 | Archive of Films I |
"I don't want my brother coming out of that bathroom with just [a copy of Titanic] in his hand."
- Sonny Corleone
| Return To Oz (1985) | |
I bet you didn't even know that there was a sequel to The Wizard of Oz.
That's because Disney would love for us all to forget that this movie
(which can best be described as a colorful children's' birthday
piñat...filled with Angel Dust.) exists. Which is a shame because it's much
better than any of the crap that would earn the mouse billions when the studio
made its "comeback" in the nineties. When Dorothy tells Auntie Em all about
the enchanted land over the rainbow, Auntie Em does what any self
respecting mid-westerner would do.. she sends Dorothy to Dr. Worley's (Yes,
that really is his name) insane asylum for some quick shock therapy. OK, so
we're about ten minutes into the film and already the entire audience has
fled in tears. Too bad, because they missed the headless dancing
girls and the real nightmare material that are "The Wheelers". Vienna, my
resident expert on all things OZ, says that this movie sticks mighty close
to the original books. Great. I'd hate to think what would've happened if
they'd decided to chuck some scary stuff in. |
|
| Marat/Sade (1966) | Citizen Ruth (1996) |
The full title of this film is The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade, which should give you some idea as to what it's about. Every time I see this film (I like to watch it around 3am for some unknown reason) I'm always floored by how contemporary it looks. Years ahead of its time and featuring the old guy who gets "Singing in the Rained" by Little Alex in A Clockwork Orange. I good double bill with Quills. |
When asked to name their favorite "Feel-Good Abortion Comedy" most people will pipe up with Clark Gable and Jean Harlow in The Coat-Hanger Crew or Sally Field Field's classic Not Without My Fetus, but for me, there's only one Abortion Comedy and that's Citizen Ruth starring Laura Dern as the paint-huffing baby-machine who captured America's heart by taking $30,000 to abort (or not abort) baby Tanya. One of the over two million great things about Citizen Ruth is how if manages to skewer both side of the abortion fence without ever becoming preachy (and still remaining funny). Featuring Burt Reynolds in a role that I'm sure he doesn't talk about much. Written and directed by Alex Payne - the man behind Election. |
| Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (1996) |
Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001) |
This documentary should've been one of the first films that I posted a
review of. If you think the guy in The Thin Blue Line got handed the
shit-end of the stick by the American legal system, you ain't seen nothin'
yet. At least that guy got outta jail.Damian Echols was an Arkansas teenager whose biggest mistake in life was owning a lot of black clothing. When three little boys where murdered in Damian's hometown the local police jumped to the brilliant conclusion that killings had been part of a Satanic Ritual. Way to go, Barney Fife. If this had been a work of fiction, the process by which the cops came to their conclusions it would've been hilarious. Damian and two acquaintances were quickly arrested and convicted on some of the most moronic testimony since the Salem Witch Trials. Off to jail they went (where Damian was later raped) and there where they still sit today ? almost ten years later. I dare anyone to sit through this film (and the sequel - Paradise Lost 2: Revelations) and not got white-hot pissed off. Those of you living in small towns will want to immediately move to a large city. |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know that some smartass dubbed this movie "A
Merchant/Ivory film with kickboxing", but that description doesn't really
do it justice. This film takes the same plot that you've seen
time-and-time-again (The Royal taxidermist to King Louie XVI and his
Iroquois blood-brother are sent to the Gevaudan province of France to hunt
down what may be a werewolf. While there, the taxidermist romances a French
woman while carrying on an affair with an Italian prostitute.) and makes it
fresh. I guess it's rally Jaws meets Dangerous Liaisons...with kickboxing. |
Brain Candy (1996) |
The Young Poisoner's Handbook (1995) |
Please tell me that I'm not the only one who found this film to be
brilliantly funny. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who laughed at
the closeted gay dad ("Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?"
"Well, actually, that was your husband's idea."), or the insane cabbie ("Ya
know, the pills are made of monkey cum."), or Cancer Boy, or Gordo, or the
guy who's responsible for "Just a few flipper babies." Please tell me that
some guerilla group is showing this film secretly to an appreciative
audience. Please tell me that this movie didn't bomb at the box office.
