Thoughtless for the Day

Hurdy Gurdy Tip # 438: String Hooks

Sat, 23 Jul 2011 23:10:37 -0500

Last time in "Hurdy Gurdy Tips", I showed you how to punch a hippie square in his ugly bearded face and then swipe his hurdy gurdy while he lays helpless, weeping and curled up like a hacky sack ball. I think we all enjoyed that and learned a little about the fragile nature of the human skull in the process.

This time, acting on the advice of my lawyer, I'll show you a way to deal with the pesky problem of how to isolate the melody strings on your gurdy (odds are that you have adjustable bridges for your drone strings. If not, you can pick them up here from the good folks at Hurdy Gurdy Crafters). I should also point that this is not an entirely original idea. As you can see below, L-shaped hooks have incorporated into many gurdies for the purpose of lifting, and therefore isolating, the melody strings.

Image via Wikipedia

My problem was that I couldn't find any L-shaped hooks which would work with Vienna (my gurdy). My solution was to use cup hooks (available at your local hardware store) instead. Judging from their size, there must be a great deal of tiny cups out there.

I installed the hooks on both sides of Vienna's keychest (those red eyes belong to my friend Jody) so that they rest above and to the left or right of melody strings.

This way, when I need to isolate a string (for tuning, for example), all I need to do is to lift the sting and place it in the hook.

I was in a hurry to get this done because my other band, 25 Cromwell Street, will be playing a benefit for Beth Ann Lejman (formerly of the legendary Philly punk/funk band The Stick Men) this Saturday, July 30th at Connie's Ric Rac.

Anyone found not to be in attendance will be forced to wear scratchy undergarments.

Pray Away the Short

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 18:21:56 -0500

Hello. My name is Rev. (thanks to a $20 "love offering" to the Church of Universality) Rodney P. Anonymous and I am an ex-short person. I'm here today...

"Wait a durn minute!" you're probably saying at this point. "How can you be an ex-short person? Doesn't your driver's license say you're only five-foot-five? Weren't you born short?"

First of all, no one is born short. Shortness is a lifestyle choice that short people make because they weren't exposed to enough positive tall role models during their childhood. Short people are barbarians who need discipline and...

"Aw for the Love of Crap!" you're more-than-likely screaming at your computer monitor right about now, "A freakin' lifestyle choice? Who, considering how our society treats short people, would actually want to be short? I mean, for one thing, don't short children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) tend to get picked on a lot?"

To that I can only answer: Hey, I'm just trying to make a buck here. OK? Don't ruin this for me by asking a bunch of sensible questions. Once I found out that Marcus Bachmann (shown below walking in the most manly manner possible and not looking at all as if he were auditioning for Ru Paul's "Drag Race") was running a "Pray Away the Gay" clinic that has raked in $137,000 in tax-payer buckaroos, I realized that if it was possible to pray away homosexuality, then it was equally as possible to pray away shortness. Just think; Truman Capote could've been cured from two afflictions at once if only Pray Away the Short (or P.A.T.S. for short, or ex-short as the case may be) had existed years ago!

Allllrighty, I can almost hear some of you asking, "But wouldn't it be better just to teach short people to accept who they are and to be happy? And wouldn't it be better if society just learn to treat short people with tolerance and equality. Shouldn't the parents of short children just be happy that their children (the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy) are healthy and not give a rat's hindquarters whether or not they marry another short person? Wouldn't that be better?"

Better? Certainly. More profitable for yours truly? Certainly not!

Now, those of you with little faith might also ask, "Isn't this a scam?" Well, if my clinic is a scam, then Bachmann's clinic is a scam. And if Bachmann's clinic is a scam, then why is his wife running for President? Huh? Got ya' there!

In conclusion, please continue to pray (and send money - don't forget the money!) for both my ministry as well as myself to grow bigger every day. With God's help - and $137,000 in Medicaid reimbursements - I could be playing center for the 76ers by this time next year.

Oh-man.

8-Bit By A Rabid Squirrel (Part Three Faces of Eve)

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 09:34:45 -0500

Our story so far: In Part One we learned how to add messed-up vocals and glitchy percussion to an 8-bit track, and while we didn't learn a whole lot about 8-bit music in Part Two, we did get to watch that sweet-assed POWERLIFTER video and learn what gives a song a "human" feel.

