Archive of Thoughtlessness

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Archive of Thoughtlessness - April '03

04/01/2003

Miracle:
     The mother of a nine-year-old boy whose been blind since birth is tucking him into bed at night when she says "Billy, I have wonderful news. The doctors have found a cure for your blindness. I put the medicine in your food at dinner. Tomorrow, when you open your eyes ? for the first time in your life ? you'll be able to see." She kisses the boy on the head and leaves. Little Billy is so excited that he can hardly fall asleep. Finally, around two AM, he drifts off.
     The next morning, at sunrise, Billy wakes up, opens his eyes, and is horrified to discover that he's still blind. He screams "Mom! Mom! Help me. I'm still blind."
     Bursting through the door, his mother shouts, "April fools!"

Tuphlos - Blind

04/02/2003

Bob's Big Beating:
     Few of you know that I own an authentic John Wayne Gacy painting. Even fewer of you care. How I came into possession of it is an interesting story.
     On a whim I stole a basket of plastic Bob's Big Boy rings from a (you guessed it) Bob's Big Boy restaurant (I can't remember if it was a Frisch's or Ellias Brothers' - I doubt that it was an Abdul's) and gave them to friend, Furry Couch.
     Furry had one of the rings re-cast and metal. About a week after he started wearing the ring, Furry punched some guy in the head - leaving a bloody imprint of the Big Boy.
     Furry was so pleased by this turn of events that, the next time I stopped by his store (Mondo World - it's since closed) that he took a Gacy painting of the wall and gave it me.
     People often ask me if I feel guilty about owning a painting by a serial killer. The answer is no. Hey, it's not like I told him to kill those boys. If I'd had been around, I'm sure I would've said "Hey, John, maybe you should chill on the murdering, OK?"

04/03/2003

Trouble In Paradise:
     A friend told me this story; it may be an urban legend:
     Apparently some guy who was really into tribal tattoos, bought a book on Balinese tattoos and found one facial tattoos particularly fetching (I think it was three solid bars below the upper lip, or something like that.) and had it recreated on his face. A few months later, the guy goes to Bali for a vacation.
     Mr. Tattoo is barley off the plane when he notices that the locals are pointing at him and laughing. It turns out that the tattoo signifies a pre-pubescent female.

     Hey, there's a ton of new stuff coming ? including a buttload of e-cards

     Hack if filming around the corner...again.

coray - girl

04/04/2003

Urban Renewal:
Got to thinking about Urban Legends yesterday and I thought that it might be fun to start one. So far, these are the only ones I could think of:

Each copy of "Video Professor" includes subliminal messages telling the viewer to buy Microsoft Products
If you look closely at the letters in the bowl on the Alphabits cereal, you'll find the words "Jews", "Steal" and "Babies"
An Ohio State Trooper, assigned to a raid on gay patrons of a men's room, ended up arresting his own father.

If you can think of any betters ones, send 'em in. I'll set up a poll in the forum and we can pick and circulate our official Urban Legend.

Show me a Hero and I'll write you a tragedy.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Hayraws - Hero

04/05/2003

Small White Nemesis:
     Last night I was having dinner with my friend George, when I discovered that George doesn't have Arch-Nemesis. I thought that everybody has an Arch-Nemesis. My Arch-Nemesis is Aimee Mann. It's a long story as to how Aimee became my Arch-Nemesis, and I'm too tired to tell it, right now. Just take my word for it, OK?

     I ran into Little Jimmy Satan today at Home Depot. He's the guy who told me all about Captain Pecker the Party Wrecker.

     Oh, and there's a new Ecard

04/06/2003

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch:
I'm really beat. This is one of those "every fiber of my being" kind of tired. I'm gonna be this tired every Sunday for awhile. In fact, I might just reprint this every week.
The new movie page is up.

04/07/2003

Receptacle - Part Two:
Today I saw a recycling bin that said "White Only". OK, as long as they don't do that with the drinking fountains.

