Thoughtless for the Day

Big-Assed Weekend Edition (Blair's Time of the Month)

Some days these pieces just write themselves.

Regular readers might remember that last month I wrote a Thoughtless about
"Hot Saucer" Lisa Whelchel, better know as "Blair" from TV's The Fact's of
Life. While writing the story I checked out Blair's website and, as soon
as I regained my vision, signed up for her monthly e-letter. That and the
fact that my comments will appear in italics are pretty much all
you need to know to experience the following in its fullest:


October E-Letter

Dear Friends,

Haven [Yes, she named her daughter "Haven". This means that I now know
of two people named "Haven" - Blair's daughter and a 56 year old stripper
who works at that titty bar by the airport] turned thirteen last week!
We spent a delightful mother/daughter weekend at a hotel complete with
room service, movie in bed, and spa fun. [Dear Penthouse…] As is
our tradition at this transition into the teenage years, I wrote a letter
for Haven to explain the symbolism of each of her gifts. I thought you
might enjoy it, too. (Sorry the gifts don't come with it.)[You cheap
whore, I want my gifts!]

My dearest daughter,

Spa Day - "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as
a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away
childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

[" When I was a child, I spoke as a child, but when I became a man I
learned to use the 'F word'." 1 Anonymous 23:666]

Sweetie, you are no longer a little girl, but a young woman. Thirteen
isn't just another birthday, it is a transition to another season of life
. Let me take this pivotal day to tell you that you successfully
completed your little girl years! So far you have been "in school" and
I have been your teacher. Hopefully the most important thing I taught
you was how to follow the Lord and obey His word. You are an awesome
student. You have learned and obeyed and I have full confidence that as
you leave these little girl years you will live what you have learned.
[From now on, my favorite insult will be "Congratulations, dude, you've
successfully completed your little girl years!"]


Massage - "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your
hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

["Me 'finish you off' now?" Filipino Masseuse 12:30 pm]

Don't worry about anything! When you find yourself stressed then let that
be a reminder to you that you are trying to figure out how to make life
work on your own.

God is in control and He will either "fix it" or allow you to walk through
a challenge to make you stronger as He tests Your faith in Him. [So,
lemme get this straight - God will either fix my problems or leave my ass
hanging in the wind? What kind of slacker God is that?


Facial - "For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking
at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance.
You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you
keep looking steadily into God's perfect law-the law that sets you free-and
if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will
bless you for doing it." James 1:23-25

The word "hypocrite" was the word used to describe actors who wore masks.
It is the time in your life to choose whether you are going to
authentically walk the talk or simply play the part you have been taught
since childhood. You have listened to me a lot. From this day forward,
as you enter adulthood, you have the choice to either walk away from all
you've learned or dig deeper into the Word of God, obey Him and find His
blessings for your life.

[The word "hypocrite" has also been used to describe former child-stars
who try to turn something as simple as a facial into a lesson about
morality. Blair, you were on a pre-teen jiggle show! The only place that
you should be allowed to dispense advice from is a cage in a carnival.]

Manicure - "Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who may
stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart."
Psalm 24:3,4

Whenever I think of your name, I think of this verse. "Haven Hill Cauble"
means a sanctuary built on the Rock set up on a hill. Cool, huh? [Let's
but it to a vote. Hands up for "cool". 0. Hands up for "not cool". 143.
Hands up for "pretty fuckin' stupid". I think we have a winner…] Baby,
make sure that your hands and heart remain clean and pure so you may stand
before God with them lifted before him, unashamed. Of course, the only
way you can lift them guilt-free is if they are covered by the blood of
Jesus. [Iiiiaaaeee!!!] Remember, your strength for purity will come
from Him.

Pedicure - "If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet,
you also ought to wash one another's feet." John 13:14 [Blood and feet?
What the fuck is wrong with these people? What kinda sicko religion is
this? HELP! POLICE!]