This time, we're gonna see if we make an 8-bit tune from scratch.

The first thing that we're going to need is a VST that can reproduce the simple sounds used to score 8-bit video games back in the 80's. And since we're all so broke that the soles of our shoes are so thin we can step on a piece of bubblegum and tell you what flavor it is, that VST should be free. Enter the LC 5000 (the pic below lies! The larger version can be found here)

Load the LC 5000 into your DAW de jour (I use FL Studio because I was teenaged hoodlum), and choose the preset called "Mr. Mapp". Phun Phactiod: I named this patch after my good friend, and musical legend (he once slew a frost giant), Dan Mapp.

Now we're going to re-visit the bassline from from Bitchin' Camaro that we looked at in Part Two. This time, instead of playing and recording the bass part, we're going to enter the bass notes one-at-a-time into the "piano roll", so that they look exactly like this:

See how neat and orderly the riff above looks as compared to that mess from Part Two? And look how much cleaner the the notation is:

And just get a load of how small Pablo's bald spot is! Let's stick some 8-bitish percussion under the riff and see how it compares to the earlier one. Here's the "original":

Bass run1 fretless by rodney-1

And here's the 8-bit version:

<="" embed="" height="81" width="100%">Bass run2 mr mapp by rodney-1

Not very interesting is it? Well, neither is your DNA. Seriously, your DNA is, quite frankly, boring! It's made up of just four crummy nucleotides. It's how those A's, G's, C's. and T's are arranged and mutated that make you you. If you mutate a few notes (and we have twelve to work with), you can turn a simple riff into a song. Let's add a very simple melody on top of the bass riff. Here it is:

And this is for those of you (snobs!) who can read music:

Here's how it sound put together with the bass riff & drums:

<="" param="" />Bass drums and melody1 by rodney-1

You can almost see a tiny 8-bit Prince Charles Manson leaping over magic mushrooms until he reaches the castle at Spahn Ranch and saves Princess Squeaky Fromme. OK, now it's time to build a song. We'll rearrange the parts a bit in order to have verses, choruses, and a break. Here's what the into, verse, and chorus sound like. The tempo is also a bit faster:

Intro verse chorus1 by rodney-1

Now. let's use a Gross Beat to do a little time manipulation as well adding a trance gate. If you string the whole thing together in Intro/Verse/Chorus/Verse/Chorus/Break/Chorus/Chorus/Outro fashion:

8 bit intro verse chorus etc by rodney-1

Now all we have to do is add few highly-processed vocals and we're done!

Shut Up Shannon by rodney-1

Well, it might not be high art, but the whole point was to learn a little bit about making 8-bit music. Now, if you're ever in a crowed place, and a madman marches in carrying a shot gun and announces "I'll kill anyone who doesn't have a a rough idea about how to creat a quick 8-bit song", you should be covered.

8-Bit By A Rabid Squirrel (Part Tu, Brute?)

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 22:07:02 -0500

Image via Wikipedia

Were where we? Oh yeah, we were talking about 8-bit songs and I showed you how I added some percussion and strange vocodery crap to an 8-bit version of "Stuart" a friend of mind recorded.And then we cuddled and I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, both you and my wallet were gone.

While I weeping into my soggy pillow, I got an email from Dandrew Stevens who plays bass in the Dead Milkmen, bodhran in 25 Cromwell Street, and - according to the link above - produced a film called "Mongolian Death Worm" (A true Renaissance man. Which would also explain the rapier and tights). Since Dandrew has a keen interest in all forms of music (except, quite understandably, Appalachian Hog-Trumpeting), he wanted to know just how one goes about creating 8-bit tunes.

I was certain that I could quickly answer Dandrew's question, right up until the moment I realized that I honestly have no idea how it's done. Look; that fact I act like I know everything,is no reason for you folks to infer that I actually know everything. Or anything at all, for that matter.

To be honest (and I really need to cut down on being honest), all I knew about 8-bit is what I gleaned from this sweeeet PowerLifter video...

