Thoughtless for the Day

Big-Assed Weekend Edition (Featuring James Randi & Cornhusker Fans)

Hello, teenage thrill-killers! Paul and I had a great time interviewing James
"The Amazing" Randi today. They don't call him "The Amazing" for nuthin' -
he rules every inch of this planet. The three of us talked about psychics,
UFO's, speaking with the dead, and - of course - RUMPOLOGY! Thanks, Paul for
allowing me to spend a half hour on the phone with one of my heroes.

You can hear the whole thing, including my "Return to Fort Mifflin" piece,
here.

An open letter to Babbitts.

Recently, in the forum, longtime listener / first time caller and weekend
Pope, sully, suggested that we all pay a visit to the "Third Rail" forum of
a message board for Nebraska Cornhusker football fans. It's a place where
small minds tackle big issues - and where unintentional comedy flows like
cheap wine. In other word - Babbitts galore!

Many of you have asked me to post something there for the enlightenment of
our knuckle-dragging brethren. Well, you can stop asking.

The post may be found here, but since they're bound to remove it, I'll
recreate it, below. Please note that with only minor alterations, this
post may be used to anger both Republicans and Democrats alike. I mention
this just in case you plan on visiting Al Franken's blog.


Dearest Babbitts;

A friend of mine sent me a link to this forum and I have to admitto being
equally fascinated and repulsed by the postings here. Congratulations.

If you don't mind, I'd like to address a question to the "regulars" here:
Why would a working class person vote for either the Republicans or the
Democrats?

After all, since Bill Clinton moved the Democratic Party to the right by
adopting the economic policies of the Republicans (Bank deregulation,
welfare reform, anti-unionism, Pro-NAFTA, etc.), haven't the two parties
been pretty much indistinguishable on economic issues? Meanwhile, the
republicans - formerly the party of fiscal responsibility - have given us
the largest tax hike in our history (under Reagan) and the largest deficit
(under Bush).

If this is, in fact, the case, then I'll assume that you're casting you
votes on "Cultural" issues. This is just as tragic.

Republicans, it's been nearly a quarter of a century since your party was
taken over by the Christian Right and what have you gained in the "Culture
Wars"? Abortion is still legal. You haven't removed the teaching of
evolution from public schools and brought prayer back in.

No, what you've accomplished is the installation of economic policies that
are far from being in your best interest (I'm assuming that none of you are
in the top 1% income bracket). The widening gap between rich and poor, the
shrinking of the middle, the lessening of a worker's right to bargain were
all ushered in while your attempt to get the 10 Commandments placed outside
every public building failed miserably. Again, you have my congratulations
… and my condolences.

By the way, if the trickle down theory is correct (This is the backbone of
Republican economic strategy. The idea is - simply put - that, by giving
tax breaks to the wealthy, capital will flow, freely, from the richest
segment of our society to the poorest), then why weren't the peasants in
the Middle Ages wealthy? After all, their Lords and Kings weren't taxed at
all. Why didn't all that gold "roll down hill"?

As for you Democrats, do you really see a difference between John Kerry and
George Bush? Take Iraq, for example. What's the difference between Kerry's
position on Iraq and Bush's? Nothing.

Kerry voted to authorize the war with Iraq and recently issued a statement
saying that, even if he had known about the lack of WMD's, he still would
have voted to authorize the war. Not only that, but "in all probability",
Kerry would've launched a military initiative to depose Hussein by now if
he were president.

On the economic front, Kerry has not made a single significant pledge towards
helping labor, which was practically deserted by the Clinton administration
who failed to pursue health care reform, strengthen labor law or in any way
attempt to better the working conditions of ordinary Americans.

Union membership, by the way, is now down to 11 per cent of the work force.
Union jobs used to be the gateway to a middle class existence for many
poor people.

Wow, those Democrats are sure doing a swell job of looking out for the
workin' guy.

In a two party system there can only be a party of money and a party of the
people. When Republican's shifted their focus towards "cultural" issues to
attract more people, the Democrats abandoned their traditional economic
policies to pick up more money. The losers in this shift were all of us who
work for a living.

