Thoughtless for the Day

Friday, October 1st

Big-Assed Weekend Edition (Featuring LWTP, Tickets, Debates and Drew)

Life with the Poor #23 has been posted.

Presale tickets for the Dave Blood Memorial/Benefit show will be available
from Ticket Master website at 10am October 6th.

freind (13k image) Happy October, everybody. Did any of you watch the debates last night? I
did. I don't know why, but I did. I was thinking about boycotting the
debates on the grounds that they weren't really debates at all. Maybe I'm
mistaken, but I always thought that debates involved some sort verbal
exchange between two or more parties, and not just a pair of Bozos reading
prepared statements. If last night's match up qualified as a debate, then
the Hall of Presidents at Disney World qualifies as a debate.

Although, to be honest, if Disney had ran the debate, they would've edited
out this bit:

Kerry: I acknowledge [the president's] daughters, I've watched them…
Bush: I'm trying to put a leash on them.
Kerry: I've learned not to do that.

And where the Hell were David Cobb, Ralph Nader, and Jack Grimes? I dunno
about Cobb and Nader, but I bet Grimes has a few choice thoughts about
putting the Bush twins on a leash.

Overall, I'd have to say that the Bush's high-water mark came when Kerry
insisted that we should've gone into Iraq with more allies and Bush came
back with "He says we didn't have allies? What does he say to Tony Blair?
What does he say to Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland?"

Would that be the same Aleksander Kwasniewsk who said "They deceived us
about the weapons of mass destruction, that's true. We were taken for a
ride."

As for Kerry, it seemed to me that he accomplished his goal - to look
taller than Bush. I still have no fuckin' idea where he actually stands
on Iraq, NAFTA, or "No Child Left Behind", but he sure is tall. He's tan, too.

But I'm just a lone lunatic crying out in the wilderness. What do the
professional lunatics think of the debate?

A quick check of Michelle Malkin's web site shows…nothing??? WTFMYV?
It's noon, Michelle, roll the fuck outta bed and write something that I can
make fun of. I did think that Bush sucked so badly in the debates that you
need all day to come up with some positive spin to put on his performance.

Al Franken, on the other hand, won't shut up: "Kerry won. We saw it with
our own eyes. So did pundits, and--so far--they agree." Yes, Al, Kerry
did a brilliant job of keeping Nader out of the debates, thereby avoiding
questions like "Senator, how does your position on the Israeli/Palestinian
situation differ from that of the President?"

poemap5 (32k image) Face it, Franken; you're not a radical bringer-of-truths, you're the
pitchman for a corporation - The Democratic Party. Now go fetch John
Edwards his cream soda.

So, since I can't declare a winner, I'm going to declare a loser - the
American public because we learned nothing. For example:

Both Bush and Kerry feel really bad for the people of Darfur. Are
they planning to do anything to help them? No, but they feel really bad.

Both Bush and Kerry assured us that we are going to win the war with Iraq.
So I guess that doesn't mean either of them needs to put forward an exit
strategy for getting US troops and corporations out of there.

Elsewhere in the universe, Drew Barrymore wants us to vote. Well, maybe
not old farts like you and me, but young people - uninformed,
undereducated, young people.

Barrymore's journey from Charlie's Angel to political activist began
shortly after she joined Declare Yourself, a voter-registration campaign
when she was asked was asked to make a speech. For what couldn't have
been the first time in her live, Drew no clue what to say.

So Drew set forth on a quest to be less of a 'tard. Fortunately for fans
of comedy, that quest has been documented in The Best Place To
Start, which has its final airing tonight on MTV. Here are a few things
she learned:

"…realizing that women didn't have the right to vote until 1923."

"Being 27, 28 years old and not knowing what a primary or the Electoral
College is - I was that person."

"This is exactly what fucking politics does to you. It tries to make you
feel stupid."

"It's so ridiculous. You have one side of it where people are trying to
disenfranchise and repress voting. Or be so highfalutin that they're
alienating everyone. On the other side, you have the most soulful
individuals in our history, doing the most brave things human beings can
do within their capacity to ensure and enable the right to vote. And it's
an incredible dichotomy. They should come together. They should not
battle each other."

Look, I'm not saying that … you know what? I don't really know what to say
about this. Mostly because I'm so blown away by how stupid Drew Barrymore
is. Shit, Luther, I guess all you need to make it in America is famous
last name and a big set of tits. On the one hand, maybe it's a good thing
that Drew Barrymore woke up one day, realized that she was an idiot, and
set out to empower people who are powerless primarily because their either
too stupid or lazy to step inside a voting booth.

Perhaps Ms. Barrymore is wasting her time trying to treat the symptom and
not the disease. Young people don't vote because they don't understand how
important voting is. The don't realize the sacrifices that their ancestors
made to secure the right to vote. They're ignorant because our schools
have failed to teach them the importance of voting. Maybe Drew should be
focusing on education. That's what Kate Jackson, the smart angel, would do.

