Thoughtless for the Day

Big Assed Weekend Edition (My Kid Could Do That)

Around 5am this morning, Vienna woke me up to inform me that she thought
she heard someone breaking into our house. Since our home is more secure
than Dick Cheney's bunker (Hey, if you received some of the "fan" mail
that I get, you'd live inside a veritable fortress, too), I wasn't really
all that worried.

"Unless you can convince me that the Army Corp of Engineers is so
desperate for pocket change and Dead Milkmen CD's that they've tunneled
into our basement from Fort Billy Bragg, I'm going back to sleep. "

"But the cat heard it, too"

Gentle reader, my cat is, for lack of a better term, crazier than a
shithouse rat. She's a stray that Vienna found living in the alley behind
our old apartment and, against my pleas, took in. Having had lived a
somewhat feral existence, the cat suffers from a sort of Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder that's normally only seen in War Orphans, Disaster
Survivors, and former members of the Australian Nu Wave band Men at
Work. To be blunt, the cat sees and hears shit that just ain't there
at least eight or nine times a day. Felis mala!

Now, if my wife were not an attractive woman, I'd be sitting in a jail
cell, right now, telling the rest of this story to my cellmate/life
partner, Bald-headed John (He's almost two kilometers tall). Since I'm
married to a fine looking woman (There's a lesson, here, guys), I felt it
incumbent upon me that I crawl out of bed and spend the next 10 minutes
making sure that some super villain had not dismantled our electronic
security system, or catapulted over our eight-foot-high barbwire topped
garden wall.

5:10 and all is well. Except that now I'm awake. Well, at least
Gothic was on Flix.

If you've never seen Gothic, don't feel like life has passed you by.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad movie. It's just not film that would
cause you to burst into tears if you'd discovered that you'd forgotten to
set your TIVO to record it.

I watched it mainly because I feel that I owed director Ken Russell
something for getting Amanda Donohoe to get nekkid in The Lair of the
White Worm. Moving right along…

Gothic tells the story (as only Ken Russell really can) of the booze
and drug fueled party at Lord Byron's vacation home which lead to Mary
Shelley conceiving Frankenstein (wastes a minute of Conan O'Brien's time)
and Dr. John Polidori penning The Vampyre (Which would later inspire
Bram Stoker to write Dracula, which , in turn, inspired the good
people at General Foods to create Count Chocula - a cereal that was
enjoyed with much relish [and even more sugar] by Johnny Wurster who plays
the role of Frankenstein on the Conan O'Brien show. Ouch, my head. ).

Fans of Gothic Literature seem to find it almost impossible to zip up their
collective pie-holes about this fabled evening. "Frankenstein and Dracula
were born on the same night" they slur from behind their pewter goblets of
absinthe.

And I'm supposed to be impressed, why?

When you consider the amount of wine and opium consumed at that bash and
then toss in the presence of the nymphomaniacal Shelley sisters, it not
surprising that they came up with Frankenstein and Dracula.
What is surprising is that they also didn't come up with Freddy Kruger,
the Terminator, and six volumes of Letters to Penthouse. Bunch o'
underachievers.

Speaking of Lord Byron and underachievers, a while back I happened to catch
on episode of PBS's Regency House Party. Not many people caught this
series when it originally aired because PBS did a pretty crappy job of
promoting it (Probably for the same reason that ODESSA failed to publicize
its efforts to sneak former Nazis out of Europe and into South America).
Anyway, on the episode of what has got to be TV's strangest dating show
that I saw, the producers had some actor portraying Lord Byron drop by for
dinner.

Now, I don't mean to critical (what I mean to be is cruel), but the guy
portraying Lord Byron did a rather lousy job. Note to all of you aspiring
actors out there: if someone is paying you to be Lord Byron, then - for the
love of Hubbard - be Lord Byron. Get drunk, knock up a scullery
maid or two, and, if anyone calls you to task for your behavior, have them
whipped - or, better yet, whip them yourself.
_ . _

If you caught Wednesday's Paul Kircher show (if you didn't, you can listen
to it here) then you were probably almost as surprised as I was to learn
that both True Crime author Ann Rule and I graduated from the same High
School. Trust me on this one, people; nothing could prepare a person for a
career as a True Crime writer than a stint in my old High School.

