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| Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski pictured with his latest family shortly before the tragic events at "Jungle Joe's Drive-Thru Safari." |
Not only is Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski the most requested graduation speaker in
America and a prolific author (Both "An Open Letter to the Retarded" and
"Off-Colour Remarks About Jews - An Anthology" will be published, this
Spring, by Viking Press), he is also the proud owner of a Filipino email
account - one that gets lots and lots of mail.
As a lifelong Republican, Fongo was tickled pink to receive an email from the Deputy Chairman of the RNC, Jack Oliver. Odd that Jack still hasn't written back.
Dear Deputy Chairman Oliver;
I can't begin to tell you how pleased I was to receive your informative email ("Senate Held Hostage"). It's great to see the RCN take a proactive stance and stand up to those lazy, welfare loving, Democriminals 
(you can use that term, if you want.). It truly warms my heart because, not only am I a lifelong Republican, but so are all the members of my coven.
I couldn't agree with you more that the Democriminals' refusal to turn over the leadership of the Senate has delayed President Bush's efforts to create jobs and grow our economy. The Members of my coven (The Altoona Wolf-Ghosts) and I have cast many spells to sway the Dem's thinking, but there seems to be some very powerful "White Magic" opposing us. Please rest assured that we will redouble our efforts at the next full moon.
So how are things in DC? Dick Army tells me that there is an abundance of wolf's bane growing along the Potomac. By the way, if you bump into Trent Lott, please thank him for the toads, and eye of newt. He is a true patriot.
Once again, thank you and keep up the good work. Soon the streets will ring with the cries of the unbelievers.
Incantationally yours,,
Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski
Fongo actually called me at work to tell me about this one. Imagine Jerry's joy as he checked his inbox and saw the following email: "Toilet Paper That Talks - On Sale Now!" I'm including a picture of the advertisement simply because this is the stupidest fucking thing that I've ever seen - and I'm on my second Bush administration.
That's right; it actually says "It's like having bathroom voice mail." Dazed, I could only suggest to Fongo that he write back to say that he already had one. I'm glad I did. What follows is pure (and somewhat racist) Fongo:
Dear Sirs;
First, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jerry Fongowski and I am not only the proud owner of Fongo’s on the Square (Philadelphia’s finest seafood restaurant and the original home of Squid-on-a-Stick), but also the owner of several Talking T.P.s (Seven, at last count). So you can see that I was very excited to learn that I could now purchase your amazing product over the internet instead of from my former Brother-in-law, Mitch (Sometimes I feel that Mitch blames me, and not the wolves, for the death of his sister – my third wife. But that’s a whole story in itself.)
The reason that I’m writing (other than to praise your fine product – dare I say “Scientific achievement in the area of artificial intelligence”?) is to pass along a funny incident that happened in my restaurant and involved your wonderful product (Please feel free to use this anecdote in your advertising. Please don’t feel obligated to credit its source, however, if you do mention Fongo’s on the Square, be sure to make note of the fact that we are the original home of Squid-on-a-Stick).
I have quite a few employees (25, to be exact) who work in the kitchen of my restaurant. In order to make sure that they wash their hands after “making number two”, I installed your amazing technological innovation in our employees’ bathroom. I then recorded a message (By the way, and this is in no way a reflection on you supra-fantastidific product, you may want to advise users to record their messages before they install your splendid product. This will save them the indignity of getting down on their hands and knees in the bathroom. I was half way through my “first take” of the message when I noticed a “floater” in the toilet bowl, which was not more than a foot-and-a-half away from my head.) telling employees to make sure that they washed up after using the porcelain unmentionable. The message actually said, quite wittily – if I may say so myself, “If you’re gonna wipe, then you gotta wash” (you can use that, too, if you want.).
The Talking T.P. was in place not more that fifteen minutes before one of my employees (Number Twenty-three, or “Juan” as he is known to some of his coworkers) came running out of the bathroom, with his pants around his ankles, screaming “Madre del dios! The Casa de la mierda, she is possessed by el Diablo!”
Well, I can’t tell you how long we laughed (Actually, I can – it was eleven minutes. I had to dock several of the employees). When employee number twenty-three returned with a Priest, the laughter started up again. And, after everything had been explained, even the Father had to laugh at number twenty-three’s technological ignorance.
Well, that’s what happened, and it’s 100% true. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoy the logic-defying Talking T.P.
Sincerely,
Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski
Owner of Fongo’s on the Square
The original home of Squid-on-a-Stick
This one really needs no set up - but I'm gonna give it one anyway. Sending Fongo an email with a subject line that reads "Learn how to Hypnotize Anyone!" is like waving raw meat at a tiger.