Sweetie, look for ways to serve others. Many people will look up to you
because of your strong personality and confidence. You will reflect Jesus
when you choose to reach down and out to do things for other people.
Sometimes this takes more work than seemingly harder jobs. It is so easy
to think that when we "do things for the Lord" we are really serving Him.
Apparently, His opinion is that we are serving Him best when we are
serving others.

Necklace - "My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not
forsake the law of your mother; for they will be a graceful ornament on
your head, and chains about your neck." Proverbs 1:8,9

I am aware that there are many ways teenagers can sneak around, disobey
their parents and get away with it. [Sadly, for the benefit of my
younger reads, Blair neglects to mention exactly what those ways are]
I will not try to control you; it would be impossible. Instead, I am
going to trust you. As you wear this necklace think of the "laws" your
father and I have taught you and remember they are meant to preserve your
beauty and protect you from the ravishing effects of following the world.

Christian Music CDs - "For it seemed good to the Holy Spirit, and
to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things: that
you abstain from things offered to idols…" Acts 15:28, 29

You're probably thinking, 'What [the fuck] are you talking about,
Mom?' Well, just this morning, as I was reading in my Beth Moore Bible
study, this was one of the verses and I thought of it while writing this
letter. It also reminds me of that story I've told you about the delicious
Brownies with just a tiny bit of "poop" mixed in.

[STOP THE PRESSES! "It also reminds me of that story I've told you
about the delicious Brownies with just a tiny bit of 'poop' mixed in."

Great brownies, mom. What's your secret?]

Most of today's music is, if not blatantly idolatrous, then certainly the
lifestyles of the band members are. Don't compromise. Stay as far away
from the world as possible, don't see how close you can get and not be
affected. Feed your spirit "kosher" food, not the junk the world offers.
[I'm no expert on Jewish dietary laws, but if you're feeding your kids
poop-filled brownies, keeping kosher should be at the bottom of your pile
of concerns. Tip to anyone who plans on attending Haven's birthday party
- STAY AWAY FROM THE DESSERT CART]

Skirt & Shirt - "And I want women to be modest in their appearance.
They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to
themselves…For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves
attractive by the good things they do." 1 Timothy 2:9,10 [Hear that,
ladies? You need to yourselves attractive by the good things you do.
Like blowjobs, I guess.]

This one is going to be tough. You could wear a potato sack and still draw
attention to yourself. Dressing modestly can't be about skirt lengths and
shoulder strap widths. You simply need to ask yourself, "Could what I'm
wearing cause a young man's eyes to linger on my body and make him
stumble?" [Who else's brain just melted?] Aim to please God and
attract His attention by the good things you do. Then you will truly be
beautiful.

Jesus - Fact or Fiction DVD - "Then He asked them, 'Who do you say
I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Messiah, the Son of the living
God.' Jesus replied, 'You are blessed, Simon son of John, because my Father
in heaven has revealed this to you. You did not learn this from any human
being.'" Matthew 16:15-17

I remember when you were about five years old and you asked me, "Mommy, how
do we know that our God is the only God when all the other religions think
their God is the only one?" Wow! You have always been quite the thinker.
[Translation: You doubting, blasphemous little whore of Babylon]
Yes, believing Jesus is the only way to the Father takes faith, but God
isn't afraid of a little investigation either. Keep asking questions,
baby! Jesus will always prove to be the Answer.


"Leader" Plaque - "The greatest among you should be like the
youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves." Luke 22:26

Haven, it is obvious that God has created you to be a leader. Listen to
Jesus, "He who is greatest among you shall be your servant." This
principle doesn't make sense [Heard that] and it will probably go
against every instinct you have but that is where faith comes in. Serve
others, humble yourself and let God exalt you.

"Excellence" Plaque - "Do you see a man skilled in his work? He
will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men." Proverbs
22:29

Because of your natural talents you can put forth less effort and still
achieve amazing results. Don't settle! Require more of yourself than even
others would expect. Don't tolerate mediocrity. You can be the best at
everything you set your mind to - so work longer, push harder, try more,
and become ALL that God created you to be. [These pills will help]
He didn't give you so much potential so that you could take it easy and
still reap the rewards. To much is given, much is required.

