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Archive of Thoughtlessness - August '03 |
| 08/01/2003 |
I've never actually seen HBO's Project Greenlight, so it would be unfair of me to say "HBO's shitty series, Project Greenlight is now in its second shitty season," However, since the show involves Ben Affleck and Matt Damon helping independent filmmakers to realize their (shitty) dreams, I think I'm on pretty firm ground. After all, Stolen Summer, the "film" that Progect Greenlight helped bring to the silver screen (For about ten minutes, then it was straight to video), was universally panned by critics. What we need, folks, is Project Redlight. Project Redlight would basically be a bunch of people who have the power to stop bad films (like Stolen Summer) from getting made. We all know S.W.A.T. is gonna S.U.C.K., if only it could've been stopped before the studio wasted money on it (money that could've been spent on a good movie). How many millions were flushed on Bad Boys II? Somebody needs to step up and say "Never again" before the ink is dry on the deal to make Bad Boys III. Life with the Poor #16 is in the hizzouse.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: potamos - river. Learn it. Use it. Damn it. |
| 08/02/2003 |
  The ancient Greek word of the day is: ptawchos - beggar. Learn it. Use it. But it won't bring Bob Hope back. |
| 08/03/2003 |
When to see 28 Days later last night and thought it was a pretty good film. Unfortunately, we went to see it a the Riverview on a Saturday night. If aliens ever land, we all better hope they don't land a t the Riverview during the weekend, because if they thought the collections of morons there were representative of humanity they'd beat it back to their home planet and push that big red button marked "Destroy Earth." About twenty minutes into the film a pair of geniuses walked out, but not before announcing that "This movie sucks and you all be stupid for watching it." Nice conjugation of the verb "to be", professor. The couple to the left of me and the couple behind me didn't fair much better. Both couples talked through the entire film. Mostly they talked about how confused they were. "Maybe them people's robots" being the highlight of their conversation. If you go to see 28 Days Later and can find any robots in the movie, I'll pay for your Goddamn ticket. Early the movie, the main character turns a post card over to read the other side. Well the 10 words on the back of that postcard might as well have been James Joyce's Ulysses as far as those two couple were concerned. "What that say?" "I dunno, it take me all day to read that". At first this made me kind of sad, but then I thought "Fuck 'em. This isn't the wilds of Borneo, go find an adult literacy program." Seriously, if I see a guy with a mouth full of rotting teeth, I don't think "What a shame that society has kept him away from a toothbrush." No, I think "Hey, Johnny Rotten, get your ass to a dentist."  The ancient Greek word of the day is: sphazdaw - slaughter. Learn it. Use it. Use it again. |
| 08/04/2003 |
Vienna and I, along with our friends, Rebecca, Melody, and Bill, went to a huge flea market in Jersey yesterday (and, of course, I forgot to bring my camera.). Melody wore a homemade t-shirt that read "Bush out of the USA". I was sure that she was gonna get killed (I walked about 10 feet behind her for the first 20 minutes that we were there, just in case some yahoo gave her grief), but the flea market crowd was actually pretty supportive of her shirt. Weird. Just when you think you've got rednecks figured out? Have you seen this? No wonder the audience at 28 Days Later was full of illiterates. TV Alert! Don't miss The Spartans on PBS this Wed. night.  The ancient Greek word (name) of the day is: Gylippus - Gylippus was a Spartan general. Learn it. Use it. Hold a pass with 300 of your closest friends. |
| 08/05/2003 |
Long time listener - first time call, Adam asks "Have you ever gotten around to explaining why Aimee Mann is your Arch-Nemesis? I'm certain that I'm not the only one who would like to hear about it. Whatever the story is, it's sure to be more compelling and engaging than, say, Ang Lee's HULK." Well, Adam, it all started about ten years ago was I was invited to attend the same BBQ as Ms. Mann. In fact, I remember it like it was yesterday?. Oh, wait. You can't flashback in print. Damn. Anyway, I was at this BBQ with Aimee Mann when she picked up one of my tin whistles and turned to Joe and said "Oh, Joe, you play the tin whistle. Why don't you play something?" When Joe pointed out that it was my tin whistle, Aimee dropped it like she'd just been told that it was one of my used condoms. Well, OK, I used to "get around" a lot, back in the day, so I could see someone being a tad apprehensive about touching something that had been in my mouth. I let it slide.  A few months later, Aimee was playing a gig at the Philly zoo. I loaned her