Inspired by this strange coincidence, I have embarked on creating a series
of True Petty Crime novels. You'll want to keep your eyes peeled for
such upcoming titles as The Shoplifter Beside Me, The Hillside
Loiterers, and The California Night-Streaker.
_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
paidion - child; slave.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
tamen - however



Rodney on 12.10.04 @ 04:29 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

Three-of-a-Kind

Hopefully, this'll be the last piece about religion that I'll write for a
while. To be honest (which I promise never to be again), I'm getting a
little bored with the subject. Add to that the fact that I've got a ton of
work to do on the Patriots Against Senator Santorum web site, so
I'm hoping to post some stuff here that I can also use over there. What?
Well, screw you, too.

Shortly after the chick-flick The Passion of The Christ was
released MTV decided to investigate the controversy surrounding the movie
by sending a Born-Again Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim (All in their late
teens or early twenties) to review/endure it. A Christian, a Jew, and a
Muslim all walk into a movie theater…

Predictably, the Christian came out pissed off, and the Jewish kid wanted
his money back. Surprisingly, the Muslin (a young woman) was bawling her
eyes out. "I feel so bad about what they [read "the Jews"] did to Jesus."
What no one at MTV (because it's MTV) failed to point out is that Muslims
do not believe that Jesus was crucified. They also have a prohibition
against portraying divine beings or Prophets in art or on film. In other
words, this chick was doubly full of shit.

Few Americans have read the Quran. Did you know that the Virgin Mary is
mentioned, by name, more times in the Quran than in the Bible? Most
Christians are unaware of this. Just as most Muslims seem either unaware
of, or unwilling to discuss, Mohammed's nine-year-old wife.

What's amazing to me are the Christians who claim that Muslims,
Christians, and Jews do not worship the same God or pen creepy "'Religion
of Peace', my ass" rants. These are the same people who get pissed off
when Atheists mention the Crusades, The Inquisition, or the Salem Witch
Trials.

Christians used to aim their religious ire at the Jews, until they decided
that in order for Jesus' Second Coming to take place (which they assure us
will be happening any day now ) Israel must not only exist, but must
also be brimming with Jews.

What these Christians fail to mention is that if their interpretation of a
2,000 year-old book of dietary laws is correct, then 99.9% of the Jews
living in Israel will be killed during the Tribulation. The few lawyers,
diamond merchants, and Jackie Mason fan club members who survive will be
converted to Christianity. So if you think that the crowds of Christmas
shoppers are bad now...

Muslims and Jews need each other for target practice.

Christians, Muslims, and Jews not only need each other - the deserve
each other.


_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
tarixeuw - embalm, mummify.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
celeriter - quickly



Rodney on 12.09.04 @ 05:41 PM EST [link] [6 Comments]

Judy in Disguise

Alrighty…Judging by the megs of email that came flooding into my inbox
over the last 24 hours, it seems that many of you would like me to
elaborate on my statement yesterday that no, I certainly do not hate
Christians.

Let me make this perfectly clear, I love practically everybody. I
love Muslims, Jews (Sorry to hear about Chanukah getting chopped down to
just seven days, my Kosher Crew), Taoists, Buddhists,
Scientologists (Go, L. Ron!), Pagans, Hindus, and up to 64% of all
Unitarians.

But, most of all and despite their propensity for burning things down
(like the Globe Theater and the Library of Alexandria) and blowing things
up (like the Oklahoma City Federal Building) , I especially love
Christians.

The American Abolitionist movement was spearheaded by Christians. As were
the Anti-Nuclear and Civil Rights movements. William Penn, who founded the
greatest city on Earth, was a devout Christian - as was Martin Luther
King. C.S Lewis? Christian. J.R.R. Tolkien? Christian. Catherine of Aragon,
Stephen Hawking, and Little Richard? Christian, Christian, and flamboyant
Christian.

