Thoughtless for the Day

Blair Despairs and Nobody Cares

Howdy, gentlemen callers and numismatic enthusiasts. I've been posting
Blair's (Lisa Whelchel's) monthly E-Letters for some time now and, as
you damn well know, I tend to preface each one with a little paragraph
warning you, gentle reader, to prepare yourself for what you are about
to read: Well, not this time; because nothing, and I mean nothing can
prepare you for the assault on your frontal lobes that is Blair's
November Iiiiaaaaeeee-Letter. I once awoke to find myself alone and
under a shrub in a remote section of Mexican desert with only a sketchy
memories of the proceeding week and nothing in my pockets except for a
court order mandating that I must stay at least five hundred feet away
from Winona Ryder, and I was taken aback by the sheer insanity of
Blair's Binary Broadsheet. My wife's pet name for me is "The Bad
Lieutenant" and yet I was forced, midway through Blair's midwinter
manifesto, to turn my gaze heavenward and scream "Why hast thou forsaken
me?"

Many of you have written me (while others have tried to beam their
thoughts directly into my skull) to point out that Blair's behavior seems
to become more and more inexplicable with each E-Letter (which is really
saying something when you consider that the first E-Letter contained the
infamous "poop-filled brownies" story). What can I say other than that my
younger sister, a Psychologist, began to refer to Blair alternately as
"a most interesting specimen" and "one crazy bitch" about four E-letters
ago. At this rate, I'm bound to use the title "Blair Gets a Wild Hair Up
Her Derrière" before Spring.

Anyhoo, at least those of you who've always wondered what the holidays
must've been like in Jonestown are in for a teat.

Igor, through the switch!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

November 2005 E-Letter

If you have any friends that would appreciate reading this E-letter, please
forward it to them by clicking this link: Send to a Friend


Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid. [OK, stop right there!
As an opening line, "On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid" is
rivaled only by Franz Kafka's "As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning form
uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic
insect" and Donald Barthelme's "Suddenly, rounding the corner, I ran into
the Swedish Army"; except, of course, that Kafka and Barthelme came up
with there opening lines through years of study and hundreds of re-writes,
while Blair merely stumbled onto hers the way a blind squirrel might
stumble upon an acorn…or a landmine.]


On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid [form uneasy dreams to
find myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic insect]. I went to
bed the night before having discovered for the second time in a week that
Tucker had watched a movie that would not have been allowed - had he
bothered to ask or even think. On both occasions a friend was spending
the night and brought the DVD over. I understand that it would have been
difficult and embarrassing to say, "Hey, that is not the kind of movie
that I want to watch" or even, "My parents would kill me if I watched that
kind of movie in our home." [Well, I, for one, find it impossible to
believe that someone named Tucker could be less than truthful.]


I'm also not so naïve [Now who would be foolish enough to presume, for
one minute, that a Fundamentalist former child actress who lives in a
Texas suburb could possibly be naïve?] to think that he didn't want
to watch the movies. One was funny, (though inappropriate,) the other was
about Rock and Roll, (and all the worldliness that often accompanies it.)
I was angry that he watched the movies knowing how we, and more
importantly, the Lord would feel about it. I was afraid because I knew the
issue was of the heart.

I began the holiday morning depressed, oppressed, and feeling less than
festive [and with that "not-so-fresh" feeling]. Even the thought
of the upcoming feast couldn't bring me out of my doldrums. Thankfully,
I've learned over the years that when I least feel like worshiping the
Lord is usually the time when I need to the most.

So, I began to think of character traits of the Lord and dwell on them,
rather than the circumstances of this particular morning. God is faithful,
merciful, powerful, loving - to me and my children. I then began to think
of promises in His Word for my children and rest in them rather than in
what I could see or feel or fear in this moment.

