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Archive of Thoughtlessness - February '04 |
| Feb. 01 2004 |
My take on Aileen Wuornos on whom the new film Monster is based? I don't think she should've been executed. I think she should've been pardoned and given more bullets. Just for you - The History of Iraq. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:  oinoj - wine If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 02 2004 |
I woke up this morning feeling bad for Polly Holiday who played Flo on the sit-com Alice. Rumor has it that Holiday was a talented Broadway actress who took the part because she thought the TV series would stick close to the movie it was based on, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. I guess she didn't own a television, or she would've seen how the gritty Cooly High was transformed into the harmless What's Happening. Anyway, Polly found herself contractually obligated to say, "Kiss my grits" each week. And while I'm sure that there are worse ways to earn a living, I'm hard pressed to figure out how Polly got of bed every day. DO NOT miss Paul's show on Wed. afternoon. Trust me on this one. And don't forget to read thisThe History of Iraq. Gar-un-teed 100% true! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: bradewj - slowly If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 03 2004 |
Shock and awe  The American people are angry and they want about an explanation. No, not
to why no WMD's have been found in Iraq. Americas want the FCC to take a
long, hard look at Janet Jackson's right breast, which made its national
debut at Sunday's Super Bowl Halftime show. Here's some goddamn
perspective.Any argument that begins with "I was watching the Super Bowl" and includes the words "and was shocked to see" is, by its very nature, a losing argument. It's a football game, people, not Masterpiece Theater. Doesn't anyone see the irony in this? "Damn, Bubba Jr. look at how hard that mutha got hit. They's takin' him away on a stretcher. Would ya' look at that? What, a nekkid breast? Don't look, Bubba Jr. Don't look!" Saying that you were shocked by something you saw during the Super Bowl is pretty much the same as saying "The other day, I went down into the sewer - you know, for fun. Boy, did that place smell awful. It was shocking." The Gayest Sport EVER. Now, step back and take a look at this through a Freudian perspective and you'll see that it was inevitable. Football, with the possible exception of wrestling is the gayest sport ever. Men in tight clothing tumbling over each other. It's like gay porn on a gridiron. Normally, all of football's innate gayness is counterbalanced by the appearance of scantily clad cheerleaders. Western society has placed them their to assure the male viewer that he's straight. Unfortunately, for this Super Bowl cheerleaders weren't enough. Why not? Because this Super Bowl carried ads for erectile dysfunction drugs Viagra and Lavitra. Think for a moment about the message that was being sent to the male viewer. "You're watching men in tight pants and you can't get it up for your wife - shouldn't you be wearing a tutu?" This disturbing message had to be fended off. But with what? An ol' fashion pagan fertility rite, of course. The Rites Of Spring And that's why Apollo - portrayed by Justin Timberlake - had to expose the breast of Aphrodite - portrayed by Janet Jackson. It was the only way to send the message "Don't worry about your erectile dysfunction, fellows. Things are gonna be just fine. We are still in charge." It was a way of using pagan imagery to get a Christian message across. Bullshit Before you dismiss the above theory, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just another moment. I have another theory I need to float your way. Martha Stewart is being prosecuted not because of any Wall Street shenanigans that she may've taken part in. Martha Stewart is being prosecuted because she is the embodiment of the Earth Mother. Anyone who's read Camille Paglia knows that the aim of Western Civilization is to suppress Earth or Mother magic. The cult of Martha Stewart, the ultimate Goddess of the Home, had grown to large and had to be dealt with. Finally, even you fail to agree with me on the whole pagan ritual thing, here's another thought: We are at war with the Taliban. A group of "men" who despise female nudity. When Justin exposed Janet's breast he should've yelled, "Screw you, bin Laden!" DO NOT MISS PAUL'S SHOW TOMORROW! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: outwj - thus, so, in this way If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 04 2004 |
 So, a few days ago Paul emails me to say that Oliver North will be dropping
by his show and did I have any questions that I'd like to ask him? Hell,
yeah. For 15 years I've wanted to hear Oliver North's explanation for why
