Incredibly Biased Gubernatorial Election Special

Ken Krawchuk "A handgun is a girl's best friend."

   Those of you who watched the first debate will, no doubt, remember Ken Krawchuk as the man who said "A handgun is a girl's best friend." Ken is a Libertarian, which basically means that he believes in the privatization of just about everything (bad), and freeing and pardoning all non-violent drug offenders (good).
   Here's a little bit of the email that I sent to Ken (I like this part because it involves a lot of copying and pasting, as opposed to writing - which is time consuming and doesn't always yield the desired results):

Dear Mr. Krawchuk;
   First, let me congratulate you on your highly energetic performance in the 1st gubernatorial debate. I'm voting for Mr. Morrill, but I liked what you had to say about freeing non-violent drug offenders. I didn't think that you went far enough with your privatization platform, however. I think that the police should be privately owned (some might say that they already are) and that they should charge on a sliding scale. Having the cops solve a mugging, for example, would cost $150. While having them crack a murder would set you back $1,100.

   OK, so I was being a bit of a wise-ass. Anyway, here's Ken's reply - and it's a good one:

Rodney:
   Hi, and thanks for getting in touch. Cool website, too.
   With a view like yours on private police, you sound much more Libertarian than Green. If you're voting for Mr., Morrill because he's green, allow me to point out that I'm much greener than he is. He opposes the electric choice which brought Green Mountain Energy to Pennsylvania, calling it a plan by Enron. I favor your being able to choose green and non-nuclear energy. He also panders to big business with his small-business-killing $12 minimum wage. With all his socialistic policies, he's more red than green.
   One of my proudest environmental achievements was to save open space here in my hometown of Abington by using private funds, not by picking the pockets of my neighbors. As I mentioned in the debates, I'm a big camper, camping out all along the campaign trail. I estimate that in my 49 years I've spent over 2,000 nights out camping, and in fact my wife and I first met on a camping trip. In any measure, I'm greener than the Green and unlike the Green, I avoid any incorporation of the Communist Manifesto in my platform.
   Getting to your questions, they look geared toward me, not Mr. M. I submit the following for your consideration:[Nice "Night Gallery" reference]

1. What would you say is the hot (not most important, but the real attention getting)issue of this election?

Pardoning the pot-smoking Grateful Dead fans rather than releasing murderers and rapists from our overcrowded prisons to make room for them. It always gets the biggest cheer at any event I attend.

2. What is the most important issue that, in your opinion, the press is ignoring?

None of the other candidates are saying where the $billions are to come from to pay for their programs. The only way they can pay for their agendas by picking the pockets of Pennsylvanians, and they refuse to admit it, and the press has so far refused to press the issue. I'm the only candidate speaking out for the interests of Pennsylvnaia's taxpayers.

3. How do you plan to appeal to politically apathetic Pennsylvanians ?

Head on. Although 2/3 of the electorate has been disillusioned by the two old parties to the point of not participating, that public apathy can be used in my favor. In a competitive, 3-way race, fewer than 1 million people will choose the next governor of Pennsylvania, so all it will take to achieve Libertarian victory is for me to attract the vote of one in eight voting-age Pennsylvanians. See my plan to end the drug war under "issues" on my website at www.KenK.org for more details.

4. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be Governor of Pennsylvania. I mean, sure Philly's nice, but look at the rest of the state...

And it's beautiful, espcially when you spend it camping on the campaign trail in the height of fall colors. Have you ever camped on the beach of Lake Erie at Sara's campground on Presque Isle???
Why do I run for Governor? We're putting innocent people in jail and releasing the guilty. We're seizing assets without a trial or conviction. Taxes have risen at 3.5 times the rate of inflation since 1964 -- almost 40 years! -- and once I'm governor that trend will end. I'll veto all tax increses, return illegally-forfeited assets, end parole for violent criminals, and pardon all non-violent drug offenders.
Nobody else is doing it, or even suggesting it. It's something that the Governor has the unilateral power to do, so I guess I'll just have to do it myself. Please vote for me.

5. Maryann or Ginger?

Maryann. Definitely Maryann.

   Not bad. Although, Ben Schumin and I went with Ginger, I don't know if there really is a right answer for that last one. Anyway, I decided that, despite our political differences, I sort of liked Ken Krawchuk. We started writing back-and-forth. Here are some snippets that deal with the highly charged issue of Gilligan's Island:

(from Ken to me)
P.S. I had considered "Mrs. Howell" as a humorous answer to your question #5, but I took it instead as a serious question. Now you have me wondering: would the Skipper be considered "private police"? ;-)[From this point forward, whenever someone asks me "Maryann or Ginger" I'm gonna say "Mrs. Howell"!

Part Three: Things Get A Whole Lot Weirder