Since I don't like to castigate without offering solutions, I'll put forward
two: The Greens and the Libertarians.

Those of you, who call yourselves Democrats, may want to look at the core
beliefs of the Green Party. Their principles seem to encompass the ides that
you espouse (Looking out for the little guy, protecting the environment,
not exporting jobs overseas, etc) much better than the reality of the
policies of the present Democratic Party.

As for you "Republicans", I suggest you familiarize yourselves with the
Libertarians, whose policies of fiscal responsibility coupled with
personal freedom make them what your party pretty much once was.

Oh, one last suggestion, if I may - turn off the Cornhusker game and pick up
a freakin' book. Or, to quote Professor of Economics at MIT, Noam Chomsky:

"Take, say, sports -- that's another crucial example of the indoctrination
system, in my view. For one thing because it -- you know, it offers people
something to pay attention to that's of no importance. That keeps them from
worrying about things that matter to their lives that they might have some
idea of doing something about. And in fact it's striking to see the
intelligence that's used by ordinary people in [discussions of] sports [as
opposed to political and social issues]. I mean, you listen to radio
stations where people call in -- they have the most exotic information and
understanding about all kind of arcane issues."

Thank you for your time,

Rodney Anonymous
Gentleman Adventurer


PS. I'll be busy this weekend wring a piece for a magazine (no, not
Barracuda), looking for a "cure" for that pesky sidebar problem in Internet
Explorer (Switch to Mozilla, folks), and reading death threats from
Cornhusker fans.


Rodney on 08.27.04 @ 08:06 PM EST [link]

Say it ain't so, Jo. Say it ain't so.

A few years back, I was riding the bus when I happened to overhear the
following sentences from a conversation between two women who were seated
behind me:

"I dunno. I don't think you supposed to get you baby high."

Even though I managed to turn that one line into an entire song that
appears on some Milkmen CD or another (Hey, when life hands you lemons,
make lemonade. Then lace that lemonade with LSD and sell it to life. Don't
forget to take pictures of life tripping, so that you can blackmail life
later), I was crestfallen that people could actually have a debate over
something like that.

Fast forward a few years. I'm surfing the web and I come across an article
entitled Stinging Debate:
Parents Divided Over Practice of 'Hot Saucing' as a Form of Discipline. The
gist of the piece is that some parents, apparently on leave from their posts at Abu
Ghurayb prison, are under the delusion that a good form of child discipline is to
apply hot sauce to a kid's tongue. And no, the people who do this are not all the
members of some small sect living on a ranch in Montana and awaiting the apocalypse.
Although, I'm pretty sure that more than a few are. Once again, I find myself amazed
that there is a "pro" side in this debate.

As if to add insanity to injury, enter that "pro" side's spokesperson - none other
than "Blair" from TV's The Fact's of Life"
(Oh, great. Now that theme song is gonna be stuck in my head all day), Lisa Whelchel.

"It does sting and the memory stays with them so that the next time they may
actually have some self-control and stop before they lie or bite or something like
that," Whelchel said on ABC News' Good Morning America. Of course, on one actually
heard what she said because they were all busy pointing at the TV and shouting,
"Holy shit, Blair from The Facts of Life."

The "con" side has been summed up nicely by family therapist Carleton Kendrick who
said," There's no room for pain and humiliation and fear in disciplining healthy
children. I think it's a rather barbaric practice to say the least."
(Translation:" Hot sauce on your kid's tongue? What are you, fuckin' retarded?")
So there's really no need to explore this topic anymore.

What we, as a society, need to be concerned about is the fact of life that
Blair has gone insane!

Sure, some dark hints as to Blair's present state of mind were given in the
article, which described Blair as the author of Creative Correction:
Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline and an "actress-turned-home-
schooling mom". Also, I was a little freaked out when Blair put forth the
following hypothesis:

"It's a logical consequence. If you cause somebody pain, either by the words
you say by lying and not being a trustworthy person or by biting, this is a
logical consequence. It's your mouth that's the offender."

