Blair's Prayers Scare the Unprepared
Greetings, Prayer Worriers
So you’ve all shown great patience in waiting for me to finish GOD (Part
VII), I’ve decided to give you a little treat: That is, if you actually
consider hacking your way through though the jungle of insane ranting that
are Blair’s E-Letters. This time out, Blair takes on the aftermath of
Hurricane Katrina…without once ever mentioning Black people. Read ‘em
weep, folks.
Dear Friend [or snickering smartass],
So much has already been said about the devastating hurricane that hit the
Gulf Coast last week. I don't presume to think [“presume to think”
???]that I have any better words to offer during this beyond-words
tragedy [How ‘bout “you take the good; you take the bad. You take them
both and there you have The Facts of Life”? ]. At the same time, as
speechless as we are left feeling, I couldn't comprehend sending out a
September E-letter that wasn't trivial in comparison to what is going on
in our country right now. It is truly unbelievable that so many people
could lose everything overnight. I can't even begin to imagine what they
must be going through.
It took a levee breaking and the deaths of thousands to make Blair
realize the trivial nature of her E-Letters? What would it take for her to
realize the total meaninglessness of her life? A meteor? Nuclear war? A
Gay couple moving in next-door?
Steve has been on "Storm Watch" for days. We tease him about his CNN/Fox
News obsession. [Bullshit! Steve is watching scrambled porn. Whenever
Blair enters the room he hits the “last channel” button on the remote and
tosses his jacket over his lap. We’ve all been there, eh fellas?]He
surfs back and forth all day long and then when he gets in the car, the
radio is immediately tuned in to more news of the hurricane [Now that’s
a whacky Morning Zoo Crew.]. At first the devastation seemed surreal,
almost like watching a movie about a natural disaster. Then the news
channels started focusing the cameras on the faces [“Wow, I never knew
that so many Negroes existed!”] and the families and the homes. Then
it became real. I made myself stop, disassociate myself from the objective
news reports [“Must go to my ‘Happy Place’! Must go to my ‘Happy
Place’!”] and think about what these people must be feeling.
Imagine...all you have are the clothes on your back. You had to leave your
scrapbooks, mementos, family heirlooms, that dress that makes you feel so
pretty, those pants that fit just right, your favorite coffee mug,
comfy-cozy pillow and on and on and on. Not only do you no longer have a
place to live, but you also don't have a job, so you don't have any money
or way of making any money [This just in: Many of the people who were
unable to escape from New Orleans didn’t have jobs, money, or marketable
skills BEFORE the flood, you stupid circus whore! That’s why they were
unable to drive or catch a flight out of the city.]. You have no place
to go and no way to get there […and you’re Black in Bush’s
America.]
So, you wait and wait and wait, in the same clothes for days, sleeping in
the middle of stench and chaos and fear and despair [Or, as I like to
call it, “College”.]. Until you climb on a bus heading away from life
as you've known it. If you are one of the fortunate ones, you still have
your family safely gathered around you for comfort and support. At least
you can get through this together.
[What about the UNfortunate ones? Sweet Cajun Jesus on a shrimp boat,
Blair never even attempts to “presume to think” about their plight. Shit
Luther, it’s one thing to focus on the positive but entirely another to
completely purge your mind of unpleasant thoughts. Maybe this is how Blair
is able to deal with the sight of her husband flogging his bishop to the
O’Reilly Report?]
Oh, but how in the world can they survive this upheaval if they have not
built their house on the Rock? [Instead of next to the levee?] My
main prayer is for those who know the Lord to sense His presence and
strength and comfort and grow closer to Him as a result of this trial
[Translation: Screw the unbelievers.]. I believe with all of my
heart, that as tragic as this tragedy is [Not to mention the tragic
trajectory of this tragic tragedy which may have resulted in many tragic
tracheotomies and triple trichinosis tragedy], God is still on the
throne and in control. Every affected believer can anticipate looking back
on these dark days and saying, "As hard as it was, I would go through it
again for the sweet blessing of knowing my faithful Lord and Provider and
Supplier of all my needs like I've never known Him before."
Gentle reader, if you checked your medicine cabinet this morning and
found that you were completely out of Crazy Pills, you now know why: Blair
took them. “Ya’ know; I sure do feel a whole lot closer to Jesus now that
my house has been washed away, my pets eaten by looters, and my daughter
violated on the 50-yard-line of the SuperDome.”
As the television cameras pan the interior of football stadiums I hear
Jesus saying, "Look, the fields are white for harvest." ”And the faces
of the victims are black with pigment.” Can you think of a better time
to share the love of Jesus? Oh; I dunno: How ‘bout on the few occasions
when He and His Ol’ Man haven’t totally screwed me over by either sending
me too much rain or a too little money. So often, the comforts and
promises of this world masquerade as security and happiness. Well, these
dear people have been stripped of just about everything the world can
offer them. Oh dear God, send Your Spirit to whisper Your hope and
salvation to these desperate hearts! Draw them near to You and may they
find the hope their souls have been longing for in You.