04/08/2003

Demsey Nash Day:
     Cold. Bitter, damp, ambition robbing cold. Think London in November. That kind of cold. I used to love this kind of weather, but that was back before it became the norm. If porn grew on trees, I'd hate that too. Now I find myself openly siding with the Pepsi Generation (You know, the people who wear shorts in late October because they refuse to admit the Summer is over) in my desire for a real Spring, and I hate the thought of being allied with those idiots in any endeavor.

     Hey, Barb, the woman from 50 Things turns __ today.

     And there's a new Ecard

04/09/2003

Jackass - The Appointee:

Today, Secretary of Education, Rod Paige, had the following to say about Christian schools:

"The reason that Christian schools and Christian universities are growing is a result of a strong value system. In a religious environment the value system is set. That's not the case in a public school, where there are so many different kids with different kinds of values,"

Hey, maybe it's the sodomy. How did a stupid dick-munch like Paige get into a position where he's in charge of 47 million students?

Anyhoo, I feel like Hell, so I'm going to bed.

04/10/2003

Down:
I feel like Hell, so today's thought isn't much. Sorry.

nosos - sickness, disease

04/11/2003

Wrestling with my conscience:
I awoke on Wed night around 12:30 am. My first thought was, of course, "Wednesday Night ? Channel 48 ? Gorgeous Ladies Of Outrageous Wrestling!" I dug around for the remote (This was one of those times when seconds seem like centuries. I'd already missed half the show.) and switched on, Channel 48, and soon became aware of a new development that affects the worlds of Sports, Politics, and Entertainment. It seems that the Gorgeous Ladies Of Outrageous Wrestling are no longer the Gorgeous Ladies Of Outrageous Wrestling. They're now the Dangerous Women Of Wrestling. When did this change take place? Why wasn't I told? This is important stuff, people.
Even though the new format pales in comparison with the old (Too much emphasis on the "Ho Haters" and Brittney is no longer a school girl.), I haven't given up on America's most insane program (A title formerly held by Santo Gold). In fact, I'm going to see if I can get an interview with "Tai Killer Weed".

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

04/15/2003

Resurrection:
Well, I told you I was sick. Sorry about my vanishing act. Actually, I'm not. I was flat on my ass with the flu. Ever if I had been able to type, what I would've posted would've been even more incoherent then the usual crap you read in this space. I was so sick (How sick were you?) … I was so sick that I had to miss two days of work that I really couldn't afford to miss. I also missed telling you about the following:

My nephew, Jeff, turned 18 on Saturday. Those few of you who might be Dead Milkmen fans will remember Jeff as the little kid on the cover of the "If I had a gun" CD. It's official - we're all old now.
     My friend, Paul Kircher has had his radio show expanded to five times a week.
     I have a new guilty pleasure - Scare Tactics on the SciFi Channel.
     Congrats going out to Brian, who has been kickin' ass this week on Jeopardy.
     Oh, here are the links for the Dangerous Woman of Wrestling and Santo Gold.

04/16/2003

Planets in Retrograde:
Oddly, while I was out sick, hits to this web site increased. What can be gleaned from this information? It would appear that what fans of Rodney Anonymous Tells You How To Live want is less Rodney Anonymous. Either that or people who hate my guts kept checking in in the hope that I had died.

It was a beautiful day in Philly. Everybody on the street was wearing a smile (and, in a few cases, only a smile.). On the way home, I felt giddy and lightheaded. Then I remembered that I really hadn't eaten anything in about four days, so I decided to make food a priority.

trophay - food

04/17/2003

Why me?:
Here are a few of the rules that govern the Universe:

9 times out of 10 , anyone standing in a checkout line ahead of me is going to be a moron unfamiliar with the concept of exchanging currency for goods.
9.999 times out of 10, anyone standing in a checkout line ahead of me during my lunch hour is going to be a complete frickin' 'tard. It's a coffee shop, not NASA, OK? It shouldn't take you 10 minutes to place your order.
Counter Workers are not your friends. They have no idea what you might like, dislike, or be allergic to. Deal with it.
All Counter Workers "just started the other day". So, when you ask them what's in the vanilla latte (the answer, by the way, is VANILLA, dipshit) they will reply "I just started the other day." Then they will get the manager.
Managers are the kind of people who stand in checkout lines ahead of me. Their only joy in life comes from secretly dipping their private parts into vanilla lattes that have been ordered by the kind of customers who stand in checkout lines ahead of me during my lunch hour and ask a lot of questions.