I would love to share some of the promises I found just in case you are in
a place with your own children where you could appreciate an encouraging
reminder that it isn't entirely up to us. [Sorry Blair, but my wife and
I have decided to remain childless; however, had we known that kids
occasionally come home with "unacceptable" DVD's, we may've given the
matter a second thought] God is alive and well and powerful and
faithful to move in and on our children's hearts [God, as described by
Blair, sure sounds a lot like Michael Jackson].

[OK, here Blair's list a bunch of quotes from the Bible. She selectively
picks out the "Jesus loves the little children" stuff and omits the stuff
about how you should hate your parents. Since I'm certain that none of
there quotes are going to be helpful to little Tucker (after all, despite
hearing them repeated everyday of his life, he still tried to sneak a copy
of Princess Orgasma and the Magic Bed into the house), I'm just
going to pass along an apple of wisdom I plucked from a Richard Devine
song:

Women are sweet
And Girls are honey
But beat your meat
And save your money]

I was so encouraged by these promises that I decided to find some more to
correspond with some of the other anxieties I was currently fighting.
[Ooooh, here's one from Mark 5:13: "And forthwith Jesus gave them leave.
And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd
ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two
thousand;) and were choked in the sea." ]

Steve and I are still recovering from the great financial losses we
incurred trying to get the MomTime Get-A-Ways off the ground the last few
years. We eventually cut our losses and gave the idea to LifeWay to
produce, for which we are very grateful. [Cry me a river, bitch. Now
you know what it's like to be strapped-for-cash in Bush's America: Welcome
to my world, you delusional circus whore.]

Unfortunately, we are still working our way through some loans we took out
for seed money [Ha, ha. Blair cast her bread upon the water and all the
stupid bitch got back was a thousand loaves of soggy bread]. (As well
as some unwise stewardship issues. [I would kill to know the details
behind that sentence. I'd better keep a close eye on The Smoking Gun for
the next few months.]) God has been faithful and we know He will
continue to be faithful but we still occasionally struggle with questions
like, "How? & When?" will this all be behind us. I was encouraged to find
the following Scriptures and I hope they will relieve any worries you may
be carrying in the area of finances.

[This time, Blair bombards here readers (or "reader" as the case may be
) with a buttload of Bible quotations about money which I found to be as
useful as tits on a bull, so I'll just supply my own from Leviticus 11:10

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of
all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the
waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.

See, God hates shrimp! So you can save tons of money by not buying the
little satanic crustaceans.]

While doing a search in my Logos Bible Software I discovered a few more
promises that I thought might speak to one of you this holiday season. If
you are interested in discovering them, click here to read the rest of my
journal entry from this week.

We have so much to be thankful for! If, for whatever reason, you were
unable to have a happy Thanksgiving, I hope these promises have enabled you
to have a joyous one. Remember, happiness is based on circumstances; joy
is based on the character of God. He is worthy of our praise and
thanksgiving any day. [You know, if you take the bits about God out of
that paragraph, it's kind of a nice sentiment. Shame that Blair pisses all
over by moving on to…]

Christmas Giving (and Getting) Ideas [Cha-ching!]

We are still offering our huge Christmas sale. I've cut most all of the
prices on my books to $10 dollars or under to help make your Christmas
shopping more affordable [Gee, thanks.]. Remember, I will also
autograph any gifts you choose to give. Just put the names [Haywood
Jablowme, Ben Dove, C. Howitt Pheals…] in the "Comments" field on the
order page and I will sign them personally to all of your friends and
relatives.

To take advantage of these prices through Christmas Day click here.

MomTime Getaway in Texas

If you live in or around the Austin, Texas area, have you thought about
asking your husband to send you to the upcoming "MomTime Getaway" in
January? ["asking your husband to send you" What kind of fossilized
bullshit is that? Ladies, have you thought about asking your husbands why
math is so darn hard or whom you should vote (or, for that matter, if you
should even be allowed to vote)?] For more information click here.



Rodney on 12.03.05 @ 01:35 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

Balls To You, Big Daddy

[For those of you keeping score, this will be the second day in a row in
which I open by referring to a film populated by drunken college
students.]

