As many of you know, last month I became horribly ill. I say "as many of you know" because I mention the fact that last month I became horribly ill an average of forty-five time every hour. Oddly, one facet of my recovery has involved me crashing on the couch, for hours at a time, wrapped only in the warm glow of HBO. This valuable time has allowed me to formulate my Rules's Of Entertainment . The first of which is: Watching HBO is like bobbing for apples in the toilet. You might come up with a delicious Granny Smith clasped between your teeth, but, hey, you got it out of the toilet, asshole. In other words, you may catch a great episode of OZ

Adebesi from HBO's OZ    Attention Younger Readers:    If you go to jail, there's    roughly an 85% chance that    your cell mate will look    just like him.

or The Wire but since your still watching TV you'll have deal with crap like Arli$$ *
     July was Tim Curry month on HBO. Actually, July was unofficial Tim Curry month. To have an official Tim Curry month would require a three-quarter majority vote in Congress … and the corroboration of Tim Curry. Strangely, according to semi-aware Senator Rick Santorum, this would be considered a Jewish holiday. I have nothing against Tim Curry. In fact, I thought he was great in The Hunt For Red October and …um…did I mention The Hunt For Red October ? Sadly, HBO decided to focus on (By "focus on" I, of course, mean show over-and-over again until my fucking eyes bled.) the following of Tim's films: Charlie's Angels, Congo, The Three Musketeers, and - the unspeakably bad - McHale's Navy.

Above: Tim Curry as "Fiddler" in Roots - The Musical. While below and to the right... that's it - there - Edward Furlong looks really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, baked.

     Tim, and after sitting through Congo, I feel that I can call you "Tim", if you're reading this - and statistics show that you are** - you need to memorize the second of my Rules Of Entertainment before you sign-on-the-dotted-line for McHale's Navy II - The Mission To Rescue Anne Frank. Rule number two is: If your name appears in the credits below Tom Arnold's, it's time to fire your agent .
     Personally, I can't hear Tom Arnold***'s

Tom Arnold, "star" of McHale's Navy and my nightmares. According to the Internet Movie Database Tom's "Currently promoting his marriage web site (marrytom.com) by crosscountry inspections on women who want their chances at sleeping with a Hollywood actor."... or Tom Arnold

name without thinking of that scene in Animal Factory where he sticks his finger up Edward Furlong

Edward Furlong. He obviously was too baked to read the entire script of Animal Factory.

(forever known as "The kid from Terminator II")'s ass. Thanks for the nightmare fodder, Tom. Hey, if you've never seen Animal Factory then you should know that it was directed by Mr. Pink, Steve Buscemi, and stars William Dafoe,

William Defoe. He made a table- cloth for my wife, so that makes us like blood-bro- thers, dude!

who made my wife a lovely table-cloth, so I won't bad mouth him. You should also know that Animal Factory is responsible for the third Rule Of Entertainment: If a prison film - NOT a Women in prison film - made after 1970 features as many, or more, white prisoners as African-Americans or Hispanics then said film is total bullshit. Said film will also, most likely, feature a scene with Tom Arnold putting his finger someplace that'll cause you to wake up screaming."
     In fact, and this is the fourth Rule Of Entertainment, avoid all films that contain any of the following:

• Old people who skateboard/use computers/rap/don't spit or shit themselves
• Talking babies - no, just make that babies - period!
• A "Native-American Shaman" who explains to a little white boy that the Great Spirit, blah, blah, blah...
• Adam Sandler (unless, maybe, it's a snuff film)
• Horny Teenagers - especially when portrayed by people in their late 30's

Ed Norton kicks Brad Pitt's ass in Fight Club (and in real life.). In fact, the only thing that's keeping Ed from kicking your ass, right now, is the pile of women he's sleeping under!