keyboard player my keyboards (Phun Philly Phact: D below middle C will make
an elephant go ape-shit). Her keyboard player thanked me but she didn't. I
let it slide.About a year ago, I was reading a Salon.com piece about file-swapping and Aimee was sounding off about how terrible it was, and how she might have to tour more often, whine, whine, whine, cry, cry, etc., etc. I snapped. At the time she only had one song that her pointy-headed fans were downloading. A crappy song, from the crappy soundtrack of the crappy movie "Magnolia". How dare she complain? You want people to fork over eighteen bucks just to hear your one song. Screw you. Not get paid enough? I didn't realize that music was supposed to be about money. Silly goddamn me. And You see, rather they know it or not, everybody is either a super-hero or a super-villain and all of us have a specific set of super-powers. My super-powers include being able to fall asleep anywhere and the ability to make a "funny" high pitched sound when I vomit. Each of us, also, has an Archenemy. My friend George's Archenemy, for example, is the guy at the coffee shop who always fucks up his order. I hope this clears things up, Adam.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: Bawmos - alter. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/06/2003 |
There have been a lot a strange omens lately. PBS is airing "The Spartans" tonight (yea!), Darryl Worley's Message Board is back up (Huh?), and Jill Kelly's tour bus is parked across the street from Saints Peter and Paul's church?  But what does it all mean? While I'm god at spotting omens, I need to do a little work in the reading omens department. That's why, during my lunch hour, I rode my bike out to the statue of Dionysus and made a sacrifice. Since virgins are in short supply (I'm sorry, but federal law mandates that I make that tired, old joke.), I left the God of flutes and drums a bag of delicious Brachmann's potato(e) chips. I'll let you know if He sends me any dreams tonight.  Oh, in case you haven't heard, I finally go around to posting the review of T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland. Tomorrow night I'll announce August's book of the month.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: esti - it is possible; there is. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/07/2003 |
Yesterday, if you'll remember, I made a sacrifice of a bag of chips to Dionysus. Last night I dreamed of a secret tunnel that led from the baseball diamond, across the street from the Art museum, to the statue of Dionysus. Skipping over any Freudian analysis of this dream, I was just as clueless as I was before. (Notice: If you do a google search on "Dionysus, baseball", you'll find crazy web sites o' plenty ? example: http://www.dionysus.org/x1102.html). Yes, there is the Eypalinion Tunnel on Samos, and, of course, Dionysus taught the Samians how to make wine as a reward for helping him defeat the Amazons, but I don't think that has anything to do with my dream. Thinking that the God of the vine might enjoy healthier food and fine literature, I rode out today and made a sacrifice of a granola bar and a Dionysus pamphlet. [Photo unavailable due to untimely death of camera batteries]. Dream report tomorrow.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: leyemos - hunger, famine. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/08/2003 |
Well, I think I understand what Dionysus was trying to tell me in a dream on Wednesday night - create the Dungeons and Darryls game. And that's just what I did (I enjoyed playing online with many of you, today). I'll be adding game duration and prize info to the Official Rules tonight. I think he may also be telling me to "Remake" each of the 16 songs on Darryl's "Have You Forgotten" cd. "I Will Hold My Ground" is the next one on the list. It's a pretty big order from the God of the Vine (And Hollywood and Vine), so I'd better get started tonight.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: dacnaw - bite; worry. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/10/2003 |
