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Archive of Thoughtlessness - December '03 |
| Dec. 01 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Let's be honest about it, the Capitalist excesses of the Christmas season are enough to turn anybody into a hardcore Marxist. I am not looking forward to the next few weeks, folks. Long lines, pushy crowds and whiney brats. Yippee, let the good times roll. I don't know how those of you with kids manage to deal with it. If I had children (The ones I fathered in Mexico don't count), I'd be ending this paragraph with "Gotta go slit my wrists now". Oh, if you missed it, I wrote a review of Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents:  h alhqeia - the truth If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 02 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Philadelphia is the most notoriously camera-shy city in the world. None of us want to appear as extras and we sure as Hell don't want to have to maneuver around any production. Don't even think about rolling film here unless you're ready to make an Oscar-quality picture like Philadelphia, The Philadelphia Story, or Mannequin. Inconvenience us for anything less and we'll send your ass packing. That's why Rocky IV (Rocky vs. Billy the Kid) and Rocky V (Rocky on Monster Island) were filmed in the former Soviet Union and Guam, respectively. We just got sick of having to re-work our lives around Stalone's shooting schedules. Oh, and if we don't scare you off, the weather here will. Which brings us to Hack. While I've never actually seen an episode of Hack, I have heard that it's a spin-off from the popular 1980's series Taxi (Which was based on the movie Taxi Driver). The series was originally to star Andy Kaufman, but when he failed to show up for filming funnyman David Morse kindly stepped into the lead role. You probably remember David from his wacky portrayal of that Doctor who got raped on St. Elsewhere. * Anyway, Hack is supposed to be filming around the corner from where I live tomorrow. Although they may not. You see, we've been getting wet snow and high winds for the last two days. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would now like to make a prediction. Next season, Hack will feature a special three-part episode that will take place in LA.  * I know that I've mentioned this about a million times before, but I really miss the old Phil Donahue Show. Especially when Phil would have the entire cast of a TV shows on and pretend that he loved the show and never missed an episode. Phil could keep this charade up for about the first four minutes of the program. After that it became painfully obvious that Phil had no idea who the fuck these people were. "You play Dr. Rober...No, Dr. Jo...No, wait, YOU play Dr. Robert Yee! Lee?" Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: agaqoj - good If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 03 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I am about to completely debase myself - by writing about the weather. And yet it can't be helped. I've come to believe the main reason that the northeastern section of the United States has been dubbed insignificant isn't because we haven't put a man in the White House for forty years, but because our weather is so shitty. That's why I'm leaning towards voting for Howard Dean. Vermont has the shittiest weather in the country (Shit storms, complete with shitmen building and shitball fights are not uncommon there). Damn, Luther, anyone can govern a sun-belt state, but it takes a real man to lord over a frozen wasteland. Vermont is so cold (How cols is it?) that people are forced to huddle together indiscriminately, that's why same-sex unions are legal there - it's a matter of survival. It's a wonder that group marriage isn't the norm in the great white VT.  Hack on 7th street Rodney Has Chosen!The book of the month for December is...Sexual Personae (art and decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson) by Camille Paglia! What to Rent was posted last night and What to Do will be posted before midnight tonight.  Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: h skolh - leisure If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 04 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Dear Concerned Woman For America, I would like to take this opportunity to draw your attention towards a vile insult that is aimed at the children of our glorious country during this most joyous time of year. That insult goes by the name of "Frosty the Snowman" While most Americans are familiar with this "harmless" tale through the 1950 Gene Autry song and the 1969 Rankin/Bass animated television special, few of us have stopped to ponder the hidden messages within. Let's start by looking at the method by which Frosty is "brought to life": "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, For when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around..."Magic? Does not the Bible warn us against all forms of divination and