Archive of Thoughtlessness

Archive of Thoughtlessness - January '04

Jan. 02 2004

2003 - Year of Big Fuckin' Surprises
     Big Fuckin' Surprise Number Two: Baby-dangling Freak who says it's OK to Sleep with Little Boys Arrested for Sleeping with Little Boy.

     Note to our African-American reader(s): You people missed a great opportunity with this one. Instead of filling the editorial pages with countless letters insisting that Michael Jackson "be all innocent an' shit", you should've been saying something akin to "Damn, Michael Jackson turned white and - five minutes later -started molesting little kids. What the Hell is wrong with white people anyway?" And then you should've put a piece of cardboard on the ground and conned some white guy into break dancing on it, just to drive your point home.

The LAPD also missed a great opportunity - putting Michael Jackson in a police line-up. "That's the one, officer! The pasty one with no nose!"

    Denied that site, the best that we can hope for is a televised trial.

    "OK, Billy, I want you to tell the court - in your own words - what happened the night that Mr. Jackson allegedly boned you in the dumper."

    "Well, we were playing with Mr. Jackson's Barbie Dream House when Mr. Jackson began filling a super-soaker with KY jelly..."

    I think the only person on the planet who didn't see this coming (With the possible exception of that woman in a coma in Florida) was the kid that Michael allegedly molested. I'm pretty sure that the kid's mother saw it coming and planned on cashing in on it - in a rational world we'd all be tying that woman to the back of a bull and sending it charging into a cave filled with rabid bats and flesh-eating bacteria about now.

Incredible piece in Reason by Brian Doherty about the color-coded terror alert system. A must read.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
o kindunos - danger

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 03 & 04 2004

White Like Me
     Vienna and I went to see The Return of the King yesterday. To accomplish this we had to travel outside the city. Why? Because when you go to see a movie within the city limits you get to see the movie, but you don't get to hear it. What you get to LaShandra's cell phone conversation about why Darrnell "always actin' so crazy".

    Oh, did that come off as racist? How about this: What you get to Effie Sue's cell phone conversation about why Bubba Joe "always actin' so crazy". Better?

    The fact that I can't complain about intolerable behavior at the movies without being branded as a bigot is really starting to piss me off. Add to that the fact that every time I make a valid criticism about Israel, I have to hear about somebody's Grandmother who got gassed in the camps. When did being white turn into such a suck-ass experience? My guess would have to be around the time that Michael Jackson joined up.

    Here's an idea. America will apologize for slavery, stealing Rock 'n' Roll, killing Martin Luther King, and pay reparations to all American's of African descent (Which is, technically, everybody) if African-Americans will promise to stop talking through movies, claiming that Kobe "be all innocent an' shit", and turn their car stereos down.

    It seems a fair trade.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
afqonws - abundantly

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 05 2004

Green is the color of my true love's exoskeleton
     Thanks to the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim the odds that I'll every get eight hours of sleep on a Sunday night ever again have dwindled to nil. Last night's Harvey Birdman featured a brilliant parody of the Terror Alert System (The Highest Danger Level was conveyed by the cover of Rush's Moving Pictures.)

    Piffle is making a comeback of sorts. The word has popped up twice (here and (here) in the last few days. Why should you give a rat's ass about it? OK, I guess you really shouldn't, I just thought that it was kind of odd. After all, isn't "piffle" the academic's equivalent of "The argument is so fuctarded that I won't even waste a whole sentence debunking it"?

    Oh, today makes the first anniversary of the Thoughtless for the Day

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
epimelws - carefully

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 06 2004

retaction
     Dear Sirs;

I feel it necessary to point out a few of the more glaring historical inaccuracies in your recent feature profile the life of Abraham Lincoln.

    First (regarding Mr. Lincoln's early years), I have read dozens of biographies about Mr. Lincoln and in NONE of them was it reported - as it was in your article - that "a strange whistling sound which emanated from young Abe's nose was helpful in forcing the creatures of the forest to do his bidding." Not only is there no evidence that Mr. Lincoln ever possessed such a talent, but there is even less evidence that he inherited this ability form his mother, whom your article incorrectly refers to as a "Creole Voodoo Queen". Nor was his father (again, as claimed in the article) "The former first President of the United States, Benjamin Franklin".

    Secondly, Mr. Lincoln NEVER owned a giant blue ox named "Babe". Nor did he win the presidential election of 1860 by driving more railroad spikes than a steam-drill. You are also erronious in reported that Mr. Lincoln rode for the Pony Express and "Killed over a dozen Puerto Ricans, with his bare hands, at the Alamo".

    Finally, pertaining to Mr. Lincoln's death - it is a well established fact that Mr. Lincoln was shot in the back of the head by John Wilkes Booth. He was NOT, as your article implies, "Karate-chopped to death by Ninjas".