Sorry about the lack of Thoughtlessness yesterday, but I was busy working on another tribute to Darryl Worley - I Will Hold My Ground. I'm not too thrilled with the end results, but after 48 hours without sleep, I was happy to wrap the whole thing up. Next, from the Have You Forgotten? CD will be POW 069. I woke up this afternoon and found this in my Sunday paper:  That's right, her T-shirt says "Punk Rock Girl". I rode in a van for a decade for this kind of crap?  The ancient Greek word of the day is: odynayros - painful. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/11/2003 |
A friend of mine sent me an email asking for my learned opinion on "Flash Mobs". In case you haven't heard, Flash Mobs is a type of performance art that's big in New York. Basically, somebody sends an email around to two or three hundreds faux-artist idiots saying something like "We'll all meet in the pets section of Macy's on Friday at 12:30 and ask for a llama." Ten minutes after the crowd gathers, it disperses. Folks, if ever there were a reason not to something, "Because people in New York are doing it" is that reason. What do these people do after they've accomplished their mission? Pat each other on the back and say "Did you see the look on that salesgirl's face when we all asked for chocolate. That'll teach her to work for a living." There's only one reason that this fad exists is so the guy who thought this up can go on TV and talk about how he thought it up and what a great artist he is. In other words ?- so he can get laid. Look, buddy, if you're hurting that bad, I'll chip in for some Rufies, but there's no way in Hell/New York City that I'm gonna gather with 150 sheep so that you can get on Larry King Live. You'd think that the Jews who run the Big Apple would put a stop to this nonsense, but noooooooooooo. Shit, Luther, on any given Saturday night, hundreds of teenagers spontaneously descend on South Street. Do we call it "Performance Art"? No, we call it "Assholery." You want art? Here's what you do, send out an email to 200 of these Flash Mob morons telling them to gather somewhere along MLK Blvd. In Harlem at 2:00 am and "Ask a Negro if they know Michael Jackson." Not only would that stunt rid the world of a bunch of bullshit artists, but also it would provide the brothers and sisters hours of amusement. And, hey, don't we owe them at least that much?  The ancient Greek word of the day is: phoros - tribute. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/13/2003 |
As the Fates would have it, the Blaster Worm virus struck on the same day the power in most of Philly (including my neighborhood) went down for about twelve hours (16 straight days of rain flooded one of the many underground tunnels that honeycomb the city. Occasionally, the street above one of these tunnels will open up spilling some unlucky guy - usually named "Dutch" - headfirst into the chasm). So, I had to wait until after 8 pm to begin the virus eradication process (Which included a two-hour download from the Microsoft Site). Still, I did much better than our old friend, xcoastie, who shared his grief on that Algonquin Round-Table that we call Darryl Worley's Message Board: Just to let everyone know, My home computer was hit by the new Virus/Worm that everyone is talking about yesterday and it wiped out EVERYTHING. The computer was brand new. That's right folks, when confronted with a virus, imediatley format your C Drive. This is especially advisable for those of you who never back anything up to your zip drive. Sure, some people might say that the best way to deal with this problem would be to run your anti-viral software, delete any infected files, remove any offending registry entries, enable your firewall, and download the patch. But, remember, xcoastie lists "computers" as one of his hobbies in his DWMB profile, so he must know what he's doing.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: eyedaws - sense of shame. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/14/2003 |
