Friday, November 5th
A Time For Healing
Like many other Liberal writers, here in the "Blue" states during the
days following the Election, I've been unfairly critical of those
Americans who hold "Conservative" values. I apologize. And, in the new
spirit of cooperation that is sweeping our great land, I'd just like to
take a few minutes on the things that we all have in common. For I feel
that our commonalities greatly outweigh our differences. I strongly
encourage all conservatives to read the following piece and share
it with their brethren - be it at church, a NASCAR race, or even at a gun
show.
Both Conservatives and Liberals Love Their Children
True, Liberals don't physically punish our helpless offspring or feed them
delicious poop-filled brownies, but we love them just as much as
Conservatives love the misshapen and mentally backward fruit of their
sinful, sinful loins.
Yes, we show our love in different ways. Liberals, for example, often spend
thousands of hours reading to their children during their youngsters'
developmental years. Conservatives, on the other hand, often spend
thousands of dollars enrolling their children in private religious schools
where the adorable tykes are protected from ever being exposed to the
Theory of Evolution or the accomplishments of "That damn Nigger", Martin
Luther King.
Both Conservatives and Liberals Love Their Spouses
Is their anymore heartwarming sight than a young Liberal couple walking,
hand-in-hand, towards the abortion clinic?
And while I admit to being no expert on Conservatives, I have recently
learned that their relationships are not as inequitable as many Liberals
have been lead to believe. For example, many Conservative men not only
allow their wives to vote, but have cut down on the beatings, considerably.
Both Conservatives and Liberals Love To Be Helpful
Conservatives are never so busy that they can't take the time to help out
a Liberal by explaining the many factual and logical inaccuracies in
Michele Moore's Fahrenheit 911, before rushing out to see The
Passion - a film in which a semi-divine being gets tortured for two
hours before dying and returning to life.
Liberals often take time off from their busy schedules of drinking lattes,
buying Volvos, and getting tattooed to extinguish young Homosexuals who
have been set ablaze by persons who, for the sake of the new spirit of
cooperation, shall remain unnamed.
Both Conservatives and Liberals Love America
Hey, I'm the first to admit that Liberals can be a little ol' fashion and
nostalgic. We often find ourselves pining for the Old America. You
know, the America in which a man could check out a library book without
the fear of being of being arrested, given a secret trial, and being
shipped of to "Camp Gitmo" only to be repeatedly ass-raped by an Arabic
translator.
We need to learn to embrace the America that the Conservatives love - the
America of the future. A bold, free, and Homoless land where the
Constitution (Now conveniently "whittled down" to include only the Second
Amendment and a few new paragraphs about burning witches) is proudly
displayed…behind a 90 ton granite reproduction of the Ten Commandments.
Both Conservatives and Liberals Love To Laugh At Dennis Miller
True, only the Conservatives are laughing with him…
The ancient Greek word of the day is:
algunw - grieve
If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.
Rodney on 11.05.04 @ 09:36 AM EST [
link]
Thursday, November 4th
He has loosed the fateful lightening of His terrible swift sword
The 2004 election of George W. Bush may be one of the best things to ever
happen to the American Progressive Movement. OK, I can feel that I've lost
some of you, already. Hear me out on this:
First, the Democrats are unable to blame John Kerry's defeat on Ralph
Nader, as they incorrectly did for Gore's 2000 loss. That means
that Democrats can no long scare voters away from casting their ballots
for Progressive, third party, candidates by labeling those candidates as
"spoilers".
Second, the Democrats just might realize that aping the Republicans on
economic issues is a losing strategy. Bill Clinton's economic policies
were almost exactly like those of his Republic predecessors (Bank
deregulation, for example). While Clinton was able to win the White House,
Democrats lost ground in the House and Senate. Why? Because working
people, seeing no difference between the two parties on economic issues,
began voting on cultural issues.
In an attempt to pick up the votes of working class people (and faced with
a shrinking Middle Class) Democrats would be wise to pepper their platform
with such Progressive ideas as a Living Wage, pulling out of NAFTA, and
universal Health Care.
Third, should the Democrats no realize that they can beat the republicans
on the economic front and continue on their present course (by running
Hilary Clinton in 2008), many of the new Democrats who were registered and
brought into the political process in 2004 might drift away from the
Democrats and into the Green Party.
Remember, in the 1930's, when working people began to vote for the
Socialist Party, the Democrats became frightened of losing their role as
the blue-collar party and began pushing for programs like Social Security.
Finally, the election of Gorge W. Bush has generated a great deal of anger
in the "Blue States. Leftists need to capitalize, pardon the pun, on that
anger. The 2004 election just might, someday, be viewed as a sort of Fort
Sumter in the Culture Wars.
For example, eleven states voted to ban Gay marriage on November 2nd. The
Left could strike back by proposing a boycott of those states. The same
way we affectively boycotted Arizona for that state's refusal to recognize
Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday as a holiday. Maybe the Left can also
use the anger generated by the election to oust reactionary legislators in
the "Blue States".
Who knows, George W. Bush just may've succeeded in energizing the Left in
a way no Democrat was ever able to?