In the words of Flounder from Animal House, "Oh boy, this is gonna be
great!"

The good folks at crooksandliars.com (yes, the people who exposed the
true, Jesus-hating, nature of madwoman-behind-the-wheel Laura Bush) have
found Bill O'Reilly's balls. No, not the greasy, little pair he fondles
with a falafel while inserting a …well, you know. crooksandliars.com have
found Bill's Holliday balls:

The O'Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament - Product #:FOX21001200
Put your holiday tree in "The No Spin Zone" with this silver glass
"O'Reilly Factor" ornament.

Oooooh yeah, the man who thinks that anyone caught using the phrase "Happy
Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" should be slapped into an orage
jumpsuit and shipped off to Gitmo has been caught with his balls hanging
out for the whole world to see.

Newsflash: As soon as word got out about Bill's delicate balls,
FOX pulled a Winston Smith and changed the text on the site.

…but wait, there's more…

For the same reason that motorists slow down to gawk at traffic accidents,
today I suffered over to The Blogged Toilet were I found an interesting
tidbit. It seems that some guy named Kevin McCullough has started a
campaign to mail Christmas Cards to the ACLU.

Wow, that's a really sweet thing for Kevin to do. You know, so many Right
Wingers just aren't smart enough to understand that the ACLU fights for
the rights of everyone; Christian, Jew, Peyote-eating Injun, or
Godless Heathen (like me). It's great to see Kevee bucking the trend.

Sadly, the folks Kevin's behind Kevin's website, Crosswalk.com, seem to
lack the access to the millions of dollars and hundreds of Active Server
Page Scientists that we, here at RATYHTL, are privileged to possess,
because they have yet to "develop" an E-card.

Wait! RATYHTL has Saturnalia E-Cards! Golly, we could should Kevin our
appreciation for what he's doing by sending him a Saturnalia E-Card! I bet
he'll be tickled pink.

Here's Kevin's email address: kmc@wmca.com

Remember to be extremely polite (I'm serious). I don't want Kevin to think
that we're a bunch of violent losers like the husband of a certain
pugnacious Pacific Islander.


Wisdom From My Wife:

Regarding yesterday's piece about the FCC cracking down on cable and
satellite television (which I should've titled "Satellite of Lust"),
Vienna had the following thought:

"When I see Pat Robertson on TV, I change the channel; I don't call a
Congressional Hearing. Why can't these idiots do the same when they see
something they don't like?"

PS. Don't miss this weekend's blog. One word: Blair!



Rodney on 12.01.05 @ 08:09 PM EST [link] [12 Comments]

But why should you have to?

In one of the over 200,000 great scenes in the film Eurotrip (truly the
Citizen Kane of Teen Sex Comedies), Cooper turns on a TV set in Germany
and sees an orange juice ad featuring two topless lesbians (sadly, the
set-up for this joke was cut from the film but you can catch it during
the closing credits. Scotty doesn't know. Scotty doesn't know. Scotty
doesn't knoooooooow.). I've watched a lot of TV while vacationing and
touring in Europe (it's OK, because I balance my tube time by going to a
museum or two) and I can attest to the fact that the aforementioned scene
is the most accurate depiction of European television ever filmed:
GOD BLESS YOU, PRODUCERS OF EUROTRIP!

Since Europe has a lower murder rate coupled with a higher literacy rate
and a higher standard of living (and, of course, all the fun stuff that
can be found in the real Euro-Disney: Amsterdam) you'd think that
there'd be a movement underway somewhere, other than on this website, to
model American television more on its slutty European cousin: you know;
less killing and more "ooba-dooba". Instead, the exact opposite is
happening. Earlier this week, the FFC warned cable and satellite
program providers to protect kids from the sight of titties on TV or risk
the return of the Inquisition.