he as banned from Costa Rica.In case you never heard (and the odds are that you haven't. This is one of the most under-reported stories of all time and, as far as I know I'm the first person ever to ask Lt. Col. North about it), in 1989 Oliver North (Along with Richard Secord, John Poindexter and a few others was banned from Costa Rica when a Costa Rican government committee concluded that the contra re-supply network that North was running out of the White House was doubling as a drug smuggling operation. Today at 3:30 pm - after 15 years of waiting - I got to Mr. North if the Contras were involved in smuggling drugs. The bad news is that I had called into Paul's show on my cell phone and had a hard time hearing Mr. North. Although, judging by the tone of his voice, he didn't seem too happy. Oddly, the only words that I could make out were "The problem with people like you, Rodney, is" to which I wanted to reply "Yes, Ollie, exactly what is my problem? That I ask valid questions?" but my connection dropped. The good news is that you can expect a detailed story about all of this in the immediate future. DO YOU MISS PAUL'S SHOW TODAY? Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: eu - well If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 05 2004 |
I'm assuming that by now, you've all seen an episode or two of Bands Reunited. It's not surprising that, once again, VH1 has the wrong idea. Why waste all of that time and energy convincing bands to reunite when there are so many bad bands out there that they could be convincing to break up? That's the show I wanna see. VH1 could call it Bands Considered. "Mick, I've spoken with Keith and he says that he's willing to put an end to this fiasco if you." What To Rent has been posted Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: prattw - act If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 06 2004 |
 Happy 93rd Birthday to Ronald "Rainbow Rebel" Reagan. I hope he has a
wonderful birthday. Sure, the Gipper and I have had our differences - like
the times when he sold arms to Iran and Iraq. And there was that time he
violated a World Court decision and mined Nicaragua's harbors. Oh, yeah,
and he also ignored the aids crisis and remember how his cronies gutted the
HUD and the EPA? Not to mention the time he flew a White House aide - at
taxpayers' expense - to meet with a representative of the Church of the Roses. Come to think of it,
Reagan is a flaming asshole. Screw him and his birthday. I hope he falls
into the cake, crazy old dickweed.
What To Rent has been posted Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: afwnoj - dumb, speechless If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 08 2004 |
 I'm pretty busy, so I'm just going to take a minute and dedicate today's Thoughtless to Catherine of Aragon. Catherine is one of those historical personages who got handed the shit-end-of-the-stick through no fault of her own. So, I hereby nominate her as the first candidate for RATYHTL It Girl for 2004 - 2005. Hey, the Oliver North piece has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: o misqoj - reward If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 09 2004 |
 So I'm flipping through the newspaper at lunch (In her column today,
Michelle Malkin was bitching about her baby having to get a hepatitis type
B vaccination. Maybe the nurses at the hospital have read her stuff and
pegged her for a drug user?) when I noticed the following on the TV grid:Lifetime: The Devil's Child ('97) Kim Delaney, Thomas Gibson. Premiere. A young woman is forced to bear Satan's child. At first, I thought "Good for you, Lifetime Network. It's about time that somebody tackled the issue of women getting knocked up by Lucifer. I mean, if you don't count Rosemary's Baby and about a gazillion other films." Now here's an odd thing, why would a woman worry about being impregnated by the Devil when there's no record of this sort of thing ever having happened? However there is a record (one that about a billion or so people believe) of someone getting knocked up by God. Think about it. God didn't ask Mary if she wanted to have his baby. He just sent an angel to tell her that the dirty deed had been done, least she figure it out on her own and head of to the ancient equivalent of Planned Parenthood. The entire thing was non-consensual. It's a wonder that Michelangelo didn't portray God wearing a ski mask and climbing in through an open window at three am. Zeus caught a lot of flack for this sort of behavior, by the way. Now toss in that whole "Sons of God knowing the daughters of Man" stuff and you'll see why Gnosticism was so popular. The Oliver North piece has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: o ptwxoj - beggar If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 10 2004 |
 I surprised that nobody else picked up on the following exchange from