_ . _
My apologizes for suggesting, yesterday, that those of us in the "Blue
States" slaughter every man, woman, and child living below the Mason-Dixon
Line. Hey, sometimes I can get a little carried away. I was also having a
little fun with the idea of stereotypes. When many conservatives say
"Boycott France" what they're really saying is "Stick it to those French
loving Liberal Homo Abortionists in the Blue States." I just cut straight
to the chase.
I do, however, get angry when I see what's been done to southern culture.
Edgar Allen Poe, Flannery O'Connor, and William Faulkner were all
southerners. And yet, when we (even southerners) think of the south, do
we think of them? No, we think of Travis Tritt on a tractor going around
a NASCAR track.
The south allowed its intellectual heritage to be hijacked and replaced
with an episode of Hee Haw. So the south now has an image problem
of its own making. And only southerners can correct that problem. I wish
them the best of luck.
Since I know you people love this sort of stuff, here's how each state
voted, sorted by average IQ.
Rodney on 11.04.04 @ 10:47 AM EST [link]
Wednesday, November 3rd
The Time Has Come To Fight A Second Civil War
There's a huge part of me that really wanted John Kerry to win the
election. Don't get me wrong; I don't like the guy and I didn't vote for
him, but I really wanted to see him win. Partly because I wanted to see
Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Bill O'Reilly, and the other Concerned Women
for America get the smug looks smacked off their hideous faces.
But the main reason that I wanted John Kerry to win the election is
because I'm a Northerner, and, rapidly, my culture is being deemed
irreverent. Kerry would've been the first President to hail from the
Northeast to be elected in 40 years.
My ancestors fought for the North in the Civil War. And they didn't go
into battle so that one day "NASCAR dads" could plaster their Ford
Expeditions with rebel flags. They also didn't risk their lives so that
southerners could determine American policy.
Robert E. Lee, despite being a confederate butt-boy, was at least smart
enough to know that the south was doomed to lose the Civil War even before
it had begun. Lee tried to point out to his fellow southern troth-lickers
that not only did Northerners poses more advanced technology and higher
intellects, but that the Northern character was far superior to that of
southerners.
Lee realized that Northerners, although slow to anger, were unstoppable in
caring out their wrath. The time has come to once again stir that Northern
character.
I know that I have quite a few readers who reside (unhappily, I'm sure) in
the southern states. If you're one of them, please let me offer you the
following advice: Move to the Northeast. For our wrath is rising and our
retribution will be merciless.
No, I'm not suggesting that we load up our AK's and go hunting rednecks
(at least, not yet). What I am suggesting is that we use our superior
intellects and economic power to hurt the pocketbook (The frilly, girlish
pocketbook) of the south. Just like we did the the racist morons who ran
south Africa.
I'm calling for a boycott of all products made by corporations which are
headquartered in the south. I'm also calling for a boycott of all products
made by corporations which advertise on the FOX NEWS network. And let
reactionary Northern legislators (or traitors, as I like to call them)
know that they will be unseated (and possibly ran out of the North on a
rail).
Fellow Northerners (along with our brothers and sisters in the Pacific
states) the time has come for us to rise. And rise we will. Rise like a
great, blue angry tide that crushes all that is conservative, reactionary,
and ignorant.
Rodney on 11.03.04 @ 11:25 AM EST [link]
Tuesday, November 2nd
Final Thoughts
Bush wins.
I'm off to bed.
Good luck America.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 09:39 PM EST [link]
More, more real news:
I’m about to take a brief break, but – before I do – here’s what I know:
Kerry takes Florida, Ohio (Both by the thinnest of margins), Pennsylvania (pretty sizable lead – oddly he picked up an assload of votes in the ‘burbs), the double-M’s of Michigan and Minnesota.
In two squeakers, Nevada and North Carolina go to Bush who also kicked Kerry’s ass in Colorado.
Earlier I called New Mexico for Bush. Well, thanks to a bunch of emails (more like threats, really) I’m now either moving it into the “undecided” column or giving it to Badnarik.
And finally, Kerry takes Wisconsin.
I’ll be back later with more results that you can’t get on the news yet.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 04:18 PM EST [link]
More real news:
OK, here’s the latest “reliable sources” info:
Kerry: Florida, Pennsylvania, and …Ohio by a thin margin
Bush: Everywhere you’d expect him to win and New Mexico and Hawaii.
Cobb: Oh, Hell – let’s give him Delaware.
If you live in Washington State and have noticed any odd voting trends, please email me.
At 5:00 EST, I’m hoping to be able to call Wisconsin.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 03:59 PM EST [link]
I'm back
Sorry about the break in the action folks. I wanted to get some info on the role of women in the election so I attempted to contact the League of Women Voters, but couldn’t get them to speak on the record, so I ended up speaking to Mr. Merle Hobbs from the League of Drunken Voters. Mr. Hobbs was up at 5:00 am this morning (OK, he really didn’t go to bed last night) so that he could vote at 7:00 am and vomit on his shoes at 7:15.
Updates:
Philly voting dust-up seems to be an honest mistake on the part of some poll watchers.
Kerry takes Connecticut and New Hampshire
Bush takes Massachusetts (Via FOX News)
Nader takes Texas.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 03:24 PM EST [link]
Philly Vote Update.
Alleged Mayor, John Street, has just come forward to say that no instance of fraud has been found and the reports of planted votes are false.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 11:48 AM EST [link]
Philly - the city that votes for you
Some 2000 votes have been discovered planted in Philly voting machines. Mostly in North Philly, but also at at least one polling place in South Philly.
And some civic-minded individual displayed a gun in Grey's Ferry in an effort to scare poll watchers.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 10:54 AM EST [link]
More real news…
Via rather reliable sources – Florida leaning towards Kerry. Ohio Leaning toward Bush.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 09:53 AM EST [link]
I stand by my earlier statement
That you are a dickweed
Fongo on 11.02.04 @ 09:28 AM EST [link]
Update
Due to the large volume of emails that I’ve received questioning Fongo’s decision to call Texas for Kerry, I’ve decided to move the Lone Star State into the Nader column until I can get everything sorted out.
So, for now, Ralph Nader has taken the state of Texas and its 34 Electoral votes!
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 09:27 AM EST [link]
News Alert!
FOX News has just announced that George W. Bush has won the state of Massachusetts. More on this story as it develops.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 08:52 AM EST [link]
This just in….for real
New Hampshire goes to Kerry.
Repeat: New Hampshire and its crappy little 4 Electoral votes go to John Kerry. I’ve also been told that Nader has done better than expected in New Hampshire.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 08:26 AM EST [link]
This just in...
This just in! George W. Bush arrested for eating Mexican babies. This news,
although not entirely unexpected, is bound to cost him votes among
Hispanics and other icky minorities.
Nathan on 11.02.04 @ 07:13 AM EST [link]
Big-assed Newsflash!
OK then. Kerry has just won the state of Texas! Defeating self-confessed
child molester and Islamic extremist George W. Bush by a margin of a
shitload to cunthair.
Fongo on 11.02.04 @ 07:12 AM EST [link]
Results you can rely on
First.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 07:11 AM EST [link]
Attn: Dickweed
Look, shitbird, you can either have the results first or right. Now how do
you want 'em?
Fongo on 11.02.04 @ 07:10 AM EST [link]
No, you're the dickweed
Maybe the reason you don't have the exact total is because the polls don't
open there for another two hours!
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 07:10 AM EST [link]
Yes, dickweed, Texas
Yes, we haven't got the exact total but as so as we do, I'll let you know.
Fongo on 11.02.04 @ 07:09 AM EST [link]
Texas?
Texas? As in, oh, let's say - George W. Bush's home state…
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 07:08 AM EST [link]
Gawdamn Huge Newsflash!
Sweet turd-chuckin' Jesus, have I got a scoop. John Kerry has just won
Texas! I repeat: John Kerry has won the state of Texas and all 13,119 of
Texas' Electoral votes.
Fongo on 11.02.04 @ 07:02 AM EST [link]
Come in, Fongo...
We now go to correspondent Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski in Vidor, Texas
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 07:02 AM EST [link]
What I do with my time is none of your concern
Yes, mother, I have been "dipping into the cognac." And no, it's none of
your business.
Nathan on 11.02.04 @ 07:01 AM EST [link]
If you insist, Newsflash
OK. You heard it here fist, folks. John Kerry has just picked up the Blood
blooded / Limp Wristed state of Connecticut and its 7 Electoral
votes.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 06:58 AM EST [link]
Damn you!
Now be silent and place Connecticut and its 1200 Electoral votes in the
Kerry column.
Nathan on 11.02.04 @ 06:57 AM EST [link]
Yes, Newsflash!
And my I inquire as to which brand of ether you're indulging in this
morning? Have you ever been to Connecticut? There are more antique shops
here than there are gas stations. Have the states population attended Brown
University where they majored in Lesbianism and bulldozer burning.
We Connecticians…Conecticutionians… Those of us who reside in Connecticut
haven't spent the last 300 years turning our state into a quaint haven for
Homosexual Trotskyites just to hand over its administration to a Texan of
low breeding, questionable intelligence, and negligent hygiene.
Nathan on 11.02.04 @ 06:56 AM EST [link]
Newsflash?
Nathan, isn't it just a tad early to call Connecticut for Kerry? Shouldn't
we wait until 8:00pm, when the polls close?
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 06:56 AM EST [link]
Newsflash!
This just in! With less than 1/10th of 1 percent of the voting completed,
RATYHTL announces that John Kerry has won the wonderfully WASPish state of
Connecticut and all 169 of its Electoral votes. Once again, Kerry has won
the incredibly White state of Connecticut and all 799 of its Electoral
votes.
Nathan on 11.02.04 @ 06:53 AM EST [link]
Trust Team Anonymous for your election results
Well, it's 700am here in Philly and the polls have just opened. I'll be
here all day coordinating "Team Anonymous" coverage of the election. So
let's check in, first, with correspondent Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton in
Burley, Connecticut.
Rodney on 11.02.04 @ 06:52 AM EST [link]
Now this is a ghost story. 