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
ta axcura - bran, chaff

What to Rent has been posted

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 07 2004

I dream of Hephaestus
Last night, Vienna and I had dinner with our friend, Erika. During dinner I downed three glasses of wine (two over my limit). When I got home I grabbed a shower and fell asleep. While I was asleep I had a dream (as opposed to the ones I have when I'm awake) in which the God, Hephaestus, spoke to me. Which was unusual since this is the first time that I remember Hephaestus choosing to tell me something in a dream form By the way, Hephaestus looks pretty much like you'd imagine Him to look. And, yes, I saw those weird golden robot women who hang out with Him.

But what did Hephaestus tell me? Good question - I forgot. I remember that whatever it was, it was very important, but that's all I can remember. I went back to sleep, hoping to catch up with the God of the Forge, but I had one of those back-in-college-and-I-didn't-study-for-my-finals-dreams instead. Since I can't remember the exact conversation, I'll substitute this dramatic recreation:

Hephaestus: Since your Great-Grandfather was a a blacksmith, I've decided to take pity on you and let you in on a little secret...um...you're staring at the golden robot women, aren't you?

Me: Sorry, but their hardly the kind of thing that you see every day.

Hephaestus: Well, try to pay attention because this is very important. OK, remember the other day when God told Pat Robertson that Bush was going to win by a landslide? That was just Zeus fucking with Pat's head.

Me: Really? Say, about these golden robot women...

Hephaestus: Zeus loves to get dressed up like the Christian God and bullshit Pat. Once He talked that little dipshit into buy a bunch of Enron stock.

Me: So Bush isn't going to win in November?

Hephaestus: Are you kidding? Bush is about to lay the foulest turd in the history of politics. He won't even carry Texas. Now it's very important that you remember all of this...

Me: Don't worry. I've got a mind like a steel trap.

"How can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy money changers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?"
-- Pat Robertson, The New World Order, p. 227

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
xalepos - hard

What to Rent has been posted

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 08 2004

Madonna Enters The Zone

     I've never done this before. But life is about taking risks is it not?
     I know that people seem to pay attention to everything I do. Big or Small. Ridiculous or Sublime. So I am hoping they pay attention to this:
     I am supporting General Wesley Clark for President.
     Not only as a "celebrity" but as an American citizen and as a mother. I want my children to grow up with the same opportunities that I had Ð to know and understand what's going on in the world and to travel that world safely and with pride.
     Now I'm asking you to join me.
     I am writing to you because the future I wish for my children is at risk.
     Our greatest risk is not terrorism and it's not Iraq or the "Axis of Evil." Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the "what's in it for me?" syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America.
     Thankfully, there is now a candidate running for President who is committed to ensuring that our country lives up to its promise and its people. He is a decorated soldier and a respected diplomatic leader, who has already given 34 years to his country. He is smart and he is good. He has worked hard to get where he is and he is a national hero.
     A perfect example of the American Dream.
     I've never aligned myself with a presidential candidate during the primary season. But this time, the stakes are too high, we have too much to lose and there is so much work to be done.
     I'm supporting General Wesley Clark in 2004 and have committed to do all that I can to help his campaign in the coming months. I ask you to visit his website today to learn about his candidacy, his vision for our nation and the many ways you can get involved.
     I've looked at all the Democratic candidates. I respect them all for their dedication and patriotism. But I'm supporting Wes Clark because in him I see the qualifications, character and vision that we so desperately need.
     We are a country with incredible promise. As Americans we enjoy opportunities like no other. Unfortunately we take these opportunities for granted. You may not agree with everything I say or do, but whether you're rich or poor, young or old, black or white, gay or straight, I know you share my concern and recognize the need for change.
     Even if you've never been involved with politics before, please consider joining with me. If you can give, give generously. If you can volunteer time, get involved now. And if you can vote, this time... make sure you do.
     Wesley Clark has asked for my support and now I'm asking for yours

     Madonna

     PS: Please spread this message to everyone you know.