Corky's visit to Meet The Press last Sunday:Tim Russert: ...speaking of military organizations, which military group do you admire most and why? "President" Bush: The Vikings because they were the first to train radioactive bears to do their bidding. That tactic was, of course, instrumental in their defeat of the Japanese, which helped them gain a foothold in the Minnesota region. Tim Russert: [Pause] Um...OK. Er...which military group do you least admire and why? "President" Bush: The Mongoloid Whores. [I think he meant "Mongolian Hordes" - Rodney]. Look, I'm all for equal opportunity for the handicapped and what not, but some things are just plain wrong. I mean, just think how long it would take 'em to make change. That can be tough enough for a normal person. Why, just the other day, I cave Karl Rove three tens for a twenty. What To Rent has been posted and so has The Oliver North piece Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: o nomoj - law If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 11 2004 |
 Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Increased misery towards nightfall with a 50% chance of being buried alive. What To Rent has been posted and so has The Oliver North piece Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: palia - long ago If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 12 2004 |
This is one of those days when I just don't have a damn thing to write about. It's not that I'm drawing a blank, it's just that Paul and I have been getting ready for what may be the greatest thing ever presented on radio and I've been using the part of my mind that I normally reserve to work on the Thoughtless for the Day to concentrate on that. Did that make any sense? See, I'm so wrapped up in preparing for the greatest thing ever presented on radio that I'm having trouble forming coherent sentences. By the way, tomorrow's Thoughtless will be a little late because I'm going to an event at the Well-Fed Artists Gallery. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Scattered woe until morning. Mourning in the afternoon. What To Rent has been posted and so has The Oliver North piece Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: pote - once If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 13, 2004 |
Instead of writing about how Wes Clarke dimed out John Kerry for having a girlfriend, I thought I'd write about one of the most bizarre things that I ever witnessed - I once saw a PBS pledge drive completely crash and burn. But, first, a confession. I've written before about what a Geek I was in High School, but I think that I may've failed to make clear what a pathetic Geek I was. While I've written at great lengths about my love for Dungeons and Dragons, what I've failed to make note of (But I'm sure that many of you have already figured out) is my addiction to Dr. Who. There, I've said it. I was not just a Dr. Who fan - I was a rabid Dr. Who fan. I would rather have had a limb amputated than miss an episode. And I wasn't alone in this either. My friend, Craig, managed to con his mother into knitting him a scarf exactly like the one Tom Baker wore. I swear the damn thing was 15 feet long. We were all sure that he'd end up dying like Isadora Duncan. OK, now that that's all out in the open, we may proceed. So, when our local PBS affiliate announced that they would be showing The Five Doctors (If you have no idea what The Five Doctors is, then check out a Dr. Who website - there must be millions of 'em) during their bi-weekly pledge break, Craig and I decided to plan a little TV party around the event. To make things even better, the station announced that they would be following The Five Doctors with The Rutles - All You Need Is Cash "As a present to all of those Beatles fans out there." "Beatles fans hate the fucking Rutles," we all said in unison as the clueless guy on TV reminded us to send in money. We, of course, hated the Beatles so we were pretty psyched and decided to double up on the amount of beer that we originally thought we'd need. Now that you've got the most of the background info, let me set the stage. It's an autumn night in 1979 and Craig, me, and about a half a dozen other people have gathered in my parent's living room to drink beer and watch Dr. Who and the Rutles. Think of us as "Team A" for Audience. Team B (for unbefuckinlievable) was made up by the folks in the WHYY studio who would be providing (some might say "interrupting") the evening's entertainment. This team consisted of about twenty volunteers who manned the phones (fans of Greek tragedy may think of them as the chorus), The Fat Guy, The Dork's Dad, and The Dork. The key, gentle reader, to understanding just why happened lies in grasping an accurate mental picture of The Dork. Have you ever seen the movie 1941? Remember the Jerry Lewis-esque 'tard with the ventriloquist's dummy on the Ferris wheel? The same actor is also in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, in case you've seen that cinematic masterpiece. Alright, now imagine that guy, same glasses and voice, as a teenager and you've got The Dork. The Dork's Dad was a station