Archive of Films II

Otesánek [Little Otik] (2000)
A young couple discovers that they can't have children so the husband does the logical thing and carves a baby from a piece of wood. Jesus, didn't these people see Pinochio or Raising Arizona? Eventually the chunk of wood comes to life - and this is not a good thing because pretty soon neighbors go missing. Little Otik works nicely as Fable, Horror movie, and satire of Western world's obsession with cranking out babies.
C'est arrivé près de chez vous (It Happened in a Neighborhood Near You)[Man Bites Dog] (1992)
Nowadays, if you're looking to offend someone, all you have to do is flash some nip at the Super Bowl or beat Jesus to a bloody pulp for two-and-a-half hours. Back in 1992, people had much thicker skins, so the time was ripe for a feel-good pseudo-documentary about a French Sociopath (Yes, that may be redundant). Think of it as a comedic version of Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer or what Natural Born Killers could've been, if that film didn't suck Carnie Wilson's balls. But don't just take my word for it. Check out what some bag-o-fag over at amazon.com, who hated the film, had to say: Rabid Movie!, June 8, 1999 Reviewer: A viewer from Los Angeles, CA USA This movie is sick. Really! I am not a prude. But, there are some very distateful [sic] scenes that are unnecessary with the sheer objective of making the viewer sick. I'm not sure if the director was under a great delusion the he is so ironic or bold or shocking. But this movie is total trash. I remember walking out of the theatre when I saw it. I suggest you walk out of your home if it is playing on your tv..... and then move to another town, take an hour long shower and burn your clothes Yeah, you tell 'em, shitbird.
Delicatessen (1991)
"And the First Commandment reads that human flesh and blood is sacred - until there is no more food" - The Stranglers, Straighten Out Many of you have seen director Jean-Pierre Jeunet other great movies, City of Lost Children and Amélie (if not, rent those too) and have hopefully missed his awful movie - Alien: Resurrection. You know, finding out that the same guy responsible for Delicatessen, City of Lost Children, and Amélie is also responsible for Alien: Resurrection is like Finding out that da Vinci also pained sad clowns - on black velvet. But I digress... Anyway, you'll enjoy Delicatessen, partly because of it's bleak, post-apocalyptic look and partly because it's one of the few films that focuses on joys of the musical saw.
The Kingdom (1994) and The Kingdom II(1997)
Spend this weekend watching all 451 minutes of the original Kingdom (I & II) and you may be able to avoid what is certain to be an inferior re-make penned by Stephen King (Author of That Scary Monster That Did That really Scary Thing That Scared Those People...To Death!). The Kingdom (Which features RATYHTL actor-in-residence, Udo Keir, ghost ambulances, rapidly growing fetuses, rolling heads, and an angry Swede) does a pretty accurate job of depicting the Danish Health Care System.
The Tin Drum (1979)
Those of you living in the "Red States" might want to think twice before renting this film. The following is from the Trivia page for The Tin Drum over at IMDB.com: In 1997, at the urging of a Christian fundamentalist group [big surprise] and after viewing only a few isolated scenes [even bigger surprise], an Oklahoma County District Court judge declared that this film contained child pornography [I think the scene in question is the one where Oskar is in bed with his baby sitter - If you've seen it, then you know what I'm talking about. - Rodney] and was illegal. Without obtaining the necessary search warrants or court orders, police in Oklahoma City confiscated all copies of the film from libraries and rental outlets. They intimidated video store managers into supplying them with the addresses of those currently renting the movie, went to those homes, and confiscated those tapes as well. The local District Attorney declared that anyone possessing a copy of the movie would be arrested. Within weeks the D.A. was forced to back down on this statement, and by December most of the seized videos had been returned. By October of 1998, over the course of rulings in several related lawsuits, the U.S. federal courts found that the confiscation of the tapes had been unconstitutional, and ruled that the movie did not violate Oklahoma's state laws. The U.S. Court of Appeals closed the final case in May 2001, and the movie is once again available for rental in Oklahoma County. The movie tells the story of a little boy who, dismayed by the actions of the adults around him, decides to stop growing. The fact that he makes this decision in Nazi Germany only the icing on the cake. That's all you need to know...that and for the love of Christ, turn your head during the "eels" scene!