witchcraft? And what of this "dancing around"? I don't think that our righteous Attorney General, John Ashcroft, would approve of that. It may even be possible that this "Capering about" may be an attempt to desensitize children to the Homosexual agenda. Incidentally, the idea of bringing an inanimate object to life was first put forth in the Jewish folktale of the Golem. Need I say more? "Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand..."A broomstick? Is not the broomstick often associated with witches, witchcraft, and the National Organization for Women? Why is it that so many have been unable to see the evidence before their eyes? "He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop, And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler 'Stop!'"This demonstrates a blatant disrespect for authority. While this might seem trivial at first, when placed into perspective with the other lyrics a pattern of ungodly behavior begins to emerge. "For Frosty the Snow Man had to hurry on his way, But he waved good-bye, sayin', "Don't you cry; I'll be back again someday."Here Frosty is clearly mocking our Savoir, Jesus Christ, whose return is due at any moment. I call upon all Christians in these United States to join me in a boycott of radio and television station that insist on perpetrating this clearly demonic story. Thank you, Lt. Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski Nice letter, Fongo. Hey, if any of you have something that you'd tlike to tell the Concerned Woman For America, you can email 'em (Just like Fongo did) at mail@cwfa.org Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: h kolakeia - flattery If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 05 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Snow. There's no way that I can see it and not think back to being a kid, waking up, looking out the window, seeing the ground covered in white, tuning in to WCOJ and waiting for three hours to hear if school had been closed or not. WCOJ is known as "The Voice of Chester County". It's the AM station that everybody had to listen to for school closing announcements. It was also (and still may be - I haven't listened in years) the home of the incredible afternoon call-in show "Phone Forum"* The head DJ (and, as far back as I can remember, the only DJ) at WCOJ was Art Douglas. Now Art and the station managers realized that snow meant that their ratings would jump up by about 15,000 %, so here's how they played the game: Art Douglas: It's schnowing in Chester County... Art always said "schnowing" because asshole must've told him it sounded cute. Christ, I hated Art Douglas. Art Douglas: ...and here are those school announcements ...3372...one hour late. We'll be back with more school closings right after these messages. At this point the entire listing audience would be subjected to a twenty minute block of commercials, featuring at least three ads for Bob Wargner's Quality Carpet Warehouse (Dear God, I sometimes wake up with the Bob Wagner jingle running through my head like a mad bull - Bob Wargner's Carpet Warehouse. Where quality speaks for itself - Bob Wagggggggner). Screw Bob Wagner and the carpet he flew in on. Art Douglas: OK, here are some more school announcements...1114 is closed. No. Wait. This just in...1114 will be opening one hour late. Repeat. 1114 is will be opening one hour late today. We'll be right back after this. Bob Wargner's Carpet Warehouse. Where quality speaks for itself - Bob Waggggggner Iiiieeeeaaaaa! It's been like thirty years and this still pisses me off. By the time Art got to my school it would be around 11:30 - at night. Eventually, everybody's parents just kept 'em home when it snowed. Which was ok with us kids. So, in a way, we owed Art a debt of gratitude. * Words often fail me when I attempt to describe the shear madness that was Phone Forum. Art Douglas, among his numerous other duties, was also the host of this nightmare. Despite occasional reading the news, Art never really followed current events - unless, of course, you define "current events" as how the Phillies were playing. As a teenager, I used to love to call into the show with fake news items just to hear Art bluff his way outta having to talk about them, even though he always said the same thing. Me: Hey, Art, how 'bout Russia invading the Bahamas yesterday? Art Douglas: You know, I saw something about that on the news last night right before I changed the channel to catch the Phillies. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: h luph - grief If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 06 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
