Thoughtless for the Day

Wedded, Beheaded, Died, Divorced Beheaded, Survived

Susan Sontag died on Tuesday and her corpse wasn't even cold before
mouth-breathing dullards who aren't fit to polish her coffin began lining
up to take a NASCAR-fueled crap on her legacy.

Before I proceed, I should remind everyone that my fellow Leftists do a
lot of thing that piss me off. They wear Che Guevara T-shirts and scream
"Free Mumia" at potted plants and dust bunnies. Susan Sontag only did two
things that ever pissed me off. The first was, of course, her famous crack
that "the white race is the cancer of human history."

Sure, it was a stupid thing to say (particularly for a white person who
was later diagnosed with cancer) but at least she got to say it in the
Partisan Review. Shit Luther, many of the who've spent the better
part of this week ripping into Sontag would consider themselves lucky if
they managed to land a byline in Parade. Hell, a few months back
theses same idiots were praising Zell Miller, for fuck's sake. The same
Zell Miller, who, around the time that Sontag was calling the White race
a cancer, said that Lyndon Johnson was "a Southerner who sold his
birthright for a mess of dark pottage."

This doesn't make Sontag's statement less wrong, but it sure-as-shitting
doesn't make the mental midgets who've been engaging in her post-mortem
trashing any brighter.

You've probably already guessed that I was also pissed off by Sontag's
remarks, made in the The New Yorker, shortly after the 9/11 attacks:

"In the matter of courage (a morally neutral virtue): whatever may be
said of the perpetrators of Tuesday's slaughter, they were not
cowards."

I may have never had anything published in the Partisan Review
(But I do have a piece in the latest issue of Barracuda which, in my book,
is better) but it seems to me that one of the defining characteristics of
a coward is attacking people who can't fight back. Had the 9/11 hijackers
attempted to use unicycles to crash into a biker bar, then - maybe
- we could attribute some bravery to their actions.

Come to think of it, I kind of agree with Sontag that the 9/11 hijackers
were not cowards: they were pussies. Well, that's settled. Let's move on.

As pissed of as I was by the above part of Sontag's New Yorker
piece, it was the following that really got under the skin of the good
citizens of Mayberry (and punch-line-for-life Ed Kotch who said "Susan
Sontag will occupy the Ninth Circle of Hell for her outrageous assaults on
Israel. I will no longer read her works."):

"Where is the acknowledgment that this was not a 'cowardly' attack on
'civilization' or 'liberty' or 'humanity' or 'the free world' but an attack
on the world's self-proclaimed superpower, undertaken as a consequence of
specific American alliances and actions?"

Edit out that part about the attacks not being cowardly, and you have to
agree with Sontag…sort of. Had the US not spent the last quarter century
funneling money into Israel without demanding that that country adopt some
basic human rights policies (like stopping the use of torture), I doubt
that we would've been that high on al Queda's hit list.

Let's get this straight: the 9/11 attacks on the US were "collateral
damage" from a civil war within Islam.

The average Muslim believes in secular government, rights for women, and
the freedom to read any Allahdamned book you please. The problem is that
there are some Muslims who believe that all heads of state should have the
"Ayatollah" in front of their names and than anyone with more than an
eighth grade education is an effrontery to God. These assholes are willing
to kill to get their point across. Normally (and up until the occupation
of Iraq), these dickmunchers just killed other Muslims on sandy soil in
some Hubbard-forsaken part of the world. On Sept. 11th, 2001, they decided
to "broaden their horizons", so to speak (The real lingering
question about 9/11 isn't "could it have been prevented", but "how did
people who are so stupid ever learn to fly a plane in the first place?").

We have a similar problem in America. In another decade, Pat Robertson will
be ordering high school football players to crash jets into the "great
Satan of Europe."

Ubi eram? Ita vero, Susan Sontag. Let's take a moment or two to recount the
great things about Ms. Sontag.

First, and foremost, there was her ground breaking 1964 essay Notes on
Camp which marked the dawning of the "so bad it's good" concept of
popular culture. In other words, Susan Sontag made it possible for you and
I to enjoy Meet Your New Mommy with a sense of irony and completely
guilt-free.

When the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini ordered a jihad on Salman Rushdie's
ass, it was Sontag who managed to get the literary community to circle
the wagons.