Green Pastures (1936)
White man's Heaven is a black man's Hell... Now here's something that you don't see everyday, an all-Black version of the Old Testament that takes place in the rural South (Where it was later banned, not surprisingly). Personally, I always thought that God was probably an African -American, but I never knew that he enjoyed a good "ten cent see-gar" or argued with Noah about how many "keg o' liquor" he could bring with him on the Ark. Despite the appearance of the occasional stereotype - the writer and director were white - this strange little time capsule is really enjoyable, although mostly for the soundtrack and a few standout performances (including Rex Ingram as both "De Lawd" and Adam. He would later play the Devil's son in the classic Cabin in the Sky). So don't waste your hard earned money on, Holocaust denier, Mel Gibson's The Passion - rent this instead.
The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
Vincent Price wasn't very nice / In the House of Usher he paid the price - Mikey Wilde Everybody has a favorite Vincent Price movie (for most people it's either Theater of Blood, Masque of the Red Death, or Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine ) and this is mine - mainly because it's the sort of patently insane horror movie that could've only been made in the early Seventies. Price (This is his 100th film, by the way.) plays Dr. Anton Phibes; a disfigured musician/theologian who avenges his wife's death with a series of killings based on the Biblical Seven Plagues of Egypt with the assistance of a woman named "Vulnavia" whose origin is never really explained. Put that plot in your pipe and smoke it. Featuring Death by Rats, Death by Spike, Death by Locusts, and Terry Thomas watching porn (which is far more disturbing than any of the murders)
The Snake Pit (1948)
The 1940's were not known for their progressive attitude towards...well, towards anything, least of all mental illness (or, as we call it today, being fuckobazzoo). That's one of the reasons that Snake Pit is such a surprise. Filmed in 1948 it not only takes the progress path towards showing the causes of mental illness (Look for Mrs. Howe from Gilligan's Island in the flashbacks. If she were your mom, you'd be nuts, too.), but - decades before Shock Corridor and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - it took an unflinching look at mental hospitals. In an era when people wouldn't even talk about mental illness, Olivia De Havilland did some major gambling with her career by deciding to star in this flick.
Cabin Fever (2002)
Meatwad make the money, see. Meatwad get the honeys, G. While Cabin Fever may not quite be the Citizen Kane of low-budget horror films, it comes mighty close to grabbing that brass ring. Cabin Fever smartly sticks to all of the rules of great b-movie making. For example (and this point was hammered home in The Blair Witch), white collage students, when left alone in the face of danger, are toast. Hillbillies are never what they appear to be (unless they appear to be homicidal maniacs), and you should NEVER sit next to Dennis. My name is Shake Zula, the mic rula! Three cheers for director/writer Eli Roth for using the first few minutes of the film to trick us into thinking that this is just another cheap monster flick then slowly cranking the social commentary dial. Lessons Learned from this movie: Squirrels are Gay, a dog can be a professor, and you should Never sit next to Dennis. Be sure to pay strict attention to the dialog, because [Spoiler Alert] the entire film is a set up for a line uttered in the first ten minutes. And no, that line has nothing to do with sitting next to Dennis.
House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
There's a legend that's been floating around the Southwest for a few years now about a man with a dream. That dream was put on a dirt bike race in which all of the participants were tripping on acid. As the story goes, the race started out great, but - after a hour or so - some of the bikers rode off into the desert...never to be seen again. The point is that even though something seem like a good idea, it's always best to get a few opinions before you actually try it. Take, for example, House of 1,000 Corpses. Writer/Director Rob Zombie had about 25 percent of a horror movie rattling around in his head when someone gave him the cash to make this movie. That's why the first twenty minutes of this film are total motor-booty(Loud music, strippers, and Sid Haig from Spider Baby as a clown.). As for the rest, well you've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, right? So has Rob Zombie. What you end up with is an original idea with TCM tacked on to it. You know that you're in trouble when the most original villain name that Zombie can come up with is "Dr. Satan". Jesus, how many script meetings did that take? Featuring clips from The Old Dark House (1932) and an outstanding performance from Ms. Sheri Moon as Baby Firefly.
Dead Man (1995)
I could tell you about this movie's plot, but then you probably wouldn't rent it, so I'll just tell you who's in it. It stars Johnny Depp and features Gibby from the Butthole Surfers, Iggy Pop (in a dress), Grispin Glover ("I wouldn't trust no words written on no piece of paper."), Gabriel Byrne, John Hurt, Robert Mitchum, Billy Bob Thornton ("By God, I'm hit. Lord have mercy. Burns like hellfire. You son of a bitch. I'm gonna have to kill somebody now. "), Lance Henriksen, and - of course - Steve Buscemi. Soundtrack by Neil Young (which Roger Ebert described as sounding "like nothing so much as a man repeatedly dropping his guitar.")