Dear Suzy,
Thank you for your lovely offer of a chance to buy “How To Hypnotize”. I was so excited about this offer that ran home and began to write out a check. While writing the check, I happened to glance at my bookshelf. It was then that I noticed that I already owned a copy of “How To Hypnotize”, but I could not remember ever purchasing it. I quickly perused my personal library and discovered that I owned over twenty books about hypnosis, but 
could remember buying none of them! These titles include “Winning Thru Hypnotism”, “Exorcise Daemons With Hypnotism”, “Get Women With Hypnotism” (I don’t mind telling that I get plenty of women on my own, the old fashion way – with liquor!), and “Tame Wild Beasts With Hypnotism”. It seems that I also have a “Honk If You Love Hypnotism” bumper sticker on my car. Pardon my French, but what the Heck is going on here?
Hypnosis, like ventriloquism, is a right not a privilege. It should be used ONLY to benefit the public (and, only occasionally, at parties) and not to trick people into buying books, bumper stickers, or minor league baseball teams (I assure you that you will be hearing from my lawyer about the “Lancaster Hypno-Sox”).
I have many more complaints about your publication, but my lids are getting heavy – very heavy - and I must sleep now.
Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski
Nothing slows Fongo down. I'm not sure how it happened, but Fongo was added to the mailing list for an Asthma newsletter that contained "a wealth of information, advice, and relevant news "to keep Fongo abreast of issues addressing his health and lifestyle. Never short on information and advice of his own, Fongo wrote back (With a nod to former Milkmen bass player and long-time Asthma sufferer, Dave Blood):
Dear Medical persons,
I recently subscribed to your Asthma Newsletter, and, although the newsletter contains a wealth of information, advice, and relevant news (in letter form) to keep me abreast of the issues affecting my health and lifestyle, I feel that I may’ve made a mistake subscribing to it. You see, I thought that I had asthma when it turned out that I had something very different – rabies. Please understand that I don’t blame your excellent newsletter (or the wealth of information contained therein) for my confusion. I blame the rabid animal (Fred Lettuce, my rabbit) that infected me. Needless to say, once I began to foam at the mouth and fear common tap water, I began searching the internet (alphabetically) for the nature of my ailment. Since my breath was getting short and my vision blurring, I “settled” on Asthma (After rejecting both AIDS and Arthritis) and sent away for your newsletter (before passing out). 
The great irony is that Fred Lettuce was the instrument of my salvation. Earlier in the year, I had, on a lark, trained Fred to dial 911 in the event of an emergency. So, as you see, everything worked out in the end. Which brings me to the purpose of my letter.
I know that most people with Asthma can't keep pets (I learned this while reading your excellent newsletter during my recovery), however I also know (again from information gleamed for your wonderful newsletter) that Asthma survivors (let’s not think of “ourselves” as “victims”) most often dial 911, but are sometimes too weak to do so. The solution? Shaved rabbits! Please consider this excellent (I think, anyway) idea for further inclusion in you terrific newsletter. Just remember to spell my name right (that’s a little joke). Speaking of jokes, have you ever considered adding an “Asthma humor” section to your newsletter? If so, I know lots of good Asthma (and a few rabies) jokes.
Thank you and good luck in curing Asthma,
Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski
Fongo was thrilled to learn that he may've won $2,500. He was even more thrilled at the prospect of making a new friend, a woman named either Barbara or Andrea (depending on rather you read the "From" line or the return e-mail address). Here's Fongo's reply:
Dearest Barbara (Andrea),
Words cannot describe how much your email brightened my otherwise dreary day. To think that I, Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski might be the winner of $2,500. And after the recent tragedies that have plagued my life. I know 
that we’ve never met, Barbara(Andrea), but I somehow feel that we’ve established a special “bond”. I’ve never told anyone this before, Barbara(Andrea), but I have a sneaking suspicion that the camping accident that claimed the lives of my last family was no accident. How could those wolves just “get loose” from their pens? And how could they lock themselves back in again? I’m no Forrest Ranger, Barbara(Andrea), but I’ve watched enough “Animal Planet” to know a thing or two about lupine behavior!
What do you think? Do you think that I should forget about it and just move on? After all, I’ve remarried and started over, but my new family keeps begging me to go camping. Oh, Barbara(Andrea), I know that the odds against such a thing happening are at least twenty-to-one, but I still have my fears. Oh, dearest Barbara(Andrea), please tell me what to do
Reaching out to you,
Jerry “Fongo” Fongowski