Archive of Thoughtlessness

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Archive of Thoughtlessness - July '03

07/01/2003

Rabbit Rabbit:
Spent four hours, last night, attempting to edit to edit the Constitution Center piece. Sadly, the editing software I'm using thought the piece wasn't long enough so it kept attempting to add three hours to it (turning a 30 meg file into a 5 gig file). I'll try again tonight. If your hungry for some fine reportin', Paul has uploaded my shocking expose on shoes along with a friendly chat with Sam Katz. Wish me luck, tonight, folks and tune in tomorrow night for What To Do and What To Rent.

07/02/2003

Delay:
The Constitution Center piece has been delayed due to software problems, so it won't air on Friday. Paul does, however, plan to post it on his web site. I've also got to edit the Elizabeth Fiend piece (for which, the Preying Hands will be covering Bowie's Fame). I've still found time to come up with another 'tater filled Life With The Poor, which I'll post tomorrow.

07/03/2003

Fat:
     I seriously need to drop some pounds. I'm teetering dangerously on the edge of Orson Wells / Marlin Brando territory, folks. Hell, you've seen the pictures. Last year, around this time, I weighed about 120 lbs. True, I was on there verge of dying, but I was thin - and that's what counts. This situation is worsened by the fact that I'm married to a woman who can eat any damn thing she wants and not gain a pound. Sometimes, my wife'll wake up in the middle of the night and eat five or six bowls of ice cream.
     Speaking of people who could stand to drop a few pounds, Anne Nicole Smith once co-starred with Joey Travolta in ?Would you please stop screaming and let me continue? in an amazing piece of sh? cinema entitled "To The Limit". Channel 48 was kind enough to air this masterpiece the other night. Sadly, I only caught the last 15 minutes of this celluloid kick to the groin, so today (my boss has the day off) I headed on over to the IMDB to read as many external reviews of To The Limit as I could before some nosy "employee" could swing by and say "Oh, I guess your boss isn't in today" (No, assmonkey, I'm with the company's Film Department. This is my motherscratching job and if you hinder me any longer in my duties I shall be forced to smite you about the head and neck.) Where was I?
     Oh, yeah - To The Limit. While reading up on a film that Cimamax would refuse to show at three am, I learned that one of the films "stars", Kathy Shower, is known in many circles as "The Worst Actress In Hollywood" WTF? Candice Bergen is the worst actress in Hollywood. The best actress in Hollywood, or anywhere else for that matter, is Sadie Frost. Trust me on this one, folks. After all, back in the eighties, I dated one of the stars of Screen Test.
     Anyhoo, if you bump into Kathy Shower, please tell her that she's a really good actress (even, if like me, you've never seen one of her movies). After all, it's not her fault that the only scripts she gets handed are for films with titles like Cyber-CHIC and Erotic Boundaries. Hell, she's just playing the hand that life's dealt her. Just like the rest of us.

As promised, a new Life With The Poor

07/04/2003

Revolution:
Happy Fourth of July, Comrades. I spent the whole day in bed, so I didn't have a lot of time to come up with a new thoughtless, which is OK since it allows me to turn to five day Jeopardy champion, Babu. Here's Babu's new map of the middle east as drawn up by George Bush Jr.

07/05/2003

Bumping Into Death:
I ran into my friend, David Deneen, today as he was returing from a canceled sword-fighting practice (he was carrying three or four swords in his backpack). Dave's started up a new website, here it is:

I'm still working on the piece about the Constitution Center - the one that tried to kill the Mayor, a Senator, and a Supreme Court Justice yesterday.

07/06/2003

Brother Stephen:
Way back in the dawn of time, when I was in college, our campus would occasionally be visited by a fiery preacher known as Brother Stephen. We all looked forward to Brother Stephen's visits. We all truly enjoyed being called "Whore mongers" since it made us feel a little like the libertines we wished we were. I truly miss those lazy afternoons - sitting around and mocking Brother Stephen until he, and his followers, stormed off in disgust.
Well, imagine my total lack of surprise when I opened up the paper, yesterday, and read that Brother Stephen had been arrested for propositioning a teenage boy.

07/07/2003

Guest Thinker - Doc:

Haiku:

You're my Heroin/All the other women are/ Just my methadone.

If a woman can drive you to this level of despair/ introspection/feeling, you should:

a) run for the hills
b) get in therapy fast
c) marry her
d) none of the above
e) just say fug it have and a beer and find another gurlie a wee bit more sane.

You tell me-I'm thoughtless today.
Thank You,
DJF

Hey, Doc, the Cramps said it best - "All Women Are Bad." - Rodney

07/08/2003

A Moral Dilemma:

     The Setup: Let's say I'm at a party and I've just been handed a drink when someone taps me on the shoulder and says "Hey, look over there - over by swarms of locusts. Isn't that Anne Coulter?" The Question: Would I be morally justified in walking over to Anne Coulter and tossing my drink (Just the liquid ? not the actual glass) into her face?

     Point: A gentleman would never toss a drink into a lady's face.
     Counter-point: I'm no gentleman and Anne Coulter, going by the strictest definition of the word, is no lady.

     Point: A man should never strike a woman.
     Counter-point: Define "strike".

