. Maybe it should be the same way with guns? After all, as long as the pool guy keeps making eyes at our wife, we Americans are never going to give up our firearms. The problem of course is that, nowadays, almost every kid in Junior High is packing heat. And therein lies the rub - almost every kid in Junior High is packing heat. It seems that there are some youngsters out there who are being forced (through poverty or Hippie parents) to attend class unarmed. What happened to "No child left behind"? You wouldn't send a kid off to school without a pencil would you? How is little Billy going to defend himself when that crazy Mickelstien kid starts shooting up the cafeteria? And it will happen. Have you seen the eyes on that Mickelstien brat? The kid's a goddamn time bomb. That's why we, here at RATYHTL, are proud to sponsor the Guns For Tots campaign. Guns For Tots is dedicated to future where no child ever need worry about being attacked with a club, corkscrew, or claw-hammer, by getting thousands of guns into the tiny, chocolate-smeared hands of youngsters. "How does Guns For Tots do this?" you might ask. Well, it's so simple that even an overmedicated child could do it. You, the citizen, simple drop off your unused firearm in one of the specially marked Guns For Tots bins located in your municipality, and Guns For Tots will see to it that that weapon finds its way on to the itchy trigger-finger of a deserving child (Usually a loner, living in the suburbs). Thank you. Rodney Anonymous "Every 30 seconds, over one million Americans are killed by handguns. By the time I finish this gyro, half the country will be dead. While in Canada, a bottomless cup of coffee goes for a nickel." "Have you forgotten what Kleibold and Harris did to this country on 9/11? Have you forgotten how, after they shot up a Colorado school, they hijacked two jets and crashed them into the World Trade Center?"  |
| 06/24/2003 |
Tonight at 9:00pm on the Food Network, my friend Elizabeth will make the transformation from local celebrity to national icon. Since I'll be covering the celebration for Paul's show, you'll be able to experience a slightly delayed version of all the fun and excitement. I'm headed over to the party now... |
| 06/25/2003 |
I hope you all got to my friend Elizabeth's (A mildly drunk partygoer coined a new phrase last night: "FOE ? Friend Of Elizabeth") network debut on "Roker on the Road" last night. Elizabeth's segment was the last one of four (we all got to loudly heckle segments on soccer mom chefs, caviar, and New Orleans' "Cake man" ("FOCK 'EM ? Friends Of CaKE Man"???). I got most of the drunken revelry on tape and I'm hoping to turn it into a segment for Paul's show. Elizabeth was brilliant. She made a no-bake cake out of Twinkies that was decorated with her Fantasy Football League ? Football Players vs. Ballerinas. They also mentioned that Elizabeth is an Anarchist and a vegan, which I'm sure sent people all over the heartland scrambling for their dictionaries. And that was the most wonderful thing about the show. Elizabeth, using the most wholesome of media ? home making ? managed to hurl a thought-bomb right into the lap of the audience. It made me proud to be a FOE. By the way, here's the description of last night's show on the Roker on the Rod page of the Food Network's web site: What's for Dinner Al mees[sic] one of the most famous cheese mongers in a New England. In Seattle, Al meets 2 women who provide a way for working moms to make a month of meals all at once. In NY, Al dines blindfolded. And finally, there's the cake man in New Orleans Hey isn't there something missing? If you saw the show and want to tell the world how great Elizabeth was, you can do so HERE |
| 06/26/2003 |
I'm not sure how, but Paul managed to get me a press pass to the opening of the National Constitution Center tomorrow night. So, unless I get tossed out early, tune in around 9-ish Friday night to find out how things went. |
| 06/27/2003 |
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| 06/28/2003 |
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| 06/29/2003 |
I'm editing the Constitution Center Piece right now, and, yes, I know that I forgot to update What To Do this week. Since a bunch of my friends played this weekend I expect to catch Hell well into the next decade. |
| 06/30/2003 |
Friday Night: OK, you already know about Friday night, but I'll recap it anyway. Went to the opening of the Constitution Center and drunk. In fact, I got so drunk that I misspelled the work drunk on Friday's Thoughtless. As you're reading this, I'm editing the piece. Saturday: My nephew, Jeff, and I went bike riding along the Wissahickon. We found a great spot where you can dive from about 20 feet into the Creek. I see another Field Trip coming?. Passed out around ten o'clock. Sunday: Scraped paint until about six, then showered and ran over to Molly's Book Store to get the rest of the Elizabeth Fiend interview. I'll be editing that later this week and burning out sometime in August. |
