The Secret History by Donna Tartt

THE SNOW in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation.
- The Secret History, prologue

     Go back and read that quote again. I'll wait. Done? You have to agree, that's a great opening line. It not only tells you that there's been a death, the name of the dead person and how long ago that death look place, but also that several people are more concerned about themselves (the gravity of our situation) than they are the deceased. The first half of the book leads up to Bunny's death; the second half deals with the consequences. Here's the poop:

     The story is told by Richard Papen, a twenty-year-old Californian who ends up in "Hampton" (It's Bennington, folks.) College in Vermont. His abilities with Ancient Greek land him in the company of the school's most reclusive students and there elitist Professor. A ritual that invokes RATYHTL's patron God, Dionysus, goes horribly sour and things spiral out to control. From that summery, you'd never believe that this is a very funny book, but it is. It's also only the second book that I've reviewed on this site to earn an A+. Very good, Ms. Tartt. You may sit up front, next to Mr. McCarthy. But there's something I need to warn you about - your fans.

     Donna - May I call you Donna? No? OK, Ms. Tartt, there is a web site out there that you should be aware of. It's called Donna Tartt Shrine , The web site itself is kinda nice. But the message board is scarier than Michael Jackson in a room full of pre-schoolers. In particular, the section of the message board called "The Secret History - The Movie" is extremely frightening. Donna, I mean Ms. Tartt, your novel was published in 1992 - eleven freakin' years ago. If it hasn't been turned into a movie by now, it's a pretty goddamn good bet that it never will. Life With The Poor has a better change of being turned into a movie. I know it; you know it, why don't the retards over at the Donna Tartt Shrine know it? Not only do these escapees from Bedlam think that the movie's going to get made "any day now", but they also have the most insane/stupid/delusional/half-assed/moronic ideas about the casting. What follow are actual quotes from the Donna Tartt Shrine Message Board. I've added "Reality Checks" for the sake of some goddamn sanity.

     "We know that Gwyneth Paltrow is Camilla, so that is a lock."
     Reality Check: OK, Madwoman of Chaillot, Gwyneth Paltrow is thirty-one-fucking-years-old. Camilla was 20. Even by Hollywood's standards, this is insane. You wanna see a lock? Check out the door to your padded cell.

     "We also know that the perfect Bunny is Philip Seymour Hoffman"
    Reality Check: Yeah, perfect in the Bizzaro World, asswipe. Bunny was 24, but looked younger. Philip Seymour Hoffman is thrity-fuckin'-five years old, but looks 43. Check you medication. You're supposed to be taking two of the blue pills and three of the red ones. Not the other way around.

     " But has anyone thought of Vincent D'Onofrio as Henry?"
     Reality Check: Why, I'm sure lots of people have. Particularly the ones wearing tinfoil hats and adult diapers. Vincent D'Onofrio is forty-four years old. Forty…four…years…old. Henry was twenty-one. What's wrong with this picture? Did you even read the book? Are you acid? If you had even the slightest idea of how stupid this idea is, you would quit society and go live in a cave from the shame.

     " Why not the gorgeous Christina Applegate?"
     Reality Check: I'll tell you why not - she's thirty-two, ass-monkey.

     " Cate Blanchett would be good. Maybe Gillian Anderson"
     Reality Check: I'm not even going to dignify this with a comment - so there.

     The time had come for someone to put their foot down. And that someone was none other than Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski. Fongo posted the following:

I had a bad feeling when I found out that Henry Winkler had picked up the project. Winker, who is of course best know as TV's "Fonzie", last directed a movie called "Cop & ˝" starring Burt Reynolds. Well, I'm sad to say that feeling was justified. Yesterday, Winkler announced that he has cast comedian, Scott 'Carrot Top' Thompson as Francis and is currently "in talks" with actress Claire Danes about the role of Camilla. When asked if the script would depart from the book, Winkler said only that the roles of the FBI agents would be "greatly expanded" and that a new character (perhaps to be played by Reynolds) would be introduced. This new character would attempt to "Talk some sense to the young killers."

Donna Tart, what happened? A RATYHTL Investigation.
Above: The "old" Donna Tartt bore a striking resemblance to ubber-babe Sherilyn Fenn. The "new" Donna Tartt (Below) looks disturbingly like Oscar Wilde.