To be sure, there were a lot strange people in my hometown, but one of the strangest had to be "The Rolling Stones Lady". In the early Seventies her daughter had been partying on a yacht with the Stones, fallen overboard and drown. Somehow "The Rolling Stones Lady" became convinced that foul play was involved (One look at Keith Richards and you can kind of understand why). Anyway, "The Rolling Stones Lady" started showing up outside my High School (all of the kids who smoked did their smoking directly across the street from the High School. I've never smoked, but I've always been attracted to the kind of women who do, so I was always hanging out with the smokers) telling her tale of woe to anyone who'd listen - AKA my friends and I. She'd approach us at least once a week (I guess either all teenagers looked alike to her or she figured that we were all high and had forgotten what she'd told us the week before) and ask "Do you like the Rolling Stones???" Since we never grew tired of the story, we'd answer with a hearty chorus of "Why, yes. We love the Rolling Stones." Then "The Rolling Stones Lady" would tell us all about how her daughter tragic encounter with Mick and the boys. We would we pretend to be shocked and promise never to listen to the Stones again and she'd walk away happy - for at least another week. I'm not really sure what eventually happened to her. One day she just stopped coming around. I latter heard a rumor that she'd "Badmouthed" the Stones to some Hessian and he'd gone ballistic on her - frightening her so much that she gave up on talking to teenagers altogether. Either that or Mick Jagger killed her. Hey, let's learn some Greek! Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: We'll have a short lesion this week. Learn these prepositions and next week we'll conjugate "to be". And maybe we'll have another episode of Rush Limbaugh Amongst The Ancient Greeks
If the above lesson looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 07 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
For a long time now, I've wanted to book Camille Paglia as a guest on Paul's show. The problem has been in contacting Dr. Paglia. You can't email her and she isn't in the phone book. My best bet has been to write a letter to one of the institutions of higher learning where she teaches: Dear Ms. Paglia, OK, this opens up another can of worms. Having to explain the whole "Anonymous" thing. There's no way around it. The minute Camille Paglia surfs over to paulkircher.com she's going to notice the Rodney Anonymous section and from there it's just a short jump over to this Bedlam. So there's a pretty good chance that my letter will end up in her trash can. On the other hand, Adrienne Mayor is serious academic and she's been cool about "The Anonymous problem" - as I now call it. You see, I want to interview serious authors and do pieces about giant colons. Add to that the fact that I like being known as Rodney Anonymous; even if it does carry a twenty minute explanation (You should've seen Sam Katz's face when Paul introduced me as Rodney Anonymous. I love that "WTF?" look.) Anyway, we'll see what happens. Let the countdown to Paglia begin. Since I'll be sending the letter tomorrow, today is DAY ZERO. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: anecetastoj - without enquiry If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 08 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I'm sure that this'll come as a surprise to no one, but I love conspiracy theories. My new favorite is that the US Government has both Hussein and bin Laden in custody and will execute them and display their bodies if Bush's approval rating drops below 45%. Jebuz, if I thought Bush was that smart, I'd vote for him. Michael Jackson should start spreading the rumor that the Government framed him in order to draw attention away from the war in Iraq.  Hey, folks, why not send some money to Planned Parenthood this week? Be sure to tell them to send the thank you card to: Michelle Malkin C/O The Philadelphia Daily News P.O. Box 7788 Philadelphia, PA 19101 Michelle'll be glad you did. Count Down (Up, Really) To Paglia 
Oh, What To Rent has been posted Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: ploutoj - wealth If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 10 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Dionysus be praised for web sites like Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly. The guy behind that site is a kindred spirit who has no idea how much work he's saving me (I was also going to pick apart O'Reilly's column every day, but that guy does it much better than I ever could.). I'm so sick of arguing with misguided (and just plain stupid) conservatives, that I'm stating to miss the days when I use to argue with misguided (and just plain stupid) liberals. The liberals at least pretended to have read some books to back their claims up with. Whenever I challenge a conservative on where they obtained their "facts" all I tend to get back are a blank stare and an open mouth. It's getting to the point where I'm ending every argument with "Look, if you're not willing to turn a few pages in order to back up your moronic opinions, then shut the fuck up and go watch hockey." Hey, I work for a living but I still find the time to back what I say (no matter how stupid) up with a fact or two. Is that too much to ask of others? 