I really hope, for Blair's kids' sake, that she never realizes that it's the
brain that's responsible for behavior. I just hope that the little tikes
have enough common sense to cover their skulls and run like Hell if they ever
see Blair coming towards them with a power drill and a bottle of Tabasco sauce.

Still, I had no idea just how bad things had gotten in her D-list celebrity mind
until I paid a visit to Blair's official
website.. Sweet four-alarm-chili-eating Jesus in a contest at a biker bar,
this woman has completely lost it. I spent a good chunk of today looking over
Blair's site and the only words that I'm left with are "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

So that you don't have to waste an entire day tooling around Blair's site
(Time that could be better spent making purchases at the RATYHTL store),
and because Blair's site is about as navigable as the Cape of Good Hope
during Hurricane season, I'll give you a brief synopsis of the horror
that I encountered. By the way, this is the only website that I'm aware
of that enables you to invite Jesus into your heat, step-by-step, through the miracle of Macromedia's Flash.


Blair filmed the last episode of "The Facts of Life" in March of 1988 and
was married on July of that same year. Ten months later she was pregnant
with her first child and proceeded to have three children, three years in
a row. Although Blair doesn't mention any problems with substance abuse
(She's been a devout Christian since the age of 10), I'm not sure what else
could explain the motivation behind her naming her kids Tucker, Haven, and
Clancy (who's a girl, by the way).

Blair met her husband, Steve, in a prayer group fifteen years ago. Blair
hints that "There is much more to the story and not enough room to tell it
. If you are really interested, I write all about it in my new book 'The
Facts of Life and Other Lessons My Father Taught Me.'" Since my local
library doesn't carry this book, and since amazon.com wants $10.49 for a
copy, the rest of the story will remain a mystery to me (unless I make a
lucky find at a yard sale). If Blair's husband ever writes a book, he should
call it Dude, I'm banging Blair from Facts of Life! How cool is that?

Speaking of books, as mentioned elsewhere in this piece of crap that I'm
desperately trying to pass off as biting social commentary, Blair is also the
author of Creative Correction which wouldn't normally be worth mentioning
a second time, except that the book's page
on her site includes a link that allows you to share a Creative Correction idea.
While I may not have any ideas for Creative Correction, I have plenty of alter-egos who do.

Dear Blair;

Like you, I have turned to the Bible for instructions on disciplining willful
children - particularly Deuteronomy 21:18 - 21:21 *. Unfortunately, the
fuzzy-headed, liberal thinking that is so prevalent in today's society
(When a parent tells me that they discipline their child by giving them a
"Time Out" I remind them that, someday, their sinful offspring will have
plenty of "time out" - in Hell!) makes it impossible to carry out the
prescribed punishment.

I call upon you and other Christian celebrities to speak out in favor not
only of "Hot Saucing", but also in favor of the punishment described in the
Holy verses mentioned above.

God Bless you, the President, and Darryl Worley,

Ezekiel Mather
Pastor of the Church of the Trembling Flesh
Dallas, TX
pastorctf@yahoo.com


And, yes, I signed up for the monthly e-letter.


* For the benefit of my heathen readers:

"If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not listen to the
voice of his father or his mother, even when they punish him his father and
mother must take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his
town. They shall say to the elders, 'This son of ours is stubborn and
rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.' All the
men of the town must then stone him to death. You must banish this evil from
among you."


Don't miss tomorrow's Paul Kircher Show when The Amazing Randi meets the Confusing Rodney.


Rodney on 08.26.04 @ 06:45 PM EST [link]

Michelle Malkin's Melancholy Mexican Migration Mania.

Honestly, I'm being to wonder why I bother to waste ones and zeroes, the
modern equivalent of ink, on Michelle Malkin. And, apparently, so
are many of you. Since I started my obsession with the fractious Filipino,
the number of hits per day on this website has dropped from 11,000 to 6.
Yet I struggle onward.