    Dear Material Girl,
    Fist; just let me say how much I enjoyed your lasted film, Swept Away. Which, for some odd reason, HBO chooses to air only between the hours of Midnight and 4 am. I must confess that I would've enjoyed the movie more (As I recently wrote in an op-ed piece for The Christian Science Monitor) had it been you and Juliet Lewis (yum) who'd been stranded on that island. Come to think of it, that would've been a great movie had it starred Juliet Lewis and Halle Berry and you would've worked behind the camera. But I digress.
    As for your recent endorsement of Democratic hopeful General Wesley Clark, I'm sure that you'll be happy to hear that - should the General run against Bush - I would vote for vote for Wesley Clark. Although this is isn't as much of a complement as it might seem on the surface because here is a list of other people that I would vote for before I would pull the lever marked "Bush":
The Olsen Twins, Carrot Top, The late Benny Hill, the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, a total stranger, Ba-Ba-Booey, Noam Chomsky, the kid from Deliverance, Juliet Lewis (yum), Alf, Desi Arnez Jr., the car from Knight Rider, Scott Peterson, Elecia Battle, Pete Rose, Carmen Electra, Frodo Baggins, Ron Howard, a tree, The Suicide Girls, Jarred from the Subway ads, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Johnny Depp, Big Bird, Bud Cort, Judge Judy, an Eskimo...
    ... Hmmm... this looks like it's going to be a pretty long list. Let me just tell you whom I might not vote for in a race against Bush - Charles Manson, Mumia Abu Jamal, or Joe Lieberman.
    Getting back to your letter, you claim to support Wes Clark because " because in him I see the qualifications, character and vision that we so desperately need". Um, maybe it would help if you provided some concrete examples of Clark's qualifications, character and vision other than the fact that he served in the Army and is "smart and good". For example, does General Clark support universal health care? [He doesn't]. Does he support civil unions for gays and lesbians? [Even after, as you suggested, visiting his website, I'm still not sure. " Whether we call civil unions 'marriage' is a decision best left to churches and state legislatures"]. Is he pro-choice? [Hell if I could find out.]
    The problem, Mrs. Richie, with not providing concrete examples is that people might be led to think that General Clark has too little political experience to hold office (after all, he's never held an elected position) and they might begin to wonder if you actually read your letter before you sent it.

Rodney

PS: In case no one's told you before - you're wealthy. The only threat to your children's future is them tuning into HBO between the hours of Midnight and 4 am.

Papa don't preach - the Book of the Month has been posted

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
o stratiwthj - soldier

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 09 2004

Hellllloh, My God, Mr. Wilson!
This morning Slate featured a piece which asked the musical question "Is Pedophilia a sickness or a crime?" Somehow that got me thinking about the role of the pedophile in literature. Not just the obvious, like Humbert Humbert in Lolita or the lesser known like Lewis Carol's strange fixation on little girls (Read Still She Haunts Me by Katie Roiphe), but those relationships that we've always suspected. I am, of course, talking about Mr. Wilson and Dennis the Menace.
Think about it, Mr. Wilson is obsessed with Dennis. It's just not natural, I tell you.

Mr. Wilson: Martha, that Mitchell kid is in our yard again [Begins to unbuckle his pants]. I'll teach him not to...
Mrs. Wilson: Please George, not again...
Mr. Wilson: You DARE to question me? [Raises fist]
Mrs. Wilson: [Cowering in corner] I'm sorry. [Weeps]
Mr. Wilson: [Removes pants. Opens front door] Dennis, get in here! [Mutters] Time to become a man...

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
pantaxose - in every direction

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 10 2004

Liar, Liar, Middle East On Fire!
If you haven't read THIS , then read it now! It's an article about how the Bush administration is quietly pulling a 400 person military team whose job had been to look for weapons out of Iraq. WTF? Look, it's one thing for me not to believe Bush's bullshit, but now he's trying to jump on my train by not buying his own lies. Dickfaced little weasel.

Hey, I've posted a review of Paglia's Sexual Personae.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
elaunw - ride out, march

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 11 2004

Jumpin' My Train Part II
     Don't you just hate it when you've been into something for a long time then, suddenly (ecaifnhs) everybody else jumps on the bandwagon (amaca)? It's like when I started Punk Rock back in '76. One day I was hanging out in front of CBGB's wearing my leather jack when these four guys (oi ponhroi) walked up to me and asked what I (egw) was up to. So I said "I just wanna sniff some glue. I just wanna have sumthin' to do." Those four guys turned out to be the Ramones and the rest is history. Oh, and I invented slam dancing, the Mohawk, and the mosh pit, too.

     I mention this because (dioti) now (nun) I've kinda gotten into this Ancient Greek thing (as some of you may've noticed), but with the summer Olympics being held in Athens this year and the upcoming release of Troy, I'm getting a sense of déjà vu.

     That said, let's learn some Greek!

     OK, in the past I've shown you how to deal with verbs in the present and in the future (WTF?). Don't remember? Let's review:

PRESENT
Singular
luw	I loosen
lueij	you loosen
luei	he/she/it loosens
plural
luomen	we loosen
luete	you (plural) loosen
luousi(n)	they loosen
infinitive
luein(n)	to loosen

FUTURE
Singular
lusw	I shall loosen
luseij	you will loosen
lusei	he/she/it will loosen
plural
lusomen	we shall loosen
lusete	you (plural) will loosen
lusousi(n)	they will loosen
infinitive
lusein(n)	to be going to loosen

OK, now that it's the present, let's deal with the past (WTF??). We'll start with the Imperfect:

IMPERFECT
Singular
eluon	I was loosening / used to loosen
elues	you were loosening / used to loosen
elue(n)	he/she/it was loosening / used to loosen
plural
eluomen	we were loosening / used to loosen
eluete	you (plural) were loosening / used to loosen
eluon	they were loosening / used to loosen

Before you say "Hey the Goddamn First Person Singular and Third Person Plural are the same freakin' thing - what kind of mind games are you trying to play? Don't make me kick your ass, Fag!" I should point out that yes, they are the same - the context in which they're used will help you translate them.