Sadly, it only takes a few bad apples to fuck up an entire barrel. 19
cowardly - and no doubt mildly retarded - hijackers fucked up the Islamic
barrel for the next couple of centuries. The Jewish barrel (which I
could've gotten for you wholesale) was fucked up a combination of
walling off the Palestinians and failing to wall off Marvin Hamlisch.

There are so many individuals and groups we could point the
middle-finger-of-blame at for transforming the message of Jesus Christ
from "Love thy neighbor" to "Git offa my lawn, Faggot!" that singling one
or two of them out would be pointless. Then again, so is a 41-year-old man
spending hours, every day, blogging. OK, here are some major assholes:

The Parents Television Council

Who are the Parents Television Council (and why do they fear apostrophes)?
Well, just in case you didn't know - and FFC Chairman Michael Powell
apparently didn't - this group of concerned parents and bad grammarians
are responsible for 99.8 percent of all indecency complaints sent in to
the Federal Communications Commission.

Shit, Luther, are you trying to tell me that an entire organization had to
be formed and then engaged in petitioning the Federal Government just
because a bunch of morons couldn't find the off button on their
remotes?

As much as I consider the loathesome cretins at the Parents' Television
Council to be detestable idiots who have nothing better to do than pester
the FCC with ridicules complaints, I will be forever in their debt for this
broadside against Sex in the City that manages to do what I had
previously believed to be impossible - make the show sound interesting.
Rock on, PTC.


Concerned Women For America

Yeah, yeah, you knew I was gonna rip into this twisted collection of
post-menopausal Fundamentalist storm troopers, but what you may not have
known is that I'm merely using them as a steppingstone to get to my actual
target - Dr. Judith Reisman.

Gentle reader, I know that you and I have spoken before about how the
Harpies at CWFA have their pantaloons in a bunch over the new film
Kinsey, but we really need to have a chat about the woman who has
served as the source for all of the misinformation that CWFA is spreading
like so much pig shit in a pasture.

Dr Judy, who heads an organization called RSVPAmerica (Restoring
Social Virtue & Purity to America…Beee-ach!) and used to pen songs for
Captain Kangaroo (No, I didn't make that up), is the recent recipient of an
"Abstie" award for lifetime achievement in the field of abstinence-only
education (No, I didn't make that up, either). She is also given to gross
exaggerations and, on occasion, flat-out lies.

Unencumbered by lack of evidence, Reisman has claimed that Kinsey
sought out pedophiles and encouraged them to molest children, then
report back to him. She has even gone so far as to say "there is absolutely
no reason to believe that Kinsey himself was not involved in the sexual
abuse of these children."

Wow. Of course, this would all be easier to believe had not Dr. Reisman
also clamed that Kinsey's death was due to (brace yourselves) "brutal,
repetitive self-abuse" , likened the "recruitment techniques" of
homosexuals those used by the United States Marine Corps (Semper Fi, my,
my) and insisted that Homosexuals were not victims of the Holocaust.
Statements that couldn't have been crazier had she delivered them while
wearing a pinwheel hat atop her gorilla suit.

Well, now you know a little more about Dr. Judy, which means that you have
a little more information than a lot of other folks out there. Remember,
the Christian thing to do when you have more than others is to share.

_ . _

Here's a link that should cheer you all up.

_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
klephj - thief.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
vinolentus - fond of wine



Rodney on 12.08.04 @ 07:55 PM EST [link] [11 Comments]

The Wild Bunch

As promised yesterday, we'll be getting to the matter of rather or not I
hate Christians. But there are a couple of things I wanna get outta the
way before I open up that Diet of Worms.