[Seriously, is this the greatest country on earth, or WHAT?] ... and from
mind.in.a.box's awesomely wonderful and wonderfully awesome Retro CD.

The only other thing I knew about 8-bit was that it all seemed very counter-
intuitive. When I record a track using my DAW, I want it to sound as "Live"
and non-mechanical as possible. I'll show you what I mean using Dave
Blood's famous bass-line from Bitchin' Camaro.

If I want to record a few bars of the bass riff, the first thing I would do is to
load a realistic sounding bass into FL Studio (In this example I'm using the
fretless bass from FL Slayer). I would then record myself either playing along
to click track, and then add some drums, or I would lay down some drums
and then record the bass on top of that. Either way, the end product would
sound like this:

Bass run1 fretless by rodney-1

Now, this is where it gets (sort of) interesting. If you take a look at that bass
riff in the "piano roll" it looks like this:

Notice how the notes don't line up perfectly with the lines? This is because
I'm a doctor, not a TB-303, damn it! This is also what gives a track a "human"
feel (well, this and many pounds of cocaine). Here's what the bassline would
look like if you wrote it out in musical notation:

Those notes are all over the place! Won't someone bring order to this chaos?
Well, that's exactly what we'll try to do (along with traveling back in time and
killing Hitler with a fuzzy pink slipper) in Part Three!

Related articles

8-Bit By A Rabid Squirrel (Part Juan) (rodneyanonymous.com)
Homebrew 8-bit computer (boingboing.net)
8-bit Invader + Super Mario Projection Mapping (ntaboo.wordpress.com)
8-Bit Version of Rebecca Black's "Friday" (neatorama.com)

8-Bit By A Rabid Squirrel (Part Juan)

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:50:51 -0500

The other day, my buddy Patrick FunkEdelic Jennings posted the this on my Facebook page:

Dead Milkmen - STUART by FunkEdeliC KooPA

You might recognize that lovely melody as the Polovtsian Dance Number 2 (huh, huh "Number 2") by Alexander "Mo' bitches" Borodin, but did you know that it originates from a Dead Milkmen song called "Stuart"?

Anywhooo, one of the comments on Fezzzzbook suggested that I add some robotic vocals, which I did, along with some extra percussion. Oh, and I also needed to lengthen FunkEdelic's original version, as it was a verse too short.I decided to see if I could do all of that in under an hour. Here's the end result:

8 bit Stuart by rodney-1

And here's how I did in 59 minutes and 59 seconds:

First I needed to get my hands on FunkEdelic mp3 of the song. The free version of SoundCloud doesn't give you the option to allow downloads (you bastards!), so I used a a program called ARWizard (you can download the demo, which allows you to grab about three minutes worth of sound - which is approx. 9 Ramones songs - for free) to capture the mp3.

ARWizard looks like this, by the way:

And, yes, I could've asked FunkEdelic to send me the mp3, but the clock was ticking.

Now that I had the song, it was time to load it into my DAW of choice (which, for me, happens to be FL Studio) and do some weird crap to it. The first step was to insert an instance of Edison and then load the sample into that for editing.

As I said before, the version that FunkEdelic posted was missing a verse (or maybe our version was a verse too long? Who am I to judge?) I needed to lengthen to the sample. Fortunately, the first verse repeats itself, so I just found the right endpoint, copied what I needed, and appended it to the beginning of the song (if this sounds complicated, trust me; it wasn't. Remember; I'm not Rick Wakeman I play keyboards in the Dead Milkmen).

Now all I needed to do was to trim the section where the two parts met (can you hear the splice on the finished version? Listen to the bit right before "You know that Johnny Wurster kid...") and I had my backing track, which I then exported to the "playlist" (Don't worry; this will all make sense).

Since I can never leave well enough alone, I decided that the track could use some extra percussion, so I opened up Drumaxx, searched around a bit, and was happy to find a kit called "Computer Drums FG". Since I was down to roughly the 30 minute mark at this point, I decided to go with a preset rather than create my own drum part and...

Oh, sweet mutha of crap! I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you how I determined the tempo of FunkEdelic's mp3. I can be such an asshole sometimes. Edison has an auto-detect feature for tempos. Just right-click on the sample rate and it'll appear.