That's right, the government of a nation-at-war actually found time in
which to conduct hearings over rather or not catching two minutes of a
Sex in the City re-run on TBS might cause some little recess monkey's
tender skull to explode. That's the bad news. One bit of good news is
that these hearings provided a jaded world with a new set of wonderfully
moronic quotes:

"You can always turn the television off and, of course, block the channels
you don't want, but why should you have to?" That piece of stellar wisdom
was provided by FCC Chairman Kevin Martin who has also stubbornly refused
to turn off his blender after making strawberry dackeries and has never,
to my knowledge, closed the door to his house, even when he saw a bear
rummaging through his garbage: sure, he could have, but why should he have
to?

Senator Mark Pryor (the only man in Arkansas with a "picture box")
testified that he's "scared to death" each time his kids turn on the TV.
He's also a little jumpy around "coloreds". On Wednesday, Mark signed on
to a bill co-sponsored by Sam Brownback (Republican, Kansas) and Joe
Lieberman (Democrat, Israel) that would increase existing FCC indecency
fines ten-fold to a maximum of 325,000 per incident of titties or titty-
like behavior. "In a media culture that increasingly pushes the envelope
on sex and violence, the role of the FCC is to ensure that broadcasters
do not cross that line of decency," whined Lieberman while ensuring that
the next season of Deadwood is gonna suck Bronto.

"We're only talking about restrictions on indecency from 6AM to 10PM,"
squeaked Frank Wright, head of the National Religious Broadcasters, in
the most effeminate way possible. That might not be such a bad thing if
A) we weren't talking about cable and satellite television: to which people
subscribe B) from 10PM to 6AM an "Anything (and I mean 'Anything')
goes" policy is adopted. C) I didn't have to go to bed at 10PM so that I
can get up at 6Am to go to my crappy job.

Oh, and (according to reason.com) some (no doubt obese) woman from the
Christian Coalition said some crazy shit about how she shudders for her
country when she reflects that God loves only the Disney Channel.

One possible outcome of Fucking Crybaby Fest '05 (as future generations
will, undoubtedly, call these hearings) might be the advent of "Cable Ala
Carte": a system that would let users to subscribe to only the channels
they choose.

On the surface, this sounds like a great idea. I, for one, am forced to
pay for two Spanish language channels. Since I don't speak a word of
Spanish (and very few of English), the only show I'm able to fully
appreciate is Caliente; and that's only because that program is
broadcast in the "international language: Sexy, sexy women in tiny, tiny
bikinis. But think for a moment about how the ability to choose what
channels you want might mean an end to the late-night serendipity
encountered while channel surfing. If I hadn't been forced to subscribe
to BET (I, like Senator Mark Pryor, am a little jumpy around "coloreds".)
I would've never encountered the 3AM Bacchanalia that is Uncut.

And think about the myopic worldviews that'll only be worsened when crazy
old rednecks are allowed to only subscribe to FOX News and the Tractor Pull
Network, and smelly hippy chicks who will now be allowed to only pay for
the Independent Film Channel and Lifetime.

Thank you, but I like my TV just the way it is.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS UPDATE

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Republican, Satan's Asshole) today
recommended that the annual Capitol Holiday Tree, as it has been
called the past several years, be renamed the Capitol Christmas Tree.
"I strongly urge that we return to this tradition and join the White
House, countless other public institutions and millions of American
families in celebrating the holiday season with a Christmas tree",
bubbled Hastert from a pool of his own filth.

OK, three quick thought:

One: Since the Supreme Court has ruled that Christmas Trees are
secular symbols, I couldn't give a rat's ass what Hastert calls it.

Two: If I did give a rat's ass about what they should be called, I'd
insist that they be called "Balder Trees", since Christians swiped the
idea from Norse Pagans.

Three: Hastert molests hairless mole-rats.




Rodney on 11.30.05 @ 08:00 PM EST [link] [4 Comments]

Saturnalia Not Glue

Hey there, shadowy figures. As we get closer and closer to the
holiday (singular), I'll be posting a series of Merry Saturnalia ecards.
The first one can be found here. Sure you can send 'em to your friends
(prisoners love to get mail), but I've found that you can have a lot
more fun if you go to the trackback section under any of Michelle Malkin's
posts, pick a link, follow that link (RATYHTL is not responsible for
blindness incurred by reading the musings of people who think Malkin is
some sort of deep thinker), find the website owner's email, and send the
wingnut a card. You can even put something nice in the comments section like:

Dearest ___,

May Saturn and His wife Ops keep you in their care
this Saturnalia and throughout the New Year.