04/18/2003

Brush With Fame:

Wow, Chuck Uefarley shops at the Shack. Who Knew?

04/19/2003

Canadian Easter:
     I once worked for a woman who was dumber than a box of rocks. As I was hanging up the calendar for November, I noticed a bland area in the middle of the month so I wrote in "Canadian Easter" and then forgot about it. A few days later, my boss stepped into the back room, where I worked, and said "Are you sure that today is Canadian Easter?" It took me a few seconds to remember what I'd done but I finally stammered out "Um…yeah…sure is."
     "That's weird," Ms. Einstein said "Because I was on the phone with some Canadian investors and when I wished them a happy Easter they seemed confused."
     Holy shit. I didn't think anybody would be dumb enough to see "Canadian Easter" on a calendar and actually believe it. I forged ahead "Maybe they were Jehovah's Witnesses - They don't celibate Easter."
     "Oh."

     Hey, boy - there's a new ecard!

04/20/2003

Earth vs The Ignoroids:
     Last nigh I found the following email in my inbox:
     Hey I checked out your page on Mumia and you are entitled to your own beliefs but facts are facts and you have not stated all of them. The distance the prosecutor said Mumia was from Faulkner was a very small distance and gun powder would have been found on Faulkner. It wasn’t, but even at tests done from further away, the powder residue can be found, but like I said, none was found. The police did not even check Mumia's gun to see if it has been recently fired. Something that has been routine for decades. Also, read the coroner’s report, the bullet does not match Mumia’s as your page claims. I am not saying he did not do it, I don’t know. But get your facts right. The original coroner’s report that stated that a .44 caliber killed Faulkner, Mumia carried a .38 In court, the police who watched Mumia at the hospital claimed that he made a confession stating “Yea I shot the motherfucker” But he failed to mention that in the report. Failed to mention a confession in a report, come on now. The doctor who treated Mumia said he said nothing and that he was too messed up to say anything. Get your facts right man, regardless to if he did it or not, he was railroaded, the Philly Police Dept has been sued by the Dep of Justice, they have the most documented cases of police brutality and corruption cases. Get your facts straight.
     Here's my reply:

     Thank you for your letter. I hope you don't mind if I cut to the chase:
     "The original coroner’s report that stated that a .44 caliber killed Faulkner, Mumia carried a .38 "
     I'll skip over the fact that Mr. Pacifist was packing heat and get right to the point:
     The coroner merely reflected his speculation at what caliber the bullet might be, made when he first saw the wound and before he started the autopsy. The note was written on a piece of scrap paper, and was not a part of (and was never intended to be a part of) his professional findings.Official ballistics tests done on the fatal bullet verify that Officer Faulkner was killed by a .38 caliber bullet, not a .44 caliber bullet. The fatal .38 slug was a Federal brand Special +P bullet with a hollow base (the hollow base in a +P bullet was distinctive to Federal ammunition at that time). It is the exact type (+P with a hollow base), brand (Federal), and caliber (.38) of bullet found in Jamal's gun.
     "In court, the police who watched Mumia at the hospital claimed that he made a confession stating “Yea I shot the motherfucker” But he failed to mention that in the report. Failed to mention a confession in a report, come on now."
     The confession was heard by a hospital security guard and reported by her the next day. Priscilla Durham heard Jamal shout, "I shot the mother fucker and I hope the mother fucker dies" outside the ER, and made an immediate report of the incident. A copy of the report was produced at the 1982 trial and was identified by Ms. Durham. Priscilla Durham's corroborates what the officers heard that morning and reported later, and demonstrates that it was an actual event, not an invention.
     Philly Police Dept has been sued by the Dep of Justice, they have the most documented cases of police brutality and corruption cases.
     Damn straight, my brother. However, forming a fan club around one of the few people that they obviously didn't set up - just because he has dreadlocks and a literary agent - isn't going to prove anything. As the cult of Mumia grows, thousands of innocent people - railroaded by the cops - are being ignored in favor of a "celebrity". If you want to fight against the Death Penalty count me in. But if you expect me the buy into some big lie about a murderer's innocence out of some sense of white guilt, you are sorely mistaken. Mumia is the anti-death penalty movement what those "trustafarians" screaming "Fuck Bush" are the anti-war movement - an embarrassment. I don't support Mumia simply because I looked into the facts of the case - unlike many of my brethren on the left. Hey, that's why I support the freeing of the West Memphis Three. ( http://www.wm3.org/ ). I looked at the FACTS.
     Thank you for writing and I look forward to further correspondence with you.
Rodney Anonymous
Philadelphian