What? You thought I set there with a fuggin' metronome? What is wrong with you people?

Where was I? Oh yeah, after I added the drum parts to the playlist...

And the winner is...

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 11:02:00 -0500

Here's the winner of the Angelspit video competition. Which brings us to today's question: Why aren't Angelspit selling out stadiums?

A Brief History of God: the mini-movie

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 14:19:38 -0500

I wish I could carry this movie around with (OK, I guess if I ponied up and bought a smartphone, I could) and play it whenever I'm asked why I don't believe in God. Of course, it's always the God of Abraham that they're asking me about; it's never Zeus, Odin, or Ra.

Emergency Hurdy Gurdy Surgery

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 12:26:13 -0500

Image via Wikipedia

Warning: the following article will be of interest to the five or six hurdy gurdy players left on the planet. And, frankly, I don't think they're going to be blown away by it.

As many of you may have hear, my hurdy gurdy suffered a beer-related injury on Friday night at the John Train show at Fergie's during 25 Cromwell Street's set.

While I'm impressed with the the overwhelming outpouring of concern for my gurdy - in fact, Pope Benedict the Off-Putting has announced a that a special Mass will be said for my hurdy gurdy today - I really must step in and tell all of you that my gurdy is fine. Here's what happened and here's what I did to fix it:

Inexplicably, the my gurdy's crank slammed into a mic stand (by "inexplicably" I, of course, mean that it was totally inexplicable unless you pause to consider that I'd had a fee too many beers and was stumbling about not unlike ) causing the screw that turns the wheel to catch on the bushing through which the screw passing causing the whole thing to tear loose and...well, the result was this:

The wheel, the piece that holds the bushing, everything, had to come out, be examined, and then put back in, but in a better spot. This was not going to pretty.

What I ended up having to do was to move the wooden piece that holds the bushing back about four inches. This time I made sure to put washers between the screw and the wood as to decrease the odds of the screws tearing through the wood.

I really really wish I'd managed to get a recording of the my gurdy tearing itself apart because it really was the most remarkable sound.

So, despite being left with two ugly metal screws protruding from my gurdy (I'll have to search hardware & art supply stores for something to cover them with) as well several ugly holes in its body (remind me to pick up some plastic wood), this actually turned out to be a fortunate turn-of-events as the gurdy now sounds about a thousand times better than it ever did; resetting the wheel has allowed it to turn more truly. Maybe I should drink more often.

By the way, the next 25 Cromwell Street show will be in February.

Related articles

Aid Or Invade: Not for the Young or Elderly Edition

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:34:32 -0500

The latest Aid or Invade has been posted. I'm starting to think this column just might have a future

Oh, and Philly Fringe Fest reviews may be found here.

Remix the Washing Machine Drummer Contest

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 13:51:59 -0500

Have you seen the Drumming Washing Machine video yet?

If not, you just have. Anywhooooo, SYNTHGEAR is hosting a remix contest for the video above. Here's my entry, It's called "Possessed Washing Machine":

You can also listen to it from the player below (where I'm hoping to see some more entries):

SynthGear

Aid or Invade: Multiple Choice Edition

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 18:19:55 -0500

I don't want to brag, but I think this week's Aid or Invade is easily one of my better ones.

Keyboard Corner: Keyboard Coroner

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 23:27:49 -0500

Two weeks ago Vienna and I spent a lovely (unless you factor in the 100+ degree heat) Saturday morning at the Punk Rock Flea Market. Despite seeing hundreds (I'm not exaggerating. In fact, I've told you people a million times that I never exaggerate) of items I wanted to buy, I only made one purchase (cheap bastard): a vintage Horhner melodica:

OK, the picture is a little fuzzy (like most of my pics) but, when you consider my fondness for wine, I think it does a pretty decent job of conveying the scope of my purchase. So, how much did I pay for this piece of musical history? $5.

Of course, the $5 price tag was due to the fact that five of the twenty-six keys were stuck in the "open" position. Then why bother to purchase it at all? Well, the good news was that the melodica made a rattling sound when shaken. Tip: If you ever purchase a cheap, second-hand melodica, make sure that it produces a rattling sound, because that means whatever parts are broken are still inside.