Next time - the Aorist!

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
oi ponhroi - ruffians

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 12 2004

The ancient Greek word of the day:
euhlioj - sunny

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 13 2004

The Perfect Crime: The Life and Choices of Laura Bush

If you tuned into the end of Hardball last night you might've mistaken it for an infomercial for Ann Gerhart's new book, The Perfect Wife: The Life and Choices of Laura Bush. Chris "The President, God bless him - he's doing a great job" Matthews never once mentioned the First Lady's 1963 manslaughter conviction.. Matthew's could've at least asked Gerhert if the books alternate title was "Dude, who's under my car?" or maybe played "Red Light, Red Light, Run It" by the Replacements before going to break.

Hey Chris, the name of the show is "Hardball", you should know that because it's your show. And - if memory serves - it used to be pretty decent. If I want to see mindless pandering to the right-wing I'll watch O'Reilly.

What To Rent has been posted.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
o onhathj - ass-driver

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 14 2004

Potpourri
     Not a whole Hell of a lot to write about today. That happens from time-to-time. At first I thought about writing about how the whole city has "Eagles Fever" and how I hate them all for having it, but I've written about that before.

     Then I thought I'd about how the Super Bowl effects the Presidential election. I figured that if, during an election year - or technically the year before an election year) a southern city beat a northern one than that would mean a Republican victory and vise versa. So I went to a Super Bowl web site and found the following:

1999: Denver 34, Atlanta 19
1995: San Francisco 49, San Diego 26
1991: New York 20, Buffalo 19
     Hard to really draw any conclusion from that, isn't it. So, having failed at generating that piece I decided to check my mail.

     Regarding yesterday's piece on Laura Bush, Ben G. writes:
" The link you provided said she wasn't charged with anything. 'No police charges were filed, apparently, but paperwork from the accident is missing or unclear.'"

     OK, Ben, if the paperwork is missing or unclear, then I invoke my artistic license to fill it in - Laura Bush killed her boyfriend on purpose because he "knew too much". In fact, the part missing from the police report is his last words - "New York...September the eleventh...two thousand and one..." Also present in the car with Laura Bush were Ken Lay, Linda Tripp and her date, Darryl Worley Sr.

What To Rent has been posted.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
o ropalos - cudgel

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 15 2004

Potpourri
     I don't earn an executive salary, but I have what's called an "executive office" which is basically an office that was built to be shared by two people but was converted to a large, one-person, office when the faceless corporation that I work for discovered that sharing an office results in "Thunderdome Syndrome". Two men enter - one man leaves.

     Today (maybe the snow is affecting my mind) I decided to invent a fictitious office mate. The first change I get, I'll swing by The Dollar Store and pick up one of those frames with the picture of a suburban family already in it. That should contrast nicely with my wedding pics.

     Now all I need is a name for my new imaginary friend. Does anyone remember the name of Joseph Conrad's Secret Sharer? If not, feel free to suggest names. Once I get the other side of my office set up, I'll take some pics and post 'em.

Top 5 Show Ideas That Paul Kircher Has Rejected:

5) Fascism - Let's give it a try
4) Kenny G. stops by to talk about life and play some tunes.
3) Philadelphia's Ugliest Child Contest
2) Panel Discussion of the movie Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot
1) Stopping random people on the street and asking "What are looking at, dick-nose?"

     Thanks to the folks over at Reason for pointing me in the direction of this chunk of unintentional hilarity.. If it weren't so damn long (winded), I'd stick it in The 'Tard Write Zone.

     Faux news was wet with joy about mortar shells found in Iraq. Now it turns out, big surprise, the shells did not contain - as previously reported, chemical weapons.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
eudaimonizw - consider happy

If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 16 2004

Attention Residents of Iowa: DO NOT VOTE FOR JOHN KERRY!

     Sure he's a Vietnam Vet, but that's pretty much the only good thing I can think of to say about him. On the negative side, he (like Dubya) is a former Skull and Bones member. He voted for the war with Iraq and later, when he got called on the carpet, he insisted that sure he voted for the war but he didn't thing we would actually go to war. He used the dreaded "F word" in an interview with Rolling Stone - way to win the South, numbnuts. He pretended to be Irish. He's a Washington insider with a strange JFK fixation who brings no new ideas to the race.

     But the real reason that you shouldn't vote for John Kerry is because, should he get the nomination, he is going to suck an unprecedented amount of ass in the debates with Bush. Look, I'm a Kucinich man, but I know that Dennis is way behind in the polls, so my next choice is Howard Dean. Cool, I would love to see Dean debate Bush. Dean is scrappy. He'll get Bush on the ropes on wound stop pummeling him. Howard Dean will pound George Bush until he cries like the little bitch that even his brother Jeb knows he is.