And, most of all, please tell the drooling idiot three cubicles over to
shut the hell up about "What a funny movie There's Something About Mary"
was. |
Ma-hhhad respect goin' out to Dean's wife, Melissa, for turning me on to this true story about a young man who discovers his real passion in life - slowing poisoning the people around him. I sure as Hell am glad that today's ostracized teens have access to automatic weapons because I'd much rather die quickly in a hail of then by inches from ingesting . Seriously, what this kid does makes Columbine look like a mercy killing. |
| The Baby of Macon (1993) |
Cold Comfort Farm (1995) |
These are the fluids of my body. Kind of a play-within-a-play-within-a-movie-with-a-truck stop, The Baby of Macon tells the story of a woman who's trying to pass off her mother's child as a virgin birth. That's pretty much all you need to know. Oh, and that Julia Ormond gets nekkid. Also, I should probably mention that the actor who plays Cosimo de Medici is really good. He manages to stay in character when Julia Ormond gets nekkid. The set is amazing. The movie takes place in a cathedral. This not adds to the atmosphere but also gives Julia Ormond plenty of room to get nekkid. Ralph Fiennes co-stars. He gets nekkid too. I highly recommend The Baby of Macon for all of you who enjoy costume dramas - the kind where the costumes tend to fall off. |
 I saw something nasty in the woodshed. This film is a serious
finger in the face of all those nineteenth century English novels where,
after the death of her parents, a young girl is forced to live among creepy
relatives in the country.
After her parents die (We're never told of what), Flora Post (For the rest
of the film known as "Robert Post's Child") moves to Cold Comfort Farm
which is populated by her depressed, unwashed relatives who run the gambit
from horny farm hands to religious fanatics. These English rednecks get to
rattle off wonderful dialog like "Seth, drain the well. There's a neighbor
missing " and "THERE IS NO BUTTER IN HELL".
All-in-all, Cold Comfort Farm is a highly underrated film that a lot of
friends claimed is best viewed on a Sunday afternoon while suffering from a
hang-over.
|
| Battle Royale (2000) |
Funny Games (1997) |
 Every culture needs a common enemy in order to keep it from tearing itself
apart. In America, our common enemy is any foreign leader with facial hair.
For the last fifty years, the common enemy of the Japanese people has, of
course, been Godzilla. Battle Royale takes place in the Japan of the
near future where, without the benefit of Godzilla (Maybe he retired to
Monster Island? Don't ask me.), the Japanese randomly pick a group of
seventh graders and send them off to an island to fight to the death. It's
an annual event ? like the cherry blossom festival, only with lots of
fourteen-year-olds offing each other. The best part of the film is the
"training video" the students are forced (and I mean forced to
watch). These scene gives rises to the greatest line in film history
-"This one is SUPER lucky!"Oh, and good luck getting a hold of a copy of this film. It's been banned in the good ol' US of A. |
 About three years ago, I swung by TLA Video to pick up a copy of Funny
Games. When I asked for one of the girls behind the counter sneered and
said "That movie should be called "Unfunny Games". The girl behind
the counter, who has since become a good friend of Vienna's, then turned to
the first girl and screamed "SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL KILL YOU."
Funny Games can be summed up in two ways. The first is: Two German
teenagers (know as Peter and Paul, Tom and Jerry, or Beavis and Butthead)
torture family of yuppies for 90 minutes. The other way is: Whack. Whack.