Well, it's that time of month again…um, by that I mean it's the time of the month when my friend (and former Makin' It cast member), Doc, updates us on his love life - or lack thereof. Take it away, Doc… 'I once had a girl,or should I say she once had me' Yep, Ol' John sure knew what he was talkin' about in those days before Heroin and Yoko took their toll. Here was a guy on top of his game and then, WHAMM!! He's a househusband baking organic breads and putting out crap like Double Fantasy. No wonder Mark David Chapman performed his act of mercy however misguided. Hell, if it continued even George and Ringo might've been tempted to double-team him too.F#ck whatever Paul thinks... Well this year I too got had...real good. In the way that Yoko and a Coney Island three card monte hustler would both give the thumbs up to.  My Yoko has been known to describe herself as 'wry witty
urbane and pleasantly overeducated.' All true, but this petite demure and
crafty( just some of my more printable descriptions...) managed to have me calling
a guy in South Philly to see if an engagement ring might've fallen off a
truck , to curled up in a fetal position praying for death or prozac; whichever
first.All within the space of three months!!! Yoko woulda been proud. Shucks, we've all been there!! Well most of us...Hmmm some of us? At least I got the guts to admit she kicked my ass ya wimps!!! During a brief out break of mutual sanity, we agreed not to see each other till around Labour day while I got my cliched shit together. Fair enuff! So I thought. Well wouldn't ya know it, a few week ago,SHE walks back into my life smiles at me; uses that wonderful wit on me... do I tell her, " IT'S NOT LABOUR DAY YET AND MY POOPIE IS NOT JUST TOGETHER YET! SO PLEASE LEAVE!" Nope,we go out to dinner -at a place we used to go to- and agree: things are different now and that we should be friends for now. I believe her, I have to just like a billion other guys before me. I want to believe her this time just like the Jews at Dachau wanted to believe the sign over the gates that promised they would be free if they worked hard while the could smell the bodies burning; like the chump at a time-share presentation that he is under "no obligation";or the drooler who gets that letter from ED McMahon. Why? Because I want to. Because I have to. If a guy like John Lennon didn't have a chance/choice in his fate.What friggin' prayer do I have? Once again, I go to her, like a Greek sailor of yore to the sirens' call...BUT HEY!!! THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME-WE BOTH SAID IT WOULD BE.( my shrink and bookie are both betting on her...) What the point of all this? I'll tell ya later,right now we're making plans for the weekend...  The ancient Greek word of the day is: ooketi - no longer. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/15/2003 |
I had no idea that Advanced Dungeons and Darryls was going to be such a huge success. I'm hoping to spend this weekend updating the rules, putting together the Moron Manual, and tallying the scores (I'd like to post updated scores at lease once a week.). I'm hoping to have a huge Worley section together by Sunday night. Wish me luck. In other news, the power went out here, in Philly, for about 12 hours the other day. Did we make a big deal out of it? Of course not. Yesterday, a few lights go out in New York City and everybody acts like it's the end of the world. New York is the Drama Queen of cities.  The ancient Greek word of the day (an' it' a good one) is: oonay - bed; marriage; sex. Learn it. Use it. (I get the feeling you will) |
| 08/16/2003 |
I'll be making major updates to the site night and over the next couple of days. Anonymous Premium members (Those of you who paid the $226 one year membership fee) will notice the changes as soon as you come down off the acid. The rest of you cheapskates will notice the changes gradually (as not to panic you).  The ancient Greek word of the day is: triayrays - trireme. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/17/2003 |
Suffering from a mild "half-a-glass-too-many" hangover. This is actually worse than a "full-out-head-splitting" hangover. Why? Because when I have a "full-out-head-splitting" hangover I stay in bed all day and get some sleep. With a "half-a-glass-too-many" hangover I feel well enough to get up and attempt to get some stuff done even though everything I touch, when I'm in this condition, turns to crap. How did I get this way?  