Michelle's column
this week is entitled Bipartisan betrayal at the border (or
Insiped Alliteration Incites Imbeciles depending on just how much
acid you dropped before reading it.) and begins with M&M asking " Can we
talk about a war other than Vietnam for a minute?"

She then spends almost an entire paragraph doing so:

Political debate is now focused on whether Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry and his mates were under fire at Cam Ranh Bay and how
close he was to the Cambodian border (not very) three decades ago. But
there are American foot soldiers under siege right now on our own
borders.

Damn, Michelle's only been over at FOX News for a little while, but she's
already learned how to play the game. Go back and re-read the paragraph
above. Don't worry, I won't go on without you.

There, did you see what she did? The column is about the US Border
Patrol, but Michelle used the first paragraph to remind us all that
John Kerry didn't get very close to the Cambodian border (Kerry has claimed that
he spent Christmas in Cambodia [Worst Christmas album EVER!]) during
his stint in Vietnam. I was about to compliment Ms. Malkin on a move so
fiendishly brilliant that it instantly qualifies her to be a Bond villain,
when I suddenly realized what a gigantic tactical error she'd made.

I'm not a huge fan of John Kerry. In fact, I don't see much
difference between him and George W. Bush, and I've made up my mind to
vote for David Cobb in November.
That said, when I see words " how close he was to the Cambodian border"
I can't help but think "Sure, but I'll bet that he was a Hell of a lot
closer to the Cambodian border than George Bush was" and then my mind
instantly jumps to "Jesus, Bush is such a pussy." From there it's
straight to "I bet he fucks sheep."

For the benefit of Ms. Malkin's readers who may've accidentally strayed
over to this page, I've created a helpful visual aid that shows locations
of both Mr. Kerry and Mr. Bush relative to Cambodia during the period in
question:



Since I have no idea where Mr. Cobb was at that time (He hasn't really made
it an issue, preferring to focus on "fringe issues" like wages, energy
independence, and health care), so I'm just going to assume that he was at
the Playboy Mansion - which would still put him closer to Cambodia
than Mr. Bush.



Gentle reader, you have my word that I would never stoop so low as to
employ the "Bait and Switch" tactic of writing that seems so popular with
my reactionary brethren. Let's continue.


The rest of Ms. Malkin's article concerns itself with some statements made
by George P. Bush.

George P. Bush is the son of the son of Florida Governor Jeb Bush and his
Mexican-born wife Columba (Columba????) He's the nephew of the
President and Neil and Marvin Bush.


Neil Bush, as I'm sure you'll all remember, was a director of the Silverado
Banking, Savings & Loan Association the collapse of which, in 1988, cost
taxpayers at least $1.6 billion.

But what you may not know is that on March 31, 1981, the day after John
Hinckley attempted to assassinate President Reagan, Neil had been scheduled
to have dinner with Hinkley's brother, Scott.

But enough about bankruptcy and assassination, can we talk about Asian
hookers for a minute?

The subject of Asian hookers came up during Neil Bush's divorce (along
with, and I shit you not, allegations of Voodoo) back in March of 2003,
when his wife's attorney, Marshall Davis Brown asked Bush whether he'd had
any extramarital affairs. Apparently, at least three or four times during
his business trips to Asia; Bush opened his hotel room door to discover an
accommodating young lady.

Brown: Mr. Bush, you have to admit that it's a pretty remarkable thing for
a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing
there and have sex with her.

Bush: It was very unusual.

Brown: Were they prostitutes?

Bush: I don't -- I don't know.

Brown: Did you pay them?

Bush: No.

PFMYV?

Marvin Bush's company, Securacom, installed the security system in the
World Trade Center and was responsible for security at Dulles International
Airport and United Airlines.

George Bush Sr., by the way, once referred to George P. and his siblings to
President Reagan and his wife Nancy as "the little brown ones."

As for Gorge P., himself, on December 31, 1994, at 4 AM he broke into the
Miami home of a former girlfriend through the woman's bedroom window. The
woman's father, who was understandably upset about this, got into an
argument with Bush, then a Rice University student, who quickly fled the
scene. Bush returned 20 minutes later in his totally bitchin' Ford
Explorer, which he proceeded to drive across the woman's front lawn. Both
the woman and her father declined to press charges.