Smack. Smack. Stab. Stab. Shoot. Shoot. Splash. Saying that this film is
not for the squeamish is like calling the sinking of the Titanic a boating
accident. One of the characters even turns to the camera and asks the
audience why we're watching this kind of film. |
| The Crowd (1928) | Tales From The Gimli Hospital (1988) |
 I don't want any arguments about this: The Crowd is the best movie evermade. No, you get the Hell out of here. I bet you've never even seen
The Crowd. Well that's a goddamn shame because been missing out on
something special.The Crowd tells the story of an average guy's attempt to make it through life. And that's it; nothing else. It follows him from his birth on July 4th, 1900 through his mid-thirties. You see his childhood, his job (he's worker number 137), and his rocky marriage (maybe he shouldn't have proposed on the first date) as he waits for his ship to come in. This film was years ahead of its time in showing the flip side of the American dream. The hero does everything society expects him to do ? get a job, get married, honeymoon at Niagara Falls, but everything keeps going to shit. For every step he takes forward, he ends up taking two steps back. A pretty ballsy statement for 1928. I'm not suggesting that you rent The Crowd ? I'm demanding that you do. |
 I, too, have a bad fish in my net.I've seen this film a few times and I really like it. The thing is, I'm not sure just why I like it. Tales…, along with Eraserhead, Café Flesh, and a few other movies, falls into a category that I like to call "Fever Dream Films". There the kind of films that find you asking "Did I just imagine that?" Tales… begins in the present (You can tell by the Big Gulp cups - and not much else.) with two children of a dying mother being told the story of Einar the Lonely by their Grandmother. The story then moves back through time to show us a "Gimli we no longer know" and how to use fish as shampoo. Director Guy Maddin also helmed 1995's feel-good blockbuster Sissy Boy Slap Party. |
| The Blue Angel (1930) | Suspiria (1977) |
 I work for a large Pharmaceutical Corporation that makes trillions of dollars each year selling anti-depressants despite the fact that studies show that most depressed people would benefit more from a change of diet, more exercise, or a less stressful lifestyle than from medication. Anyhoo, no amount of healthy food, exercise, lifestyle adjustment, or membership to the Anti-Depressant of the Month Club will save your ass from awesome downer you'll crash headlong into at the end of The Blue Angel. The plot is simple: Professor falls for cabaret singer - she ruins him. But it's how she ruins him that keeps you glued to the screen. Someday they'll re-make it starring JLo and it'll have a happy ending. Until then, enjoy. |
 Roses are red. Violets are blue. The iris is the flower … that'll mean the end of you. Suspiria is an amazing contradiction - a thinking man's slasher flick (I'm still waiting for a pacifist's snuff film). Filmed using a hallucinatory process that renders everything in primary colors and shot on strange, art-whacko locations Suspiria stands as a testament to the genius of director / asylum escapee Dario Argento (Yes, that was his daughter, Asia, in XXX. Why do you know that? No, don't tell me that you actually paid money to see that crap.). Made as the first feature in a planned Trilogy (Part two, Inferno is pretty frickin' good, too. The third film has yet to be made. Dario, if you're reading this, I have a script…), Suspiria tells the story of a group of witches holding up in a German ballet school (And you thought they only knew how to goosestep over there.) and what happens to Jessica Harper when she stumbles across them. Viewing tip - turn this movie up LOUD. The soundtrack, by the "band" Goblin is best enjoyed at window-rattling volume. |
| Putney Swope (1969) | Ridicule (1996) |
 Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul. Next time you're stepping over an unconscious Robert Downey Jr., pause for a minute and remember that his father was responsible for writing and directing this comic masterpiece. When the head of an advertising firm dies of a heart attack during a board meeting (How many syllables, Mario?"), his job passes to the token African-American on the board of directors - Putney Swope. Putney immediately changes the companies name to Truth and Soul Inc. and fires lots of honkies. Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul. Featuring a midget President, a running gag about a man named Sonny Williams, and the pure joy of seeing a comedian get ripped a new one, Putney Swope is a strange comic time-capsule of the twisted end of the Age of Aquarius. Putney says the Borman Six girl has got to have soul. |
 Being a smartass is a double-edged sword. For everybody who laughs at your
jokes, there are, at least, a half-dozen people who would be happy to kick
a mud hole in you and then stomp it dry. Oddly, this tradition dates back
to the reign of Louis XVI, in whose court at Versailles, a razor sharp
tongue could either get you an introduction to the King, or the wrong end
of a rapier. Ridicule tells the story of French Nobleman who just wants to
raise enough money to get some drainage ditches dug. Think Dangerous
Liaisons meets Franz Kafka ? with some hot French women tossed in. Sadly,
this film never explains how an entire nation when from worshiping dry,
sophisticated wit to thinking that Jerry Lewis was the Second Coming of
Christ. Maybe they were saving that for the sequel?