Rodney on 10.01.04 @ 01:31 PM EST [link]

Thursday, September 30th

Vox Mongoli

Greetings, gentle readers.

Mr. Anonymous is busy with "an important writing assignment "(his first
since MAD magazine finally agreed to run his "The Lighter Side of
Orphanage Fires" piece), so I'm filling in for him today.

Since my responsibilities include answering the voluminous email which
floods the RATYHTL inbox and penning the Thoughtless for today, I
thought that I'd kill two birds with one rather large brick for the
as-yet-to-be-repaired southernmost wall of my garden by combing both tasks.

Rising to the challenge like a swarthy foreigner to a knife sale, I
quickly skimmed the e-mail and found the following message under the
charming subject line of "from one stupid shit to another":

it's a shame it took me 6 months to get to your idiot comment but i
actually have a life! a life which is dedicated to helping people in
philadelphia- people who you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole! i make
a laughable salary for little or no gratitude but at least i know i'm
doing something for our city. so you go ahead and keep changing the world
by going to the library to see "famous authors" and
"traveling exhibits."

i feel bad for you that you can lose total control because some stupid shit
wrote an opinion about a tv show to the paper (50% of which, you ass, is
eliminated or changed from what i actually wrote). no wait, i think i have
even more pity for you because you're exactly like the people you profess
to hate. now who's the stupid shit?

what's your deal anyway? no friends growing up? get beat up a lot? mommy
hate you? gay? all alone? well, anyway, from one stupid shit to another-
at least you make me laugh. j_ d_ re: 3/22/04

After much investigation, with the aid of a copyboy (who I was beating
with my cane as a reminder not to rest on his laurels), I eventually
discovered the source of J_'s anger and set about, as is our policy here
at RATYHTL, making amends:

Dear J__;

Thank you for you passionate and awkwardly worded email which you
apparently spent six months composing. Unfortunately, Mr. Anonymous is not
in the office today. If he were here, I'd like to think that he would
offer his most sincere apologies for any distress that he may've caused
you and wish you the best of look with your GED.

Of course, that's what I'd like to think. In reality thhe odds are more
likely that Mr. Anonymous would respond to your email with "If you insist
on holding jejune opinions, then don't become angry when people point out
that your opinions are, in fact, jejune." Then he would no doubt disperse
your email throughout the literary community under the heading of "And you
thought Mencken had it rough?"

Since I'm running things here at RATYHTL today, I hope you won't mind if I
"step up to the plate" (To use the vernacular of people who aren't fit to
carry my bags up to my suite at the Plaza) and address your concerns.

First, I am pleased as Punch to learn that you have a life - particularly
one which is dedicated to helping people in Philadelphia. Since you failed
to explain exactly what it is that you do (for a laughable salary for little
or no gratitude) and how your profession benefits those around you, I must
resort to conjecture and assume that make balloon animals for
Neurosurgeons. Good for you!

Next, thank you for suggesting that Mr. Anonymous continue to go to the library
to see "famous authors" and "traveling exhibits" - I assure you that he will.
In fact, just the other day - over cognac - Mr. Anonymous was going on, at
great length, about how much he enjoys the library. Mostly because it is,
in his words, "relatively free of dolts, clods, and utter fucktards."

I too feel bad for Mr. Anonymous regarding his tendency to lose control
over what may seem the most trivial of matters. Last Sunday, for example,
I accepted an invitation to Mr. Anonymous' home to watch The McLaughlin Group.
Well, to my horror, less than ten minutes into the program, Mr. Anonymous
began shouting (at the very tip-top of his lungs, no less) that Tony
Blankley was, again in his words, a "fat cocksucker". He then passed along
an anecdote, which I am loathe to repeat, about Mr. Blankley devouring a
live gazelle.

As to the question of who is now the stupid shit, well, I'm afraid the jury
is still out on that one; however, if it's not impertinent of me, I'd like
to offer you some advice:

Today is an important day, perhaps the most important day, in your life -
because it is the day that you get to make a choice. You can either
remember today as the day on which you were "dressed-down", in print, by
the theater critic for the Burley Protestant Observer, or you can
remember today as the day on which your life changed for the better.

Whoever led you to believe that it is your lot in life to defend puerile
entertain which has an adverse effect on both the culture and economic
life of your city did you a great injustice. You were born for far greater
things than that.

Step away from the pre-fabricated saga of seven strangers picked by a large
corporation to live house that magically sucks the soul from its
surrounding community, and seek out those "famous authors" and "traveling
exhibits", because you did manage to hit one nail on the head -
Mr. Anonymous is, indeed, quite lonely. He needs all the company he can
get.