Vienna and I stayed up all night drinking wine and watching tapes of Live Aid that she bought at a yard sale for two dollars. I missed the original Live Aid, by the way, because I had a "full-out-head-splitting" hangover. I'll tell you that story tomorrow. Anyway, one of the saddest things about Live Aid (And there where a lot of sad things. Two appearances by Phil Collins, for example, is two too many) is that all of the bands got to play three or four songs, except for the Thompson Twins. The Thompson Twins only got to play two songs (Hold Me Now and a cover of The Monkees' Revolution - on which Madonna sang back up). Folks, the Thompson Twins deserved better than that. Power Station got to play three songs for Christ's sake and they sucked. Look, I know that this happened almost twenty years ago, but it's a wrong that still needs to be rectified. Write your Congresspig and demand that the Thompson Twins be allowed to play at least one more song.P.S. The Fifth Wheel rules! I love that show.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: epegayraw - awaken; rouse up. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/18/2003 |
I emailed today's thoughtless to myself around 4pm and it still hasn't shown up. If anybody finds it please return it to me.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: ktaysis - possesion. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/19/2003 |
Hey, here's what was supposed to be yesterday's Thoughtless. It got lost in the mail. Yeah, I know that I could've just retyped it, but I was too tired. Why was I too tired? I'll tell you tomorrow: The night before Live Aid, the Milkmen planned Madison Wisconsin. After the show, we cruised the streets, with our friend, Becky from Philly and a bunch of her friends, looking for a party. We found one. A bunch of young Republican types wanted us to pay 5 bucks each to drink from a keg in their kitchen. I don't know if you're familiar with this scam, so I'll tell you how it works. A bunch of jocks charge a bunch of punks a few bucks each to get into a party. The punks pay up, but - when they get inside - the jocks are rude to them, so the drink a few beers and leave. The jocks have just made their beer-money back. I knew the scam, but ? having grown up with a con artist as a best friend ? I had a scam of my own. I paid for everybody (there were about 15 of us) to get into the party. Once inside we wasted no time destroying the place. Dave Blood took food out the refrigerator and began hiding it under the sofa cushions. Dean stole out of the freezer (we had a cookout the next - made possible by the fact that one of the people with us stole a small grill.). Dave Reckner urinated in the fireplace. I'm pretty sure that it was Joe who unscrewed all of the wall plates and hurled them out the window and on to the lawn, although he's never admitted to this. The rest of the people with of were, of course, tearing the place apart, too. A small TV flew out of the window. Shampoo bottles were pissed in and then carefully replaced. Were we the jocks during all this? They fled in terror at the sight of the Mohawks on the people who were with us leaving only the girl whose hose it was behind to watch the destruction. About a half-hour in the chaos, I approached her with a proposition "Listen, you can't call the cops because they'll ask you what you were doing charging underage people to drink in your home, but I can get them all out of here, in less than five minutes, for $200." The girl disappeared and came back with the money, which I pocketed and then went back to destroying her house. After three or four hours, the destruction got old and we all went back to Becky's to crash. I awoke late the next day with a murderous hangover. The smell of a cookout drifted in through the window. Down the hall, some people were watching Live Aid on TV. I didn't bother joining them. I wasn't in the mood for good deeds.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: ploion - vessel, ship. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/20/2003 |
 The reason that I was too tired to rewrite Monday's Thoughtless (the one
that got lost in the email) was because my wife kept me awake until 2 am on
Sunday night by screaming at the Discovery Channel's presentation of
Nefertiti Resurrected.
You see, my wife is a follower of the Egyptian God, Bastet. Yes, I wish
that she'd worship a decent Greek God or Goddess, but marriage is about
compromise. Anyway, Nefertiti apparently smashed a few Bastet statues in an
attempt to reform Egyptian theology. This is why my wife was screaming "You
c__t, I hope your soul wanders forever."
Did any of you catch that show? It featured a guy whose occupation, I
swear, is "Mummy Chemist". I must've missed that booth on Career Day. A
person becomes a chemist in order to help other people We can only assume
that this guy became a Mummy chemist in order to help Mummies...return to
life.