Not only did Sontag write, but she also directed two film: ;fc=1;ft=1">Duet For
Cannibals and Brother Carl (And that's her playing the part
of Susan Sontag in Zelig.

In 2000 she won the National Book Award for her historical novel
"In America."

In 2001 she was awarded the Jerusalem Prize: an award which is given to a
writer whose work explores the freedom of the individual in society.

Most of all, Sontag loved books and reading. That, in my admittedly twisted
mind, makes her a candidate for Sainthood.

So, if Susan Sontag's good deeds outnumber her sins, then why is the
literary cast of Hee Haw* lining up to spit on her grave? Well, it's a
Haves vs. Have Nots kinda thing.

Right Wings love to say that Leftists are morally bankrupt. They're halfway
correct. Most Leftists are financially bankrupt. That's one of the
reasons we're always putting forth plans to redistribute the wealth:
Socialism, for example.

The Right, on the other hand, is intellectually bankrupt. That's one
of the reasons we're always putting forth plans to redistribute ignorance:
Creationism, for example. An important step in spreading the Gospel of
Ignorance is, of course, the daemonization of intellectuals.

The image of the Intellectual as enemy of the people among Right Wingers
is not new. After all, wasn't it a Nazi officer who said "When I hear the
word 'culture', I cock my gun"?


* Huh, huh…Gaylord Entertainment.

_ . _

Christopher Hitchens has writtne a great goodbye to Sontag.

_ . _

I touched on Susan Sontag's death, briefly, on yesterday's Paul Kircher
Show. I heavily recommend that you give yesterday's show a listen. Not only
will you get to hear Paul and I round up the year's events, but you'll also
get to here Paul ask for callers and get our friend Doc.
_ . _

Speaking of Doc, he sent me these predictions last New Year's Eve and asked
me not to publish 'em until the end of '04:

Well, 2003 is almost over and most(some) of you are
asking the same thing- what the f is gonna happen in 2004? Here are my
predictions,based on mostly substance-free guessing.

IN THE WORLD OF POLITICS: Howard Dean is elected president after scoring
a record number of votes in the mid-west and the south .Most of the
voters don't know or care about his policies though,they just relate to
him able to yell like a wrestler from the WWE...Dubya is actually
relieved at the outcome-'Now ah got mo time ta golf an' stuff.' the HSN
announces that Bush will host a show for them pushing their new "Useless
Jewelry for Millionares" line. Arnold Schwarzenagger is elected to
California's highest office after record turnouts in Compton ,Watts and
Oakland when Snoop Dogg declares that Arnold is my nagger...

IN THE WORLD OF BUSINESS:2004 wil be the year of outsourcing-AOL will
offically change its name to Akmed On Line and the U.S. Mint announces that
it is moving all money production to China to cut costs. Meanwhile,
MEXICO announces that its biggest export is now Mexicans, surpasing
tequila, pot and illegal fireworks combined.In a related move, the
Mexican government seals up the border from California to
Texas to prevent desperate Americans from illegally entering and filling
jobs-dishwashing gardening etc- that its own skilled workforce
(now in the U.S.) won't touch...

THE WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT: Reality/Game shows
hit a new all time low when Fox introduces'Who Wants To Do A Millionaire?'
Paris Hilton who signs on for a celebrity round, quits when told she can't
swallow on camera and has to wear panties...Other shows- 'Who's Ya Daddy?'
This little gem from the WB is a not so subtly aimed at urban/innercity
viewers where kids and try to guess who fathered them. Malt liquor and
Tobacco companies line up to advertise...'What's My Dosage?'another gem
from FOX (naturally...)has patients from mental hospitals compete against
each other... Mel Gibson in an apparent attempt to woo Jewish audiences,
announces plans for"Anne Frank The Musical" which he will promote and
fianance himself because 'You-know-who controls the media and the banks'...

Whaaa!?!, Huh? Whadya mean it's 2004 and it's almost over?Whooaaa, I
really gotta stop playin' video games and disconnect the cable....

_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
peinaw - be hungry

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
erat - s/he, it, there was



Rodney on 12.30.04 @ 02:59 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

A Change of Plan

Before I went to bed last night, I decided that I'd bang out a piece in
the morning called "Thank you, Jesus, for killing Reggie White"

If you read yesterday's Thoughtless, then you know that Reggie White (Whom
I'd not even known existed) died on Sunday at the age of 43. What you may
not have known about Reggie White is that during his lifetime he said some
rather crazy/cruel things.