manager or program director or some such bullshit and he'd brought The Dork along to co-host the evening's festivities because The Dork was The World's Greatest Dr. Who Fan. I know this because The Dork insisted on telling the entire viewing audience for about fifteen minutes that he was, in fact and without question, The World's Greatest Dr. Who Fan. He then spent another ten minutes regaling us with Dr. Who trivia (each tidbit prefaced with "Betcha didn't know - I betcha.") in order to prove his claim. The phones lit up with calls. Of course all of these calls were death threats aimed at The Dork. The Dork's Dad, blinded by a father's love for his son and, perhaps, a few before-show margaritas, thought that his kid was raking in the pledges, so he let him rattle on. Speaking of dads, it was during The Dork's monolog that my dad swung by the living room to see how we were all doing (My folks were OK with us drinking beer as long as anyone who got drunk turned over their car keys stayed the night). My dad saw maybe two minutes worth of The Dork's spiel and expressed a burning desire to kick his teeth down his throat. In fact, to this day, my dad still talks about kicking The Dork's ass. And my dad's a follower of the Dahlia Lama. The Fat Guy (who was no stranger to the world of pledge drives - having hosted one every other week for the past twenty years) sensed that something was wrong and cut The Dork off. The Five Doctors rolled and we breathed a sigh of relief. But, this being PBS during a pledge drive, The Five Doctors only rolled for about twelve minutes before Team B reappeared to remind us that if we were watching PBS without pledging money, then we might as well be ass-raping a blind flower girl with a hot poker. It was during this first Pledge Break that something began to dawn on The Dork's Dad. As his son launched into a tirade about how people who aren't real "Whovians" should change the channel, he looked at the phones ringing off the hook and said to himself "The numbers on the totals board show be going up, but they're just sitting there. Why? Could this have something to do with…*gasp*…my son?" The Fat Guy, in a desperate bid to save the Pledge Break, walked over to a phone volunteer (a pretty girl in her early twenties) and asked "So, was that last call a major pledge?" "Um. No. That was just some kids trying to be funny…" "Goddamn it! Didn't you pay attention during training? You're not supposed to…" And then The Five Doctors mysteriously came back on. Now, at this point, some of you armchair psychologists might be formulating a theory that the reason my friends and I despised The Dork so much was that we saw our own Geekishness reflected in him. Well, fuck you. I may've been five-foot-even, weighed less than 100 lbs and not been able to get laid even if I'd ran the Spanish Fly concession at a nymphomaniacs' convention, but I was light-years ahead of The Dork. Apples and Oranges, folks. Another twelve minutes of The Five Doctors and it was time for another Pledge Break. This time, the mood in the studios of WHYY was obviously strained. The Dork's Dad, a sad and defeated shell of a man, said little. The Dork seemed busy trying to process the little talking to he was obviously given during the last installment of The Five Doctors . And The Fat Guy…Well, the Fat Guy was about to make a huge mistake. Many of you will not believe what happened next, but I swear that what I'm about to tell you is true. In an effort to break the tension, The Fat Guy walked over to the phone banks and picked up one of the phones: "What? Why don't we get back to the show? [Brief pause] Why don't you go suck your son?" And then The Five Doctors , a little less mysteriously than before, came back on. Team A looked at each other in disbelief "Did he just say 'go suck your son'?" "Maybe he meant 'go suck your thumb'?" "Hey, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to watch this." Twelve minutes later it was time for another Pledge Break and Team A was psyched. "Jesus, man wadda you think they'll say this time?" "I bet they piss off the Jews. That dorky kid has 'Jew hater' written all over him." "Hey, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to watch this." Team B decided that I might be best not to focus on Dr. Who, but to concentrate on the upcoming Rutles special. This would be their undoing. The Fat Guy and The Dork's Dad engaged in some forced banter about how the Rutles were a moving tribute to the Beatles (leading us to believe that they had no idea who the fuck the Rutles were) and that they were sure that Beatles fans throughout the Delaware Valley would call in and top the pledges made by the fans of Dr. Who (which, in retrospect wouldn't had been too difficult since the Dr. Who fans had pledged a total of Jack Shit). And that's when The Dork chimed in with "Hey, Beatles fans, you'll never top the Dr. Who fans. Don't even bother calling in." For what must've been the fourth time