     Now picture John Kerry in a debate with Bush. Not only is Kerry wooden (it's hard to be motivated when you have nothing new to say), but he has an off-putting quality that makes him unappealing to the public at large. Can you say "Dukakis"? How will he react when Bush turns to him and says "If the war with Iraq was such a bad idea, then why did you vote for it?" And - let's be honest - he's creepy. That's why he has trouble energizing the younger voters. These voters where raised on Horror movies - they know Freddy Kruger when they see him.

     So, good citizens of the whatever-your-state's-nickname-is state, vote for anyone (except Gephardt, Edwards or Lieberman) but John Kerry. Hell, Al Sharpton is better choice.

     Thank you and the bar is now open!

My search for an invisible friend continues...
     Brian H. wrote in to remind me that the Secret Sharer's name was Leggatt. He also suggested the following names: Jack Griffin (from _The Invisible Man_) and Odysseus Jones.

     Sean wrote to say that his fake cubicle-mate's name is "Dean Swarthington III". Jeebuz, how pervasive is the phenomenon of fake cubicle mates?

     Turing to the forum, Sully suggests fictitious character "Rufus T. Firefly" while FoxPuppy recommends fictitious character "Darryl Worley". tamfan3 chimes in with "Ed Barlow" and Dave offers up " Mister Stan"

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
zhlwtos - enviable

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 17 2004

Girls Gone Republican !

"By God, I'm hit. Lord have mercy. Burns like hellfire. You son of a bitch. I'm gonna have to kill somebody now. "
- Billy Bob Thornton in Dead Man.

     Earlier this week, right-wing columnist, Michelle Malkin either penned a piece or had her pet gibbon pen a piece that blamed the depletion of the Social Security fund on illegal aliens. I was naturally forced to sit down and write a letter-to-the-editor explaining to the learning-challenged Ms. Malkin that the damage to Social Security was caused by the Bush administration's use of the Social Security surplus to pay off many basic services, thereby hiding the true size of the nation debt.

     I hated having to write that letter for three reasons. First is that I am a very lazy man, so nothing makes me angrier than when I have to take time away from surfing for Mexican porn and explain to someone exactly why they are a moron. Secondly is the fact that most people who compose letters-to-the-editor are total whack jobs. H.L. Mencken even thought so. Finally, and most annoying, this is the fact that this is Economics 101, folks. It's self-evident. I shouldn't have to be explaining this to a four-year-old on a sugar high, let alone a columnist.

     By this point, many of you are asking "Just who the Hell is Michelle Malkin, anyway?"

I'll to cut to the chase - Michelle Malkin is a hot Asian chick (which may be a redundancy). Sure, Michelle would like to be thought of as more than a hot Asian chick, but if she keeps on writing like a third grade drop-out who's recently suffered a head injury, that ain't gonna happen. At least, not as long as she remains hot (and Asian and a woman). In a few years, Ms. Malkin is in for a rude awakening. Maybe that's why the Picture that they run next to her column seems to be few years old. It's hard to imagine a hideous (And, using Yoko Ono as a yardstick, we can rest assured that hideousness is in Ms. Malkin's immediate future.) woman getting away with pieces like the one in which Michelle blamed Jessica Simpson's apparent lack of brain cells on Liberals. I shit you not. In the same piece where Michelle, a cheerleader for abstinence, lambasted Jessica Simpson, who remained a virgin until marriage, she praised the intellectual ability of Ann "Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married" Coulter.

Ann Coulter. The woman who once said to a disabled Vietnam vet "People like you caused us to lose that war." Ann Coulter. The purveyor of such gems as "The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail" and "backbone of the Democratic Party is a typical fat, implacable welfare recipient".

     How can Coulter get away with saying crap like this? As coulter once said "I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't." You see, unlike Malkin who actually is hot, Coulter just thinks that she's hot, when actually she's just hotter than most liberal commentators.

     My father is genius, or at least I think that he's one. Actually he's smarter than most other fathers. When I was a kid, I was watching a Popeye cartoon when I turned to my dad and asked "Why are Popey and Brutus fighting over Olive Oil? I mean, she's not exactly attractive by any standard that humans might use?"

     My dad, without missing a beat said "Well, son, you see the only other women that Popey and Brutus ever get to see are the Sea Hag and Alice the Goon. By comparison, Olive must look pretty good." Then he went on to explain that scientists have proven that the women in a bar actually become more attractive the closer it gets to closing time.

     And my point is? OK, let's say that you are the host of a television news show, who would you rather look at for a half hour, Olive Oil or the Sea Hag? Now you see why we get to be treated to the inane musings of Ann Coulter instead of, let's say, that old hippy chick who hosts Democray Now

.

