AnthroCon

     Some ideas are born bad. "I think I'll go to the Constitution Center and get drunk", for example. Others start off as really good ideas, but never really pan out. This report falls into the latter category.

     One day, while perusing the forums over at Portal of Evil, it was brought to my attention that AnthroCon takes places in Philly. What is AnthroCon? , you may well ask. AnthroCon is billed as the largest gathering of Anthropomorphics, or - as they're more commonly known - "Furries" in the world. How could I pass up the opportunity to plumb the depths of an often ridiculed and misunderstood subculture … oh and make fun of some freaks in animal costumes?

     Tape recorder in hand, I strode into the lobby of the four-star hotel where AnthroCon is held every year. People with fake animal ears and tails were milling about looking rather harmless. In the middle of the lobby sat a family who were obviously not there for the convention and had that "What the Hell is wrong with these people" look plastered all over their faces. I'm an old punk, I've seen that look on people's faces plenty of times before. I was actually beginning to sympathize with the Furries. I was still gong to make fun of them, but it was going to be a little harder than before.

     I sought out some Furries to interview and soon found five of them (A dragon, a fox, a bat, a cat and a dog) sitting on a couch. I questioned them about Kitsumes (multi-tailed Furries), yiffing (Furry sex), and "The infamous Raccoon Song". I have to admit that, despite my being an incredible smartass (I had the dog answer yes or no quest inions by barking or growling and inquired if Anne Coulter was a Furry); they were all very polite and genuinely nice. As I thanked them and walked away I was starting to feel a little bad about the total hatchet job I was about to do on their lifestyle. And that's when Makado came into my life.

    Outside of one of the hotels conference rooms were a small TV and VCR that showed an "instructional" video about the finer points of Makado. Makado is a "game" in which points are scored by hitting lighted posts with a stick. Look for it in the Summer Olympics. The video for Makado is one of the worst/most wonderful things that I've ever seen. There are no Furries in the video, but that's the only frightening element it lacks. Basically, the video consists of a white-bread man and woman teasing each other about who can score the most Makado points (Loser [and that could mean either of 'em] buys dinner). Hepburn and Tracy they ain't.

    I stuck my head inside the "Makado Room" just in time to witness a grown man in a head-to-toe wolf costume bravely battling three blinking posts. No amount of alcohol will ever be able to burn that vision from my brain.

    What were the Furries outside of the Makado Thunderdome doing? They started making fun of the video. Just like normal smartasses would. I interviewed one of them and he explained to me that the term "Furry" means different things to different Furries. Some Furries are just artists who are interested in the history of anthropomorphized animals (like the Sphinx), other feel a deep kinship towards a certain species of animal (there were many, many foxes there), and others are just post battering lunatics in $1500 wolf suits. The guy I interviewed was incredibly normal and truly nice, and I'm sure he's suffered many insults about his interest in Furrydom (Furryism?). I would've loved to talk to him some more, but I had to get a move on if I was going to trash this guy and all of his friends.

     Sadly, my sojourn into Furryland was suddenly cut short. I was approached by a man who identified himself as Event Security (Despite his lack of credentials, I believed him. Who would lie about that?) and asked me to accompany him to speak with the head of AnthroCon. I was honored. I thought I was about to get an exclusive interview. Instead, what I got was a lecture from a man in a lab coat covered with buttons about how the press was not welcome at AnthroCon due to their entirely rational tendency to make fun of adults dressed as animals.

    I assured him that it was never my intention to make fun of the Furries. In other words, I lied. He explained to me that Furries are today where Trekkies where twenty years ago - people like to make fun of them. I made the mistake of pointing out to him that people still enjoy making fun of Trekkies. Hell, I made one cry on the corner of 5th and Arch just like week. Dr. Furry informed me that I would now be escorted from the premises by Furry Security (the gentleman I'd met earlier). On the way out, Furry Security explained to me that AnthroCon is a private function and, since I wasn't invited, any recordings I'd made or photos I'd taken while on the premises could not be published or legal action would be taken. Picturing a lawyer in a zebra costume handing me a subpoena, I giggled my way out the door.

    It was really the Furries loss. The people that I'd interviewed had all been charming, witty, and likable. Oh well…

    I called Paul and explained what happened. "Well," he said "if you can't use the interviews you did, why not just call in and talk about it?" That seemed like a good idea to me. A few days later, I took a late lunch and called into the show. It didn't go as well as I thought it would.

    I called from a park and my notes were whipping around in the wind. I forgot to make some of the points that I'd intended to (The use of animal imagery with regards to sex ["She's a fox" "He's a stud"], for example).

    You can judge for yourselves how well it went. I've gotta climb into my wolf suit.

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