That's from a Christmas card I found online: I just substituted the name
"Saturn" for "the Prince of Peace", "wife Ops" for "Holy Mother" and
"Saturnalia" for "Christmas"

I'm tellin' ya', people, this Saturnalia thing has legs. Why just the other
day I…

Hold on. I'm getting some breaking new about the War On Christmas. Yes.
Yes it seems that Laura Bush hates Christmas. I repeat; this just
in: according to crooksandliars.com, First Lady Laura Bush has just taken
a massive shit all over the Savior by using the profane pagan term
"Happy Holidays." And if that revelation took you by surprise, you'll
never believe who else has joined the Dark Forces allied against Christmas.

Oh the humanity! This is one of the worst catastrophes in the world! I have
to get inside; I can't bear to watch this!



Rodney on 11.29.05 @ 07:52 PM EST [link]

Who Shit a Christmas Tree?

Sweet bronco-busting Buddha spreading Karma on the tits of the Gilmore
Girls! I take a little break from blogging and when I return I'm 40
lbs lighter but the world, with the possible exception of Dover, PA, has
gotten a whole lot dumber. It's like running out to the corner store to
pick up some cigarettes for the kids and coming home to find out that
Penn & Teller's Bullshit has been replaced with Carrot Top
Misplaces His Keys While Molesting a Blind Child With a Fork. Shit
Luther, in just a matter of a few months, Kansas replaced science with
divination, the former chairmaniac of PBS, Kenneth A. Konz (whose middle
initial should, by all rights, be K.) was thwarted in his attempt to rid
the airwaves of the pinko agitprop like Accordion Dreams and
Router Workshop when he was caught replacing Sesame Street
with Captain Rick Santorum's Patriotic Puppet Parade, and now we
all find out that Bush planned to bomb Al-Jazeera . To be fair, the White
House is claiming that Bush was only joking and apparently forgot that the
US has, in the past, accidentally bombed Al-Jazeera offices in Iraq and
Afghanistan. Translation: Bush is back on the sauce.

But if you're looking for proof that stupidity is spreading faster than
avian flu in a Chinese KFC (Kung Po Fried Chicken), you couldn't find a
better example than the latest obsession that's taken hold of American's
Logically-Challenged community: The War On Christmas.

Now, when I hear the word "Christmas" I immediately think of two things:
the first is the scene in John Water's feel-good family-friendly underwater
spectacular Female Trouble wherein Devine, as Dawn Davenport, who's
been traumatized by not receiving a pair of cha-cha heels for Christmas
begins stamping on all of the presents under the tree while screaming "I
hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas!" The second
thought which jumps into my head is an old joke: Two guys get on an
elevator. Neither of them is Gay so, at first, there's no punch line. A
few years later the first guy, who has recently been promoted to executive
vice-president of the Glade® Corporation, gets on the same elevator with
an old cleaning woman who, as soon as the elevator doors shut, farts. The
two ride together for a few more floors before the old woman gets off
(Oh Hell, let's make this a full-on Liberal screed and assume that the
old broad is force to continue working due to recent cuts in Medicaid).
Now the guy, who's been holding his breath for most of the ride, suddenly
realizes that he's got twenty-three more floors to ride up (remember, this
guy is an executive vice-president and shit only flows downhill, so his
office is near the top of the building) in an elevator which smells like
The Golden Girl's outhouse on stewed prunes night. Then the guy says to
himself, "Hey, now would be the perfect opportunity to check out Glade®'s
new pine-scented air freshener." So he reaches into his briefcase, produces
a can of pine-scented air freshener and proceeds to saturate the atmosphere
of the elevator with the wholesome scent of the forest. As soon as he
returns the can to his briefcase the elevator comes to a stop at the
fifteenth floor and the same guy who got on the elevator with him a few
years back gets on. Now, in the intervening years between when they first
shared the elevator and their reunion, the second guy has been going
through a pretty bad time. There was an "incident" involving some Little
Leaguers, a can of Turtle Wax, and a broom closet. Long-story-short: the
charges were dropped, but guy number two's (which is ironic because the
newspapers nicknamed him "the 'Number Two' Guy") wife still left him and
he started hitting the bottle pretty hard. In fact, he's completely drunk
as he stumbles into the elevator muttering some nonsense about bombing
Al-Jazeera. Guy number one, executive vice-president, tries to ignore him,
but guy number two keeps sniffing the air and grunting. Finally, guy
number two tugs on guy number one's shirtsleeve and slurs "Hey! Hey buddy,
who shit a Christmas tree?