Mother/Daughter Frame - "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has
granted me my petition which I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

I have wanted a daughter for as long as I can remember because I wanted to
have the same kind of relationship I have with my mother. [As seen in
the movie "Sybil"] And as Grandmother has said to me, "You are so
blessed; God gave you a daughter and a spare." [A "spare"??? Haven, stay
far, far away from grandma…] Haven, we are so much alike. So far that
is a good thing. I appreciate your strengths and understand your
weaknesses. I'm so glad we are best friends. I don't take that for
granted.

I love you, my beautiful teenage daughter.

Love,
Mom



Upcoming Speaking Dates [If you go, ask about the brownies]

October 8 - 9 - Lansing, Michigan (Hearts at Home)
October 15-16 - Houston, Texas (MomTime Get-A-Way)
October 18 - Minot, ND
October 22 - Bristol, CT
October 26 - Bradenton, FL
October 30 - Canton, Michigan
November 6 - Norwalk, CT
November 20 - Whittier, CA
December 4 - Palm Springs, CA
January 27 - 30 - Women's Retreat Cruise (Have you signed up yet?)

For further details go to www.LisaWhelchel.com and click on "Calendar"


"Hot Sauce" update

The show "20/20" postponed the filming twice and now it is postponed again
until after the first of the year. I feel great about this. God is
waiting for His perfect timing, or better yet, He's snuffing this fire out!
[I'd rather see Child Protective Services deal with this]

Homeschool Book

I have received so many fabulous responses to my homeschool E-letter but
I need some more to make the revision of So, You're Thinking About
Homeschooling really worth updating. I've already written the new chapter
and I'm putting together the additional appendix tentatively titled,
"Favorites from the Field." I am convinced that moms would rather hear
recommendations and reviews from other homeschooling moms rather than
"experts" (present company included.) [Damn those "experts" with their
"degrees" and "facts"]

If you could pass on my request to other homeschool moms, websites,
bulleting boards, chat groups, etc I would really appreciate it. I simply
need homeschoolers to think of their favorite curriculum, product or
resource that they would like to recommend to a "newbie" homeschooler and
briefly answer the following questions.

One of my favorite homeschool resources has been…[How to homeschool
your children while they're locked in a closet]

I like it because…[It don't lead to book learin' or race mixin']

To find out more about it go to www…[rodneyanonymous.com]

They can send their responses to Lisa@LisaWhelchel.com


I have some more exciting news I want to share with you but I'm afraid
this E-letter has gotten long enough. [Finally, we agree on
something] I'll write again soon.

Blessings,
Lisa



Rodney on 10.08.04 @ 07:05 PM EST [link]

Dude, it's the Devil

It's never too late to have a happy childhood and it's never too early to
celebrate Halloween. You can do both by renting El Día de la bestia
(The Day of the Beast). Don't let the cheesy title put you off,
this films rules all nine levels of Hell (Ten, if you count the lowest
level which is being reserved for Bill O'Reilly and the Democrats who
tried to kick Nader off the ballot.)

For every good flick about the Anti-Christ/Apocalypse (The Omen,
Rosemary's Baby, Beaches, etc.) there a 100 crappy ones
(The Omen II, through XXVI, End of Days, The Seventh Sign,
Jason vs. Mary Kate and Ashley). Well, those crappy films finally
get their comeuppance thanks to The Day of the Beast which takes the
Anti-Christ/Apocalypse genre and into bold new territory - comedy.

Álex Angulo stars as Father Ángel Beriartúa, a priest who deciphers the
code behind the Book of Revelations and then spends most of the movie
trying to contact the Devil. It's a role that Roberto Benigni would've
killed for, back before he started appearing in total shit like Pinocchio.

This film has it all, folks - Satanic music fans, flaming bums, and TV
Psychics. 666 stars - don't miss it.

Speaking of Satanic good times ("J.J. put down that goat head."), don't
miss tomorrow's Paul Kircher Show. I'll be dropping by to witness Paul
interview Jack Grimes, UFU candidate for President and the good folks
behind Weird New Jersey (a redundancy?)

Pennsylvania, where the mean and the stupid coexist peacefully…

And speaking of the Paul Kircher Show, if you caught yesterday's show then
you learned that Washingtonian Magazine, in their annual review of the best
and worse of Congress, bestowed a little recognition on both of
Pennsylvania's Senators. Arlen Specter tied, Ted Stevens (R-AK), and
Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) for the title of Meanest Senator (This was
the fourth time Arlen clinched the title), and garnering the coveted spot
of Dumbest Senator was, no surprise here, Rick "Gang Bang Towel Boy"
Santorum who tied with Patty Murray (D-WA). Congratulations to all…except
Santorum, who can go fuck himself.

Many of you have written me to inquire about Mr. Edgar Allen Twain, whose
short story The Black Frog of Calaveras County recently appeared
on this very website. Even more of you have written me with spelling and
grammar suggestions. I'm afraid that the latter will be of little use,
since Mr. Twain died in 1881 (of complications resulting from a Curse that
was placed on him during the Civil War).

For the record, Edgar Allen Twain was a second cousin, twice removed to
Mark Twain (on his mother's side) and a first cousin, thrice removed
(which, technically made him an Aunt), to Edgar Allen Poe (on his father's
side).

During his brief life (he died at the age of 46), E.A. Twain authored over
700 short stories, including The Telltale Hat, The Conqueror
Slug, The Haunted Keelboat, and The Narrative of Huckleberry
Finn. I'm hoping to feature at least one more of Mr. Twain's short
stories before the end of the month.

Tonight, as part of Secret Cinema, Jam Master Jay Schwartz will be showing
The Undertaker and His Pals on the roof of the Whole Foods Market
at 929 South Street.

"When I was child, my Dad took me to the circus. The ringmaster said, 'Hey,
mister, get your kid outta here - he's drawing attention away from the
freaks.'"
- Rodney Dangerfield (1921 -2004)



Rodney on 10.07.04 @ 09:15 AM EST [link]

My Million Dollar Day

The television show Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I have had a
long and troubled relationship. When the show first premiered a few years
back, I would spend my evenings dutifully dialing into to the show's 1-800
number, following Regis Philbin's instructions, and answer all five
questions. The next day I would patiently sit by me phone waiting for the
show's computer to pluck my name from the list of names of other people
who had answered all of the questions correctly, and to hear from the
show's producers. They never called.

"Their computer is obviously an anti-Semite," I complained to Vienna one day.

"But you're not Jewish."

"No, but my last name sounds Jewish…"

This went on for a few months. Eventually Who Wants to be a Millionaire
stopped occupying my every waking moment. I dialed in less and less, and -
except for the show's resurrection as Who Wants to be a Super
Goddamn Millionaire (Once again, their computer dicked me) , I forgot
about the show, entirely. Or so I thought. The truth was that somewhere,
in the back of my brain stilled lived the little voice that whispered "You
can beat them. You can them all."

Then, a few weeks ago, I walked into the living room while Vienna was
watching a program that I had no idea existed - the daytime version
of Who Wants to be a Millionaire . White whale off the port side,
Captain! What amazed me about the daytime version of the show was how
utterly clueless the contestants seemed to be. Shit, Luther, where did
they find these idiots? None of them seemed to be able to answer more than
four questions correctly, and the "phone-a-friends" were on par with the
saddest Greek tragedies (One woman's father hung up on her). And then it
hit me - if these 'tards could get on the show, surely I could.

By the way, I should point out that the daytime version of Who Wants to
be a Millionaire is not hosted by the kindly Regis Philbin, but by a
woman named Meredith Vieira who always appears to be smiling. She frightens
me. She frightens me a lot.

I paid a visit to the Who Wants to be a Millionaire website and
discovered that all I had to do to get on the show was simply go to New
York and pass a tiny, 30 question test (I would also be required to sit
through the taping of two painful - yes, I believed the website did, in
fact, use the word "painful" - episodes of the show). If this was the
same test that the simpletons whom I'd watched fail to answer the most
basic of questions took, then this was going to be a piece of cake, and,
in the immortal words of Jackie Mason, "Jews love cake!" True, I'm not
Jewish, but my last name sounds Jewish…

A few days after I submitted my name and stats via the Who Wants to be
a Millionaire website, I got a call from one of the show's producers
who wanted to make sure that I'd be there on October 5th. I promised
her that both my wife and I would be present. This would mean missing
Milkmen practice, but the guys would understand. And if they didn't …well,
shit, I was about to become a Millionaire, so I could always pay them to
understand. After I hung up with the producer, Vienna and I made
reservations on Amtrak for a trip to NYC.

Now, at this point, most writers would go on for a few paragraphs about
how their excitement built during the following days, and how they had
trouble sleeping, and what they ate for breakfast on the morning of "the
big day" and that sort of bullshit. Well, fear not, gentle reader, there'll
be none of that silliness here. In fact, I think that'll employ the
cinematic technique of "jump cuts" to speed the action along.

[Jump Cut]

So positive am I that I'm going to breeze through the Who Wants to be
Millionaire test that, at 30th Street Station, I purchase a copy of
National Geographic Traveler and begin planning how I am going to
spend my million dollars. I decide that I'm either going to hire a sail
boat to ferry Vienna, a few of our friends, and myself around the coast of
Turkey, or I'm going to purchase an ice-breaker and, you know, break up
some fuckin' ice.

[Jump Cut]

On the train, Vienna and I take our seats opposite a familiar face. The
face damn well should be familiar since it belongs to actor Delaney
Williams, whom I watch every Sunday night at 9:00 pm on The Wire -
the best show on TV. Delaney turns out to be a great guy. He's incredibly
intelligent and articulate (We talk about politics for most of the ride),
so if anybody associated with Real Time with Bill Maher is reading
this - book Delaney Williams as a guest. D.L. Hughley can take that week
off.

[Jump Cut]

The test is given in a bar across the street from ABC's studio in a bar.
This gives me an idea for a show called Who Wants to be a Drunken
Millionaire . Basically, you get people liquored up and ask 'em
questions. Hell, they don't even have to answer the questions correctly.
All they have to do is not fall out of their chair. The "phone-a-friend"
lifeline would only be used so that the drunken contestant could call
someone at 3:00 am just to tell them what a great friend they are.

[Jump Cut]


We have ten minutes to answer the 30 questions on the test. I finish in
under five. Confident that I aced the thing, I smugly tuck the test back
in its envelope and wait for everybody else to finish. We have been
informed that the names of the people who passed the test will be announced
during the taping of the second episode. I fold my arms and lean back,
knowing that my name will be listed among the winners.


[Jump Cut]

Vienna and I are in the audience, watching the taping of the first episode.
Contestant Number One is no Ken Jennings - in fact, she's barely a Hominid.
"Jebbuz," I think to myself, "If this dipship passed the test, then there's
no way I could've failed." I'm not certain, but even Meredith, that smile
forever plastered on her face, had to realize that this was a "very
special" guest. I made a mental not to check for a "short bus" as I exit
the studio. Before long, Contestant Number One is gone.

I like Contestant Number Two a lot better. She's smarter than Contestant
Number One, but, then again, who isn't. Her husband is with her and he's
forced to sit under a spotlight and talk about their toilet. "Dear Christ,"
I think, "When I'm on the show, they'll make Vienna sit under that very
same spotlight and answer questions about our toilet. Is it really
worth a million dollars to subject the woman I love to that sort of
humiliation? Yes, yes it is."

Contestant Number Two fares a bit better than Contestant Number One, but
sadly makes the mistake of using her phone-a-friend lifeline to call her
mother. Note to future contestants : DO NOT phone anyone over the
age of 60. Old people are confused by new-fangled technology like
computers and phones and tend to choke when put on the spot. Also, old
people are, as a group, pretty stupid.

Speaking of stupid old people, the old woman seated directly in front of
me (The episodes featuring Vienna and me in the audience will air on
December 15th and 16th. Once you spot me, look for the old bag seated in
front of me) could've used a million dollars to buy a set of clues. She
insisted on leaning over and telling the man next to her what the "correct"
answers to questions were. She got every question, without exception,
wrong. After ten or eleven wrong guesses you'd think she's clamp her
denture together and give it rest, but no. I guess it really doesn't matter
because, since we were all instructed to shout, clap, and laugh as loudly
as possible, she most likely died of exhaustion shortly after she left the
studio.

Contestant Number Two was toast and thus ended the taping of the first
episode.

[Jump Cut]

Contestant Number One for episode two was a likeable old fart who didn't
get to hang around too long. The same goes for Contestant Number Two, only
minus "likeable" and "old". If these jokers passed the test…

[Jump Cut]

During the break, the guy who warms up the audience reads the names of the
people who passed the test. Mine in not among them.

Of course, you knew that it wouldn't be. I didn't (in fact, my feet went
numb and I suddenly felt very cold when the last name was read aloud and it
sounded nothing like mine - not even remotely Jewish.) But you knew.

You knew because you read the stuff I write and you've come to realize that
for me, just like for you, that brass ring is always just out of reach.

We're alike, you and I. If we were being held in a POW camp, we'd work for
months digging a tunnel that would end up surfacing a few yards short of
the fence. History is filled with people like you and me who kept on trying
despite failure piled upon failure. Most of them never succeed, but a small
percentage does. There's no shame in falling flat on your face. There is in
remaining that way.

I'd like to think that the lesson I should learn from all of this is that I
should be happy with what I have. I have a beautiful wife, and I write for
the city's best radio show and newspaper. That should be enough, but it
isn't. So it's time, once again, to pick myself up, dust myself off, and
look for another route to fame and fortune.

I hope you're doing the same.



Rodney on 10.06.04 @ 12:51 PM EST [link]

The Black Frog of Calaveras County

The Black Frog of Calaveras County
By Edgar Allen Twain

I am a solitary creature given to prolonged fits of melancholy. It is
therefore quite understandable that, due to my natural inclinations, I
have made few acquaintances and even fewer close friends. Thus it was with
the utmost surprise when I received a telegram for one Simon Wheeler, a
man practically unknown to me save through a mutual contact, a certain Mr.
Leonidas W. Smiley, a man of similar temprement to my own with whom I
have, on occasion, conducted business dealings.

The telegram, which read simply: "Urgent. Please Come. Angel's Camp. S.
Wheeler." alighted within my being the greatest curiosity. Angel's Camp
was, indeed, a mining town and the brevity of the message hinted at the
possibility of a discovery to which a great deal of discretion should be
attached. By "reading between the lines", I quickly deduced that a new vein
of Gold had been discovered and that investors were being sought out. Eager
for a chance to exploit this opportunity, I had my servant prepare my horse
and set out with particular haste towards Angel's Camp.

I arrived in town shortly after nightfall and, after some inquiry,
eventually found Wheeler sitting by the bar-room stove of an old,
dilapidated tavern. But how could this be the same Simon Wheeler whom
Leonidas Smiley had introduced to me not two years ago on Rutledge Street?
That man had appeared goon-natured and garrulous, with a rosy hue to his
cheeks and, despite being bald and somewhat portly, the very picture of
vitality.

The Simon Wheeler whom I now gazed upon sat alone, fidgeting nervously and
shooting distrustful glances about the room each time an ancient stool
squeaked or a glass loudly clinked against one of its brethren. He had
lost a great deal of weight and his once ruddy complexion was now the
ghastly ashen. He eyes, which I recalled as dancing and full of light had
transformed into leaden orbs which had shrank into his skull. With no small
amount of reticence, I held forth my hand in greeting and said "Mr.
Wheeler, I received your telegram…"

"I …you were the only one I could contact," he interrupted in what I can
only describe as a sort of monotone croak the effect of which increased
the already unwholesome atmosphere of the surroundings by tenfold.
"Leonidas spoke highly of you as rational man of business - one not given
to childish flights of fancy. I find myself in desperate need of such a
man as yourself."

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Mr. Wheeler. If you could…"

"I beg of you, please fetch a chair and seat yourself close enough that
others may not hear what I am about to impart to you." He shot another
suspicious glance about the tavern, taking in its half dozen or so shabby
patrons.

I did as he requested and no sooner had I seated myself opposite him than
he sprang forward with surprising speed, seizing my left forearm, and
fixing my eyes to his. "Leonidas considered you of balanced mind, do you
share that opinion?" he hissed through broken, yellow teeth. I answered
that I liked to consider myself as such and was not easily given over to
superstition or unwarranted fears,for I gathered this to be the most
inopportune circumstance under which to explain by battle with depression.
I also inquired as to the health of Leonidas whom I had not seen in
several months.

As if in a trance he ignored my inquiry and continued, "There is a
something that I want…that I need to tell you. The effect of this
information on a man of less sober character than yourself, I dare not
gauge. When I have finished with my story, I shall go and neither you nor
anyone else shall hear from me again."

I attempted to protest, but so strong was his grip and so icy his stare
that I dare not move. "You have, no doubt, heard rumors? Recriminations
about Leonidas' slavery to the bottle and to cards?"

"Sir, I assure you that I give no credence to idle gossip. In my dealings
with him, Leonidas conducted himself with most professional manners. I
never once…"

"The rumors were, of course true," Wheeler continued as if I had never
spoken. "The twin demons of alcohol and gambling had left him in
considerable debt. So much so, that he sought me out for a small loan. One
which I can honestly say that I would've happily provided him even knowing,
as I did in my heart, that its repayment was most unlikely.

Oh, if only I had given him the money and sent him on his way, but by the
foulest of coincidences he arrived in Angel's Camp on the day of our annual
Bullfrog Festival. I judge by the puzzled look on your face that you're
unfamiliar with our festival."

The fact that he had acknowledged my expression took me back a bit, for so
lost in thought had he appeared that I was certain he registered nothing
outside of his own recollections. I opened my mouth, but before I could
confess my ignorance of local custom, he resumed his monologue:

"On the last Saturday of July, for as long as anyone around these parts
can remember, Angel's Camp has conducted its annual Bullfrog Festival
. Music and food are provided by the various households of the community
and the day culminates with a bullfrog jumping contest. The prize, awarded
to the man whose frog leaps the furthest, is fifty dollars. No great
amount to either you or I, but a significant windfall to men who scratch
their living from the dirt - and to a man with creditors on his heels.

When Leonidas arrived and expressed curiosity as to the crowd gathering in
the square, I informed him as to the particulars of the festival and the
contest. Feigning amusement he quickly suggested that go off in search of
a bullfrog to enter in the competition - 'strictly for merriment.' And so
we retired to the banks of the river where, after spending most of the
morning seeking amphibians, we found ourselves empty handed.

By this point Leonidas had grown weary of the hunt and had just suggested
that we return to village to see if any of the miners possessed a frog
worth betting on when we witnessed a flash of ebony streak from the
river's bank to beneath a small bush over twenty feet distant. As we crept
up to the bush, our eyes perceived another flash of movement - this time
from the bush to a pile of leaves, again some twenty feet away.

Leonidas, in what I must confess was the most ungentlemanly display, dashed
himself upon the pile and began scampering about on his hands and knees. A
few minutes later, Leonidas righted himself and held forth the most unusual
creature for my inspection - a Bullfrog, huge and as black as Indigo ink.

Giddy with delight at the prospect of claiming the fifty dollar prize,
Leonidas raced towards the village, his obsidian quarry grasped firmly in
his hands. Shocked by what I deemed to be my friend's immature behavior, I
lagged behind. A decision that has haunted me these past months, and which
will continue to haunt me for my remaining days - I pray that they be few.

I would latter learn that when Leonidas arrived in Angel's Camp he walked
up to the first group of men that he saw conjugating together and attempted
to place bets with them that his black frog would win that day's
competition by jumping at least fifteen feet.

These men, miners all, are a close-knit community and hold no small distain
towards outsiders, especially those attempting to compete for what they
feel to be their prize money. So, it was with great pleasure that they
informed Leonidas of something which had completely slipped my mind. This
year was a Leap Year and therefore 'Leap Year rules' would be implemented.

Every four years, on a Leap Year, it was explained to Leonidas, the prize
money is doubled to one hundred dollars. This news naturally brought a
smile to Leonidas face - one which turned to a malevolent scowl once it was
further explained that money would be awarded to the man whose frog jumped
the shortest distance. This explanation was followed by riotous
laughter at Leonidas' expense.

I arrived on the scene just as the mocking laughter was dying down and in
time to witness Leonidas regain his composure, or so I thought, and
announce with showman-like flair 'Gentlemen, so confident am I in the
superiority of my black frog, that I will gladly wager that, not only will
he jump the smallest distance, but - like the best trained hunting dog -
he will obey my command to remain perfectly still.' Once more the crowd
burst into laughter; however this time Leonidas joined in with them,
letting forth a shrill cackle.

A short time later, after securing the miners wagers, Leonidas crept off
in the direction of the woods, refusing to acknowledge my presence. I know
now that I should've pursued him and attempted to glean his designs, but
so embarrassed was I by his behavior that I wished no one to perceive a
connection between us.

Less than an hour later, an announcement was made for all the men who would
be entering frogs in the jumping contest to assemble before a white line
which had been chalked into the grass. About two dozen men (Leonidas among
them), closely followed by a noisy pack of children, stepped forward and
squatted, placing their frogs on the line. The frogs instantaneously began
leaping in all the directions of the compass - with the sole exception of
Leonidas' black bullfrog which remained perfectly still, apparently
obeying Leonidas' command to 'sit.'

Now all eyes turned to Leonidas' black frog and suddenly the air was
punctuated with screams of horror from the children and cries of disgust
from the adults as the reason why the frog remained steadfast became
clearly visible, for Leonidas had amputated all of the poor creatures legs.

Rising to his feet, Leonidas addressed the angry crowd, "You dared to make
sport of me?" he bellowed. "You, a pack of ignorant rustics, dared to
laugh in my face? Well, I ask you, who's laughing now?" Once more Leonidas
let forth a shrill cackle as he was seized up and carried off by a mob of
several dozen miners.

Mericful Lord, how I wanted to intercede on Leonidas' behalf, but I know
full well that had I stepped forward and acknowledged him as my friend,
so caught up in their frenzy were the miners, that they would've visited
upon me the same punishment they planned to deliver upon Leonidas. Racked
with guilt, I waited and waited for news of my friends fate, but miners
never spoke of what had happened to Leonidas.

For months I searched, fruitlessly, for any scrap of information as to
Leonidas' whereabouts. And then, a few weeks ago while I was visiting
Baltimore on business, this caught my eye."

Wheeler shaky hand reached into his coat pocket and removed a large piece
of paper which had been folded into quarters. Carefully he unfolded the
paper and handed it to me. It was an advertisement for a traveling circus
called "The Garibaldi Family Carnival of Wonders" which seemed to feature
the usual assortment of trained ponies, acrobats, and…

It took all of my strength to stifle the scream, for there - directly
beneath the words "The Human Tadpole" - was a depiction of the limbless
torso of Leonidas W. Smiley.


Rodney on 10.04.04 @ 07:45 AM EST [link]