Warmest regards,
Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton

Nathan on 09.30.04 @ 12:36 PM EST [link]

Wednesday, September 29th

Cassandra on the Schuylkill

rubin1 (17k image) One of the most tragic literary characters of all time has to be Cassandra
from the Iliad. The daughter of Troy's king, Priam, Cassandra had
been blessed with the gift of prophecy. Unfortunately, she also had been
cursed -the nature of this curse being that while she had the ability to
see the future, no one would believe her visions.

When Cassandra tried to warn her fellow Trojans that war with the Greeks
would spell their own destruction, everyone nodded and said "Yes, thanks
for the advice, now run along." And run along she did. She ran up and down
the corridors of her father's palace screaming "Won't someone listen
to me?"

It's a sentiment that must have been familiar to Richard Clarke who spent
the months leading up to the September 11th attacks trying to convince the
White House that this Osama bin Laden character was someone that Uncle Sam
should be keeping an eye on.

It's also a sentiment that Trudy Rubin must also be familiar with. Rubin
has just publish a collection of her Worldview columns from the
Philly Inquirer which chronicle the War with Iraq from shortly before it
began until the handover of power to Iraq's interim government under the
title of Willful Blindness - The Bush Administration and Iraq.

In early September of 2002, Ms. Rubin began to ask the question "What will
happen on the day after Saddam Hussein is removed from power?" Judging by
the Bush administration's lackluster attempt at nation building in
Afghanistan, Trudy Rubin knew the answer to that question wasn't going to
be pretty.

Of course the White House thought differently. They originally envisioned
that the occupation of Iraq would be not unlike the occupation of Japan,
despite the facts the American's occupation of Japan had the backing of
almost the entire world and that Japan wasn't filled with Shiites, Sunnis,
and Kurds.

The Bush administration would later steer away from the Iraq/Japan
comparison. In a meeting with Ms. Rubin, Paul Wolfowitz explained that
post-war Iraq would resemble post- WWII France. You have to admit, it's
hard to find an analogy that makes less sense than the Iraq/Japan one, but
to his credit, Wolfowitz found one.

Not that Ms. Rubin was a huge fan of Saddam Hussein. She goes to some
lengths laying out the case for his removal and how that case should've
been presented to the UN. It's her opinion that had the US presented Saddam
as a regional threat then we would've stood a good chance of
building a true international coalition dedicated to his ouster.

So, why didn't the White House go before the UN Security Council and say
"Look, Hussein is a danger to his neighbors and his own people. If left
unchecked, he'll continue to be a danger, so let's all go back and finish
what we started with the Gulf War."? Well, that wouldn't have helped Bush
promote his new policy of Preemptive War, now would it have? Ms.
Rubin does a fine job of making the case that it was the promotion of this
policy and not régime change or lust for oil that really lay at the heart
of the war.

Fine, so the White House labored under the delusion, partly of their own
making and partly from a package of lies sold to them by Chalabi that -
almost instantaneously after the war - Iraq would magically transform
into a Democracy, privatize their oil industry, quit OPEC, and become a
US ally, and it was this failure to understand the complexities of Iraq
and adequately develop a comprehensive post-war strategy that has led to
the deaths of over 1,000 of America's bravest citizens on Iraq soil.

OK, tell me something I didn't know.

Trudy Rubin does. She tells us how to get out of this mess in the form of
a dozen Do's and Don'ts for a drawdown of US troops. These include:

No matter what - Do hold the elections scheduled for January and
December of 2005.

Do accept the results of that election even if those results
contradict US preferences and be prepared to follow the lead of the elected
government as to how many, if any, US troops may remain in Iraq.

Don't send more US troops, unless, of course, we intend to further
anger the civilian population.

And, perhaps most importantly, Do stop thinking about regime change
for Iraq's neighbors, Iran and Syria.

Rodney on 09.29.04 @ 08:46 AM EST [link]

Tuesday, September 28th

Vote Grimes.

grimes (18k image) Let's face it, the upcoming Presidential debates are going to be about as
exciting Anson Williams (TV's "Potsie") reading aloud from an auto parts
manual while painting his den beige - unless, of course, the debates are
opened to including dynamic third-party candidate Jackson Kirk Grimes.

While the name of the candidate who actually came in first in the 2000
Presidential election is still a matter for debate, the name of the person
who placed sixth is no mystery - Jack Grimes * of the United Fascist Union
(UFU, for short).

Mr. Grimes (Fuhrer Grimes?) is a former Army corporal, Shakespearean
actor, and avowed Satanist who presently calls Elkton, MD home. A quick
trip over to vote-smart.org turned up the following fun facts about our
soon-to-be 44th President:

Articles or Books Written by the Candidate:
'New World Order for the New Millennium' with Sally Parker.

Favorites:
Favorite food: Wonton soup
Favorite movie: 'A.D.'
Favorite Book: 'Poe & King were great, too many to pick'
Favorite type of Music: Blues & Jazz.

Pets:
1 Cat: Little Boo - now deceased.

Hobbies or Special Talents:
Piano and violin playing, pressing wild flowers.

Astrological Sign:
Virgo

That same trip also turned up this picture:

grimes2 (20k image)

After a fresh change of underwear, I proceeded on to Mr. Grimes' positions
on the issues, where I learned his thoughts about Abortion ( "As you
may know both Mussolini & Hussein outlawed abortion in Italy & Iraq during
their lives. However, we believe this was due in no small part to the
religious beliefs of the Italians & Iraqis and so has no bearing on what
we do in America. Also, they're dead now & the United Fascist Union has to
keep up with the times." ), Drug Issues ( "… allow drug stores and
tobacco shops to sell marijuana, cocaine and other party favor drugs over
the counter."), and International Aid ("Not only do I admire and
respect Mr. Castro I'd love a good Cuban cigar again. Africa is a waste
of time and money. Give that money to the Israeli's or other countries
that actually do something for America or, our own poor here at home.")

Sure it would be easy to mock Jack Grimes as some sort of nutjob, but is
his candidacy any more ridiculous than either those of Bush or Kerry's?
Say what you will about Grimes, but I've read his entire bio and not once
did the words "Skull and Bones" come up - well, at least not pertaining to
a fraternity.

In an age when ass-grabbing actors can become Governors of real
states and ex-coke head presidents can invade sovereign nations on
trumped-up charges while the "opposition" party gives a big thumbs up,
Jack Grimes actually looks like a reasonable alternative.

Breaking News...

Jack Grimes will be a guest on the Paul Kircher Show on Friday, Oct 8th.

* Oddly Jack Grimes did not appear on any state ballots in 2000 (despite a
claim on his website that his name appeared on the ballots of 45 states.)

Rodney on 09.28.04 @ 10:58 AM EST [link]

Monday, September 27th

Screw Che Guevara and the motorcycle he rode in on.

che (14k image) Yesterday, I awoke to discover that Vienna and I had no breakfast food, so
I chucked on down to the supermarket to pick up some bagels and muffins.
The supermarket is one of those Whole Foods markets, so - while the
produce is excellent - the hippie and pseudo-hippy factor in unbearable.

Going to the supermarket is a nightmare in itself. Now imagine compounding
the experience with the horror of having to stand in line behind some
flower-child-gone-to-seed who is demanding proof that her vegan cookies
weren't made by enslaved indigenous people and you get some insight into
the Hell that is my life.

So, I'm standing in line and I hear the checkout girl (approximate age: 19)
complement the guy in front of me (approximate age: 22) on his t-shirt. I
look over and notice that the wondrous t-shirt in question is one of those
generic Che Guevara t-shirts. "Wow, that sure is a swell t-shirt" I
say. "What do you know about Che?"

Mistakenly sensing a kindred soul, the kid replies "He was a
revolutionary."

"He sure was. After Castro came to power, Che was put in charge of the
firing squads. Che had 2,500 men shot - and that's by his own score
keeping."

"Well, I …"

"These were husbands, brothers and fathers who were torn away form their
screaming families only to be riddled with bullets, and without a trial
because, as Che put it 'To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is
unnecessary.' Eventually Che got bored with killing
'counter-revolutionaries' and he was moved to a new job - Governor of the
Central Bank of Cuba. "

Both the checkout girl and the kid stare blankly at me, but I'm rolling
and there's no way I'm gonna stop. "Did you know that Che was an
industrialist?"

The checkout girl and the kid open their mouths, but nothing other than
the smell of "pita breath" comes out.

"Castro appointed him Minister of Industries. Che's motto was "Accelerated
Industrialization!" In other words, he wanted to turn all of Cuba into a
giant factory. Of course, after getting bored with that job, Che decided
to take his act on the road, where he failed miserably to export Cuba's
revolution to the Congo and Bolivia. Not only did Che fail to enlist any
Bolivian peasants into his guerilla army, but it was these very peasants,
whom Che had come to liberate, who turned him over to the Bolivian army.
Oh, I forgot to mention Che's 'labor' camps…"

"I didn't know…"

"That's only because you didn't ask."

People, if there's one thing that bothers me more than some uneducated
yahoo rambling on-and-on about how Ronald Reagan was our greatest
president, it's the Cult of Che Guevara. Unfortunately, the cult is about
to have a membership drive via the film The Motorcycle Diaries.
All I'm asking is that, should you spot someone in a Che t-shirt, you
supply them with the facts. That, my comrades, is Revolution.

Rodney on 09.27.04 @ 10:16 AM EST [link]

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