If that's what goes through what's left of my brain when I hear the word
"Christmas", what d you think the average Fundie thinks of when they hear
the word "Christmas" being hollered across the trailer park? Do they think
of missal toe and jolly fat men going "Ho, ho ho"? Do their John Deere cap
adorned heads fill with visions of stockings hung by the chimney with care?
No, the first thought that slowly works its way across the average
Babbitt's thick skull upon hearing the word "Christmas" is "Gawdamn
Lib-ee-rals and the gawdamn ACLJEW wanna outlaw Christmas!" That's
right, the Fundies have their scratchy undergarments all in a knot over
what they have been told to believe is Secular America's (people who don't
own any Darryl Worley 8-tracks) "War On Christmas".
Before we go any further, yes, yes I know that this is just another "wedge
issue" cooked up by the less-then-one-percent of Americans who own
ninety-five percent of the country's wealth in order to trick the slower
members of the population into supporting economic policies that benefit
only the wealth. In other words, Travis is told that if Adam and Steve are
allowed to tie-the-knot then Travis' "traditional" marriage to Raylene
will become meaningless. Now, Travis and Raylene have certainly had their
share of difficulties (what with Raylene's ecstatic visions, Travis'
inability to drive sober, and the twins being diagnosed with eleven
separate learning disabilities), but Travis just can stand the idea that
he may've filled out all that extra paper work which allowed him to marry
his cousin for nothing. So Travis goes out and votes for the first
politician who promises to stem the tide of Homo matrimony. And what does
Travis get for his efforts? Does he get a Constitutional Amendment
banning Butt Pirate nuptial? Of course not. What he does get are the
other policies endorsed by the candidate Travis voted for. You
know; the economic policies: like the end of Overtime Pay, the
looting of Pension Funds, and the elimination of the Estate Tax. Before
Travis knows it, he's putting in extra hours cleaning the toilets at the
chemical plant so that Paris Hilton can have a new Jaguar. Dumb fucker.
That goes for Paris Hilton too. Oh course, since the Democrats, during the
Clinton years, adopted the same economic policies as the Republicans,
anyone who voted for John Kerry thinking that he'd put an end to poverty
is also a dumb fucker: but a dumb fucker whose heart is in the right place.

So I should know better than to take the bait on this one. After all, it's
just a bunch of pathetic wingnuts flapping their jaws about an issue which
exists solely in their damaged minds. It would be like getting all worked
up because Concerned Crones for America have called a press conference and
demanded Martial Law be declared because some six-year-old said "poop" in
Sunday school. I'd just be overreacting to someone else's overreaction.

But, then again, isn't it our duty to stomp out ignorance and stupidity
wherever and whenever they rear their ugly heads in the same way that we
all banned together to stop the "The Two Coreys" from continuing to make
movies. Maybe if someone, back in Germany during the early '30's would've
said "No. As a matter of fact, the Jews do not, as you erroneously insist,
control the banks. Neither do they want to impregnate your hideous
daughter nor use her blood in some strange Hebrew ceremony. Now kindly
shut the fuck up" there'd be a few more faces around the Seder table. And
is there rally anything more ignorant or stupid than this whole War On
Christmas bullshit?