 The ancient Greek word of the day is: Eyegyptois - Egyptian. Learn it. Use it.  The Egyptians are clever at contriving ways and means. |
| 08/21/2003 |
 I know it's like watching Bambi's mother getting shot over-and-over-again,
but have any of you stopped by The Schumin Web lately?I swear to Zeus that, after years of teetering on the brink, ol' Ben has finally taken the plunge into sheer madness. Last week his was going on-and-on about storms and cats and this week he's rambling on about Waynesboro, VA. This essay contains the gem of the line "we have some furniture in the house that Mom doesn't let us use that came from Farmville." Pretty soon Schumin's posts will just consist of him smearing his feces on his monitor. Speaking of feces, there's a new RATYHTL E-Card featuring everybody's favorite mildly retarded Judge  The ancient Greek word of the day is: matayn - In vain; without reason. Learn it. Mom won't let us use it. |
| 08/22/2003 |
The fact that I despise the Lottery (but love the short story of the same name) doesn't keep me from playing it. Especially when the Power Ball payoff is sitting somewhere around $100 Million. To ensure that I win, I made a sacrifice at the statue of Dionysus (OK, it's a statue of Silenus and Dionysus) today.  Along with the offering I made a promise that, if I win the money, I'll build a temple to Dionysus on that spot. So, if I win, the world wins. Vienna also made an offering to her Gods  Great trashing of Project Green Light on Salon today, by the way.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: colacayay - flattery. Learn it. Ben's Mom won't let us use it. |
| 08/23/2003 |
Made another offering to Dionysus today. Thanks Doc, for the suggestion.  Yesterday's offering had vanished, by the way. If that doesn't prove the existence of Dionysus, I don't know what will - will the possible exception of my winning $100 million in tonight's lottery drawing. Ever notice that, whenever the show a major lottery winner on TV, it's inevitably some semi-literate redneck? And when the newsman asks ol' pointy hat what he'll be spending hi money on he always says "A new truck…oh, and I'd like to help my kids out." Yeah, it's always been a dream of mine to my folks call me a financial failure on national TV. South Philly, oddly, seems to have more lottery winners than anywhere else in the world. The weird thing is that these new multi-millionaires never move out of South Philly. They just get a new Monte Carlo, season tickets for the Flyers, and a "better place down the shore" for the summer. I love it here. I'm hoping to stay up late tonight and enjoy a marathon writing session.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: paythaw - persuade.  Gifts persuade the Gods. Learn it. Use it, before Schumin eats it. |
| 08/24/2003 |
My ancestors, who fought in the Civil War, didn't kill enough Southerners. On second thought, none of my ancestors killed enough Southerners, it's just that the Civil War was the only time in American History that killing Southerners was not only officially sanctioned, but somebody attempted to keep score (kind of like what we're doing with Darryl Worley's Message Board. I mention this because, last weekend, I was laying on the floor thinking about all of the writing that I was supposed to be getting done, and watching Inherit The Wind. Inherit The Wind is the first in what I like to call the Dirty Harry vs. The Rednecks Trilogy. Spencer Tracy (who was the John Wayne of anti-redneck films - see also Bad Day At Black Rock ) plays Clarence Darrow-esque lawyer who attempts to show a bunch of Gomers and Goobers that evolution should be taught in the classroom. Personally, I could never understand why Southerners are so opposed to the concept of evolution when the evidence is all around them. "Say, Clem, those young 'uns of yours sure is a might slow. Maybe you ought not of had relations with your relations." Since Inherit The Wind was made in 1960 because the North wins - so to speak. Spencer makes the point that Man (women didn't count, back then) should be free to think for himself and to question long-held beliefs. If that film was made today, two friendly Angels would show Spencer the error of his ways and he'd learn that "the country was is the best way." I might vomit. Tomorrow - Part Two: To Kill A Goddamn Mockingbird.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: archay - empire. Learn it. Use it, before Schumin eats it. |
| 08/25/2003 |
To Kill A Goddamn Mockingbird. The real reason why Atticus Finch wouldn't play football for the Methodists was not, as he told Jim, because he was too old. No, the real reason was because he understood futility, and the reason that Atticus Finch understood futility was because he was a Yankee who had been born into a Southerner's body. As a closeted Yankee, Atticus knew damn well that there was a good chance that his soon, despite Mr. Finch's best efforts,  might grow up to be a yokel. That's why he had to lie to the boy, he didn't
want to hurt Jim's feelings by saying "Look son, the only thing I'd never
help the people of this shit-forsaken town win is a contract as a testing
grounds for the Atomic Bomb. But let's just say, for a second, that I
did agree to play football for the Methodists, what would be the
point? Not only would the Baptists win - like they always do - but
three-quarters of my teammates would forget to play with helmets on.
