Thoughtless for the Day

From Chisum to Jism

This Christmas Super Jesus Day, millions of families will crowd into
America's movie theaters to watch magnificent beasts locked in a titanic
struggle. Yes. I'm talking about the film Brokeback Mountain (AKA
Bunkhouse Butt Buddies). I'll admit that, at first, the idea of
spending one hundred and twenty minutes of my life watching a pair of
ranch hands "bust a bucking bronco" had about as much appeal to me as
attending Jackie Mason's new one-man play "Oy, look what I found in my
sofa!" My opinion pulled a bootlegger reverse; however, when I learned
that our old, cranky neighbors on the internet, Cuntcerned Women for
America, launched into a Level 9 Hissy Fit over two guys punching butts
instead of cattle. If you boys from the Audiovisual Club are ready with
that projector, roll the footage:

"Although the film reportedly portrays some problems with adultery, it
comes down on the side of 'being who you are,' which means having whatever
perverse and unfaithful relationship you want. Homosexual activists have
openly boasted that they hope this film 'will change minds.' I think I'd
put it differently. If it encourages even one confused boy to engage in
sex with another male, that makes it an instrument of corruption, not one
of enlightenment."

Perverse and unfaithful relationships? An instrument of corruption? Now
that's my kinda film! Honey, hire a sitter; we're going out to the
movies tonight! What? Yes, I know that we don't have any kids, but hire a
sitter anyway, OK? Well, if you must know, why is it that only
cowboys get to use their instruments of corruption to engage in perverse
and unfaithful relationships?

CWfA's review got me wondering if the Puritans over at the C(r)AP Report
had reviewed Brokeback Mountain (AKA The Alahomo) yet, so I surfed
on over to their site and was horrified (get ready to scream) to discover
(ready?) that they are no longer posting reviews of new movies.



Don't these "people" at the C(R)AP Report realize that those of us who
produce (or attempt to produce, as the case may be) Internet Comedy
consider their reviews our bread and butter? Are they completely unaware
of the hours at the keyboard that they've saved me? Don't they understand
that they're disrupting my traditional (except for that thing with the
babysitter) marriage by forcing my to stay up all night grinding out
mediocre original material instead of instantly creating comedy gold by
simply cutting and pasting sections of their reviews unto this blog?
Honestly, I could spend a week typing away like an infinite number of
monkey and never come up with anything nearly as funny as this exert
from their review of Into The Blue:

A long-time standard parents have used to teach their kids where
others should not touch or see was the areas of the body covered by a
bathing suit. Not 'ny more. At least not by the bathing suits in this
film. The suits, magnified by the use of camera angle to force the
viewer on private parts, appeared for the most part -- what there was
of it -- to be token. It was exhibitionism galore, eye candy for the
young teen boy to plant unclean thoughts and desires in his mind.

That's a whole book's worth of crazy shoved into one tiny paragraph.

Technically, the C(R)AP Report gang haven't quit reviewing movies:
they're just holding the reviews hostage until "adequate funds to cover
ALL expenses are available." Translation: Unless you want your precious
family to settle down for what you thought was a wholesome, ol' fashion
Western only to suddenly be confronted with the sight of two Gay Cowboys
engaged in a very different kind of "shootout" you'd better make with
the donations.

What a shame; especially when things were going so well for the folks who
try their durndest to take the sin out of cinema. How do I know things
were looking up for the celluloid spies? They posted the following
progress report on their site:

And the Seeds are working!
Hate mail has dropped off to a trickle.
Death threats have stopped altogether!
People are asking good questions!

Oddly, those are the exact opposite criteria that I use for
judging the success of RATYHTL.

While the Fundie Film Fans at C(L)AP Report staunchly claim that they
won't be reviewing any new films, they seem to have already made an
exception for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and Two
Gay Cowboys. I, for one, couldn't be happier that enough donations
rolled in to enable the CAPsters to give the wall-to-wall teen sex romp
that is The Chronicles of Narnia the Red Light this sort of
sickening instrument of corruption deserves (and that almost every
movie reviewed by CAP receives). And who could blame them? After all the
film does blatantly depict "children striking out in wintry woods
unsupervised".

Some of you may be aware that The Chronicles of Narnia was
intensely marketed towards Christian groups as an allegory for the New
Testament: even though the author, CS Lewis repeatedly and emphatically
stated that it wasn't. It's great to see that the CAPitalists didn't fall
for this satanic ploy in the same way that the CWfA did. CWfA seem to
have forgotten that CS Lewis was "converted" to "Christianity" by none
other than JRR Tolkien: the man who attempted to replace our Lord, Jesus
Christ, with Aragon the Half-Elf.