Republicans may not understand things like Evolution, Global Warming, or how to eat with a fork, but they do understand how to get their message across - hot women. That's why the Jersey GOP has a Republican Babes web site featuring such right-wing poon as Kim Alexis, Shannen Doherty, and (Please, dear God, don't let this be true) Emma Caulfield. How can Liberals compete when all that we have in our "Babe" arsenal are Jeanne Garofalo and Margaret Cho. Hardly seems like a fair fight. And that's why I say that until we Liberals learn to deliver our message through the puffy lips of hot chicks, we might as well not even have a message.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
epexw - attack

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 18 2004

Dysfunction Junction
It was recently pointed out to me that, if the Iggles win today's game, the victory will contribute to the already overwhelming evidence that Rush Limbaugh has no idea what he's talking about. So, while I wish the birds lots of luck, I won't be watching the game. Why? Because watching football causes erectile dysfunction. The pharmaceutical company I work for markets an erectile dysfunction drug. And where do they concentrate their advertising? Football games. Ergo, watching football makes Mr. Hooha stop showing up for work. Aren't you glad that I told you before you tuned in?

Kerry Alert!
Dean S. writes:

"I hate John Kerry. Now don't get me wrong I'm not some kind of playa hata. I've met the man albeit briefly. Being originally from Marblehead Massachusetts, I met him the day of my high school graduation. All I really remember of him is that he was to speak for 15 minutes and took a half hour and then patronized us with some generic election speech. After 4 years of high school I just wanted my damn paper and jet out of there and not listen to some white guy gushing about how he's going to build us a better future. And this was in 1987 just before the Wall Street crash. So it was hard to imagine a better future than the rolling party called the Reagan years. I just hate him. Kennedy too."

Heard that noise and other urban slang. John Kerry strikes me as the kind of guy who feels that we owe him our votes. In fact, I bet he lays awake at night trying to figure out why he isn't President already.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
agrios - wild

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 19 2004

Drop and Roll High School
Malkin is at it again.

     In today's piece she's crying her almond-shaped eyes out because a state of New Jersey assemblywoman has introduced a bill that would impose annual academic testing and annual medical exams on home-schooled students in the Soprano State. Michelle sees it as government interference. Now you can call me an Atheistic Socialist Baby-Killer, but I see it pretty goddamn reasonable idea.

     About the only good thing that public schools have going for them is that if a kid shows up with a black eye and a bloody poop-chute, there's a good change that someone will notice. Same goes for the kid who reaches tenth grade without being able to spell "moron" or "columnist". This can't be said for Home-schooled children who, as far as I know, are all chained in the basement and whose daily routine revolves around finding new ways to amuse themselves with there own filth.

     Look, I'm not saying that this kinda thing is actually going on out there (Then again, we are talking about New Jersey). I'm just saying that if we don't check up on these kids it could happen. Without medical testing what's to keep parents from tying their offspring to the radiator in order to teach them the scientific principle of heat transfer? Without academic testing, how can we know if the heads of home-schooled kids aren't being filled with bullshit like "the Earth is flat" or "Drain-O tastes just like Pepsi"?

     I can understand the desire of home-schooling parents to closely monitor their children's education and supply them with individual attention (Although, if you ask me, most home-schooling parents are just afraid that some "Uppity Negro" might ask little Suzy to the Prom). And home-schooling might've once been a good idea - before a little thing that I like to call "The Twentieth Century." We aren't living in little homes on the prairie any more, folks. Junior needs to know more than how to count to twenty-one without getting naked. Find me a parent that can teach English (with real books like Catcher in the Rye), math (including Trig.), Physics, Computer Science, Biology, and History and I'll build them a school.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
paideuw - teach

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 20 2004

Y'all Don't Know My Pain
     Last night, just as I was getting ready to watch the Iowa Caucus, I lost a filling. Talk about bad signs.

     John "Hey, did I mention that I served in Vietnam?" Kerry ??? Way to go cornhuskers, you just helped move America one step closer to electing (you can't really say "re-electing") George "Corky" Bush.

     Now, I know that the Iowa Caucus isn't the end of the road (The Pats [Robertson and Buchanan] have both won Iowa), but it doesn't look like things are off to a good start. It seems that Howard Dean fell out of favor with Iowaonians when they learned that he "got angry and yelled a lot". Cornfuckers turned out en masse for John Kerry when they learned that he was a Vietnam vet. What? John Kerry served in Vietnam? I never knew that...even though Kerry mentions it at least 30 times in every speech.

     Some people seem to think that just because Kerry is a Vietnam vet, he can beat Corky. Oh, yeah? Al Gore was a Vietnam vet. 'Nuff said? By the way, my guy, Dennis Kucinich pulled in a whopping 1% of the vote. Kewl, now I can wear a 1% patch without joining a biker gang.

I'm wiped out, so I'm gonna grab a nap, then answer emails and post this weeks film.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
akouw - hear

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 21 2004

A couple walks by as ugly as sin, but he's got her and she's got him.