But Michelle's not mad at George P. for exhibiting the sort of behavior
normally only seen in movies on the Lifetime Network, no she's pissed
because, while campaigning for his uncle in Mexico (I didn't even know it
was state), the browner Bush made a speech condemning the federal policy of
arming U.S. Border Patrol agents with plastic pellet guns and rubber
baby-buggy bumpers.

OK, here we go...

Please, for the love of God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Dionysus, and L. Ron
Hubbard, let this be the last time I feel the need to make the following
point:

The best way to prevent millions of Mexicans from sneaking across our
southern border and dancing the cha-cha on our well manicured American
lawns (teh best lawns EVER!) is not by arming our border guards with
AK-47s, but by giving the Mexicans some good reasons to stay home. Like a
stable government and a sound economy. A policy that the US really should
try pursuing.

NAFTA, for example, put an estimated 1,000,000 Mexican Farmers (or, as they
prefer to be called "Burrito Buddies") out of work. Now, if you were one of
these guys with a family to feed, and you know that there was work on the
other side of the Rio Grande (even if it was shitty work for little pay),
you'd cross the border into America. Hell, you'd probably cross the border
into Cambodia, if there was work there.

Girl Fight Click here to see Michelle get a beat down from Cathy Young at Reason.


ACHTUNG!!! The interview with James "The Amazing" Randi has been moved to Friday. Which means that I'll get to ask him some questions. OK, as you were.


Rodney on 08.25.04 @ 07:36 PM EST [link]

Stop, Or My Mom'll Read A Photo Of Your Ass.

Don't miss tomorrow's (Unless, of course, you're reading this on Wednesday.
In which case, don't miss today's) Paul Kircher Show (3:00 p.m. on 860 AM,
WWDB). During the first half-hour, Paul will interview one of my heroes -
James "The Amazing" Randi.

Paul Kircher: Do you think that Sylvia Browne wants to win the
$1,000,000 prize to
buy ham.

James Randi: And butter!

Paul Kircher: Oh, no. A psychic
fatty eat attack! Ha, it is to laff.

Miguel Roya: It is a mystery.

The second half of the show will be devoted to my return to Fort Mifflin.


Speaking of psychics, everybody has their favorite and mine is Sylvester Stallone's creepy
mom, Jackie..

Jackie Stallone is a pioneer in the field of "Rumpology" (You'll
wanna bookmark that URL and share it with your loved ones), or - in
layman's terms - predicting someone's future by looking at a picture of
their ass. A service to humanity that, former trapeze artist, Ms. Stallone
performs for a mere $125. (Paul, can we expense this? I've got dozens of
pictures of my ass just lying around gathering dust. The pictures, that
is.)

But wait, there's more.

Jackie also owns a pair of psychic miniature Doberman pinschers. Ms.
Stallone clams that the dogs (which she often dresses in tutus) have been
very accurate in predicting Oscar winners (No, I don't know how they do
this, but thanks for asking). In 2,000 the hounds predicted that Chocolat would walk away
with the statue for Best Picture.

The envelope please...

...and the winner was...

Gladiator.

Bad dogs!

Actually, the pooches have had a better record when it comes to politics.
Reportedly, the mutts have prediction the elections of Tony Blair, George
W. Bush, and Gray Davis (whose name Jackie failed to remember during an
interview with MSNBC).

But wait, there's more.


Jackie Stallone vs. The Beltway Sniper

In October 2002, Jackie (one of the "stars" of Beach Babes From Beyond )
told MSNBC's Jeannette Walls that the Beltway Sniper was "a light-haired
person, in his 20s or 30s, from a good family."

Which is pretty close - especially if you discount that John Allen
Muhammad, 41, and his stepson John Lee Malvo, 17 are both black and come
from a pretty troubled family (Although Jackie's definition of a "good
family" may be open to interpretation).

But wait, there's more.