Manor House (2002)
While this may not be a movie, there's still more drama, comedy, social commentary, and general strangeness than in ten films that I can think off offhand. What starts off as a social experiment conducted by the BBC (a dozen people are picked to live for three months in an Edwardian Manor House [five family members as the Lords and Ladies - the rest as servants] as they would've in 1914.) quickly devolves into Horror (two scullery maids flee in the night. The problem - ghosts), debauchery (two footman suffer alcohol poisoning), more debauchery (perhaps inspired by The Turn of the Screw, Kenny the Hall Boy gets it on with the third scullery maid) and class warfare. To get the full effect of Manor House, you need to watch all six hours in a row. Although it doesn't quite leave the trail of human wreckage scattered about by PBS' other sadistic tenth-level experiments (1900 House and Frontier House - both of which came close to physically and mentally destroying some of the participants), Manor House does feature some amazing insights, most of which come courtesy of the butler, Mr. Edgar.
Santa sangre (1989)
This is the perfect Holiday film - that is, if you define "Holiday Film" as a film in which arms get chopped off and murder. This flick has a great look and feel to it (Unlike those other "Santa" films - you know, the ones with Tim Allen.). Highly recommended!
Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
With the capture of Saddam Hussein, this week, I'm sure that many of you of you were hoping to head to the video store this weekend in search of a film about American policy in the middle east. Others are just hoping to see nekkid breasts. Both sides will be more than happy with Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks which works not only as a shocking expose of the powerful oil industry, but also provides many helpful tips for maintaining a happy harem. Oh, and there's a guy who looks kind of like Henry Kissinger who's hot for young boys. Sadly, this classic was overlooked by the academy, which handed that year's Oscar to Rocky.
The Born Losers (1967)
Remember the old TV show Kung Fu? Each week David Carradine, who was six feet tall and Irish, would walk into a saloon and immediately faces dozens of "Hey Chinaman" taunts. Look, I understand that these people are supposed to be inbred hicks, but you'd have to blind to mistake David Carradine for an Asian. On the other side of town, is someone turning to Bruce Lee and saying "Hey, Jewboy"? Throughout The Born Losers, no matter where blond haired, blue eyed star Tom Laughlin goes, someone is bound to say "Here comes that Injun, Billy Jack." Billy Jack? The Billy Jack? That's right, this is the first film in the might Billy Jack series and it kicks mo' ass than all the other Bill Jack flicks combined (Which is saying a lot, 'cuz I love all the Billy Jack films). This film is shorter on speeches than the average Bill Jack extravaganza and longer on fighting. If that doesn't sell you on it, this will: It features a biker named "Crabs"
Three Kings (1999)
"You know you're on the path to truth when you smell shit, isn't that what they say?" Now that we find ourselves knee-deep in the Big Sandy, it may be idea to revisit this film. In years to come, it may be regarded as a minor classic, but for now it serves as a great statement about failed American foreign policy, "video game" war, and cultural ignorance. It also serves as the exception to the "rappers shouldn't act" rule (It features Ice Cube and Marky Mark without the Funky Bunch). It's also the first film to ask the question that haunts a generation "What the fuck is wrong with Michael Jackson?"
Battlefield Earth (2000)
"I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango." Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so why no celebrate with the biggest turkey of all time (Yeah, I know how cliche that is, but I'm too busy to come up with something original)? If you haven't seen Battlefield Earth yet, that you're in for a painful surprise as you plumb it's truly moronic depths. If you have seen it, then the odds are pretty good that you've ripped your eyes from their sockets with your bare hands about ten minutes into the film and a re presently confined to a mental institution where you sit in a corner all day long chanting "Damn you, Travolta. Damn you straight to Hell."
High Risk (1981)
By all rights, this film should grace everybody's list of great B movies. Where else are you going to see James Brolin, Cleavon Little, Bruce Davison, Anthony Quinn, James Coburn, Ernest Borgnine and the Bionic Broad herself, Lindsay Wagner, together in one film? The plot revolves around a group of average guys who, one weekend, head down to Central America to rob a drug lord. Why? Inflation. While it may not be a life changing movie experience, like Bambi or Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS, this is still a surprisingly good little film.
May (2002)
This film single-handedly renew my faith in modern, low budget Horror movies. It kicks so much ass that it should be sealed in a lead container and all Americans should have to view it at least once a year or be deported. On the surface, May is a re-working of Frankenstein ("If you can't find a friend, make one." ), but dig a little deeper and you'll find a whole 'nutter story about isolation. If you don't rent May this weekend, then you'd better hope that I don't find out. Why? 'Cause I'll smack ya', that's why. I'm serious about this one, gang.