Yet, despite its pedigree of evil, CWfA still claim that "Nonbelievers who
venture into Narnia will perhaps wonder why Aslan's sacrifice and
eventual triumph touch them so deeply"

Wrong again, wafferbreath. Nonbelievers who venture into Narnia
will wonder when the Gay Cowboys are gonna show up and get it on.


PS. Add Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman to my Satunalia list.





Rodney on 12.15.05 @ 07:10 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

Prease Fuck My Yellow Vagina: The Book

"This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with
great force."

- Dorthy Parker


In case you haven't heard, RATYHTL's Official Dragon Lady, Michelle
Malkin, has written another book: and it's in English (instead of that
that crazy language that those people speak; you know, the one
that sounds like cats fighting in a metal garbage can)! Whoa, now before
you folks at the Pulitzer Foundation put that call in to the engraver,
you might want to know that when I say that Malkin has "written" a book,
what I'm really saying is that the Angry Asian collected a bunch of news
clippings about Hippies stealing Bush '04 (the only President in US
history to openly advertise his IQ) signs from Babbitts' lawns, and
copied and pasted nearly every ethnic slur that been posted about
her on the internet (No, I haven't had time to thumb through the
book to see if PFMYV is in there, but it better be!) into one handy,
unintentionally funny, tome.

In other words: we basically wrote her book for her.

[Insert preachy rant about the irony of Malkin, who penned a book
defending the interment of Japanese-Americans during WWI, calling the
Left racist and as for progressives being violent, well "before you
inoculate the village, make sure you've cured the fever * at home" here]

While it's a crying shame that someone else beat Malkin to writing that
book about the relationship between John Paul-Sartre and Simone de
Beauvoir, forcing the Insolent Indonesian to grind out some crap in order
to meet a contractual obligation, the real winner here is the English (or
"Engrish") language; which will benefit for centuries to come from the new
and cleaver uses of vulgarity which Malkin painstakingly documents in the
minutest detail. Here are some of the choicer insults (which may or may
not actually appear in the book) hurled at the Obnoxious Oriental (yes,
I know the difference between an Oriental and an Asian: I'm just running
out of alliterations):

What I want to really know is whether Malkin has the ability to
suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.

I mean, she's gotta have SOME kind of purposeful earthly use walking around
on this planet, because she certainly doesn't have one that has anything to
do with her intellect or her political views.
_._

Why exactly does this large toothed educated female wog believe that she
will be treated as white when God chose to make her yellow?

Even her political allies see her as nothing more than a trained monkey
coached into saying a few simple racial truths that would be politically
damaging if put into the mouths of a white man?

Her hatred for her fellow wogs comes from an inability to accept that God
did not make her a European and that God chose to make her a woman.

Please, beat her severely and set her to work in a brothel somewhere in
Malaysia that services Islamic terrorists.
_._

Maybe Malkin will rename her site "The Wog Blog"? Then again, maybe not.
And now my personal favorite…

Do you think Malkin's breezer runs horizontally instead of vertically?
Any opinions on the subject?
_._

Huh, huh, "breezer". So, are the comments above both childish and
offensive? Maybe. Are they as childish and offensive as opposing McCain's
proposed bill to forbid the use of torture by the United States
government? Eh, maybe not.

Anyhoo, Dave Neiwert has bravely ploughed his way through Michelle's boggy
literary rice paddy; you can find his review here. Reason's Cathy Young
then reviewed Dave's review. I'll be reviewing Cathy's review of Dave's
review at some future date when I completely lose my fuckin' mind. By the
way, I have to disagree with the folks at reason who think that Malkin
"like Ann Coulter, is only kidding, while counting on her fans and
anti-fans to miss the joke." Sure, sure they are; and next week George
Bush is going to show up on TV with a brilliant, workable plan for the
future of Iraq and say "You see, in order for this to come together, I had
to pretend to be an idiot for all those years."

As for Malkin's book: I think I'll wait for the movie. Speaking of movies,
that's what we'll be talking about tomorrow.