     Jeebuz Krist, I hate George "Corky" Bush Jr. I've picked things off the bottom of my shoe that had a higher IQ than him. Did any of catch Corky's State of the Union address last night? I swear that if you'd stuck a brick wall behind that stupid fugger the entire event would've been indistinguishable from a bad stand-up comedy routine.

     Which brings me the latest thing that Corky's done to piss me off. He's proposing spending 1.5 billion dollars (which I realize is just a drop in the bucket, but Hell - a billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you're talking about real money.) on strengthening traditional marriages. The key word being traditional, which in Bush's tiny little mind means one man, one woman, and all sexual activity to take place for procreation purposes only and with the lights out.

     I guess Corky figures that if someone had pumped 1.5 billion dollars into strengthening traditional marriages a few years back maybe is father would've never have banged RATYHTL 2003 It Girl, Jennifer Fitzgerald. But I digress...

     The problem with Corky's program is that it'll be, most likely be "Faith based". Which means that it'll be administered in church basements by people who believe that a strong marriage is based on a strong belief in Jesus when, in actuality, a strong marriage is based on an intense hatred of George W. Bush.

     Think about it. The states with the highest divorce rates are the ones that went with Corky in 2000. Do you know which state has the lowest divorce rate? Massachusetts. That's right, the Kennedy/Kerry/Gay Marriage State. If you need an example of a strong marriage based on a hated of George W. Bush, you need look no further than my own. Vienna and I have the strongest marriage of anyone I've ever met...and we both think that Bush sucks monkey balls. Hell, we even included that in our marriage vows - to love, honor, cherish, and agree that Bush sucks monkey balls.

Fan Mail

Serge P. writes in to say:

"my name is serge and i am a fan of you but not your music, which sucks."

OK, folks, by the time you read this, What To Do and What To Rent should be posted

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
elpizw - hope

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 22 2004

Oh, I do.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald has the night off so, in her place, Mr T. presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
oiktirw - pity

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 23 2004

This Week In Haiku
Iowa caucus
Kerry takes the state
Pods placed under beds

The President speaks
On the State of the Union
Quick, change the channel

The Real World - fifteen
Comes to Philadelphia
Proof there is no God

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
hmeij - we

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 24 2004

Newsweak
The other day I had one of those "WTF moments" when a reporter for Newsweek asked Howard Dean "Do you see Jesus Christ as the son of God and believe in him as the route to salvation and eternal life?" Howard, who must've been twice as weirded out by being asked the question that I was seeing it in print in a supposed news magazine, answered "I certainly see him as the son of God. I think whether I'm saved or not is not gonna be up to me"

What Howard, whose wife is Jewish, by the way, should've said was "I'll tell you what I believe; I believe that that's a very appropriate question to ask - if you're a reporter for the fucking 700 Club. But you aren't, you work for Newsweek - how about asking a question that may have some actual validity to it? Now, I believe that I'm going to have to kick your ass all the way to New Hampshire, then to South Carolina, and on to Oklahoma, North Dakota, Arizona, Yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhh!!!"

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
hmaj - us

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 26 2004

New Feature - A few Minutes with Dick Cheney.

     When you spend your days sitting in a hidden bunker your mind gets to wandering.

     Ever wonder what happened to those adorable ethnic stereotypes that used to light up the Silver Screen back in the good ol' days before the Civil Rights Era? Of course you do. Who could forget the lovable shuffling lazy Negro, the lovable opium smoking Chinaman, or the lovable women-and-children-massacring Injun?

     Now you can call me old-fashioned (that's if you can actually find the underground bunker I'm in right now), but I think that those roles were much more positive (especially when played by white actors in heavy make-up) than many of today's portrayals of Darkies, Chinks, and Redskins.

    Why, just the other day I was having my maid changes the channels on the TV (The remote plays Hell with my pacemaker) when I happened to see colored fellow playing a Dentist. Back in my day, whenever you saw a colored on the tube he was working in a profession that the public liked and trusted - for example, a porter or an assistant-porter. But who likes Dentists? Nobody, not even the President. You wouldn't believe the crap we have to bribe him with just to get his teeth cleaned. Ever see a grown man demand a pony ride? Not a pretty picture. Just imagine how hard it would be getting the President to see a colored Dentist.

     A few weeks back, I heard some of the younger guys here in the underground bunker talking about this Halle Barry woman, so I had Karl Rove rent me one of her films. Now, I'll admit that for a Negress she's a fine looking broad, but just think how much better she'd look in a maid's uniform. I know that if my old friend, Strom Thurmond, were still alive he'd agree.

