Awwww, screw Mumia

     Last week, despite being very, very (oh Hell, let's add another "very") ill, I managed to drag my sorry ass out to the Green Party rally in University City. I was hoping that the Greens would adopt the slogan I wrote: "Well, none of our interns are dead." as their official motto, so I showed up to cast my vote. I do a lot of slogan writing and, needless to say, I take my responsibilities very seriously. You know that homeless guy at the corner of Broad and South who yells "Fuck you." all day? I wrote that for him. Before I came along, he had no shtick, what-so-ever.

Above: Mumia explains proper "Fisting" techniques to his fellow inmates.

     The rally was going like wildfire. Pennsylvanian's next Governor, Mike Morrill, spoke (I tried to sell Mike on "Ed Rendell is a confessed cannibal and Mike Fisher humps puppies." as a campaign slogan. I haven't heard back from him yet, so let's all keep our fingers crossed.) Cheri Honkala from the Kensington Welfare Rights Union spoke. She got in the best line of the evening: "The wrong people are doing time in America." I liked that line so much I started building a time-machine. This way I can travel back a few months and say it first.
     Finally, the man himself, Ralph Nader (or "Jehovah" as he's called around the Anonymous household.) steps up to the podium and starts rippin' corporate America a new asshole. It was like watching a Southern Baptist preacher who suddenly discovered that his daughter was banging the Wu Tang Clan on top of a Satanic alter. Ralph was that fired up.
     About halfway through his speech, Ralph mentions the American penal (huh-huh) system, and that's when it happened. This fat fucktard who was sitting about five seats away from me screams out "Free Mumia." The good news is that nobody cheered. The bad news is that nobody - including your chickenshit author - stood up and shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut the fuck up you massive moron. Was your poor excuse for a mother so busy blowing sailors behind your trailer that she neglected to teach your ever-widening ass how to add two plus two? The bullet that killed Officer Faulkner came from Mumia's own gun. Even Mumia's ballistics expert has admitted that. A witness saw Mumia shoot Faulkner then sit on curb, you fat fuck. Neither Mumia's brother (who was there at the time.) or even Mumia, for that matter, have ever denied that Mumia killed Officer Faulkner - so shut your big, fat, scooter pie encrusted mouth, asshole. Daniel Faulkner was a working man. All he wanted out of life was to put in eight hours on the beat then go home to his wife. Mumia robbed him of that the same way that your grotesquely fat, 35 year old, 'professional student' body is rapidly robbing the Earth of it natural resources…asswipe. PS. you look like the 'Comic Book Store Guy' from The Simpsons, fatty."
     Do I seem a little angry? I'm a Socialist. I'm anti Death Penalty and pro Choice, and I think that the sooner the left drops Mumia as its poster-child the better. We Lefties love to talk about our support of the Working Class. Daniel Faulkner was a Working Class guy, where's our support for him. Working Class people may drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and worship NASCAR, but - being the most victimized segment of society - they can spot a murderer at five-hundred yards, and the Left will never win back their hearts and minds as long as we harbor a killer in our midst. We talk about building a colorblind society, but there are people who think that Mumia is innocent simply because he's an African-American. What an insult.

Above: Pasty, dough-like substance, G.W. Bush signs into law a bill sponsored by future election loser Mike Fisher that would make puppy molestation a PE option in both Pennsylvania and New Jersey.

These people are saying that people-of-color are too stupid to plan a crime. What bullshit. I used to shoplift with an Eskimo and an Australian Aboriginal.
     There are plenty of innocent people on Death Row. Unfortunately, for them, they don't have dreadlocks, a funny name, or - most importantly - a fan club. A few months ago the French (big surprise) made Mumia a citizen. Yes, the same country that made Jerry Lewis a national treasure. Who the fuck is calling the shots over there? On this side of the pond, Mumia gets to be the guest speaker at graduations, albeit a pre-recorded address, but that was only because Charles Manson was booked up.
     Look, if you still feel the pressing need to free somebody - how 'bout these guys. They're known as the West Memphis Three and, unlike Mumia, they were convicted on unbelievably flimsy evidence… in fact, I hate to use the word "evidence" here - there was more evidence at the Salem Witch Trials fer fuck's sake.

PS. My friend, Chuck Meehan, wrote this piece about some Italian Mumia supports that he encountered while working as the roadie for FOD.