Here are White's (who was also a Minister) thoughts on race:

Hispanics: "…gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic
person and he can put 20 or 30 people in one home"

Whites: "…blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You
guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature, and
you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people
around the world"

Asians: "…very gifted at creativity and invention. If you go to
Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch."

Blacks: "… are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration.
A lot of us like to dance. If you go to a black church, you see people
jumping up and down because they really get into it."

Indians (I'm not sure if Reggie was talking about Native Americans
[AKA Pueblo Pals] or people from India: "…have been very gifted in the
spirituality."

But it was Reggie's thoughts on Gay Rights that I'm sure he'll always be
remembered for, and which probably caused CBS Sports to stop considering
White for a commentating job (a five-year deal that would've netted White
$6 million).

White claimed that the United States has gotten away from God, in part by
allowing homosexuality to "run rampant" and that "homosexuals have no
place in professional football" (What about Tight-End and Wide-Receiver?
Badda Bing!).

Here, Reggie gets to combine race and sexual wackiness:

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race," White said. "People from
all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from
all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious
and back-stabbing."

Also it seems that, a few years back, Reggie promised a school outside of
Denver a $50,000 donation, but never coughed up the cash.

Anyhoo, I thought there was a great deal of irony in a man who thought that
AIDS was God's punishment (And who had also played for "The Packers"),
dropping dead at a young age. Maybe this, too, was God's punishment for
being an intolerant asshole. So, I thought that I'd wake up and pen a
really vicious piece about Reggie White, but then something unexpected
happened…

I woke up around midnight and couldn't get back to sleep, so I started
channel surfing. One of the movies channels was showing one of my favorite
films: Amelie. I don't know if you've ever seen Amelie, but
if you have than you know that it's hard to write (or do) anything vicious
for at least a week after viewing it.

That's why the above piece about Reggie White is only about 1/100th as
angry as I'd originally intended it to be.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
epie - since, when
present; be near

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
existimabant - they thought



Rodney on 12.29.04 @ 12:25 PM EST [link] [4 Comments]

Wave of Mutilation

Pacific Rim Job: WPVI Delegates Disaster to Fifth Place

I written before about just have immensely bad our local ABC News
affiliate (the most watched local news affiliate in the country) is, but
nothing really drives the point home like last night's 6:00 edition of
Action News. While most news shows (Lou Dobbs - who picked the wrong time
to go vacation - Tonight, for example) led off with the Asian Tsunami,
WPVI relegated that story to fifth place. Here's last night's
opening line up of news pieces:

Lead Story: Cold Spell Strikes Delaware Valley

OK, I can see how this bit of information could take precedence over giant
waves wiping out fishing villages half a word away. After all, I wouldn't
have even know it was cold outside had it not been for Action News. Sure,
I noticed the snow and, come to think of it, I do seem to remember
building a fire in my fireplace…oh, and then there was all that shivering…
But, had it not been for WPVI's Action News, I would've never been able
to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Second Story: Philly Police Radios Go Dead

It seems that for an entire three minutes (until a backup system
was engaged) Philly's own Blue Man Group (AKA "the cops") were unable to
contact each other via radio. Philly averages about 300 murders a year,
folks. So I don't see how three minutes of dead air is going to push us
over the line into total chaos.

Baggage Crisis at Airport

Oh, for Crap's sake, I feel stupid just for writing about just how stupid
this story is. Apparently, US Airways' Philly division lost so much
baggage over the holidays that they had to arrange for two jets to be
filled with luggage to pick up the slack. The day after this debacle,
most of US Airways' baggage handlers called out sick.

OK, if you're sitting around a baggage carrousel wondering where your
Samsonite bags got to, then I can see how this story might be of interest
to you. However, if you're hanging around the White Zone ("If you've gotta
load or unload: GO TO THE WHITE ZONE") puzzling over the failure of your
relatives, who were on vacation in Phuket, to appear…

Reggie White is Still Dead

Who the fuck is Reggie White and why should his death take precedence over
the deaths of 45,000 Pacific Islanders? Until last night, I was unaware of
the late Mr. White's existence, let alone his tragic death at the age of
forty-three. As a matter of fact, the only Mr. White that I was aware of
was the one portrayed by Harvey "look at me, I'm nekked" Keitel in the film
Reservoir Dogs. Maybe I should've have used the Sports section of the
Sunday Inquirer to start that fire?

It seems that this Mr. White had played football with the Philadelphia
Eagles (just like Roberta Muldoon in The World According to Garp)
where he became known as the "gentle warrior" by "terrorizing
quarterbacks by making an art of brutally dumping them to the ground".

"Tidal Wave" Strikes Asia

Yes, they said "Tidal Wave" and not Tsunami. I have to give Action News
points, however, for running "teh best Tsunami interview EVAR!" Here's what
a Belgian tourist had to say about the disaster:

"We were standing along the beach and all of the water just went away. And
we stood there, looking at each other and asking 'where did the water
go?'"

Gentle reader (who "who terrorizes librarians by making an art of
brutally dumping them to the ground"), should you ever find yourself in
a similar situation, don't focus on "where did the water go?".
Instead, try to ask yourself "when - and in what volume - is the water
coming back?"

I'm not an expert in seismic activity (yet), but I know enough that if I
ever see an entire bay drain, I'm going to run in the opposite direction.

As if placing the news of a massive natural disaster ten minutes into a
half hour newscast wasn't bad enough, WPVI now had to give its viewers
"The Delaware Valley Connection". You see, an event isn't really
newsworthy (or Action News worthy) unless it somehow impacts the Delaware
Valley. If Reggie White had been killed by the Tsunami (the "gentle
warrior" of killer waves), Channel Six would've led with the story.

"The Delaware Valley Connection" results in viewers of Action News

being treated to shots of nervous relatives sitting beside their phones
(in some of the most horrendously decorated living rooms imaginable)
awaiting word of the fates of their loved ones.

Now, I happen to have a sister (with whom I am engaged in a friendly
competition to see which one of us can more articles published than the
other, ala the Bronte sisters - whom neighbors referred to as "howling
bitches") who lives on a small island in the South Pacific, and I have to
admit that I was concerned for her safety (because, if she should be
swept away by a giant wave, I win the contest by default).

Fortunately for my sister, the wave wasn't looking for White people living
on islands that are predominately inhabited by Christians. This was a
welcome break in God's usual pattern of sending dangerous natural phenomena
in the direction of those who believe most deeply in him and his son.

Tornadoes and hurricanes tend to strike the Red States. This is because God
loves people like Christopher Hitchens more than he loves the hicks who
actually believe in him.

If you can find a crazy piece on the web about how the Tsunami was "God's
punishment", please post a link to it in the comments section.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
pareimi - to be at hand
present; be near

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
adesse - to be here, present




Rodney on 12.28.04 @ 11:27 AM EST [link] [4 Comments]

An Encyclopedic knowledge

I'm back from my little break…obviously.

Before I get to today's lecture about Know-It-Alls, there's some last
minute gingerbread house stuff that needs to be addressed.

Here are some shots of the gingerbread house which I constructed for
Vienna's large, Italian family. Please note the clock face and stained
glass windows (made from Fruit Roll-Ups…which I doubt contain any actual
fruit. The healthiest part of any gingerbread house is the Styrofoam
base.). Next year I'm going to build a gingerbread Io Sophia.







Kendra sent in this picture of a lovely gingerbread A-frame (for "Anarchy")
house that she built using the Vegan recipe that she found over at The Post
Punk Kitchen and not the recipe which I so kindly provided. Next
year, Kendra plans on tackling (perennial Jeopardy answer) Frank Lloyd
Wright's Fallingwater.



Kendra built two houses but, sadly, one collapsed (killing an entire
gingerbread family who were celebrating their first Christmas in America,
after having emigrated from Turkmenistan where the shocking practice of
ginger-cide still takes place). I'm tempted to say that the collapse was
caused by Kendra's refusal to use my tested on lab animals recipe (except
for the egg, my recipe is also Vegan), but I too experienced a structural
disaster when half of the roof of my second gingerbread house (which I
built for my small, German family. German Christmas: At midnight you
exchange disquieting looks of hatred.) collapsed.

I tried to put the best possible face on the cave-in by explaining to my
young nieces that it just proved that tragedy can happen at any time -
even on Christmas day. They understood, and not just because they enjoy
Lemony Snicket. No, they understood because they're cursed with an
encyclopedic knowledge

That's right, I said cursed and not blessed.

Oh, there was a time when having a wide variety of knowledge was considered
a blessing. Before the invention of the printing press, if you wanted to
know something you had to seek out someone who knew
everything. Plato's life must've been a living Hell. "Hi, Plato,
sorry about waking you up in the middle of the night, but me and Aeacus
was just having a rather heated discussion about rather or not dogs had
souls and…"

[Sidetrack]

It may not be politically correct, but you really have to feel sorry for
the ancient Greeks and Romans.

Today, the term "Barbarian" is applied to NASCAR dads, anyone who has ever
pledged money to the 700 Club, and Bill O'Reilly. As backward as these
simpletons may be, they at least understand the concepts behind books and
indoor plumbing. The original Barbarians feared the written word and held
shitting contests in their living rooms.

You and I may encounter some particularly crude and stupid individuals on
a daily basis, but it's only a fraction of the massive fucktardary that
someone from a civilized part of the ancient world would've encountered
when dealing with an actual Barbarian. We may have political disagreements
with the people we call (behind their backs) Barbarians, but at least we
don't have to explain what politics are to them: at least not yet.
No wonder that after a while, the ancient Greeks and Romans got tired of
trying to explain things and just went straight to burning crops and
villages. In a few years, this'll be your attitude too.

[Getting back on track]

After the invention of the printing press, if you wanted to know something
you either had to read about it yourself or seek out someone who had read
about it. People who read a great deal and knew a lot about various
subjects were (believe it or not) held in high regard: Sherlock Holmes,
for example.

Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that Sherlock Holmes was not a real person
(I really hate to break this news to anyone who belongs to one of those
creepy "Holmesian" groups.), but people in the early part of the last
century eagerly read about him and desired to emulate him because he had
an encyclopedic knowledge.

Things remained like this (people having a strong respect for those who
"knew stuff") until the late 1970's when stupid people organized, seized
power, elected Ronald Reagan, and leaned their mantra: "So what? Who cares?"

Here's a Phun Phact that's made even more phuner because we've reached the
end of the Scott Peterson trial:

The leading cause of death among pregnant American women is being
murdered by their male significant others.

Got that? If you're reading this and you're a pregnant woman living within
the confines of the United States, you're more likely to be killed by your
boyfriend or husband than you are by any medical complication arising from
your pregnancy. In other words: We've traced the call - IT"S COMING
FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! Get out!


Now, if you impart this fact to a non-idiot, there's a good change that
they'll say "Wow, I can't believe the crappy job that the media did of
reporting that fact while they were creaming all over Laci Peterson's
decapitated corpse. Thank Dionysus for Paul Kircher and his boy wonder
Rodney Anonymous. Without them, we'd all be as ignorant as a Creationist
at a Rick Santorum rally."

Mention the whole "Baby-Daddy-As-Leading-Cause-Of-Death" thing to a
Neo-Barbarian and they'll say (all together now) "So what? Who cares?"

If it helps, you can think of the whole process as Barbarian-Americans
celebrating their Barbarian pride. It doesn't help; does it?

I don't have any numbers on the actual percentage of Americans who have
slipped into Barbarism, but I'd be shocked if it was below 45%. It may be
as high as 90%.

This explains why Law and Order: Sexual Sex Unit gets bigger ratings
than Law and Order: Criminal Intent. The average American finds it
easier to identify with the total fucktards on Law and Order: Butt-Sex
Police than Vincent D'Onofrio's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes-esque cop
Detective Goren. Why? Because Detective Goren has an encyclopedic
knowledge.

Personally, I'd be less afraid of spending an hour getting slapped around
by the goons on Naked Lady Cops than spend ten minutes in the
interrogation room with Goren who uses psychology and his encyclopedic
knowledge on a subject the way other cops use a plunger.

A.J. Jacobs has an encyclopedic knowledge.He got it by reading all
32 volumes of the 2002 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. It
took him a year and he's written a book about the experience called The
Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the
World .

The book's chock full o' Phun Phacts. Most of which will results in a
chorus of "So what? Who cares?" when related aloud.

I'm very proud of my nieces and I think that my sister and brother-in-law
have done a great job raising them (and my brother-in-law did a terrific
job of defying the Law of Averages by not killing my sister while she was
pregnant), but I know that they have a tough road ahead of them.
Handicapped, as they are, by their encyclopedic knowledge

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
afrwn - senseless, foolish

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
cantare - to sing




Rodney on 12.27.04 @ 01:08 PM EST [link]