I understand that some of you have been so busy keeping up with the
real war that you may be a little sketchy on the details of The War
On Christmas, so I'll do my best to fill you in. Nobody's sure just who
fired the first shot in the War on Christmas but one thing is certain,
they weren't on our side. Apparently the Fundies started getting
all weepy when they noticed (after something like forty years) that many
stores employees and service workers were wishing them "Happy Holidays"
instead of a "Merry Christmas." That's right; these backwoods proto-
hominids would go on three-day crying jags just because the cashier at
Winn Dixie lacked the psychic ability to know which customers celebrated
Christmas as opposed to those "other" Holidays [Here's a simple guide:
If a customer is eating a Christian baby, whish them a happy Chanukah.
If they're eyeballing a White woman and acting all uppity, it's "Have a
wonderful Kwanzaa."]. You see, the Fundies were basically all in a lather
(which, considering their bathing habits, may have been the first time)
of the phrase "Happy Holidays" which they considered to be a sign of the
creeping multiculturalism which is either destroying America or making it
a far more interesting place to live, depending on whether you're wearing
an adult diaper and screaming at a lamppost or not. Of course, no bizarre
movement can officially be considered crazy until Ann Coulter supports it:

"Saying 'Merry Christmas' is like saying 'Fuck you!' I've said it to
everyone. You know, cab drivers, passing people on the street, whatever"
- Ann Coulter

Memo to Ms. Coulter (who, in her latest column claimed that Saddam Hussein
worked with Osama bin Laden and attempted to obtain yellow cake uranium
from Niger because she says he did and that should be good enough
for the rest of us.): No matter what you say,be it "happy birthday",
"cross on the green: never between" or "why are you staring at my penis",
it still comes out sounding like "Fuck you."

While it's fun to imagine what It's A Wonderful Life would've been
like had the producers opted to go with "Fuck you" over "Merry Christmas",
the above just goes to show the depth of the hatred that Fundies feel
toward the words "Happy Holidays". Why, one Fundie found themselves in
such a tizzy that they were forced to do the unthinkable and write an
angry e-mail to Wal-Mart complaining about the substitution of "Happy
Holidays" for "Merry Christmas". Here's the replay they received:

Walmart is a world wide organization and must remain conscious of this.
The majority of the world still has different practices other than
"christmas" which is an ancient tradition that has its roots in Siberian
shamanism. The colors associated with "christmas" red and white are
actually a representation of the aminita mascera mushroom. Santa is also
borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the
Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal.
It is a wide wide world.

- Kirby

If any of you should ever need a happy thought to keep you warm at night,
just reflect on the moment when the hillbilly who fired off the email to
Wal-Mart read Kirby's grammatically incorrect (among other things, he
misspelled "Wal-Mart") yet historically accurate rely. "Who the Hell is
'the Visigoth'?" Ahhhhhhh…sweet, irony. Sadly, for our side, Kirby's reply
was forwarded on to the ominously named Catholic League (of Extraordinary
Gentiles) who threatened a boycott of Wal-Mart, forcing the conglomerate
to cough up the following apology:

We at Wal-Mart believe this e-mail between a temporary associate and
one of our valued customers was entirely inappropriate. Its contents in
no way represent the policies, practices or views of our company. This
associate, who was hired less than three weeks ago, is no longer employed
by our company. [You fired Kirby? Goddamn you! Goddamn you all to Hell!]

We sincerely apologize to any person or organization that was offended by
the inappropriate and inflammatory [yet historically accurate] comments
made by this former associate.

Wal-Mart is proud to welcome customers of all faith, and celebrants of
all holidays [Be you White, Black, Red, Brown, or Yellow; you're money is
all green].

With more than 138 million customers coming through our stores every week
and a variety of holidays that they celebrate throughout this season,
"Happy Holidays" is a pleasant greeting that applies to everyone and every
celebration. It's simply our way of wishing our customers a good time with
their family and friends during this time of year.

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
[666 Satanic Ritual Lane
Salem Mass.]

Despite its less-than-satisfactory outcome, the Kirby Incident (as future
historians will, no doubt, refer to it) splendidly point out the ignorance
and stupidly of the War on Christmas camp. Let's deal with the ignorance
first:

Babbitts are completely ignorant as to the history of Xmas. Since former
Wal-Mart "associate" Kirby already alluded to the Pagan origins of
Christmas, there's really no need for me to elaborate, but I will anyway.
From December 17th through the 23rd the ancient Romans celebrated
Saturnalia: a week-long homage to Saturn, the god of joviality and the
sowing of crops. The Saturnalia featured the exchanging of gifts
(especially small dolls for the children), feasting, and the lighting of
candles: all of which (along with Saturn himself, who would re-emerge
as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick) were co-opted by the Christian church: so much
for "Thou shall not steal."

One curious Saturnalia tradition that sadly didn't survive was the choosing
of Saturnalicius Princeps (Master of the Saturnalia). This was usually a
slave who was picked by the Master of each Roman household. The slave in a
"turn-about-is-fair-play" spirit would then trade places with the master,
giving orders, running the household, etc. Wouldn't it be fun to watch Cheney
take orders from Bush instead of the other way around? Then again, maybe not.

The poet Gaius Valerius Catullus (yes, the smooth Pimp-Named-Slickback who
wrote "Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus…") referred to the Saturnalia "the
best of days" (which might help to explain why the best day of the week
was named after Saturn). Are you going to argue with a mala mater like
Catullus? I didn't think so.

One other point of historical interest is that Christmas was not celebrated
in the New England colonies for roughly 200 years. Christ-on-a-croissant,
from 1659 until 1681 it was actually illegal to celebrate Christmas
in Massachusetts. In fact, it wasn't until the middle of the 1800's that
Christmas became an official public holiday in New England. The next time
some dumb fucker goes off about the Pilgrims and their Christian beliefs,
be sure to remind 'em that those beliefs didn't include celebrating
Christmas. Why didn't they? They considered the holiday to be too
"Popish". So, any of you wishing to re-create an "old-fashion New England
Christmas" this year need only burn Ratzinger in effigy and hang a "No
Irish Need Apply" sign in the window.

The stupidity of the War On Christmas is, of course, that's it's a war that
the Fundamentalist Babbitt community can never win. Their ultimate
objective is to see stores replace "Happy Holidays" with "Merry Christmas".
What retailer is going to be dumb enough to alienate twenty percent of
their customers? Face it; the only people who are offended by the words
"Happy Holidays" are crazy people: and crazy people traditionally don't
have a lot of disposable income (and what cash they do have tends to get
spent on mail-order devices to protect them from Venusian Mind-Rays). Hell,
even the hillbillies who are offended by "Happy Holidays" would never
think of shopping somewhere other than Wal-Mart, so a successful boycott
is out of the question. Besides, Jesus demands that you shop for his
birthday. If you haven't purchased at least one Xbox 360 this
holiday Christmas season, then you're just not doing your
duty as a Christian.

Still, I say if these dumb fuckers want a War On Christmas, that's just
what we'll give 'em: a good, ol' fashion war on two fronts! On the eastern
front we're going to hit them where they least expect it: we're bringing
back Saturnalia:




Full instructions on how to conduct a Saturnalia celebration can be found here.

The Western front of our War On Christmas will involve a massive
Secular assault. Each year, for the last seven years, the Freedom From
Religion Foundation has placed a sign outside the Wisconsin State Capitol
building which reads:

"At this season of the Winter Solstice may reason prevail.
There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.
There is only our natural world.
Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves
minds."

Wouldn't hose words look great on stickers placed at eye-level throughout
our major cities? You know what to do; now, fly my monkeys, fly!







Rodney on 11.27.05 @ 11:40 AM EST [link]