Incredibly Biased Gubernatorial Election Special

   I was getting ready to go meet Ken Krawchuk for beers when I checked my e-mail and found an invitation from Paul Kircher for me and the other former Dead Milkmen to appear on his talk show with candidate Fred Rendell. I immediately e-mailed back to say that I'd love to be on the show, but - that as a member of the Green Party - I was planning on asking Mr. Rendell some questions about his support of NAFTA (very bad) and his lack of support for campaign finance reform (very bad, indeed) that he might not want to answer. I also asked if I could bring along my new friend, Ken Krawchuk. Then I went up the street and had several beers and a very spirited debate with Mr. Krawchuk (We disagree heavily on privatization vs. socialization).
   I few days went by before I again heard from Paul Kircher. He contacted me to say that it might not be the best idea to have Fred Rendell and I on the show (apparently Mr. Kircher had gotten a look at this very web site). Hey, it's his show. He can do want he wants - I've got no problem with that. He suggested that it might be fun to have Ken Krawchuk and me on together. I wholeheartedly agreed. Emails were exchanged and calls were made. Ken and I were scheduled to appear on WWDB, 860am at 3:00pm on October 30th - Mischief Night!
   And then three very weird and disturbing things happened in rapid succession.
   The first was that Ben Schumin started selling thongs with his picture on them. Gentle reader, below is a picture of a beautiful sunset - if you place your mouse over this lovely scene, you'll see a picture of the "regular" Schumin thong accompanied by the "Chef Schumin" thong. rodneyanonymous.com is NOT responsible for any blindness, insanity, or erectile dysfunction that may result from viewing Schumin thongs. My advice? Look at the pretty sunset, and then just read on. OK?
   The second weird/disturbing thing to happen was that Mike Morrill, in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer, said that Ken Krawchuk had the principles of a 3-year-old. Well, actually, what Mr. Morrill said - I was later to learn - was that he considers his three-year-old son a Libertarian, since everything is about him. A harmless joke. But you know how these things can snowball. ("Um, Rodney?" you might be saying at this point "for a guy that belongs to the Green Party, you sure haven't had a whole lot about Mike Morrill in your story." Well, that's mainly because he never wrote me back. That's right; my own party was failing to acknowledge my existence).
   Now I had a huge problem (two, if you count those Schumin thongs). I was worried that Ken would hear about Mike Morrill's comment (mangled, as it was) and bring it up on the air. Third Parties face enough problems, we don't need to be fighting each other. I decided to nip this in the bud by sending Mike Morrill a heartfelt email telling him how much I admire him and asking for a statement of unity (a sort of olive branch) that I could bring to Mr. Krawchuk. After all, weren't we all working toward the same goal - greater democracy for everyone?
   Mike Morrill never wrote back. Maybe I shouldn't have wished him a "merry Parish Silva?"

Have You Seen Me?

Michael Morrill Missing - Presumed Elected

   Just as this was happening, Ken Krawchuk made the news in a pretty weird way. During the debates Ken tore a dollar bill into small pieces to demonstrate either the fiscal inefficiency of using federal tax dollars to fund state government programs or his own strength. I'm still not sure which. Anyway, for some reason (and I'm kinda vague on this, too) the Associated Press ran a report that Ken had violated federal law with his one-man dollar killing rampage.
   Mr. Krawchuk then held a press conference in which he paid for his lunch using torn up bills that had been taped back together. Said Mr. Krawchuk:

"See? They're still usable. Any child would know that, but apparently not my lawyer opponents.
I can't help but wonder if Mr. Fisher [I'm not sure who this "Mr. Fisher is] and Mr. Rendell are now going to call for the arrest of all the children and teachers who visit the Franklin Institute Science Museum in Philadelphia, or all the state fairs that have machines that 'mutilate' pennies by turning them into souvenirs? These guys should get a life."

   Yeah, things were getting weird. And Ken and I were due to appear on the Paul Kircher show in just a couple of days.

Part Four: We Want The Airwaves