That's just how retarded people around here are. Correction - that's
how retarded the white people around here are. Those Colored Folk
over in ShantyTown are a pretty bright lot and, if you're lucky, they'll
take you and Scout in after I hang myself. By the way, the reason that your
mother died is because that moron, Doc Baker, diagnosed her appendicitis as
"the vapors" fer fuck's sake. Christ I hate this rat's asshole of a town."Atticus knew that Tom Robinson was going to be convicted from the start. The same way that Spencer Tracy, in Inherit The Wind took one look at the funny shaped heads in the jury box and new he was going down in flames. Atticus Finch, however, had grown up surrounded by these bumpkins; he didn't even have to look at them to know that Tom Robinson was going to jail. Now the concept of a smart lawyer stuck in the midst of a bunch of hicks might seem comical in a Green Acres kind of way, but if you think about for a few minutes you'll begin to get a handle on the anger that must've been brewing inside of Atticus Finch. Which makes it all the more odd that Atticus didn't hate Hillbillies. Instead he felt a mixture of pity and announce for them. The kind of way that you or I might feel towards an insect trapped between the window and the screen. If Atticus were here right now, he'd be able to explain recent developments in America's foreign policy like this: "You see, Scout, the Bush's aren't like us. They're simple, country folk. Heck, the concept of toilet paper is beyond their limited mental grasp. That's why you shouldn't get angry at George Junior and call him names because one day he's going to fly straight into a little bug zapper that I like to call 'Reality'. Now if you'll excuse me, Scout, Daddy has to go into the backyard and scream at the top of his lungs until tears stream down his ass cheeks." Phun Philly Phact: In 2002, The American Film Institute named Atticus Finch as the greatest movie hero of all time. Second place went to Ron Jeremy's character, J.J. Longbone, from Pizza Girls VI. Tomorrow, Part III - Deliverance.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: schoinoin - little rope. Learn it. Use it in front of a redneck. |
| 08/26/2003 |
Deliverance. The third film in the Dirty Harry vs. The Rednecks trilogy is, of course, Deliverance. The great irony, naturally, being that Burt Reynolds who plays the ultimate Hillbilly-Stomping machine in this movie would later go on to become a Goober icon in Smokey and the Bandit (Phun Philly Phact: John Megna, who played "Dill" Harris [A character based on Harper Lee's childhood friend - Truman Capote] in To Kill A Mockingbird appeared in both Smokey and the Bandit II and Cannonball Run). The difference between Deliverance and the other films in the trilogy (Inherit The Wind and To Kill A Mockingbird) is that the fighting in Deliverance takes place on the Huckleberries' turf. Which makes this movie all the more bizarre when you consider that Spencer Tracy and Gregory Peck took on their Sons of the Soil in courtrooms and lost, while Mr. Reynolds and his troop managed to pull off a victory of sorts (Having lost only Burt's leg and Ned Beatty's cherry.). Another amazing thing is that, although Deliverance is by far the most accurate portrayal of the "Rural Lifestyle", it's the film that caused Clod-Hoppers to band together and demand that they be shown in a more positive light. And, thus, Hee-Haw was born. Tomorrow - Is there a point to any of this? Or am I just jerking off? NEWSFLASH - The Darryl Worley Message board is in a state of lockdown (Not unlike Darryl's cranium) thanks to an insane poster called "Blue Flippers". Damn it, I hate when genuinely crazy people ruin it for us wiseasses. Stay turned for details as they break.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: scotos - darkness. Learn it. Use it. God knows that Darryl Worley never will. |
| 08/27/2003 |
White Elephant Sale  Take a look at this picture and remember that, on this day, reason triumphed over bigotry. OK, that sounds really gay. How 'bout this: Na Na Na Na - Na Na Na Na - Hey Hey Hey - GOODBYE!Damn, I'm in a great mood - and the Fringe Festival starts this weekend! Right now I'm gonna take a nap and when I wake up I'll post What to Rent & What to Do. I promise. Oh, and many thanks going out to a friend of mine in "'Bama" for tipping me off to when the Ten C's were going to be moved, so that I could time my "Thoughtlesses".  The ancient Greek word of the day is: paleyeos - ancient. Learn it. Use it. God knows that Blue Flippers never will. |