that night, The Dork had urged people not to call in to the pledge drive. It was too much for The Fat Guy who turned to The Dork's Dad and shouted "If you don't shut him up, I'm gonna snap his fu…" "Alright K-9 " The Five Doctors was back on the air. Twelve minutes later, when the next Pledge Break rolled around, The Dork, The Dork's Dad, and The Fat Guy were all gone. Replaced by some production assistant who bravely tried to salvage what was left of the pledge drive. Team A, now disinterested, wandered into the kitchen until The Five Doctors came back on. The Fallout: Later, sitting on the lower roof of my parents' house, a few of us tried to make sense of what we'd seen earlier. "'Suck you son' was obviously some sort of Freudian thing. That fat guy was pissed off at that dorky kid and his dad." "I'll tell you what it means" said Craig "It means that if we're not careful we could all end up like that dorky kid." "Yeah? Why don't you go suck your son?" Looking up at the stars I decided that I should get laid. The sooner the better. But that's another story. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Periods of sleet followed by the death of your child-bride. What To Rent has been posted and so has The Oliver North piece Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: qhreuw - to hunt If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 16, 2004 |
I gave my biological clock a complete back-alley bitch-slapping this weekend. On Friday night, Vienna and I went over to the Well Fed Artists Galley and hung out for a while having a grand ol' time. I ended up staying awake until four am writing and working on Vienna's Valentine's Day present (A Catherine of Aragon shirt). On Saturday night Vienna and I went to see the Sideshow Profits and Carnival of Shame at Tritone. We had such a good time that, when we got home, we decided to stay up until about 7:30 am. Having tossed my usual routine out the window with the baby and its bathwater, I am now left with no ambition whatsoever. It took me almost twenty minutes to get up enough energy to write this crap. To make matters worse, I started reading Donna Tartt's The Little Friend over the weekend, so now the only thing I really wanna do is lay in bed and read. Which, if you think about, should be the only ambition that anyone should have. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Howls of anguish fill the night air. It's officail - we're hipper than Kevin Bacon. But, then again, who isn't? Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: ptuw - to spit If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 17, 2004 |
 I've pointed out before that Mel Gibson's Holocaust denying dad recently
replaced Louis Fahrakan as the World's Freestyle
Jew-Hating Champion, but it wasn't until today that Mel seems to share
his ol' man's shit-for-brains options.In a recent interview Gibson was asked, "You're going to have to go on record. The Holocaust happened, right?" Here's Gibson's reply: "I have friends and parents of friends who have numbers on their arms. The guy who taught me Spanish was a Holocaust survivor. He worked in a concentration camp in France. Yes, of course. Atrocities happened. War is horrible. The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps. Many people lost their lives. In the Ukraine, several million starved to death between 1932 and 1933. During the last century, 20 million people died in the Soviet Union." What's missing from this answer? That's right, the actual answer itself. Mad at the Jews Max never says that the Nazis gassed Jews in the camps. No, he dances around the question like the prissy little ballerina he is. Hey, Mel, you and Ollie North should form a dance troop. I hope your movie tanks and your father gets bowel cancer. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Partly cloudy with a 60% chance of being burried alive. What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: plekw - to plait If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 18, 2004 |
I'm feeling kinda run down, so I just wanted to let everybody know that, even though it's a little late, I've posted this month's Book of the Month. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Expect Misery to manifest itself in the form of a charred, What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: speirw - to seed If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | Feb. 19, 2004 |
Bad news for spunky little cock-monkey, George "Corky" Bush. It seem that, if the election were held today, he would lose to either John Kerry, John Edwards, or a bottle of industrial solvent. I have to admit that I was happy to hear this, because - even though I'm not crazy about Kerry or Edwards - I hate "Corky"'s fuckin' guts. Since Howard Dean has dropped out, that should free a lot more people up to vote for the official RATYHTL candidate - Dennis Kucinich. Oh, and Mrs. "Corky" was bitchin' about Gay marriages today. Jesus Fuck, lady. You're father-in-law used to bang the RATYHTL "It Girl" and your brother-in-law, Neil, has a thing for Asian hookers. I mean, it not like Gay marriages are causing people to run stop signs and kill young Texans, is it? Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:The howls of a wild beast will crescendo What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: oi ponhroi - the Ramones If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 20, 2004 |