Sure enough, when I opened up the melodica, I found five "free-floating" tangents which happened to correspond to the five "stuck" keys.

Another blurry photo? I really need to sober up! Anywhooooo, all that was needed was to glue the tangents back into place [Tip Number Two: Airplane glue + wind instrument = instant acid jazz].

Do those look like bad teeth to you? Where was I? Oh, yeah...once the tangents were fixed and dried, that just left cleaning off the numbers.

The previous owner had decided (sometime around 1972, from the looks of things) to mark each key with a number. I guess they figured that, should a confused ivory poacher make off with one of the plastic keys, this would make reporting the theft to the police much easier. "Yes officer, it was #7! For God's sake, please hurry!"

Here's what the melodica currently looks like:

Ah, but what does it sound like? If you're really interested (and you did read this far, after all), here are a few bars of Life on Mars. And no, I don't plan on fixing the key clicks, as I actually like those.

Ramones Night at KFN: The Movie

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:51:53 -0500

Thanks to everybody who turned out last Sunday to catch the talented TV Casualty and the not-so-talented me perform 20 Ramones tunes at Kung Fu Necktie. If you weren't there, here's a taste of what you missed:

Hey Ho Let's Go...to Kung Fu Necktie on Sunday, 7/25

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 09:12:34 -0500

Beta Testers Wanted

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:55:53 -0500

Are you tired of synthesizers being so damn expensive, and bastards always trying to steal your synthesizer because times are so bloody bad?

Then today is your lucky day, because the scientists at DM Laboratories in Tirana, Albania have finally completed work on the prototype of what will, hopefully, be the first Dead Milkmen VST: The LC 5000.

The LC 5000 is a four-operator, one algorithm synth which features on-board reverb, and LFO, filtering, and not a whole Hell of a lot else. But then again, it's free. You can download it here Then unzip the file to your vst directory. If you don't already have a DAW, may I suggest FL Studio (which I use) or Reaper (which is free).

Here's a tiny demo tune made uses patches from the LC 5000

The LC 5000 comes loaded with 32 custom designed patches:

Image via Wikipedia

1. Blood Bass. Nice and noisy; the way Dave liked it!
2. Smokin' Peels: A nice Farfisa-esque organ
3. Methodist: A lot lower and a little more percussive than Smokin'
4.Buzz E. Shoes: A buzzy synth
5. Doctor 5ssss: Try playing "Life on Mars" on it.
6.UVB-76
7. Life is Merde: Slightly orchestral synth
8. Air Cymbal: Does what it says
9. Low Boojays: Sounds like Joe's old "fan organ"
10. Perc E. Piano: My attempt at a Wurlitzer
11. Inharmonium: Much prettier than it should be
12. Ortho Orange 42: Eat your heat out Keith Emerson
13. Dandrew: Smooth, TR303ish bass
14. Clean snare: duh
15. Clean Kick: double duh
16. Church of CNR: Odd sort of pipe organ
17. PRG Accord: Play the accordion; go to jail. It's the law.
18. AfterTone: Atmospheric synth
19. In Progress: Chock on it, Wakeman.
20. The Swelling: Pad-ish synth. Not bad - really
21. Phaser: Sci-fi synth
22. Steam hat: an open (or maybe closed - I don't play drums) high hat
23. Clockwork: I'm sure that, one day, you'll find a use for this.
24. Knocking: It's like a visit from the Cybermen
25. Synth UK: One day you'll have to play "Love Will Tear Us Apart"; then you;ll thank me.
26. Roxy Keys: Try the riff from Remake/Remodel
27. JoeJack: Makes nice lead lines...ok...it makes strange lines.
28. Unlucky Man: Industrial-power synth
29. Rumbler: Probably my favorite
30. Gritty Kitty: More Industrial phun
31. Wreckner: For when you need something loud! Not for hippies.
32. Mr. Mapp: Kinda Vox-ish, kinda synth-ish

Please note that the LC 5000 is for Windows OS's ONLY, and that this is the beta version; therefore I am NOT responsible for any damage it might cause to your PC, laptop, or psyche. In other words: if smoke starts pouring out of your goddamn Dell, call the fire department; don't call me or Rick Wakeman.