Lemme get this straight: comfort is actually misery masquerading as
happiness. Sure; and Oceania is at war with Eastasia. In fact, Oceania has
always been at war with Eastasia. Eurasia has always been our ally.
I have been so convicted by the Lord through this about how myopic my
little world is. [Let it go; it’s too easy] I pray daily and
fervently for my family, loved ones, and you [She’s praying that I stop
posting her E-letters]. But it is so easy to forget there is a whole
world of lost and hurting people.[Not if you’re one of ‘em.] I
can't use the excuse, oh it is just too big to even comprehend [“Oh it
is just too big to even comprehend” is, coincidently, the same thing
Vienna said on our wedding night. Badda bing!]. What could my little
prayers do anyway? The answer to that question is, nothing – but my big
God can do an awful lot and He chooses to respond to our little prayers.
[Or crush us: depending on his mood]
I received this month's "Today’s Christian Woman" magazine in the mail a
couple of days ago. My hero, Beth Moore, is on the cover! One paragraph
from her interview jumped off the page and straight into my heart. She
says, "The Lord's shown me how important it is to stay in tune with what's
going on in the lives of oppressed people around the world. I pray daily
beyond my own little world to keep me not only from being too
self-centered but also too family-centered. There's a big world out there
[“And it’s only 6,000 years old”]. I can implode with
self-absorption if I'm not careful.[Clean up in aisle five!]" Oh,
how true are those words in my life. I think 90% percent of my prayers and
thoughts center around my kids.
Hello? Is this Blair? My name is M’butoo; I’m a little brown oppressed
person.
Hey, I was just praying for you.
Yeah, that’s really swell of you. Speaking of swelling, along with your
prayers, could you send me some medicine?
Jesus is the best medicine.
Well, that may be true for people who don’t have malaria. Ouch! And a
snakebite.
Didn’t I just send you people a package a month or two ago?
It was over a year ago and it was a box filled with books about how to
punish our children when they are bad; but our children are too weak from
hunger and disease to misbehave: their daily existence is their
punishment.
You must feel really close to God right now: after all comfort is actually
misery masquerading as happiness.
It has helped me this week to realize that every single face I see on the
television screen is one of God's kids. I wonder if they have a mother who
prays desperately for them. Just in case they don't, I will. May I
encourage you not to simply sit back and observe what is going on on the
other side of the television screen? Um, that would be a cathode-ray
gun rapidly scanning back-and-forth and up-and-down Enter in. Make it
interactive. Pick out a face in the crowd and intercede to the Father for
that person. Pray for these lives and the thousands of lives they
represent. [Take your shoes off. Sit a spell. Ya'll come back now; ya'
hear?]
Last week, I was praying that the Lord would give me His heart of
compassion for the stranded people. (You see, I'm not by nature a very
compassionate person. [WTPFBMWV*??? This E-letter succeeds only in confirming what
I've always suspected about Blair] Just ask my children when they are
sick.["Please don't put Tabasco sauce on my tongue, mommy. I promise
I'll never get chicken pox again.] I try, but I am definitely lacking
in this area. I'm more of a look at the bright side-trust God-get up and
get over it - kind of girl. [Gee, and all this time I was presuming to
think that you were an asshole])
About that time Steve received an email from our church in Los Angeles
telling about some churches in the Gulf region who could use our financial
aid. Steve and I immediately agreed that we needed to send a check right
away. [Send that check to "The First Church of Rodney H. Christ" PO BOX
666, Scamville, USA] Instantly, I was awash with tenderness for the
hurricane victims and the Lord whispered to my heart, "Where your treasure
is, there your heart will be also." ["But where your brain is, is
anybody's guess."]
As a matter of fact, I'm going to end this E-letter right here
[Huzzah!]and I highly recommend you stop reading[Huzzah!] and
send a check to the Red Cross [Huzzah!] or your local church
relief plan [Blow me!]or other reputable organization[Huzzah!].
Yes, for the good of the people on the Gulf, but also for your own good.
God bless you and God bless America. [AND GOD BLESS DARYL WORLEY!]
If you know someone you feel would enjoy reading this months e-letter,
please click this link to send it to them!
Send to a Friend
Love,
Lisa
*What The Please Fuck Beth Moore's Winkled Vagina
Rodney on 09.15.05 @ 08:11 PM EST [link] [No Comments]
It’s September. To me that means the kickoff of the Philly Fringe
To be honest with you, we didn’t get everything updated, fixed and added