 Today's Drudge Report featured an
interesting story that didn't involve John Kerry's penis. It seems
that many "Evangelicals", upset with - get this - Bush's failure to
strongly condemn illegal homosexual marriages being performed in San
Francisco are planning to stay home on election day. This is a huge
sacrifice when you consider the shitty little shanties these people live
in.By the way, the other day when I was walking to work, a panhandler yelled out "I spent all my money on Hickety-Do." I immediately gave him a dollar, but didn't have the balls to ask what "Hickety-Do" was. If I see him again, I'll pay him $5 for an explanation. Speaking of poverty, when are you cheap bastards going to start buying RATYHTL shirts, hats and coasters (you have to admit, those coaster are pretty sweet). Do the math, people - RATYHTL shirt + You = Knee Deep in "Hickety-Do". Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Highs in the low 30's, but - when What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: h eorh - the feast If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 22, 2004 |
 eimi ou doulon tw fobw means "I am not a slave to fear" and it's going to be my standard response those of you'll who'll be sending me emails to let me know just what a jackass I am for supporting Ralph Nader in his bid for the Presidency.My original - gut reaction - response of "Fuck you" seemed a little hash once I gave it a few minutes of thought. After all, those of you who'll be writing me to insist that I have my head planted firmly up my ass have legitimate fears. I, on the other hand, have legitimate hopes. I am proud that I voted for the Nader/LaDuke ticket in 2000. Can any of you who voted for Gore/Lieberman say the same thing? How about those of you who are planning to vote for John Kerry - a man who voted for the war with Iraq and the patriot act? If the Senate had a bill before it at this very moment that defined marriage as being between a man and a woman, do you think that John Kerry would stand up against it? Can you say that John Kerry isn't a slave to corporate interests? How will you feel after you vote for John Kerry? Will you be proud? "Well, at least we'll get Bush out office". Sure, but the corporate power structure will still be there and nothing will be any different. Pat yourselves on the back, bold warriors for change. You'll sure teach 'em a lesson. Don't forget to pick up your check from Hailburton as you leave the voting both. We can still vote Bush out of office - if we all vote for Nader. Won't happen, you say. Why not? Because you've been told it won't happen? For a brief, shining moment, it seemed like Nader wouldn't need to run this time. The early lead taken by Howard Dean showed the promise that the Democrats might actually be moving back to the left. And you Democrats owe the 2000 Nader campaign for that. Fearing the loss of Nader voters, the party began to address real issues - like health care and the war. Then the Dems abandoned Howard Dean out of fear. Fear that he couldn't beat Bush. I don't vote out of fear. I vote out of hope. Until we all start voting out of hope, things will never get better. I vote for the best candidate and hope he wins. If John Kerry wants my vote, he knows what to do. Roll back the Bush tax cuts. Pull our troops out of Iraq and replace them with UN troops. Legalize same-sex marriage. Implement universal health care. In short, all the things that Nader has promised to do. All of the things the things that most of you reading this want a President to do. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:A maelstrom of evil is currently What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: mastizw - to flog If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 23, 2004 |
 Well, last night was the finally episode of HBO's Sex in the
Country. For those of you who've never seen the show, it revolves
around the lives of four working-class women who live in Gumberton PA
(about 30 miles East of Pittsburgh). If you didn't catch last night's
finale, here's what you missed:Karnie chose to settle down with "Mr. Big Trailer" - the surly "Gulf War Era Veteran" who chipped her tooth that time she was late with dinner. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Partly cloudy with a desperate What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: keireis - to shear If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 24, 2004 |
 So, Paul calls me last night and tells me that The Littlest Groom is