| 08/28/2003 |
I'm mightily wiped out and I've got a huge weekend ahead of me (In case I only mentioned it a few hundred times, the Fringe fires up tomorrow night). I suggest that everybody reading this should get some rest, too. Big days ahead.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: elissaw - turn. Learn it. Use it. |
| 08/29/2003 |
Many of you have been wring me to ask how the lottery / offerings to Dionysus thingy is coming along. Well, while The God of Wine hasn't dropped to cash in my lap, yet ? nobody else has won. Which leads me to believe that Dionysus wants to let the pot grow a little before He let's me win. This way I'll be able to build Him a more spectacular temple. Dionysus is no fool. Now here's an odd thing. I've been leaving offerings (Granola bars, bottled water, and pocket change) for about a week now and they appear not to have been touched. I don't know how to interpret this.  I still hopped up on goofballs over the Fringe. Vienna and I are especially looking forward to seeing Totally Terribly True Tales From The Trailer Park; 2: 'Lil Lizzies Sleepytime Massacre. THIS JUST IN! I will be covering the Fringe Festival for The Paul Kircher Show. Well, I'm outta here to go try to get into the last ever Atom and His Package show (it's sold out).  The ancient Greek word of the day is: psophos - noise. Learn it. Use it. rodneyanonymous.com Kidnapping heiresses and re-christening them "Tanya" since 2002. |
| 08/30/2003 |
Um…I may have forgotten to mention that, since I'm covering the Fringe for Paul's show, the Thoughtlesses will be posted pretty late at night. How late? Well, it's almost midnight and I'm just getting around to typing this. Here's what's been happening: A Cellar Full Of Gois. I went to see Atom and his Package's final show last night. Adam was, of course, brilliant (He played all of his hits and a few of some other peoples'). As Mike is my witness, the opening band, The Zambonies, only played songs about hockey (Thus paving the way for such lyrics as "What do you do when you weigh 1500 Lbs.? You play goalie." and "I lost my teeth when I blocked the puck, but it was worth it."). In fact, they dressed in hockey outfits, which is all the more frightening when you consider that the temperature in the basement of the Unitarian church, where the show was held, was hovering somewhere abound the boiling point of lead.  Atom and his Package will be missed. On the Fringe (Yeah, I know, but I couldn't think of anything else). Paul and I picked up our press passes for the Fringe and were happier than Michael Jackson in Boys' Town.  Paul went off in search of entertainment while I, being the hard-working reporter that I am, went off in search of Chis Wildrick. The man who counts the leaves on trees. Armed with only a vague description ("He's kinda tall. Oh, and his hair is kinda dark") and even vaguer whereabouts ("Somewhere near Rittenhouse Square.") I set off to track him down. Around three o'clock I gave up and headed back into Olde City. I'll look for Chris tomorrow.  Back in Olde City, I stopped by the Well Fed Artists Gallery to pick up a free trading card. Folks, the may be the GREATEST IDEA EVER! If you see a card you like (and there were about 200 of 'em on the Gallery wall) you just take it and leave another one - that you made - in its place (They accepted a Dionysus pamphlet). Imagine walking into an art museum and doing that.Look what I got:  Then it was back to the Box Office to catch Donna Schudel as MaryElizabeth. This one's kind of hard to explain (catch my explanation on the radio) but it was great. I sat, mesmerized, for two hours. Here's a pic:  Vienna and I wrapped up the night with The Tale of Rancor. The story of a town that bans all smells. We loved it and walked home happily. Tomorrow - mo' Fringe.  The ancient Greek word of the day is: lactizdaw - kick. Learn it. Use it. rodneyanonymous.com I never sleep - why the Hell should you?. |