     Between heart attacks I'll have to remember to call the boys over at Halliburton and ask 'em to have a looksie down in the vault for any of those good, old movies. Jeez, I don't think anybody over there's been down in that vault since November of '63 when we hid...oh, would ya' look at the time! Gotta run.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
auto - it

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 27 2004

Where the wild things are.
I was listening to Maurice Sendak, who wrote and drew Where The Wild Things Are the other day on Fresh Air. He was talking about how his mother suffered from depression her entire life. To make matters worse, this was back when the concept of psychological illness was in its infancy. In other words, his mother was suffering from something they didn't have a word for and she couldn't understand. In fact, if anyone were to ask his mother why she was so sad, she'd just reply "it's just life" and burst into tears.

Which got to wondering about all the things that we may be suffering from that don't have a name yet.

By the time you read this, What To Rent should be posted. Oh, and you're only days away from a new Life With The Poor.

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
h talaipwria - hardship

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 28 2004

Totally Gay Confederate Flag

Although I'd love to see George "Corky" Bush defeat, I'm not sure I can bring myself to vote for long-time party insider and possible walking corpse John "Skull and Bones" Kerry. Of course, that's assuming that Kerry gets the nomination. There are still a lot of primary states left and carting around all those boxes of his native earth might take its toll on the recently re-animated Senator.

Speaking of the Presidential race, Slate, today, offered this pretty good advice to the Democrats. Of course I thinks it's good advice only because it's what I've been saying for twenty freakin' years now! But let's say that Dems foolishly ignore this advice and decide to concentrate on a strategy of inclusiveness (or, as it's better known as, "pandering"). In this case, let me offer the Dems some new advice. This best way to unite the Liberal North and the Conservative (retarded) South would be by changing Americas flag to this:

Rather you call it The Rainbow Rebel, Ol' Glory Hole, or The Totally Gay Confederate Flag, this bold banner screams tolerance and Rebel pride. And it looks just at home on the back of an old pick-up truck as it does being waved during Bette Midler concert. It's the flag for people who like the Dixie Chicks and for people who like chicks with dicks.

Right now, the Totally Gay Confederate Flag is just dream. But, with your help, it can become reality. Please email the following letter to every man, woman, and child on the face of the Earth:

Dear ____;
     President Warren G. Harding once said "Boy-howdy, it's good to have things." And while it may be good to have thing, sadly, not all things are good. I speak to you at the time of a great a turning point in our Nation's history. For today we Americans find ourselves not only fighting a war on terror abroad, but also engaged in a clash of cultures here at home.
     This "Culture War" has pitted Liberal against Conservative, Christian against Atheist, sophisticated Urbanite against simple Rustic. If America is to continue prospering, this war must end! But how? How can both sides of the "Culture Wars" be re-united? My fellow American, I believe that the fist step to reconciliation should be a bold redesign of our nation's flag from this:

     To this:

    The Rainbow Rebel. The flag that combines the historic tolerance of the Yankee North with the bold individualism that made the South what it is today. I ask each of you to join me in urging your member of Congress to put forward a resolution proposing the adoption of this new flag.
    Together we CAN heal this land. Together we CAN make a difference.

Less than 48 hours until a new Live With The Poor

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
anacioj - unworthy

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 29 2004

The freak write zone

The following appeared in the Letters-To-The-Editor section of today's Philadelphia Daily News. While it isn't exactly retarded, it is one of the strangest Gawdamned things I've seen in quite some time.

Abortion: Maybe it's God's will

    WITH the recent converging of abortion protesters in Washington, I wonder if anyone thinks the procedure may be God's will. God spoke to Noah, saved him and his family then destroyed all living creatures on earth. He spoke to Lot, saved him and his family, then destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. Saved Moses and the Israelites, destroyed the Egyptians.
    Since God has a penchant for destruction and knows how we will live our lives before we're born, maybe he is giving these women the courage to have an abortion because he feels the unborn child is so evil he must destroy it before it is born.
    Maybe God put doctors on this earth to perform his destruction of unborn lives, just as he put Pontius Pilate here to destroy his son's life for us.
Kevin Flanagan
Mount Ephraim, N.J.

Less than 24 hours until a new Live With The Poor

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
h skhnh - tent

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

Jan. 30 2004

Petty Brain Junction

     Just in case you haven't seen this it seems that the Superintendent of the Georgia State School System (and what a dream job that's gotta be) he proposed removing the word "Evolution" from the states texts books and replacing it with "biological changes over time."

    Go back and read that again.

    It's seems that Superintendent Kathy Cox (ha ha) believes that the switcheroo will alleviate pressure on teachers in socially conservative areas [Incestuous Hell-holes] where parents [mindless fucks] object to its teaching [and indoor plumbing].

    Is this woman trying to make life easier for the writers of The Daily Show? Didn't anyone explain to her that when the words, Georgia, school, and evolution get together in a headline the result is, more often than not, pure comedy gold?

Speaking of comedy gold…LIFE WITH THE POOR 20!

RATYHTL's 2003 - 2004 It Girl
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:

The ancient Greek word of the day:
biwtoj - livable

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.

December 03 November 03 October 03 September 03 August 03 July 03

June 03 May 03 April 03 March 03 February 03 January 03