* "Which, in Malkin's case, would be the yellow fever."
- Vienna Anonymous





Rodney on 12.14.05 @ 07:28 PM EST [link] [6 Comments]

Unrepentant

While there are plenty of benefits to living in a Capitalist society (the
pure Schadenfreude of seeing a former celebrity turn up in a late night
infomercial, women who'll make out with each other for Jell-O Shooters,
betting on Orphan Fights, etc), the major drawback is that, as Capitalism
evolves into a religion (at least here in America), society's wealthy
become its Saints and its poor become its Sinners. Think I'm being overly
dramatic? OK then, Mr. I-Was-In-The-Honors-Program, who got the bigger tax
cuts last year: the folks in New Orleans who, following Hurricane Katrina,
were standing on their roofs waiving their hand-me-down underwear in a sad
attempt to attract the attention of passing helicopters *, or the people
who watched the drama unfold on their high definition flat-screen TV's
from the comfort of their McMansions?

Sweet Beggar-Kicking Jesus, I'm starting to sound like one of those crazy
old hippies who show up at a Green party meetings, eats all the snacks,
and then launch into an epic tirade about how Dick Cheney is fixing the
prices in the bulk food section of the supermarket. Well, just because
something sounds insane doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't correct.
I'm sure, in retrospect, all of those people in Daly Plaza who were
pointing in the direction of the grassy knoll must've looked a little
silly to some of the other bystanders, but I feel confident that, if they
were alive today, they'd be saying "See? I told you so."


Anyhoo, never is this divide between "Haves", "Have Nots", and "Have: But
What I Have Is A Huge Pile Of Debts" more visible than at Christmas Time.
[Shit Luther, even the people who do have enough money to buy presents (or
maxed out their credit cards in order to do so) run a better-than-average
chance of hearing "I hate you! You've ruined Christmas!" because they
didn't make it perfectly clear to Santa that little Billy wanted an Xbox
and not a PS2] I'll spare you the sermon about the irony of this disparity
being highlighted during the celebration of the birth of a man who, by all
accounts, didn't have two shekels to rub together and whose advice to his
fellow poor consisted partially of "If you bums can't afford to buy a
sword, sell your frickin' clothes, ya' morons.". Instead, I'd like to
focus on me, or, more specifically, the things I would've purchased for
myself for Christmas, if I only had the cash. Please note: this is
not a pathetic to get one or two of you to buy me these things.
Not that I'm above that sort of thing, it's just that I'm well aware that
the only people with less money than me are my readers.

The List:

National Geographic DNA Test: This would come in extremely handy
for finally answering those nagging questions which have plagued my family
for years as to our ethnic origins (while, perhaps helping to explain the
fate of the Neanderthal). Cost $100

The God Who Wasn't There: Even two years after its release, well
meaning Christians still try to get me to watch Mel Gibson's Law & Order:
Jew Patrol The Passion of the Christ; somehow thinking that spending
three hours watching some Hippy get his ass kicked (he should've followed
his own advice and bought that sword) is going to make me suddenly drop to
my knees and denounce the rational part of my brain. If I owned a copy of
this documentary, I could say "OK; first we'll watch your movie, then
we'll watch mine. Cost $24.95

Allllllllllrighty, that's all your friend and humble narrator wants for
Xmas. Let me just break out my calculator and see what that comes to. Got
it, roughly $125.

Now, at this point, you're probably thinking "Sweet, starving Jesus in a
bread line, you can't be that poor. If you don't have the cash, why not
just put those things on your credit card?"

First of all, yes, I am that poor: we all are, in the sense that we
continuously spend money that could be going towards our bills on crap
that we don't really need.

The difference between most poor people and me is that I am what I like
to call "unrepentantly poor". In other words: unless something is an
absolute necessity, or unless I can get it second hand (which, in the case
of the DNA kit, would not only be impractical but pretty fuckin'
disgusting), I don't want it. It's not that I'm cheap; it's just that, if
society is so determined to canonize the likes of Donald Trump and Paris
Hilton, then I'd rather be a Heretic.

Lord Byron once claimed the title of "England's Greatest Sinner". Well,
whoopy-fuckin-doo. If you consider the times in which he lived, that was
really no great accomplishment: especially when you take into account the
fact that England's Second Greatest Sinner, one Dr. Tertius Lydgate of
Middlemarch, earned his title by "having once gotten a good, long look at
a woman's bare ankle. In the ballpark of sin, Lord Byron was a Minor
Leaguer.

With my unrepentant poverty and my refusal to play by Society's consume
'til you puke rules, I'm hoping to one day nab the title of "America's
Greatest Sinner".


This would be a good time to remind all of you that Saturnalia begins
this Saturday, December 17th. Io Saturnalia!

* Remember all those reports about New Orleans' poor firing on Nation
Guard helicopters? Did you know that there was only one actual incident
of a helicopter being fired upon, and that was by a twenty-year-old
man with a history of mental illness?



Rodney on 12.12.05 @ 08:08 PM EST [link] [9 Comments]