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: polufilos - having many friends If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 11 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but I used to be the "singer" for a band called The Dead Milkmen. Anyway, our former drummer, Dean, is posting his tour diary in blog form on this new-fangled internet thingy. I, for one, find it extremely helpful because, due to alcoholic blackouts, I have almost no memory of the years 1986 through 1989. So it's nice to know where I was and what I was doing on a particular date. The Concerned Women for America are back with a Save The Commandments petition.Whatever you do, DO NOT download this petition, fill it out with names like "Ben Dover" and "C. Howitt Feelz", and then send it to: Concerned Women for America ATTN: Commandments Petition 1015 15th St. N.W., Suite 1100 Washington, D.C. 20005 Because that would be wrong. By the way, if you look carefully at the supporters listed on the petition you'll notice, among the usual suspects, one Donna Rice Hughes, whom you might better remember as Donna "Monkey Business" Rice - Gary Hart's old girlfriend.  
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: aqanatos - immortal If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 12 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Long time reader; first time caller Dean C. writes: "Was talking to my father and he's a fan of your site. He had a topic for you - the Electoral college? How come the ratio of population to votes is all outta whack? California is like 600K to one and Wyoming is like 200K to one... First let me point out that if I'd know that people's Dads were reading this site (My Dad would read this stuff if you paid him - and I've offered to.), I would've cleaned (No pun intended, Dean) up my language a long time ago. Secondly, let me just say that I agree with the principle behind the Electoral College, which is that, the masses can't be trusted to govern themselves. One of the prevailing flaws of Liberalism is to see the masses of workers as noble savages, when - in fact - they're just savages. Does this make me an elitist? No, it makes me a realist. Poor Ralph Nader has spent his life trying to make life better for the masses of workers and how did they repay him? They voted for a mildly retarded man who reminded them of Forrest Gump. The rest of them voted for a seriously retarded man from Texas. If the Electoral College had been doing its job, it would've handed the Presidency to Ralph Nader and exiled Gore and Bush to a small island in the Aleutians. Still don't believe me that the masses are unfit to govern themselves. Well he's a little news item: An ad for "Party City" was supposed to highlight a sale on Hanukkah items, but it also contained a hateful anti-Semitic message. The advertisement includes the sentence "CC Hates the Jews" in large, bold letters. That's right, not one person in the entire company noticed the words "CC Hates the Jews" in large, bold letters. Either that or they saw it and, being from Pittsburgh, thought "Well, shucks, who don't?" And you want these people to be allowed to pick the leader of the Free World? Hell, if nothing else, we need more Electoral Colleges. Each state should have one (If not each city, or Skate Park). Do you think that serial groper Arnold Schwarzenegger would be governing the world's fifth largest economy if California had a proper Electoral Collage?  Dean's point about the problem of the Elector College votes being based on state population is well taken. Electoral College votes should be based on the average IQ's of each state's residents. The higher the state's average IQ, the more Electoral votes it gets. DO you think that Mississippi would still spend less than another other state on public education if it affected the state's electoral votes. Well...probably yes. Why IQ? Well, the electoral votes need to be tied to something, and population - as Dean points out - ain't cuttin' it. Once again, I can be accused of being an elitist. However, by proposing this new system, I'm making a noble sacrifice, since under it; my home state of Pennsylvania (The average IQ of which has been greatly reduced by the residency of one Rick Santorum) would have negative electoral votes. And before some pinhead sends me a letter claiming that IQ tests are racist (I'm looking in your direction Mr. "Freedom Ali"), I'd like to point out that the Tuskegee Airmen possessed the highest average IQ of any U.S. Military corps and that Jews of Eastern European descent tend to score higher on IQ tests than any other group. Hey, C.C., you Jew-hating piece of shit, whadda you think of that? Dean S. (Not the same person as the Dean C/S above) writes: OK so I'm a loser for missing the Buzzcocks last weekend. I don't want to repeat that this weekend. Tell me what to do! And don't say 'Go to hell'. I've heard that one far too many times for it to be funny anymore... Go to Hell! Just kidding. What To Do has been posted. 