Before any of you congratulate me on my debating skills. please remember that I blew off sending emails to some decent people who emailed their compliments to me in order to respond to this guy.

04/21/2003

They say the memory is the first thing to go.:
I forgot to tell you something else about "Mumia Guy". After I sent him the first reply, I waited a few minutes and sent him this:

I forgot to ask - did you like the rest of the site?
Thanks,
Rodney

He still hasn't written me back.

hubrizdaw - I insult, treat violently

04/22/2003

What the world needs now...
Bored? Then why not kill the time between now and when you die, by replacing the word "Love(s)" with the word "Drug(s)" in song titles:

Drug The One You're With
She Drugs You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Drugging You (Is Easy 'Cause You're Beautiful)
All You Need Is Drugs
This Is Not A Drug Song
To All The Women I've Drugged Before
Drug Is The Love

Hey, Rick "The Prick" Santorum is in trouble.

Less Than one month until I'm 40!

04/23/2003

Fifty Days of Crap
Sorry this is being posted later than usual, but Vienna and I swung by the Art Museum tonight (It stays open until 8:45 on Wednesday nights. We had a great time - that is until we came across Cy Twombley's collection of paintings called "Fifty Days at Iliam. Vienna summed up the work nicely by loudly stating "Wow, this really sucks. I have to admit, she's right. I hated it because of my love for Homer (He just wants to be friends). Vienna hated it because she's a human being with 20/20 vision. Below if a fairly accurate depiction of Tombley's "House of Priam"

04/24/2003

Sometimes Dead Is Better
My friend, Derrick, and his cousin once found summer work digging graves at a pet cemetery. Not only did they have to dig the graves, they also had to stand silently with their heads bowed during the "ceremony" that took place before the dirt was shoveled onto Fido's coffin (The "ceremony" usually consisted of the bereaved owner saying a few words.).
One day, Derrick and his cousin were standing by a grave - waiting for the nod to shovel - when the late pet's owner produced a jam-box and started playing "The Greatest Love Of All.". Without missing a beat, Derrick's cousin turned to him and whispered "The Deadest Dog Of All." Derrick burst out laughing, the guy with the jam-box got angry, and both Derrick and his cousin got a stern talkin' to from their boss.

04/25/2003

The Gayest Senator Of All
You would think that a state ran by Jews and Hispanics would rule, but Pennsylvania is doubly screwed. Like every other state in the Union (with the possible exception of Ohio), Pennsylvania has two Senators. One of them is the guy who thought up the "Single Bullet" theory, the other is a flamboyant, closeted gay man named Rick Santorum. Below is the actual interview that Rick gave to the Associated Press. It would be funny, if my tax dollars weren't paying this joker's salary.

