Calling Dr. Love

     C'mon, admit it. At least three times this week you've said to yourself, "Where the Hell is Dr. Kevorkian when you really need him." Just yesterday I was stuck in line at the coffee shop behind some living fossil who was more interested in critiquing the various flavors of coffee ("Java Mocha? No, I don't want one of those. I had one once and I didn't like it. It gave me 'the trotts'")
Super hunky dream
hunk, Dr."Dream-
boat" Kevorkian
 than in actually ording a cup. I felt really bad for the kid behind the counter because, after the old bag spent forty-five minutes leading him down memory lane, she ordered a cup of tea (*sip* "Young man, this needs more lemon." *sip* "Is this all the sugar you put in a cup of tea?" *sip* "Oh, this isn't very good at all.") and didn't leave a tip. So, when I got up to the counter I sympathetically said to the kid, "Where the Hell is Dr. Kevorkian when you really need him." And, believe it or not, the kid was offended. He actually looked at me and said "I don't think that's funny." First, dickweed, I'm on - or was on - your side! Second, It's not like I said "Boy, it's a shame Hitler isn't still alive, isn't it? He did so many wonderful things. Why isn't he on a stamp?" Third, it was funny. I'm sorry that it wasn't presented by the Womyn's Guatemalan Workers Communal Puppet-Theater Group so that you could appreciate it, ass-monkey. So, now, not only do I wish that Kevorkian wasn't behind bars, I also wish that he'd run a two-for-one special.
     Please, don't misunderstand me. I like old people. Most old people are actually pretty decent. I know a woman in her 90's who is much wittier than most 30 year olds. The main reason that I like old people is because, on the whole, they're much angrier than...oh, let's say... Henry Rollins,
"Where are the pictures?"
Sadly, Henry's stint as the
"fifth Golden Girl" was not
to be.
for example. The reason that most old people are angry is that they can remember what it was like back before everything started to suck ass (Most archeologists now agree that things started to suck ass sometime around 1974 and that by 1982 everything had, pretty much, gone to shit.). So, you see, my problem isn't with old people. My problem is with Fucktards, Ignoroids, and Dipshits.
     Evolution, like the great, white buffalo, used to roam freely. Then, around the turn of the last century, Evolution and Society got into a serious pissing match. Society built schools, so that that stupid would have a safe haven in which to eat paste. Evolution made sure that the stupid got hit by cars on their way to school. Society hired crossing-guards. Evolution made sure that those guards were not only blind-as-a-bat, but senile to boot. And so it goes. Have you ever seen The Price Is Right? Well, that show is Society's way of making sure that even the most pathetic idiot in the world can win a trip to Europe if he or she knows the last two digits in the suggested retail price of Turtle Wax. To counter The Price Is Right Evolution gave us Dr. Kevorkian. Sadly, Society (who had been secretly sleeping with Bob Barker) tossed the good Doctor in the hoosegow.
     But fear not, gentle reader, for just as certainly as - at this very moment - a coked-up Hollywood producer is screaming "Find me the next Ben Affleck!...and some more blow." someone is screaming "Find me the next Dr. Kevorkian!...then blow me." And that someone is me.
     What will this new Kevorkian be like? Will he be young or old? Black or white? Short or tall? I don't know, but it's a pretty safe bet that he'll own a van.
      Oh, new Kevorkian, if you're reading this, I have only one piece of advice for you - please be more proactive than your predecessor. Don't just show up when you're called for (By the way, I think it's a shame that nobody ever praised the old Dr. Kevorkian for being the only doctor left who made house-calls); seek out those in need of your special talents. You know who I'm talking about. The lady at the mall who insists on telling her kid what a stupid loser he is. That old guy outside of Planned Parenthood - the one blocking the entrance. The Hollywood executives who green-lighted the TV version of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" (Sadly, I'm not making this up - There was a made for TV version of "The Lottery", filmed in 1996, that starred - get this - Dan Cortese. Yes, that Dan Cortese. He stops the lottery. I shit you not. He STOPS THE FUCKING LOTTERY. It's the same "The Lottery" that we all know and love, but only better because this time it's got a happy ending - and Dan Cortese.).
     Find them, new Kevorkian - find them all. Sit them down and, slowly explain to them that no amount of therapy or ass whuppin's will help them. They're too far gone. Carefully escort them into your van and hook 'em up to your suicide machine (Sprung from cages on highway nine. Chrome wheels, fuel injection, and steppin' out over the line). Then shut 'em down. Do it for them. Do it for the rest of us. Do it for the future. Do it for Dan Cortese. Just do it soon, ok?

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