|
| Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972) | Bandit Queen (1994) |
 Sweet, bird murdering, baby Jesus - I can't say enough good things about
this low budget zombie flick from the director of Porky's and A Christmas
Story (That must be some resume you have, Bob Clark). The plot involves a
group of young, degenerate actors (played, convincingly, by a group of
young, degenerate actors) who come to an abandoned island for the sole
purpose of raising an army of the undead. Alan Ormsby, as the
red-white-and-blue pants wearing (I can in no way overstate the pure fight
value of Alan's pants) owner of the theatrical troupe is perfect as the
kind of Machiavellian character that wouldn't become popular in movies for
another ten years. Featuring Gay grave robbers, pants wetting (not the
red-white-and-blue pair), and one of the best on-screen freak-outs
(courtesy of Alan's real-life wife, Anya); CSPWDT gives Night of the Living
Dead a run for its money as the best zombie film made by humans.
|
 Those of you whose idea of Indian cinema involves a bunch of good looking
young people yodeling to what sounds like a Casio keyboard stuck on demo
mode, are in for a rude surprise. Bandit Queen is one long, hard beat-down
of a movie that becomes even harsher when you realize that it's based on a
true story.
Watch in disgust as Phoolan Devi gets the shit-end of the stick courtesy of
the Hindu Caste system (The next time some yahoo starts to blather about
the beauty of Eastern religion, stem 'em down and turn this on.). She was
forced into a marriage while she was still a child, repeatedly beaten and
raped ? even after she escaped from her husband -, finally she took to the
hills to head her own gang of bandits. Consider it the ultimate "Woman's
Film". One that very few women, sadly, have seen. Meanwhile, Thelma and
Louise continues to make money while this film remains banned in many parts
of the world. |
| Lord Love a Duck (1966) | The Warriors(1979) |
 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Everybody, or at least everybody in Hollywood, was on drugs in the Sixties.
How else can you explain a film like Lord Love A Duck? This movie isn't
even about drugs, yet it leaves the viewer with that "weekend in Amsterdam"
feeling. Roddy McDowall falls for Tuesday Weld (Can you blame him?). Of
course it's an unrequited love. I'm a sucker for movies about unrequited
love. Like a shoot-out, unrequited love is one of those things that you
don't wanna experience in real life, but is so compelling on the screen. Roddy's attempts to give Tuesday everything she wants leads to one of the most disturbing scenes in film history - Tuesday and her estranged father, "getting high" on cashmere sweaters ("Peach Put-On" "Periwinkle Pussycat.") and the making of the epic "Bikini Widow". Lord love A Duck also features Ruth Gordon, Harvey Korman, and one of the best theme songs EVER. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
|
 Hello, Boppers. It took Anabasis by Xenophon about 2,400 years to make it from the page to screen. And when it did, it was no longer about 10,000 Greeks trying to battle their way home across Asia Minor; it was about 10 gang members trying to fight their way back to Coney Island. Oddly, the story loses nothing in the translation. This films drips with menace from the moment the opening credits start to roll. Filled with references to Greek heroes (characters name Cyrus, Ajax, and Paris) and surreal street gangs (a gang dressed like the NY Yankees and another gang that fights on roller skates). DO NOT miss The Orphans - a minor gang that actually carry around their press clippings, or the "trip to the isle of Lesbos". David Patrick Kelly, as the leader of The Rouges, steals the movie by chanting "Warriors come out to plaaaaayyy." |
| Night of the Hunter (1955) | Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949) |
 Shelley "Wild in the Street" Winters' whole body's just a-quiverin' with cleanness. Why? Because she's just married "preacher" Robert Michum (Even though the Reverend knows that the Lord hates perfume-smellin' things, lacy things, things with curly hair.). Bob's plan is to find the stolen money that Shelley's late, bank robber, husband hid. This is the only film ever directed by Charles "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" Laughton. Rumor has it that he also did an unaccredited re-write of the script. This is one disturbing flick and I heavily recommend it. |