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: Ioudaioj - Jew If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
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| Dec. 13 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I had a great time interviewing Adrienne Mayor, Author of Greek Fire, Poison Arrows, and Scorpion Bombs, for Paul's show today. I'll be editing it tonight so it should be on the air and on the web soon: Let's learn some Greek. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: This week we'll conjugate the verb "to be" in the present indicative and infinitive:
And now... it's time for another installment of...  Our story so far: A freak electrical storm at the Fox News headquarters has catapulted Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly back through time to ancient Greece. Foolishly they split up. O'Reilly is captured by Spartans and brutally sodomized before being sold into slavery. Rush is also captured, but by Athenians who display him, as a curiosity, in the agora. While walking in the agora, Plato spots Rush and, believing that Rush has the head (h kefalh) of a pig, suspects that Rush is the victim of gohteia Tonight's episode: Would You Like Fries With That? (o Platwn sfoda qaumazei kai tw Rush Limbw legei: w cene, ara anqrwpoj ei h zwon; (o Rush Limboj ou legei ouden, wste Platwn proj thn oikain badizei. onar (o Dionusoj tw Platw legei oti dei meglan onon agorazein. ama th hmera, (o Platwn ton Canqippon proj thn agorhn pempei ton Rush Limbon agorazei [If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.] Do you have any idea what the Hell is going on here? If so, email me. By the way, the Team Dionysus and LWTP shirts have been redesigned (Damn, I wouldn't mind owning one of those, myself) and you can now by Dionysus coasters! (Why not order 10,000 and redo your bathroom?). Prices have been dramatically slashed on all items - execpt the hats, which were a bargin to begin with. 
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| Dec. 14 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Despite the snow, I made it to this store this morning to pick up the Sunday paper. I should've stayed in bed. The guy in line in front of me was also buying the Sunday paper, but he was disappointed because the paper "was printed before they caught that guy that blew up the World Trade Center." "No, they didn't catch 'guy that blew up the World Trade Center.'" "Oh, yes they did. They caught him around three o'clock this morning." "No, they caught Saddam Hussein. Osama bin Laden was behind the attacks on the World Trade Center." "They was in it together…" "No, they weren't" It then takes me ten minutes to explain the differences between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. They guy hangs on my ever word. He's never been told this. "Well. I'm glad they caught him anyway," the guy finally says. "So am I." "Cause I don't want him blowing up any more buildings." 
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: (o sumposion - drinking party If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 15 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
We made him... According to Said Aburish, author of A Brutal Friendship: The West and the Arab Elite the CIA not only closely controlled the planning stages of overthrow of president Abdul Karim Kassim on February 8, 1963, but also how it played a central role in the subsequent purge of suspected leftists after the coup. We kept him in power... Using its allies in the Middle East, Washington funneled huge supplies of arms to Iraq. Classified State Department cables uncovered by Douglas Frantz and Murray Waas described covert transfers of howitzers, helicopters, bombs and other weapons to Baghdad in 1982-83 from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Kuwait. Now you want me to piss my pants with joy because he's been captured? Sources http://www.muslimedia.com/archives/features98/saddam.htm http://www.scoop.co.nz/mason/stories/HL0208/S00158.htm 
Much respect going out to Brotha t.bag in Krautland. He correctly translated the latest installment of Rush Limbaugh amongst the Ancient Greeks… Plato is very surprised and says to Rush Limbaugh: "Stranger, are you a human being or an animal?" Rush Limbaugh doesn't say anything, so Plato goes home. In a dream Dionysos says to Plato that he must buy a big ass (?). So the next day Plato sends Xanthippe to the market to buy Rush Limbaugh. Jeebuz, I thought big ass would've been a dead give away. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: xrhzw - need, desire If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 16 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Is your child disruptive in the classroom? Does he or she have trouble paying attention? Your child might have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but have you considered that you might actually be the parent of an Indigo Child? Or to put it another way - there are people who think that their kids are from outer space. WTF am I talking about? Well, according to the book The Indigo Children by Lee Carroll and his wife Jan Tober (Oh, and lets not forget Kryon, the channeled entity who helped them write the book) many children who've been diagnosed with ADD are, in fact, aliens (and I don't mean Mexicans). How did they come to this conclusion and how are parents of these alien kids getting along? I invite you to read on. I have to stop now because my head hurts. The comedy starts here More comedy here And here's the tragedy. (You'll wanna read this, trust me.) 