     Point: Tossing a drink in a woman's face counts as "striking". Let's say it was a martini ? that olive could blind someone.
     Counter-point: Don't women want to be equal to men? Well, if I saw Bill O'Reilly or Dan/Michael Savage, I'd toss on drink in their faces. Coulter is eviler than both of them joined at the hip.

     Point: Couldn't you get your wife to toss the drink?
     Counter-point: Vienna? Christ, she hates Anne Coulter more than I do. No way she'll stop with tossing a drink.

     Point: You could do it on behalf of someone else.
     Counter-point: What? You mean walk up to her and say "Theodore Kaghan would like to buy you drink" and then toss the drink? I can see that.

     Point: This is the way I'd do it: I'd walk up to her and say "Hey, I really enjoyed your book. Did you get a chance to read Brendan Nyhan's review of it?" And then, just as she realized I wasn't a fan, I'd say "Roy Cohn was Ronald Reagan's 'Love-monkey'", toss the drink and run like Hell.
     Counter-point: Run? Isn't that kind of cowardly?
     Counter-counter-point: Do you want to spend the night in jail like Jarvis Cocker?

     Conclusion: Although it would seem to be morally permissible to toss your dink into Anne Coulter's face, why waste a drink on that crazy bitch?

07/09/2003

Street Beef:
Damn it, I left the house again without bringing along a Dionysus pamphlet. So, when two wholesome teenagers outside of the Borders on Broad and Chestnut today waylaid me, I was forced to accept their lousy pamphlet and move on. I swear that I'll never let this happen again. I'd have loved to have handed them back a Dionyus pamphlet and said "Did you know that Dionysus loves you more than Jesus does?" If I had any ambition what so ever, I'd kick this Dionysus thing into high gear by standing on a street corner handing out tracts and haranguing Xtians. Hell, I'd even try to raise money to build a temple.

07/10/2003

Crunching The Numbers:
Are we (and be "we" I mean myself ? duh ? and those of you who regularly visit this site.) out of tough with the average American? And, if so, is that such a bad thing?

96% of U.S. adults said they believed in God.
88% of Americans accept the validity of alternative medicine.
79% of Americans believe the United States is viewed favorably by the rest of the world--or at any rate should be.
77% of Americans believe in angels and an almost equal number (75%) believe in the existence of the Devil.
70% of Americans believe that magnetic therapy is scientific.
69% of Americans approve of the job George Bush is doing in office.
60% of Americans believe in extrasensory perception.
51% of Americans believe Iraq attacked the World Trade Center
51% of Americans believe that 9/11 proves there's "too little religion." in the world today.

The good news is that the following people are in the minority. The bad news - they're a large minority..

40% of Americans haven't read a book since they left school.
40% of Americans believe that astrology is an established science.
36% of Americans believe hey shook hands with Bugs at Disneyland (Bugs is owned by Warner Bros.)
33% of Americans believe US forces have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
33% of Americans believe that their own personal physician has conducted experiments on them without their knowledge (These may be the same folks from the poll above).
32% of Americans believe in lucky numbers.
30% of adult Americans believe that UFO's are the space vehicles of aliens from other planets.
24% of Americans who feel that "the movie and television industries are pretty much run by Jewish executives."

Feel better about being out of tough with the Average American? Me too. Feel really, really scared? Me too.

07/11/2003

Divine Retribution:
     Food poisoning. I spent all of last night either on or hugging the toilet (Nice visual, eh?). I think Vienna's Grandmother may've been trying to punish me for not being Italian. Either that or it was some kind of karmic payback for all the crap I've pulled in life. Seriously, I'm not a very good person and neither are most of my friends.

     Once, when I was a teenager, a friend of mine and I were sitting in McDonald's (I haven't eaten in one in almost eight years, by the way) looking and a display of crappy children's drawings when we noticed that the drawings not only included the kids' names but, also, their phone numbers. My friend and I booked back to his folk's house and began calling the numbers (This was back in the days before Caller-ID.). If we got a parent we claimed to be child-psychologists who happened to be eating in McDonald's when we noticed a drawing by what was obviously a disturbed child. Then we'd try to parents into getting theirs kids into therapy - primal scream therapy. If one of the "artists" answered the phone, one of us would claim to be Ronald McDonald, himself, and begin berating the child for his poor artwork. "What do you mean you tried to stay within the lines, Billy? Next time, don't try - do. Or don't try at all. Got that? Good, now repeat it back to me."

     Like I said, I'm not a very good person and neither are most of my friends.

Anne Coulter gets her Comeuppance.

07/12/2003

Take The Kids To The Lake:
I wish I was feeling better so that I could list all of the reasons why this is so, so very wrong: Susan Smith (yes, the woman who murdered her children and then tried to place the blame on a mysterious Puerto Rican) is looking for pen pals. But what does she have to offer a would-be pen pal, you might ask?

"During my spare time, I enjoy reading, working puzzles, and writing. I love rainbows, Mickey Mouse, the beach, the mountains, and waterfalls. My favorite color is navy blue and my favorite flower is the daisy. I am a Christian and I enjoy attending church. I consider myself to be sensitive, caring, and kind-hearted. I�m currently serving a life sentence on the charge of murder."

The beach?!!!???? WTF? Personally, I'd rather correspond with Vikki "No Photo Available" Scott:

"I spend most of my time watching TV and listening to the radio, but can't do it anymore. I'm in the hole for fighting, but I will go to grounds soon in October"

07/14/2003

Recovery: