Thoughtless for the Day

Rosie the Riveter meets Michelle the Moron

Michelle Malkin kicked off her column yesterday (which happened to be her
43rd Birthday. Happy Birthday, Michelle) with a little history lesson
about the role played by women in manufacturing during WWII which can be
summed up thusly: "We're at war, so do like Grandma did - shut up and
pitch in."

Does this mean that Michelle is going to stop writing her column and start
working on the assembly line at Lockheed Martin? No. But we're still free
to dream…

Michelle is pissed at Rosie the Riveter's heir whom she calls "Sally the
Sniveler". "Sally the Sniveler"? Shit, Luther, "Mary the Minimum Wage
Earner" or "Wendy the Working Poor" I could understand, but "Sally the
Sniveler"? I know that I went to a State University, but I just don't get
it.

What could Malkin be thinking? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Gentle reader, gird your loins, because we are about to step inside the
Mind of Michelle Malkin.

According to Malkin, "Sally the Sniveler" is a member of "Hysterical Women
for Kerry" (Kudos to Michelle for attempting to launch two catch-phrases at
once.). OK. And who are "Hysterical Women for Kerry"? Well, if Michelle is
to be believed they are:

…self-absorbed celebrities who support banning all guns (except the ones
their bodyguards use to protect them and their children)…

Again, I find myself confused. Are celebrities that large of a segment of
the population that they actually form a voting block? And have you, gentle
reader, ever heard someone, who's not wearing a tinfoil hat, suggest that
we ban all guns? If we banned all guns, Hollywood - the home of the
Action movie - would grind to a halt. Will Smith may not know much (he did,
after all, move out of Philly) but he does know that you won't pay
$6.50 to watch him stop a crazed killer with a stern talking to. So, as
clearly demonstrated, it's Michelle who clearly needs to shut the fuck up.

They are teachers' union bigwigs who support keeping all children
hostage in public schools (except their own sons and daughters who have
access to the best private institutions).



Yo, my Nigs, it's time to step up and recognize my mad math skillz. Thanks
to 20 plus years of Right Wing economic policies, less than 11% of the
private workforce belongs to a union. So, if these "bigwigs" are out there
preaching, it's to a pretty small congregation. But the real question here
is "Why should the head of the AFL-CIO give a fuck rather or not anybody
else's kids go public or private schools?" Consider this another
demonstration that it's Michelle who clearly needs to shut the fuck up.

They are sanctimonious environmentalists who oppose ostentatious energy
consumption (except for their air-conditioned Malibu mansions and
Gulfstream jets and custom Escalades.)

WTPFMYV? Lemme get this straight? There are hypocrites in Hollywood?
"Hello, Daily Planet? Stop the presses! Clark Kent just flew in my window
and told me something that you are never gonna fuckin' believe!"

OK, so Hollywood is the land of "do as my agent says not as I do". Why
does this make stricter environmental laws a bad idea? By this logic, or
lack thereof, Michelle should no longer be a Christians because ministers
and priests have been engaging in boy-buggering for two thousand years
(OK, ministers have only been at it for 400 years). If someone who knows
Michelle is reading this, would you please pass along the following
message: Michelle, you clearly need to shut the fuck up.

They are antiwar activists who claim to love the troops (except when
they're apologizing to the terrorists trying to kill our men and women
in uniform).

Huh? Ignoring the fact that the war (at least when it started) had nothing
to do with terrorism, have you ever heard an antiwar activist apologize to
a terrorist? Why would they? Michelle statement isn't just stupid, it's
insane - and clear proof that she needs to stop sniveling and shut the
fuck up.

They are peace activists who balk at your son bringing in his "Star
Wars" light saber for the kindergarten Halloween parade (but who have no
problem serving as human shields for torture-loving dictators).

This is what I love best about Malkin. Just when you think that she can't
get any crazier, she tops herself. The above statement not only
demonstrates that Michelle should shut the fuck up, but also shows that
she has no understanding of how children (well, male children)
behave when handed a large, plastic representation of their phallus.

These parents don't want kids bringing light sabers to school because
they're pot-smoking peaceniks. No, these parents have enough common sense
to know that any kids holding a plastic weapon is gonna smack the living
shit outta some other kid before the final bell rings.

They are ultrafeminists who purport to speak for all women (but not the
unborn ones or the abstinent teenage ones or the minority conservative
ones or the newly enfranchised ones in Afghanistan).

Um, wasn't it Feminists who fought for pre-natal care, "No means No", Civil
Rights, and against the Taliban? Michelle needs to exercise her right to
shut the fuck up.

Look, for over 20 years the Right have controlled the Government and the
Media. Yet, America still hasn't turned into a Capitalist paradise. Since
the Reactionary elements in this country isn't going to admit their
mistakes, they need someone to blame - hence to straw-man of the "Liberal
Elite". It's kinda like when your cousin, who dropped outta High School
and refuses to get his GED, blames Halliburton for his inability to get
a job. He needs to shut the fuck up, too.

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
anagkazw - force, compel

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.



Rodney on 10.21.04 @ 01:33 PM EST [link]

The Oblong Fence

The Oblong Fence
by
Edgar Allen Twain

Mrs. Hargrove had been knocking upon the door for quite some time and was
preparing to retreat from her neighbor's porch and head home when,
suddenly, she heard the bolt on the other side of the weathered portal
slide. This was followed a loud clack and the sound of rusty hinges being
awoken and summoned to duty. The door opened a few inches so that an old
and world-worn face was now visible on the other side. The interior of the
house was dark so it was only possible for Mrs. Hargrove to make a vague
assessment of the form opposite her, which she deduced to be just a little
less than five feet tall, bent, and leaning on a cane.

"Good day, my name is Mrs. Hargrove. I've come to talk to you about your
nephew, Tom."

"What's that scallywag a gone an' done now?" Aunt Polly said in a voice
that was surprisingly strong and clear despite her advanced years. "He's
full of the Old Scratch, but laws-a-me! He's my own dead sister's boy,
poor thing."

"I'm certain that raising a child alone cannot be an easy task," Mrs.
Hargrove said, attempting to temper her voice with a tone of understanding
"And I dare not think of interfering, except that this is a matter of great
gravity. I believe that you sent him off this morning with instructions to
whitewash your fence?"

Aunt Polly seemed to be looking through Mrs. Hargrove and into the open sky
as she replied "It's mighty hard to make him work Saturdays, when all the
boys is having holiday, but he hates work more than he hates anything else,
and I've GOT to do some of my duty by him, or I'll be the ruination of the
child."

"You should know that Tom tricked some of the other children into whitewashing
the fence for him…"

"Fool of tricks, that boy is," Aunt Polly sighed "But my goodness, he never
plays them alike, two days, and how is a body to know what's coming?"

"Well, if that were all he was guilty of," Mrs. Hargrove continued "you
have my assurance that I wouldn't be troubling you. But I have learned of
a much more serious matter. It seems that Tom was charging the other
children for the privilege of whitewashing the fence…"

"He 'pears to know just how long he can torment me before I get my dander
up," Aunt Polly said, her voice now no more than a mutter and the look in
her eyes growing increasingly distant "and he knows if he can make out to
put me off for a minute or make me laugh, it's all down again and I can't
hit him a lick…"


"If I may finish," Mrs. Hargrove demanded. It was not like her to be
abrupt; however it was clear that she would need to remain firm in order
to hold the elderly woman's attention. "My son, Bobby, was one of the
children whom Tom charged for the 'honor' of whitewashing the fence. Only
Bobby had no funds or anything of value on his person, for that matter. So
your nephew made him sign this."

Mrs. Hargrove reached into her apron pocket, removed a small, crumpled and
torn piece of paper, and handed it to Aunt Polly who lifted it to within
an inch of her eyes.

"I'm afraid I don't see as well as I use to, now that I'm old, an' old
fools is the biggest fools there is, an'…"

"I'll tell you what it is," Mrs. Hargrove said with growing indignation,
"It's a deed. It's the deed to my son's SOUL! Your nephew made my Bobby
sign over his immortal soul as payment for being allowed to whitewash your
fence. Clearly you can understand just how serious this is. After Bobby
signed that…that contract, the good Lord must've made him realize his
terrible error. Bobby snatched that retched thing from Tom's hand ran
straight home. "

"Hang the boy; can't I never learn him anything?" Aunt Polly said, her
face reddening with anger. "This just will not do!"

Mrs. Hargrove breathed a sigh of relief. It seemed that the old woman
understood after all.

"No," Aunt Polly continued "this just will not do. For one thing, your boy
signed this in ink instead of blood. The Dark Master will never accept
this."

Mrs. Hargrove felt a sudden chill shoot through her body. Clearly the old
woman was mad - as was her nephew and, perhaps her entire family. Feeling
an intense need to flee from the crazed ramblings of the deranged crone,
Mrs. Hargrove turned on her heels, but was astonished to discover that her
escape was blocked by a large Negro. From behind her, she heard Aunt
Polly's voice which was once again strong and clear

"This is our slave, Jim. Jim's family had been slaves on a sugar plantation
in Haiti for nearly fifty years before my father purchased them. Some
people says that Negroes are slow and that you can't learn nothing from
them. But Jim and his family have taught me so much. Why most people 'round
these parts ain't never even heard of Voodoo…"

Mrs. Hargrove turned back towards Aunt Polly just in time to witness the
old woman raise her cane high above her head and bring it down with
surprising ferocity as the words "Oh, my!" flashed in her mind and were
gone forever.



Rodney on 10.20.04 @ 12:36 PM EST [link]

President Jesus, Move On Off My Porch.org, and More

On Sunday the New York Times ran a long feature article by Ron Suskind
titled "Faith, Certainty and the Presidency of George W. Bush"
(Registration required). The gist of the piece is that President Bush and
many of his top advisors relay on faith rather than facts
as the basis on which they make key policy decision. Now, I think (with
the exception of a few of the folks here) we've all known this for quite
some time, but that knowledge doesn't really take any of the edge off of
seeing it in print.

There was no Plan B for post-war Iraq because Jesus told the Leader of the
Free World that everything would be alright.

There, you see what I mean? Now, that might seem like an oversimplification
to some of you, but remember that Bush deals in oversimplifications. So, I
win, which means that I get to pick what we do next, and I pick "read some
more scary stuff about Bush's pipeline to Jeebuz".

Serial plagiarist Joe Biden had the following tale to tell. ''I was in the
Oval Office a few months after we swept into Baghdad,'' he began, ''and I
was telling the president of my many concerns'' -- concerns about growing
problems winning the peace, the explosive mix of Shiite and Sunni, the
disbanding of the Iraqi Army and problems securing the oil fields. Bush,
Biden recalled, just looked at him, unflappably sure that the United
States was on the right course and that all was well. '''Mr. President,'
I finally said, 'How can you be so sure when you know you don't know the
facts?'''

Biden said that Bush stood up and put his hand on the senator's shoulder.
''My instincts,'' he said. ''My instincts.''

Biden paused and shook his head, recalling it all as the room grew quiet.
''I said, 'Mr. President, your instincts aren't good enough!'''

When President Bush was asked - before embarking upon the invasion of
Iraq - if he'd consulted with his father (the last President to oversee a
ground-war with Iraq), Bush Jr. replied he hadn't. In fact, he explained
that he'd sought advice from a "higher power". So the same God that that
told Pat Robertson that he would be President, also told George W. Bush
that "winning the Peace" in Iraq would be a cakewalk.

Well, this explains, nicely, the smirk on Bush's face during the
Presidential debates with Kerry. The Senator from the Soviet Satellite
State of Massachusetts could spit out all the facts he wanted, but
Bush knew - deep in his gut - that it's faith that counts.


George W. Bush - frequently wrong, but never in doubt.



"Have you heard the good news about our Savoir, John Kerry?"

Also on Sunday, while the New York Times was informing its readers that
the most powerful man in the world hears voices, MoveOn.org representatives
decided to pay a visit to the Anonymous homestead.

I was in the shower (yes, I do occasionally shower) when the kids in the
Kerry t-shirts came trick-or-treating for votes, so Vienna had the dubious
honor of dealing with them. According to Vienna, the MoveOn.org asked for
us by name. When she asked them how they knew who we were and where we
lived (before telling them to go away), they answered that they had gotten
the information from the Voters Registration Office.

Now, here's an organization that, rightly, criticizes the Patriot Act for
intruding on our privacy, yet doesn't mind digging out my name and voting
record (Which, indecently, they got wrong. I am not now, nor have I ever
been a registered Democrat) in order to drop by my house on a Sunday for
the political equivalent of an Amway pitch.

Speaking of pitchmen…

People, please stop emailing me to tell me just how brave Jon Stewart was
to take on the Crossfire boys. Sure, Stewart was right about the Crossfire
Crew being a pair of hacks, but Tucker Carlson was also right about Stewart
being John Kerry's buttboy.

And finally, on the topic of politics…

I will be moderating a debate between PA 1st District Congressional
candidate Chris Randolph, incumbent Bob Brady, and challenger Deborah
Williams this Saturday, October 23nd at 5 pm at the First Unitarian Church
on 22nd and Chestnut Streets. By the way, Brady and Williams may turn out
to be no-shows.

Also, I'll be on Paul's show, tomorrow, playing Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?

"Win or lose, we go shopping after the election."
- Imelda Marcos


Halloween DVD rental alert!

Now here's something that I've waited thirty years for:

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural has, at long last, been
released on DVD, and anyone who fails to rent it is, hereby, proclaimed to
be a nine-year-old girl.

Lemora, which is a great example of what can be done with a tiny
budget and a lot of inspiration, stars the late Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith
(Familiar to B-movie fans as the actress who appeared Caged Heat,
Massacre at Central High, Parasite, and about a million other
drive-in flicks) as thirteen-ear-old Lila Lee, "The Singing Angel" who is
summoned to a remote location to visit her dying father.

Surreal and creepy, you'll be glad that you rented this (if for no other
reason than the over-the-top scenes with the bus driver.) 666 stars.
Rent or die!

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
qarraleoj - bold

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.



Rodney on 10.19.04 @ 03:33 PM EST [link]

For Democracy's sake, it's time to melt down the Liberty Bell.

I dragged my sleepy ass outta my nice warm bed on Saturday morning and hauled
it on over to Independence Mall (The corner of 5th and Market, to be
precise.) in order to catch a Green Party of PA rally that featured three
candidates for state offices: Paul Teese who is running for State
Treasurer, Ben Price who is running for Auditor General, and Marakay
Rogers who is running for Attorney General.

Just a little over a dozen people showed up to hear what three people who
are running for some of the most important positions in state government
had to say. Well, I kinda expected that. Being a Green means getting used
to small crowds at rallies - hey, at least no one made me sign a loyalty
oath. The best analogy I can give is that the best movies often have the
smallest audiences. Summer Blockbusters almost always suck.

What did surprise me was the reaction of passersby to the event. While
these three candidates came across as highly intelligent and articulate
people, and none of them were wearing tinfoil hats or demanded that every
first born male be put to death, people walking past were regarding them
as if they were from the Let's Shove Tire-Irons Way Up Our Butts and
Attempt to Contact the Venusians Party.

Sure there were the usual encounters with old women who walk up and say
"I support the Greens, but I just can't vote for Ralph Nader" (Then are
left with that "I've fallen and I can't get up" look when they're informed
that the Party's candidate is David Cobb), but, for the most part, the
people who chanced upon the rally just shook their heads in confusion and
moved on. The Green volunteers at the event attempted to distribute
information to nearby pedestrians, but the folks on the sidewalk acted as
if they were being handed used syringes outside the Haitian Embassy.

Meanwhile, a few yards away, people were standing in line to see the
Liberty Bell, which really started to piss me off because … well, let me
tell you something about the Liberty Bell…

Now, you've probably been told that the Liberty Bell was rung on July 4th,
1776 to announce the signing of the Declaration of Independence. That's a
lie. Some of you may also have heard that the bell cracked on July 8th,
1776 when it was rung to announce the reading of the Declaration of
Independence. Well, that's also a lie.

The bell (which had nothing to do with the American Revolution) came to
Philly from London in 1752 to commemorate the 50th anniversary of
Pennsylvania's Charter of Privileges. By the way, Pennsylvania is
misspelled as "Pensylvania" on the bell.

The Liberty Bell developed its crack habit (er, habit of cracking) the
fist time it was used. The bell was recast and didn't crack again until
1836, when it was being tolled to announce the death of Chief Justice John
Marshal. The crack widened on the bell's fortieth and final official
tolling in 1846. After that, the state took a "don't pick at it, or it'll
get infected" approach to the bell.

So how did this defective hunk of metal come to be known as "The Liberty
Bell"? You see, staring in the 1830's, abolitionists inspired by the
inscription on the bell - "Proclaim liberty throughout all the land, unto
all the inhabitants thereof" - seized upon it as a fitting symbol for
their cause (The New York Anti-Slavery Society used the bell on the
frontispiece to an 1837 edition of their publication, Liberty) and
gave it the name by which it is known today.

OK, then how in the name of Hubbard did a symbol of the abolitionist
movement become associated with Revolutionary War? Well, you have George
Lippard to thank for that.

Lippard is one of my all-time favorite Philadelphians and my sole all-time
favorite quitter. George quit studying for the ministry due to
"contradiction between theory and practice". Next, he quit studying law
because of "injustice". He then quit journalism when he found newspaper
reporting to be "uninteresting and constrained in its pursuit of the
truth." Finally, Lippard quit quitting altogether and went on to found a
secret organization (The Brotherhood of the Union) and pen one of the
trashiest novels in American literary history - The Monks of Monk
Hall (AKA The Quaker City )

I could go on about Lippard for days (The riot he inspired, his sword-cane
- trust me, it's a long list), but, for our purposes, it's just important
to know that in 1847 Lippard inked a fictional tale which appeared
in The Saturday Currier under the title of The Fourth of July,
1776 (but which was popularly known as - I shit thee not - "Ring,
Grandfather! Ring!"). The story was about an old man who rings the bell to
announce the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Now, to be honest, I don't really wanna melt down the Liberty Bell.
I was just going for shock value. Besides, despite all of the untruths
surrounding it, I love the Liberty Bell. In fact, I keep a miniature
Liberty Bell on my desk. Here is a bell that failed at the relatively easy
task of clanging, yet succeeded at becoming a symbol for Freedom. A true
American success story.

No, what I don't love is that none of the hundreds of folks who were lined
up to see the Liberty Bell seemed to be interested in the live
demonstration of Democracy in action that was taking place right in front
of them. It was almost (and I stress almost) enough to make me
scream "Hey, fucktards, patriotism is about more than slapping some flags
on your SUV and heading off to look at America's faux artifacts. And it's
certainly about more than voting because P Diddy says it's the right
thing to do. Patriotism is about keeping ourselves as best informed as we
possibly can so that we can make intelligent decisions"

If the Liberty Bell knew what these folks were ignoring, it would crack in half.



Sunday Halloween turns many into nine-year-old girls

Speaking of fucktards, a whole bunch o' 'em seem to be soiling themselves
over the fact that Halloween falls on a Sunday this year. The few news
articles that I've seen about this have been ripe with hilarious Fundy
quotes, including the following from Sandra Hulsey of Greenville, GA: "You
just don't do it on Sunday," said "That's Christ's day. You go to church
on Sunday; you don't go out and celebrate the devil. That'll confuse a
child."

Yeah, that and shiny objects.


Bring out your dead…

And while we're on the subject of Halloween, it's time for another DVD
rental suggestion - and this time it's a double feature!

For the first time in the history of mankind, Tombs of the Blind
Dead and Return of the Blind Dead have been released on one
DVD. For the benefit of the uninitiated among you, the Blind Dead are a
band of eyeless Templar vampire/zombies whose hobbies include mutilation
and roaming the Portuguese countryside.

True, Return is a somewhat lackluster sequel, but it does contain a
few truly inspired moments. Tomb however, is 100% baaadass, and
includes lots of blood, a creepy mortician and gratuitous lesbianism (I
know that the Vice President and Mrs. Cheney love their daughter…) 666
stars. Rent or die!

The ancient Greek word of the day is:
apoteixizw - to wall off

If the above word looks like ipposshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.



Rodney on 10.18.04 @ 09:27 AM EST [link]