airing on the FOX Network (big surprise) and that I should check it out. I
watched about ten minutes of it before I switched back over to Countdown
with Keith Olbermann. Last night, Keith referred to Bill O'Reilly as
"Ted Baxter's evil twin".As for midget reality TV - maybe this is because I'm only 5' 1" - I just don't get it. I mean, considering the Sears catalogue of freaks out there, why settle for run-of-the-mill midgets? Wouldn't you rather watch The Flipper-Baby Groom or Flesh-Eating Virus Groom or Shark-Attack Groom. By the way, I've read that some midgets have been so upset by the show that the formed tiny picket lines outside of Fox Headquarters. They shouldn't have wasted their time. The show makes midgets look no worse than any other group that's appeared on FOX (Joe Millionaire set the women's movement back about 200 years). In fact, I bet a lot of viewers learned something that they didn't know about midgets - namely that some midget chicks are kinda hot. After Countdown (On which, Pat Buchanan stuck up for Ralph Nader - we are very near "The End Times", people) I caught a few minutes of my favorite TV train wreck - the Dennis Miller show. While O'Reilly (Perhaps due to his many mental shortcomings) is at least unintionally funny, Miller is just unintentional. In other words, it's like somebody gave him a show just to watch him fall flat on his face. Dennis had comedy legend Denny Hastert on as a quest. Here's an actual sample of the kind of crap that Dennis tries to pass off as comedy: "I asked my son if it was OK that I was passing the National Debt on to him. He said sure, because he was planning on passing it on to his son." Badda-bing! Jeebus, people, do you know what I do with the jokes of that quality that I write? I repackage 'em and sell 'em the black market in the Third World. Let's see what we can do with Dennis' "joke": "I asked my son if it was OK that I was passing the National Debt on to him. He said 'I'm not your son, you unfunny cocksucker, I'm that midget from FOX.'" Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:High winds tonight may cause the sound of a tapping, What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: to egkwmion - the victory-song If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 26, 2004 |
The following retraction appeared in the Editorial section of today's Philly Daily News...a full twenty-one days after the original letter appeared. An editor's note Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Warmer temperatures this weekend... Be sure to listen to Paul's show tomorrow and learn all about Israel's nuclear arsenal. No, his guest isn't Mel Gibson's dad. Speaking of Paul, you can - and will, damn it! - read his blogs here What To Rent has been posted. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: h mhxanh - the war machine If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
| Feb. 27, 2004 |
Dear Mrs. Marlier, I just finished reading an article in today's paper about the sudden death of your son, Jimmy, and I'd just like to take a moment to say "good". Sometimes, Mrs. Marlier, we can be to close to the forest to see the trees and I think that this was the case with you and your son. In the article, for example, you mentioned Jimmy's favorite team (The Chargers) and his favorite activity ("Sports" By the way, since "sports" can mean anything from nude sky-diving to spelunking I think you need to clarify this statement), and his favorite musician (not surprisingly, Eminem). You failed to mention his favorite book, which leads me to believe that he was the sort of worthless illiterate imbecile that our society seems to be churning out in droves. Yes, the above comment may seem a little harsh, but I'm trying to help you by keeping you from wasting valuable time (For, after all, didn't Franklin say that time is the stuff that life is made of?) mourning for someone whose immediate future only held a short stint in the military followed by six months of employment at the Jiffy Lube. I'm also hoping to impress upon you the futility of "replacing" Jimmy by begetting another child. By now it should be painfully clear to you that none of your offspring will ever paint a masterpiece, compose a poem (well, at least none that involve a man from Nantucket), or write (Hell, for that matter, read) The Great American Novel. In fact, had not Jimmy's life been cut thankfully short by that falling brick, I'm sure that we can all agree that his one "shining" moment would be when he walked away from some minimum-wage job muttering "Fuck them. Who are they to tell me that I can't listen to Stern at work?" So dry your eyes Mrs. Marlier and take solace in the fact that the herd has been culled. Edgar Allan Poe brings you today's weather:Oh, for a thunderstorm to drown HAPPY 70th BIRTHDAY, RALPH! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: komizw - to bring If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |