Thoughtless for the Day

Big-Assed Weekend Edition (What a bake-off)

As promised, I'm going to teach the lot of you how to make "teh best
gingerbread house EVAR!" But, before we get started, I'd like answer the
question that is on all of your minds - wouldn't this little "cooking
segment" be more interesting (or, at least, somewhat interesting) if one
of my celebrity friends dropped by and helped out? You know, kinda like
on the old Mike Douglas Show, when Robert Goulet would swing by, sing
"Men In My Little Girl's Life", drink a fifth of bourbon, show some yams
up Mason Reese's ass, vomit on a cookie sheet and then stick his puke in
the oven at 450 degrees for nine hours before force feeding it to a
horrified audience whom he'd been holding at gunpoint while screaming
"Mommy, little Bobby's coming home to dannnnnce"?

While I do know one or two famous people (including one who has her own
cooking show), the only person I'm even remotely familiar with who can pull
off a "screaming Goulet" is Vincent Gallo, and I'll be double-Dutch-damned
if I'm gonna eat anything he touches.

Beside, when I'm in the kitchen, I'm like Dirty Harry - I work alone! The
last thing I need is to get saddled with some rookie with a pretty young
wife and a child on-the-way who's gonna gunned-down while I'm preheating
the oven. It takes a long time to properly make a gingerbread house,
so once I get started, I can't just quit to go seek revenge on the South
American Drug Lord who shot Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy, why? Why? He was so young…
and had such a pretty wife…and a baby on-the-way!

Have you got that? Well, have you, punk? Good, let's get started.

Now, before you even turn on that oven (to 350 degrees), you'll need to
make the patterns for your gingerbread house. I'm sure that some well
meaning, yet completely ignorant, bastard has told you that you can cut
your pattern out of cardboard. While that may be technically
correct, let me assure you that the cardboard will become soggy, so you
won't be able to re-use it. The upshot being that you'll end up dying
alone and insane.

Instead, slink on down to your local art supply store (yeah, the place
where all the spazi that are so wimpy even you can kick their asses hang
out and cry about how nobody understands them) and purchase a sturdy one
foot by one foot piece of X-ACTO Foam Board (for the base) three (3)
12 x 18 sheets of Darice ULTRA STIFF (huh, huh) plastic canvas. This
should set you back about $4.75 total.



Lemme tell you, this shit is the Hula-Hubbard! I discovered it last year
when I was picking up some rainbow stickers for my great-aunt's iron long,
and I dunno how I ever got along without it. The little grids make pattern
cutting ubber-easy, which leads me plenty of time for threatening my
neighbors with a broken bottle of chardonnay.

If this is your first time making a gingerbread house, than I suggest that
you design an abode somewhat smaller than the one used in the following
example. If your friends ask you why your gingerbread house is so tiny,
just shake your head and mutter "Fuckin Bush." Trust me, they'll
understand.

Draw and then cut out the following patterns on your "Plastic Canvases"
(Which is also the name of my Byrds cover band.)



And while you're at it, be sure to cut out a small L-square. This'll come
in handy during the construction phase.

Once you have your patterns cut, make sure that they fit (with at least an
inch of space on each side) inside your cookie sheet. Here's a helpful tip:
you can't go wrong with an 11" x 17" cookie sheet. Unless, of course,
you're making a 96" x 4.7" gingerbread house. Here's another tip: there are
plenty of other web sites out there. Some of 'em even have news and shit.
Quit wasting your time here. Gallo, you totally wore LaRouche's poe-jamas
in Brown Bunny. Respect!



Next, you'll need to have the following list of ingredients tattooed on you
left inner thigh:

unsifted flour
baking soda
baking powder
cinnamon
ground ginger
ground cloves
nutmeg
vegetable shortening
sugar
molasses (Get two [2] jars of Grandma's molasses,
just in case you need to
make a second batch of dough)
6 large eggs
vanilla
2 boxes of 10-X confectioners' sugar (it's in the baking isle -
the one built over the old Indian burial ground, next to the
home for the criminally insane. Hey, you kids don't wanna go
messin' around there, do ya'?)


Before you get to mixing crap together, you'll want to lay out all of your
ingredients and double-check the list. The only thing worse than having to
run out to buy sugar in the middle of making a gingerbread house is
Michelle Malkin's latest book-on-tape read by Darryl Worley and recorded at
a Star Trek convention.



In a large pot or crucible of terror, slowly liquefy (use a low
heat) 1 cup of vegetable shortening. Add 1 cup of sugar to this clear goo.
Mix thoroughly, and then slowly stir in 1 ¼ cups (one jar of Grandma's,
trust me, I do this every year) molasses. Now add a raw egg and 1 tsp of
vanilla. Mix like a dusted hobo. For the sake of clarity, well refer to
this mixture as "The Condor". Set "The Condor" aside.



In a large bowl, or large pot, or ancient sarcophagus, dump 5/12 cups of
flour. Now add 1 tsp. of baking soda, 1/4 tsp. of baking powder, 2 tsp.
of cinnamon, 3 tsp. of ground ginger, 2 tsp. of ground cloves and 1 tsp.
of nutmeg. Stir, goddamn you, stir. We'll call this powdery mixture
"Bolivian Flake"



Slowly and carefully, add the "Bolivian Flake" to "The Condor" while
stirring continuously. Pretty soon this new mixture (known amongst
gingerbread aficionados as "Bolivian Condor") will be too thick to be
stirred with a spoon, so you'll have to stick your hands in there and kneed
like Beverly D'Angelo in The Sentinel.

Once you have the "Bolivian Condor" thoroughly "smushed", start forming
fist-sized balls (huh, huh). Wrap these balls in cling wrap and place
them in the 'frige for at least an hour before proceeding to the next
stage.




Hmmm…now you've got an hour to kill. Fortunately, this is the time of year
when the 700 Club tends to run their telethon. I can't think of a single
reason why you shouldn't call their toll-free number and tell them all
about the fantastic gingerbread house that you're making. If you speak
just enough Spanish to confuse both Mexicans and Gringos, all-the-better!
If they try to hit you up for a donation just say "Vincent Gallo was
the thing in Brown Bunny. Did you see that movie…no, wait, that
film? It was the thing! Hey, bet you can't guess what I've got in
my hand right now…" Repeat as necessary.

One hour later…

Right now you should have some pretty cold balls of dough on your hands.
Place a dough ball on baking sheet (Some people like to line the sheet the
foil. Some people also think it's OK to leave their kids alone with
Michael Jackson.) and CCH Pounder it until it's nice and spread out and
only about a quarter of an inch thick. This is best accomplished by using
the most sophisticated tools available - the palms of your hands.

Place the pattern over the flattened dough and trim. Gather the excess in
to a ball that can be firmly held between your knees.

If you're laying out the front or the sides, then you have some pieces that
you'll need to "cut out" with a butter knife. This is important:
cut along the outline of the pieces, but DO NOT remove them. This'll help
your design hold its shape, and you can use those left over bits for
strengthening the inside corners.

If you're laying out the front or the sides, then you have some pieces that
you'll need to "cut out" with a butter knife. This is important: cut
along the outline of the pieces, but DO NOT remove them. This'll help your
design hold its shape, and you can use those left over bits for
strengthening the inside corners.

Since I'm planning on adding a Rosette window (this will consist of one of
those old fashion all-day suckers mounted from behind) on the front, I'll
make the "hole" now using a drinking glass.



It's time to bake. Place the cookie sheet in an oven that's been pre-heated
to 350 degrees. Leave the dough in until it starts to get brown around the
edges - this should take between 10 and 15 minutes. Remove and let cool…and
when I say "let cool", I mean "let cool". The best way to insure the
structural integrity of your gingerbread house is to make sure those pieces
are nice and cool before you do squat to them.

Here's what might be the most important tip that I give you: Decorate your
house before you put it together. Just imaging trying to do this to
a vertical piece of gingerbread…



In order to add the decorations, you're going to need to make a sort of
edible glue that I call "The Stuff" . To make "The Stuff", just
break an egg into a small pot or bowl and stir in 10-X confectioners'
sugar until you have a substance that's has a creamy color and the
consistency of Elmer's Glue. Make sure that you wash "The Stuff"
off of your hands. DO NOT lick it off. Ingesting too much of "The Stuff"
will result in a headache the equivalent of asking a friends over for an
evening of listening to Toby Keith CD's while they attack your skull with
croquet mallets. Oh, and here's another tip: Cookies, cut in half, make
excellent shingles for the roof.



That was way too much work for one night. If you check back in on Monday
night (by the way, The Amazing James Randi will be making a return
appearance on Monday's Paul Kircher Show), I'll show you how to put the
whole thing together.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
iera - rites, sacrifices

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
mox - soon




Rodney on 12.18.04 @ 09:59 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

We Whelchel You a Merry Christmas

December 2004 E-Letter

I've wanted to send this particular E-letter for over a month but today is
the first day I could do it. I planned to tell you all about my new book,
The ADVENTure of Christmas, in plenty of time for you to pick it up at
your local bookstore and enjoy it all through the holiday season.

It's a Christmas miracle! Just when you thought that you couldn't
possibly despise Lisa/Blair anymore than you already do - POW, she goes
and writes a book called "The ADVENTure of Christmas". Sweet
mother of crap, I nearly dropped a Yule log when I saw that clever play
on words.

Personally, I think that Lisa/Blair should've called her book "The
ADventure of Christmas", since she spends the entire E-Letter
hawking it. Hurry, hurry, run out and buy it so that you can "enjoy it all
through the holiday season" - which ends, roughly, one week from today.

Holy shit (Now there's a title for a Christmas book)! Check out the
following description of the book, taken directly from Blair/Lisa's web
site:

"For each of the twenty-four days preceding Christmas, The ADVENTure of
Christmas serves as a fun and handy guide that describes the true meaning
hidden in your most cherished traditions. Hanging lights on the house,
wrapping gifts, and decorating the tree will become opportunities to share
how these traditions relate to Jesus' birth."

Hanging lights, wrapping gifts, and decorating the tree are Pagan
traditions. They have about as much bearing on the life of Jesus Christ as
a trip to the Harley Davidson factory. Shit, Luther, haven't we been
talking about this sorta thing all week? It's bad enough that I'm the only
one who writes for this site, but do I have to be the only one who reads
it?

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it,) the book
has been an unexpectedly, phenomenal hit. Which means, I couldn't write to
you about it because I couldn't keep the books in stock long enough to
risk you wanting to buy one.

Gee, thanks, Blair. Since you did me such a big favor, please allow me
to do one for you by telling my readers that it's very, very wrong to
write a fake review of Blair's book on Amazon.com. Got that people? It's
wrong, so don't do it.

As it is, between visitors finding the book in my online shopping section
and at the last few months of speaking events, I've sold over 4,000 books
myself. Wal-Mart surprised the publisher and ordered 17,000 copies and
the remaining outlets haven't been able to keep them in the store. The
publisher has had to order three additional print runs which brings the
total to over 40,000 books. (Way more than any of us expected for a
Christmas gift book!)

Hey, Blair, here's something you should know about Wal-Mart. That's
right, every time Wal-Mart sells a copy of your shitty little book, a
Wal-Mart employee gets screwed and the baby Jesus weeps. Sweet, holy
Hubbard, Blair has sold over 40,000 copies of her crappy collection of
Christmas crud. I know it's wrong to burn books, but if we're ever
going to make an exception to that rule…

This created quite a back up from the printer. We finally received our
latest batch from the last shipment on Friday. Steve, Haven and I worked
all day yesterday packing, stamping and labeling almost 400 books to get
in the mail by the end of the day.(So sorry again to all of you who have
been waiting for your books. They are in the mail!)

Haven't you learned anything from your fellow Christian, Cathy Lee
Gifford? There are plenty of children in Indonesia who'd be happy to pack
those book for you for 25 cents a month.

I do want to tell you about the book and offer you the chance to buy one
if you are interested. But you may want to check your nearest Wal-Mart,
or call your local bookstore first. That way, if they still have them in
stock then you can enjoy the book right away.

Hello? Is this the Wooden Shoe? Great, do you have "The ADVENTure
of Christmas" by Lisa Whelchel in stock? Hello? Hello? It's hard to hear
you over all of that laughter in the background…"

If they are sold out then simply go to the shopping section on my website.
http://www.lisawhelchel.com/shop1.html There are a couple of advantages to
this method. First of all, I will autograph each one and, if you indicate,
then I will personalize it, as well. Just let me know if you want the book
made out to you, your family, your children, your grandchildren, or
neighbor family, etc.

I predict that she'll be autographing a book for my neighbors (Ben Dover
and C. Howitt Pheals) before the end of the week.

Also, we are selling the book half price. It retails for $20 but you can
buy it from my website, this year only, for $10 plus shipping and handling.
We are offering this special deal for our website friends as special
thanks for your encouragement and friendship throughout the writing of
this book.

Now that we have the books we promise to process them everyday and get
them in the mail within 24 hours. With that in mind, you should be able
to enjoy them during the remainder of the holiday, or if you are ordering
as gifts they should arrive in time to give by Christmas.

"No food for you, Haven, until you package those orders."

I've been talking about this book in my journal entries for over a year.
Just in case you haven't visited my "Coffee Talk" section lately, or you
just recently signed up for my E-letter, let me fill you in on what The
ADVENTure of Christmas is all about.

I'm sorry, Blair, but I've had little trouble navigating the web ever
since learning that you've sold over 40,000 copies of your book caused my
to repeatedly bang my head against a wall.

It is a beautiful book (with artwork by Jeannie Mooney) that I wrote
because I was looking for a way to make Christmas more about Jesus for my
children and less about the toys and gifts and trappings. After much
research I discovered that Jesus was in the middle of all of the traditions
and symbols and activities we were already experiencing as a family. There
is no need to throw out the fun of Christmas in order to keep the focus on
Jesus. He invites us to His birthday party and encourages us to have fun
with our kids - guilt free!

That's right! Buy! Buy! Buy! Jesus commands you to consume! Jesus maxed
out his credit cards and so should you. Don't believe any of that Liberal
Jew Media crap about the Son of Hubbard tossing money changers outta the
temple.

This books helps moms (and dads, teachers, grandparents, etc.) point to
Jesus in the middle of all the wonderful things we enjoy doing this time
of year so that we can keep Him the focus of our celebration.

I hope you have a very, merry Christmas and I pray you will have eyes to
find Jesus everywhere this season.

And I pray that all of you who read this still have eyes in your head,
despite the overwhelming temptation to tear them out.

Cheer up, people. Tomorrow I'll teach you how to make a gingerbread houe.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
afrwn - senseless, foolish

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
fortasse - perhaps




Rodney on 12.16.04 @ 10:32 AM EST [link] [15 Comments]

Teh Shortest Thoughtless EVAR!

Hey there, teen Indonesian Dictators. Since I've had a pretty busy day
(appearing on Paul's show, working on the Patriots Against Senator Santorum
web site, translating some Greek and Latin, fleshing out a few articles
that I'm writing, and attending a political meeting in University City),
today's Thoughtless will probably be the shortest in the history of
Thoughtlessness.

First, here's a link to today's Paul Kircher Show featuring guests Paul
Krugman and State Senator Vince Fumo. Paul and I discuss economics (in
particular, Social Security "reform") with Mr. Krugman and all things
Philadelphia with Senator Fumo.

Now, for those of you who are either tired of Christmas Carols, or itchin'
to pick a fight with your religious relatives on the 25th, here's a link
to a Salon.com review of The Bible Unearthed by Israel Finkelstein
(AKA "That goddamn Finkelstein-shit kid!"). And here's another.

Finally, here's a link that my friend Elliot sent me this link to a pretty
cool web site that also uses the same blogging software that I do.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
ploutew - to be rich

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
iubet - s/he orders, tells




Rodney on 12.15.04 @ 08:56 PM EST [link] [1 Comment]

T'is the Season...for debunking

Facing the combo of interviewing Paul Krugman on Paul's show tomorrow and
my many holiday tasks, I have found myself with very little time for
writing. Subsequently, today's Thoughtless will it a tad short (and
somewhat poorly written). On the bright side, it'll have a holiday theme.
Let's debunk angels.

According to a reliable source (OK, it was a copy of People that I
found in my doctor's office) 75% of Americans believe in angels. Oprah has
an Angel's Network, angels even had their own crappy TV show, and then
there are the countless really, really bad books that sport titles like
Embraced By The Light .

I really hate to argue with ¾ of the American public, Oprah, television
executives, and people who have written more books than they've read, but
something just isn't right here…

I've always said "Give me a fire-and-brimstone back-woods Baptist preacher
over some touchy-feely New Age Guru any day." Now, you would think that
angels would be "Old Testament" beings - unforgiving, show-no-mercy
messengers of a jealous and vengeful God. If that were the case, I could
get behind the angelic movement. Sadly, today's angels talk like creepy,
pony-tailed, crystal wearing, New Agers.

The quote below is from the Ann Alber's Visions of Heaven website.
Diabetics are warned to avert their eyes in order to avoid the high sugar
content of the following message:

"You HAVE A RIGHT TO BE! And perhaps dear ones someday you will see
that your BEing here on earth is enough. You are God's expression of Love
in human form. When you are true to yourselves, IN EACH MOMENT, whatever
that might be -- shedding a tear, baking a beautiful cake, loving a child,
reproaching someone who has crossed the line with kindness -- whatever is
an authentic and true expression for YOU in the moment, is an authentic
expression of God."

Hey, isn't this the same kinda dopey rap that the Aliens (the space kind.
Not our Border-buddies) lay on aging Hippies in the Redwoods?

And then there's that whole "wings" thing…

Everybody's who's ever seen an angel knew that it was and angel, and not
an alien, because it had wings (You know, because God, like, lives in the
sky and the angels need, like, wings - so that they don't plummet to the
ground when they come to, like, visit us). But, if angels did exist, would
they have wings?

The only winged angels mentioned in the Bible are the Cherubim and Seraphim
(Oh, and there is one mention of a winged, female angel in the Old
Testament, but - for the most part - angels are described as spiritual
beings, devoid of a physical nature) whom are supposed never to stray far
from the throne of God (OK, maybe they made a wrong turn somewhere, I'm
no Biblical scholar…)

The word "angel" is, of course, derived from the Greek word "aggelos"
meaning "messenger". Hermes, the messenger of the Greek Gods wore a winged
cap. Hey, Christians, you might wanna drop the winged beings before the
Pagans sue you over Intellectual Property rights.


_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
aggelos - angel

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
maledicis - you slander




Rodney on 12.14.04 @ 08:40 PM EST [link]

Bush Tax Cut Funds Rev.'s Affair with Teen (& Bernie Kerik Bio)

I may not have my Ph.D. (yet), but I can recognize bullshit when my Doc
Martins tread upon it. So, a couple of months back, when I came across a
news story in which cockmonkey-in-chief George Bush trotted out Mike and
Sharla Hintz of Clive, Iowa as shiny examples of people who had benefited
from his tax cuts.

"This is bullshit," I remember saying as I read how Bush was babbling
about how the Hintz's $1,600 refund had enabled the couple to purchase a
wood-burning stove and take a dream vacation in…wait for it…Minnesota. Why
the Hintz family was plucking down the cash for that stove and booking a
room in a Motel 6 just outside of St. Paul, Bush's wealthy buddies were
using their tax cuts to buy yachts and vacation homes. Shit, Luther, if
the Hintz clan, along with the rest off us, hadn't been screwed-over by
Cheney's Energy Task Force then they wouldn't have needed that gawdamn
stove. And who the fuck vacations in Minnesota, anyway? "Are these people
retarded?" I shouted at my computer screen.

Well, it seems that Mike Hintz's problems run a little deeper than his
lack of socio-economic savvy. Over the weekend, Mike (a youth pastor) was
charged with sexual exploitation. Apparently Pastor Hintz needed a little
more stimulation than a trip to Minnesota could provide, so he had an
affair with a 17-year-old parishioner.

Sweet Hubbard in Heaven, doesn't anybody conduct background checks any
more?

Apparently not, as we all found out on Friday night when it was announced
that Bernie Kerik was no longer a candidate for the position of Director
of Homeland Security. Now, if you didn't follow the story very closely,
then you might think that Bernie had been forced to exit the stage when it
was discovered that he had employed a few illegal immigrants to handle his
domestic chores. Folks, the shit surrounding Bernie Kerik is much, much
deeper than that.

OK, maybe you've heard that Bernie fathered an illegitimate child in North
Korea, and then abandoned the baby and its mother. And you've probably
heard about Bernie's bankruptcy problems. But did you know that whil
e Kerik was commissioner of the New York Correction and Police
departments, roughly $1 million of tobacco-company rebates were funneled
into a tiny foundation that Kerik just happened to be president of.

Did you know Bernie "the Bully" (he picked up that nickname during his
days as a narcotics cop) Kerik worked as head of security for the
Saudi Royal family? Well, to be fair, he only held the job for three
months. Bernie was forced to leave the gig when it was discovered that
he had secretly been investigating the sex lives of Americans who
were working in a Saudi hospital.

Did you know that Bernie Kerik and professional Visigoth Rudi Giuliani
are business partners? Yes, the same Rudi Giuliani who kept pressing Bush
to appoint Kerik, who is also Rudi's former bodyguard, head of Homeland
Security.

But Rudi wasn't the only Kerik cheerleader. Both of New York's
Democratic senators, Hilary Clinton and Chuck Shumer, could say
enough wonderful things about this cesspool of a human being. And
Democrats always wonder why I'm a Green…

Did you know that Bernie has never been shy about accepting gifts? In
fact, Bernie accepted over $17,000 in gifts from just one guy alone. True,
Bernie had helped the guy, whose name is Lawrence Ray, out by managing to
get him a job with one of the largest contractors to the City of New York.
So, it's little wonder that Mr. Ray was kind enough to pay for Bernie's
wedding (No, not to the Korean chick that he abandoned). Mr. Ray also,
kindly, gave Bernie $2,000, so that Bernie could purchase a little item
that he'd had his eye on for quite some time - a bejeweled Tiffany badge.
Bling, bling.

Did you know about the 1998 arrest warrant that was issued on Kerik in
relation to unpaid bills on his condo? The Taser scandal? How about the
allegations that he beat up his girlfriend and waved his gun around? And
what about Kerik's less than stellar gig training Iraqi cops? And why did
9/11 Commission member John Lehman say that Kerik's leadership after the
terror attack was "scandalous" and "not worthy of the Boy Scouts"?

Now, take a deep breath and think about this for a moment - Bush,
Giuliani, Clinton, and Schumer were all in favor of putting this
walking turd in charge of our security.


_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
paj - How?

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
ignavus - greedy





Rodney on 12.13.04 @ 11:19 AM EST [link]