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: limnh - swamp, marsh, pond If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 17 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I'm too wiped out by the beginnings of a cold and the news that Strom Thurmond had "Jungle Fever" to get any real writing done today. You'll have to make do with What to Rent and What to Do, both of which have been posted. Actually, I'm too toasted to post What To Do, so I'll just tell you what to do on Friday. Go see Father Bingo at Parkway Lounge on 20th and Arch Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: apotrexw - run away If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 18 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
 Obviously, the letter below is a few months old, but I just found out about
it today. Charlie Daniels' comments are in Italics; mine are in bold.An Open Letter To The Hollywood Bunch First of all, I'd like to thank Mr. Daniels for taking time away from his busy schedule of judging Hog Calling Contests at County Fairs throughout the South to write a letter to a group of people who have never heard of him. After all, it's highly unlikely that Leo DiCaprio was sitting poolside, on the morning that Charlie penned this, thinking, "Gee, I wonder what Charlie Daniels thinks I should be doing with my life?" Why you bunch of pitiful, hypocritical, idiotic, spoiled mugwumps. get your head out of the sand and smell the Trade Towers burning... Now, now, Mr. Daniels, there's no need to be nasty. No matter how insignificant I might feel your opinions to be, I'd never refer to you as a "Closeted transvestite who can only achieve an erection by drinking from the toilet" because that's not how you go about winning an argument. Arguments are won with facts. By the way, what the fuck does Saddam Hussein have to do with the World Trade Center bombings, you closeted transvestite who can only achieve an erection by drinking from the toilet? Do you think that a trip to Iraq by Sean Penn did anything but encourage a wanton murderer to think that the people of the U.S.A. didn't have the nerve or the guts to fight him? While I might agree that Mr. Penn's actions were not the best advised, I still find them less moronic than your letter, pig fucker. Also, while I may dislike Barbra Streisand even more vehemently than you do, I should advise you that it may not be a good idea for you to mention George Bush 2.0 and Michael Jackson in the same sentence. It could start people questioning the parenting skills of both. You can, however, be forgiven for this because the outhouse that you were composing your letter in no doubt featured insufficient lighting, so a quick proof reading session was out of the question. You people need to get out of Hollywood once in a while and get out into the real world. You'd be surprised at the hostility you would find out here. Stop in at a truck stop and tell an overworked, long distance truck driver that you don't think Saddam Hussein is doing anything wrong. Tell a farmer with a couple of sons in the military that you think the United States has no right to defend itself. Mr. Daniels, I realize that many actors my not be as well traveled as you are (After all, you must spend almost the entire month of June travelling from one Ivy League University to another delivering commencement speeches), but I can't quite understand why you would think that truckers and farmers would have a deeper understanding of foreign policy than, let's say, actors...or, for that matter, obese, fiddle playing, inbred retards. I hate to make generalizations about the good folks of Baxley, but I'm fairly certain that these illiterate cretins would also be opposed to a civil rights march, the teaching of evolution, or the dissemination of information promoting proper dental hygiene. You people are some of the most disgusting examples of a waste of protoplasm I've ever had the displeasure to hear about. Sean Penn, you're a traitor to the United States of America. You gave aid and comfort to the enemy. How many American lives will your little, "fact finding trip" to Iraq cost? You encouraged Saddam to think that we didn't have the stomach for war. >Again with the name-calling? Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the shack this morning. " Won't lift a finger to save the life of an unborn baby" So, would you feel better if the cast of "Friends" spent their free time bombing abortion clinics, you sad, sad sack of shit? Well I'm going to exercise some freedom of choice of my own. If I see any of your names on a marquee, I'm going to boycott the movie. I will completely stop going to movies if I have to. In most cases it certainly wouldn't be much of a loss...Mr. Daniels, I can't believe that a huge (and by that I mean "fat") Virginia Woolf fan, such as yourself, would pass up seeing "The Hours" just because you disagree with politics of a few of the movie's stars. After all, how would you like it if PETA announced a boycott of your CD's (and numerous eight-tracks) just because they suspected you of "Barnyard Shenanigans"? You scoff at our military whose boots you're not even worthy to shine. They go to battle and risk their lives so ingrates like you can live in luxury. Oh, I see, trying to prevent our fine military personnel from getting killed in a meaningless war that does nothing to increase our security at home is being disrespectful to them. Jesus, Charlie, if I've told you once, I've you a thousand time - Inflatable Debbie now comes with "Pulsating Features". That means that you have to keep your tongue away from the battery. All the electricity is bad for you brain. The day of reckoning is coming when you will be faced with the undeniable truth that the war against Saddam Hussein is the war on terrorism. Wow, Charlie, I had no idea that you were privileged to information that has eluded the CIA. Please feel free to share your proof of a link between Saddam Hussein an al Queda with the rest of the world. Either that or shut your grits-hole. Oh, so being against to the war is the same thing as being against America. Charlie, I consider you a dear friend (despite your closeted-transvestite-toilet-water-drinking ways), but if you EVER question my patriotism again I will kick your fat untalented ass until you cry like the little bitch that we all know you are. Got that? I think we all know where you stand. I know where I stand, Charlie. I stand in your backyard - a flag in one hand and my penis in the other. Waving both, proudly, at your wife and daughters. What do you think? I think that you have a pink triangle tattooed on your ass. God Bless America Dionysus Bless The World Rodney Anonymous Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: akinetoj - motionless If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 19 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
I picked up the Mother of all Colds a few days ago, so I'll be missing both the Father Bingo show and Secret Cinema tonight. Why do I only get sick when something cool is happening? Jeebus, that last sentence could've come straight outta a fifteen-year-old girl's diary. If you're bored, you can read this. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: ouden - nothing If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 20 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
  
Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: anecios - unworthy If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 21 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Hey kids, so you've gotten off drugs, but now you've got dozen of unused bongs and crack pipes littering up your room. What to do? Why not take up Alchemy? That's right; you can put your old drug paraphernalia to good use attempting to turn base metals into gold. Go from Sing Sing to Bling Bling by unlocking the secrets of warty guys from the Middle Ages. Alchemy…it's no sillier than Creationism.  Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: aneu - without If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 22 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Hey, kids, have any of you read "Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Murder and Television" by Faux News mannequin, Bill O'Reilly? No? Well that makes millions of us. Anyway, I thought we could all have a little holiday fun together, this year, by sending Fongo's letter, below, to various right-wing organizations. I call dibs on CWA and Faux News! Don't forget to include Please, Mel Gibson, think of the children. Don't film "Those Who Trespass" in the subject line. Please, Mel Gibson, think of the children. Don't film "Those Who Trespass". Dear _________; I am writing you on a matter that, I feel should be a great concern to all Americans. Earlier this week I was shocked to learn, as I'm sure you will also be, that Oscar winning actor Mel Gibson - who has just completed an excellent film about our Savior, Jesus Christ, has purchased the film rights to a filthy novel entitled "Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Murder and Television" This tawdry "book" was written by a former tabloid television show host and contains such abysmal filth as the following passage (Please note that the following passage is NOT to be read by children and is only reprinted here to illustrate the depravity of this "novel"): "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly." As I mentioned above, Mr. Gibson has just completed a Biblical epic that has garnered great praise from many religious leaders. It's my overwhelming fear that good Christians - knowing of Mr. Gibson's wonderful Biblical film - may be "suckered" into viewing the disgusting "Those Who Trespass". That's why I'm calling on Americans from all walks of life to contact Mr. Gibson and say "Please, think of the children. Don't film 'Those Who Trespass'" God Bless America and God bless our President! Jerry Fongowski Jerry_Fongowski_2@hotmail.com Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: nomizw - think, consider If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 23 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Damn, Christmas seemed to completely sneak up on me this year. I haven't had time to bake gingerbread, listen to my favorite Christmas CD (The Bells of Dublin) or watch my favorite Christmas Special (A Blackadder Christmas Carol). But I have picked out a Christmas Move for this week. I'm taking two days off, by the way. I'll be back on Friday.  Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: aparaithtos - unmoved by prayer, pitiless If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. | ||||||||||||||||||
| Dec. 31 2003 | ||||||||||||||||||
Big Fuckin' Surprise Number One: Man Mauled by Tiger. Despite the Supreme Courts overturning of Texas' anti-sodomy laws and the Mass. Supreme Court's (like the regular Supreme Court, but without the colored fella) ruling in favor of same-sex marriage, not all homosexuals were batting 1000 in 2003. Case-in-point, Roy (no last name - just "Roy") - the slightly-less-creepy half of Sigfried and Roy - who became human meow mix earlier this year. Folks, if there's one thing that I've learned from a lifetime spent around cats is that the two most mismatched words that ever hooked up are "nice kitty". If you own a cat, you should always be ware of the fact that your cat wants to kill you. If you don't own a cat, you should always be ware of the fact that your neighbor's cat wants to kill you. The only thing that's keeping "Mr. Whiskers" from ripping you apart right now is the fact that he only weighs six pounds and depends on you to supply him with food and change his litter. That's why our ancestors bred cats to be small and lazy. It was a smart move on their part. They could've tried to breed cats to be small, lazy, and friendly, but they knew that would never work, so they settled for best-two-out-of-three. They did the same thing to sea-monkeys, by the way.  Who knows, maybe if Roy had stuck with domestic cats he's still have a top to his head today? Unfortunately for Roy he chose a career path that involved taking magnificent wild beasts and forcing them to dance to "Copa Cabaña" while tourists look on in drunken awe. Imagine for a minute what life must've been like for the tiger that attacked Roy. One day you're prowling the frozen tundra of Siberia - master of all you survey, top of the food chain, killing machine. They one day a dart hits you in the ass and you wake up in Vegas with your balls snipped off. Every night for next ten years you're forced to roller-skate around a stage while two men with German accents bullshit an audience of zombies into believing that tigers love to roller-skate and often do so in the wild. So, you see, what's not surprising is that the tiger attacked Roy; what's surprising is that it took so long. Roy, for his part, gets the RATYHTL "Entertainer of the Year" Award for being one of the few performers who actually gave us what we've always wanted to see (Trust me - I've viewed the footage over-and-over again on the internet). People watch NASCAR hoping to see fiery accidents, they watch ice skating hoping to see someone fall flat on their ass, they watch the Olsen twins hoping to see spontaneous human combustion, and they watch animal acts hoping to see trainers get bitten. Why? Because it provides us human beings with reassurance that there's still some order left in the Universe. In other words, do something stupid enough times - like stick your head in a tiger's mouth or use an ATM machine after 9 pm - and the odds will catch up with you. Ms. Jennifer Fitzgerald Presents: drasthrios - active If the above word looks like ippojshit to you, then you need to go here and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude. |
According to ADVO, the company that printed the advertisement, a graphic
artist working on the ad had left his desk for a moment, and a co-worker
with the initials C.C. changed the text on the ad.
The graphic artist didn't notice the change and the ad went to print.