First, RATYHTL Now features Rick Santorum Ecards (Ribbed, for her
pleasure). If you like your Ecards on a more "in-joke" level, however, may
I suggest this Ecard which features RATYHTL's own "Doc". Milkmen fans take
note: The "Doc" Christmas card is a collaborative effort between Dean and
me (Although I never bothered to tell Dean).

Second, all this week on his minutely popular CNN show,Lou Dobbs -
After Dark, Lou Dobbs (no relation to JR "Bob" Dobbs) will be
contributing to the steady decline of culture in America by studying the
steady decline of culture in America.

My problem with this is that in order for American culture to have
declined, it must have peaked at one point - can I get a witness? Well,
when exactly was that? The way it see it, America is a success because we
lost some things of moderate cultural importance, while gaining things of
great cultural importance. For example, while most young people cannot
recite the Porter's speech from McBeth (assuming that there actual was a
time in American history - and Nathan assures me that there was - when
most young people could), women have the right to vote (Unlike in, oh
let's say, Kuwait).

See, it's a trade-off…maybe even a trade-up. Using our past to
track the fall of the culture of a society as dynamic as our own would be
like saying "Teens have been completely unfamiliar with the works of
Milton since we stopped lynching those uppity Negroes!"

Inevitably, these "Culture in Decline" pieces feature someone bitching and
moaning about how "young people no longer respect their elders." Let's get
something straight - young people never respected their elders.
What has lately been misconstrued as respect was, in fact, fear. Young
people used to "respect' their elders in the same manner as which
Russians used to "respect" Stalin.

Even if we, as Americans, are experiencing a steady decline in Culture
(which neither Lou Dobbs nor anyone else, for that matter, has managed to
define to my satisfaction), does that mean that today's young people are
necessarily dumber than their ancestors?

Sure, our ancestors may've have know a little more about opera and
literature than today's youngsters, but could they operate a Game Boy or
an Xbox? Noam Chomsky may be a pretty bright guy, but I'll bet you
dollars-to-doughnuts that my nineteen-year-old nephew could kick his ass
at Grand Theft Auto

Speaking of Noam Chomsky, last night I witnessed an incredible piece of
Postmodern Deconstruction that would've made Noam proud - well, maybe if
it didn't take place during TV Land's 100 Most Memorial Television Moments.

Number 96 in the parade of memorial TV moments (beating out Lee Harvey
Oswald's murder and the first moon landing) was the episode of the Brady
Bunch during which Marsha gets hit in the nose with a football ("Ouch, my
nose!")

While I admit that I've always greatly enjoyed that episode, I never
understood exactly why until Christopher Knight (the actor who played
Peter) explained that Marsha had become a National Icon of Beauty and
Perfection and that he was merely acting as an instrument of the
subconscious will of the American people when he smashed her nose with
that football. In other words, deep-down-inside (or on the surface, in
the case of my family), we all wanted to see Marsha's pretty face get
disfigured, and Peter gladly obliged.

Now, as for the question of rather or not I hate Christians, the answer
is, of course, "No, I certainly do not!" Well, I hope that that settles
the matter for once and all.

_ . _

In order to help you, the gentle readers of RATYHTL, keep track of my
numerous television appearances I will be posting a list of programs on
which I will not be appearing either in the near or distant future:

Tonight, December 7, 2004, I will not be appearing on:

ABC's Nightline

Scarborough Country

Animal Cops: Detroit

_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
klephj - thief.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
bibere - to drink



Rodney on 12.07.04 @ 02:21 PM EST [link]

But Enough About Me…

I swear to Hubbard that I've got a million dollar imagination and a ten
cent head for business. Case in point: I'm listening to NPR yesterday and
they're talking to their "Tech Reporter" who, it just so happens, has just
published a book consisting of his replies to Spam.

OK, now I'm pissed off for a couple of reasons. First, of course, is that
I (or, to be more precise, Fongo) was doing this sort of thing years ago.
Second, no matter how funny this guy's book is (and, judging by the
interview, the answer has got to be "not very"), I'm positive it can't be
as funny as You've Got Fongo. Finally, and most importantly, is all
the cash that I kissed away by not having the foresight to realize that I
could turn You've Got Fongo into a book ala The Lazlo
Letters.