 Without a doubt, Kind Hearts and Coronets is the greatest revenge flick of all time. It's also one of the best killing spree films of all time. And it's one of the best comedies of all time. I used to say the same things about Death Wish until a buddy explained to me that Death Wish isn't supposed to be funny. Who knew? Moving on, the story revolves around Louis Mazzini attempts to kill off the member of the aristocratic English family (All of whom are played by Alex Guinness) that disowned his mother for marring and Italian Opera Singer. In order to kill them, Louis has to get close to them because, as he puts it. "It is so difficult to make a neat job of killing people with whom one is not on friendly terms." |
| Tokyo Decadence (1992) | Wild in the Streets (1968) |
Some movies never live up to their promise. Where were the chariots in Chariots of Fire ? For that matter, where was the fire? Don't even get me started about XXX. Tokyo Decadence promise two things - Tokyo and decadence - it delivers plenty of both (OK, it delivers a chunk of Tokyo and plenty of decadence.). It tells the story of a very unhappy Japanese sex-worker. It's the film responsible for the catch-phrase "I'm a horny business woman." Director Ryu Murakami is also the author of Almost Transparent Blue. A book in which, in almost every chapter, someone vomits. |
 This is the movie that made me (I was about 10 the first time I saw it) want to be a Rock Star. Not a musician, mind you, a Rock Star. It's the story of Max Frost (formerly Max Flatow), a Rock Star who gets the voting age lowered to 15, is elected President, and puts everyone over 30 (including his mother - Shelly Winters in the role of a lunchtime) in concentration camps. Look for Richard Pryor as Stanley X (Malcolm's cousin?), Max's drummer. And don't miss Max's hook-handed bass player. Sally Leroy, Sally Leroy - She's old enough for Congress, boy! |
| The Ruling Class (1972) | Barfly (1987) |
 Arguable, this may be Peter O'Toole's (what kind of mad man would call himself "Peter O' Toole"? That's a porn star name, for Christ's sake) best movie. After the death of his father (a member of the House of Lords), Peter inherits his estate and title. The only problem is that Peter thinks he's Jesus Christ. The scene with Peter on the cross by the indoor pool is, alone, worth the $3.50 it'll cost you to rent this. |
 Mickey Rourke ("Star" of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man - a film so bad that I won't even watch it.), in the role that he was born to play, proves beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt that being a bum is hard work. You wouldn't believe the hassles this guy has to go through just to get drink. Fortunately, Mickey has effective time management skills. By not showering, brushing his teeth, or changing his underwear, Mickey creates enough free time to sleep with Faye Dunaway and fight Frank Stalone (Rocky's brother). |
| Badlands (1973) | The5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953) |
 Now here's some primo irony for ya'. Martin Sheen, the guy who plays the President on the West Wing, got his big break with this movie - playing a serial killer. Badlands is based on the real-life killing spree of Charles Starkweather. Sissy Spacek plays Martin's girlfriend. Here's the math: Pres. Martin Sheen + Sissy Space-out + killing spree = great movie. The scene where Martin and Sissy "dance" around the campfire to the strains of "Love is Strange" will stick with you forever. Yeah, I know, they used that song in Dirty Dancing - but that's just another reason to kick Patrick Swayze's ass. |
 Sweet and sour Jesus, did somebody put LSD in the water system? Written by Dr. Seuss, this may be one of the most subversive movies ever made. It's about a young boy's attempt to overthrow his piano teacher, who is planning to force 500 children to play the world's largest piano. It contains two men - joined at the beard - who fight on roller skates (like in The Warriors!), Hans Conried singing "C'mon and dress me, dress me, dress me", and some of the strangest scenery since Dr. Caligari. Happy Fingers! |