AP: If you're saying that liberalism is taking power away from the families, how is conservatism giving more power to the families?
SANTORUM: Putting more money in their pocketbook is one. The more money you take away from families is the less power that family has. And that's a basic power. The average American family in the 1950s paid (unintelligible) percent in federal taxes. An average American family now pays about 25 percent. The argument is, yes, we need to help other people. But one of the things we tried to do with welfare, and we're trying to do with other programs is, we're setting levels of expectation and responsibility, which the left never wanted to do. They don't want to judge. They say, Oh, you can't judge people. They should be able to do what they want to do. Well, not if you're taking my money and giving it to them. But it's this whole idea of moral equivalency. (unintelligible) My feeling is, well, if it's my money, I have a right to judge.
AP: Speaking of liberalism, there was a story in The Washington Post about six months ago, they'd pulled something off the Web, some article that you wrote blaming, according to The Washington Post, blaming in part the Catholic Church scandal on liberalism. Can you explain that?
SANTORUM: You have the problem within the church. Again, it goes back to this moral relativism, which is very accepting of a variety of different lifestyles. And if you make the case that if you can do whatever you want to do, as long as it's in the privacy of your own home, this "right to privacy," then why be surprised that people are doing things that are deviant within their own home? If you say, there is no deviant as long as it's private, as long as it's consensual, then don't be surprised what you get. You're going to get a lot of things that you're sending signals that as long as you do it privately and consensually, we don't really care what you do. And that leads to a culture that is not one that is nurturing and necessarily healthy. I would make the argument in areas where you have that as an accepted lifestyle, don't be surprised that you get more of it.
AP: The right to privacy lifestyle?
SANTORUM: The right to privacy lifestyle.
AP: What's the alternative?
SANTORUM: In this case, what we're talking about, basically, is priests who were having sexual relations with post-pubescent men. We're not talking about priests with 3-year-olds, or 5-year-olds. We're talking about a basic homosexual relationship. Which, again, according to the world view sense is a a perfectly fine relationship as long as it's consensual between people. If you view the world that way, and you say that's fine, you would assume that you would see more of it.
AP: Well, what would you do?
SANTORUM: What would I do with what?
AP: I mean, how would you remedy? What's the alternative?
SANTORUM: First off, I don't believe ...
AP: I mean, should we outlaw homosexuality?
SANTORUM: I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. As I would with acts of other, what I would consider to be, acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships. And that includes a variety of different acts, not just homosexual. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against anyone who's homosexual. If that's their orientation, then I accept that. And I have no problem with someone who has other orientations. The question is, do you act upon those orientations? So it's not the person, it's the person's actions. And you have to separate the person from their actions.
AP: OK, without being too gory or graphic, so if somebody is homosexual, you would argue that they should not have sex?
SANTORUM: We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. It all comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn't exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution, this right that was created, it was created in Griswold -- Griswold was the contraceptive case -- and abortion. And now we're just extending it out. And the further you extend it out, the more you -- this freedom actually intervenes and affects the family. You say, well, it's my individual freedom. Yes, but it destroys the basic unit of our so ciety because it condones behavior that's antithetical to strong, healthy families. Whether it's polygamy, whether it's adultery, where it's sodomy, all of those things, are antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family. Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous relationships. In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality...
AP: I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out.[WTF???? - Rodney]
SANTORUM: And that's sort of where we are in today's world, unfortunately. The idea is that the state doesn't have rights to limit individuals' wants and passions. I disagree with that. I think we absolutely have rights because there are consequences to letting people live out whatever wants or passions they desire. And we're seeing it in our society.
AP: Sorry, I just never expected to talk about that when I came over here to interview you. Would a President Santorum eliminate a right to privacy -- you don't agree with it?
SANTORUM: I've been very clear about that. The right to privacy is a right that was created in a law that set forth a (ban on) rights to limit individual passions. And I don't agree with that. So I would make the argument that with President, or Senator or Congressman or whoever Santorum, I would put it back to where it is, the democratic process. If New York doesn't want sodomy laws, if the people of New York want abortion, fine. I mean, I wouldn't agree with it, but that's their right. But I don't agree with the Supreme Court coming in.