Massacre at Central High (1976)
Revolution on a microcosmic scale. A loner transfers to a new High School and starts killing off all the popular kids. The school then turns into a Utopia - for about ten minutes, the geeks, freaks and weirdoes (including an art fag named Rodney) become the oppressors. So now the loner has to bump them off, too. It's kind of like Animal Farm meets Grease, but with loads of death. Featuring future Eight is Enough cast member Lani O'Grady. Also realeased as Blackboard Massacre and Massaker In Klasse 13.
Horrorfest 2003!
Since this Friday is Halloween, I suggest you do the following: Make Friday night "Zombie" Night and make Saturday night "Classic" night. For Friday night, you'll need Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Day, and Day of the Dead (Feel free to substitute another zombie film like Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things or 28 Days Later for that last Dead film. For Saturday Night you'll need The Haunting (1963 version), The Innocents (1961), and any Hammer Studios film.
The Corner (2000)
With Halloween just around the corner, you're probably in the mood to rent something frightening. Well, what's more frightening than junkies? The Corner tells the true story of the fall of an American family. This is without a goddamn doubt the finest six hours of TV ever made. Not one misplaced line of dialog. Not one unnecessary camera shot. This is TV as art (Which should be a sharp kick-in-the-ass to all of those people who consider themselves too intelligent to watch TV.). In a much more sane world, The Corner would be the exception, not the rule. Of course, in a much more sane world, the shit that goes down on The Corner would never happen.
The Breaks (1999)
This is the dumbest movie that I'll recommend. Seriously, it makes Porky's look like Citizen Kane. Then why recommend it? Because it's also very, very funny (if you make it past the first five minutes). The Breaks examines a day in the life of Derrick King, an Irish orphan (Derricks parents were killed fighting the "Russians" - it's explained in a flashback) raised by African-Americans in Compton. To be honest, most of the humor is hit-or-miss, and when it hits you may find yourself being embarrassed by laughing at the wonderfully crude humor. Hey, Shakespeare it ain't. Funny it is.
The Trouble With Harry (1955)
I was being honest with you when I told you that last week's film was not a great movie. Well, this week's is. As far as I know, this is Hitchcock's only comedy. It's not often that you see "Hitchcock" and "comedy" in the same sentence unless it's a sentence like this: Martin Lawrence's new comedy was so bad that I wish Alfred Hitchcock would rise from his grave and kick his ass." And you're never going to see that sentence because it doesn't make sense. Anyway, The Trouble With Harry is about a group of people in a small New England town who, one-by-one, stumble upon a dead body. Rent it, or the next dead body that you stumble over might be your own.
Public Access (1993)
I'm recommending this film even though it's not great. It's merely pretty good - you've been warned. A stranger shows up in a "perfect" small town and begins hosting a public access cable TV show called "Our Town". Each Sunday night at seven he asks the question "What's wrong with our town?" People eagerly call in to talk smack about their neighbors. Sadly, the film veers off track quicker than an Amtrak train in a 2mph wind, but it still offers a few good shocks and some decent acting for a B movie. Besides, it was directed by Byran Singer who directed The Usual Suspects. And that's a good thing. He also wasn't the director of and Agent Cody Banks that's a better thing. Makes a good double feature with Handle with Care
The Hitcher (1986)
Roger Ebert used to love to talk about "Our old friend - the Idiot Plot". "The Idiot Plot" is any movie plot where things would work out fine if people stopped doing stupid things - like going into old houses alone, camping in the old Indian burial grounds that are right next to the asylum for the criminally insane, or co-staring with Andy Garcia. Well, in The Hitcher, C. Thomas Howell only does one stupid thing. He offers a ride to Rutger Hauer. When Rutger turns out to be a crazed killer (How could a German be evil?), C. does all the smart stuff that you yell out to people on the screen in thrillers to do (You know, stuff like "Call the cops" and "look out behind you"), but somehow it never quite works out. A good double-bill with Duel.
The Name of the Rose (1986)
Sure, it not nearly as good as the book, but the makes of this film still did a pretty decent job of bringing Umberto Eco's hefty tome to the screen. While most films about the middle ages give us the Renaissance Faire version of the era (Knights in shining armor on the back of white horses, and not a pile of feces in sight), the makers of The Name of the Rose knew that most denizens of that period lived out their lives covered in filth and spent what little free time they had comparing deformities. Speaking of deformities, be sure to check out Ron Perlman's over-the-top acting as Brother Salvatore. I also have it on good authority that, after Christian Slater filmed his love scene (No, not with Ron Perlman), he went home and played with his Star Wars figures. Nice visual, Chris.