At least twice a day I come up with a million dollar idea (For example,
"Poe-Jamas" - Pajamas with pictures of Edgar Allen Poe on them. And let's
not forget my Punch and Judy video game), but fail to follow through.
While this is, naturally, bad news for me, it's also bad news for
you, gentle reader. For, you see, I'm a "share-the-wealth" kinda
guy. If I strike it rich, then it's private island paradises for everybody
(except, of course for the "indigenous peoples" of said islands, whose
lives will, no doubt, be transformed into a sort of living nightmare as
they are forced to ferry us from bar to bar on their sun burnt backs while
calling us "bwana" )!

I mention this not to illicit your pity (or send you stampeding towards
the RATYHTL web store), but because I feel that you should a little
something about me - as little as possible, in fact.

A few days ago, I hit upon the idea (not a million dollar one) of
replacing that dead "contact" link on the masthead with a link to an
"About Me" section. This idea came to me because, following the
memorial/benefit concerts, I was bombarded with emails asking questions
about my life. The most common one being "How could you just let yourself
go like that?"

This is a great question because it focuses on the physical rather than
the intellectual or spiritual (which are far less important). Never forget
that a person's appearance is the real window to their soul. Very thin
people, for example, don't give a rat's ass about your thoughts or
feelings. They're too busy glancing about hoping to catch sight of Sally
Struthers and wondering if you have anything in your 'frig. Very fat people
tend to have been born in Tupelo Mississippi and live out the rest of
their lives in Memphis, Tennessee, biting the heads off of chickens for
the amusement of gawking teenagers.

So, how did I become so fat and bald? Well, it was an act of devotion. You
see (enim), I've been married for ten years. The minute that two people
say "I do", one of them immediately embarks on a sort of "physical
landslide". Now, I could've been a selfish bastard and let my wife be the
one who gained 100 lbs and lost 90% of her hair, but that's just not me,
so I "took one for the team" - so to speak. This is why my wife is able to
subsist on a diet of chocolate and pasta while still looking 15 years
younger than me, while I - a staunch vegetarian who shuns sweets - am
rapidly approaching "The Marlon Brando Zone."

Well, now you know a little more about me (I am a fat, unselfish man).
Tomorrow, I'll address the second most common question addressed to me -
"Why do you hate Christians?"

By the way, does anyone out there know anything about this guy?

_ . _

To all who either attended or expressed an interest in Friday (12/03/04)
evening's Patriots Against Senator Santorum meeting, here is a brief
summary of what was discussed.

1) The Libertarian Party of Philadelphia has extended an invitation to
members of our upstanding group to drop by their meetings which take place
every third Wednesday of the month (that would make the next meeting on
December 15th) from 8 to 10 PM at Cosi 36th and Walnut. Nothing brings
people of different political persuasions together like a deep-seated
hatred of a not-too-bright Senator.

2) It was agreed upon that we should secure a website and domain as
quickly as possible. The cost of this website will be paid for by PASS
members John R. and yours truly (we've already begun selling pints of our
blood to raise the money, and John has a line on a guy in the Philippines
who wants to buy one of my kidneys).

This brings to light the question of what our domain name should be.
Personally, I feel that patriotsagainstsenatorsantorum.org is far too
cumbersome of a URL. Since pass.org is already taken, I'd like your input
on possible domain names. I'm leaning toward stopsantorum.org, myself, but
I'm certain that you folks might have some better (if not unprintable)
ideas.

3). Our next meeting is scheduled to take place at 7:00pm on Friday,
January 7th (Elvis' Birthday!), at Fergie's.


_ . _

Hey, hey, hey! Mike A. of ookworld fame has sent word that the
soundtrack of Lord Love A Duck is available for free downloading.

_ . _

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
etoj - year.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
enim - for, you see



Rodney on 12.06.04 @ 09:26 AM EST [link]