As Christmas presents, Jackie Stallone reportedly gave each of her son,
Sly's, employees a pen and a signed photograph of herself.



Rodney on 08.24.04 @ 05:35 PM EST [link]

Commodify Your Dissent

Giving in to the hundred or so emails I've gotten over the last months on he subject, I've finally broken down and made the Laura Bush bumper sticker featured on the Ronald Reagan in Hell site available in the RATYHTL Store.


Sadly, because I'm using CafePress, I can only offer one type of product at a time (One of these days, I must get around to visiting the prison in China where RATYHTL products are manufactured). This means that I had to choose between the Bush and Kerry bumper stickers.





So, I flipped a coin. It came up Kerry. I flipped it again, and - once more - it came up Kerry. Since, I've received more emails asking for Bush bumper stickers than Kerry bumper stickers, I flipped it yet again - this time it came up Bush. Fair 'nuff. This also means that the "Honk If You Killed Jesus" bumper stickers won't be available until after the election. Unless, of course, Jesus loses the next coin-toss.






Well, I certainly hope that you all enjoyed that infomercial. Which reminds
me - only two weeks left until I join the ranks of the unemployed. Sure,
that means that I won't have money for frivolous items like rent and food,
but, on the bright side, I'll finally be able to list my profession as
"Gentleman Adventurer".

Saturday, by the way, was one of the most productive days of my life. Not only did I design the nifty bumper stickers featured above (except for the Jeebuz one, which was done months ago) and updated the What To Read page, but I also edited together (10 hours - non-stop) the return to Fort Mifflin piece for Paul's show.
I'm more than happy with the way that the piece turned out (A triumph of reason over superstition) It'll air during the second half of Paul's show on Wednesday. The first half of Paul's show will feature an interview with a man who's been a hero of mine for many, many years - James "The Amazing" Randi! DO NOT MISS THIS SHOW!I capped off the evening by breaking into my friend Doc's house and stealing this picture of him with the Stanley Cup outta his sock drawer. Why? Because Jesus is his
coach.. Other photos in the "sock drawer" collection include "Doc with Jimmy Hoffa's body", "Doc holding the rifle that killed JFK", and "Doc mixing Kool-Aid (Jonestown 1978)".


Recommended Reading


The section of the of the James
Randi Educational Foundation website devoted to alleged psychic and confirmed
frump Sylvia
Browne .This would be a hilarious read if it weren't for some of the damage called
by Sylvia's "predictions".


It would seem that, a few years back on that bastion of scientific
thinking, the Montel Williams' show, Sylvia psychically intervened
on behalf of the grandmother of a missing six-year-old named Opal Jo
Jennings from Texas (Where the Hell else would a kid named Opal Jo
be from?).


Perhaps interested in watching another human being ride an emotional roller
coaster, Browne told Opal Jo's grandmother that the little girl was still
alive. And I'm sure that cheered the ol' broad up - for the three seconds
before Browne informed her that Opal Jo been sold into white slavery...in
Japan.


To her credit, Browne helpfully supplied the name of the city in Japan
where she perceived that Opal Jo was being held. Unfortunately, there was
no such city by that name in Japan.


Almost four years later, little Opal Jo's body turned up - not in Japan,
but in Texas. The Cause of Death was determined to be a blow to the head. A
Texas (not Japanese) man has been convicted of her murder.


Hey, Sylvia, nice job of raising and then dashing Opal Jo's family's hopes,
you frickin' ham-beast


Here's
Sylvia's official
homepage / Comedy Gold Mine. Here are just a few of Sylvia's
"Predictions for the next 100 years"

• Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and
  green and lavender lights.
  
• Diagnostic chambers which map the body's electrical balance to predict
  health problems before the come.["electrical balance"
  - wtf?]
  
• Atlantis will begin to show itself by 2023 and be fully visible by 2026
  
• There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek
  Senate structure. [Remember, you heard it here on RATYHTL first!]
  
• Aliens will begin to show themselves in the year 2010, they will not harm
  us, they simply want to see what we are doing to this planet. They will
  teach us how to use anti-gravity devices again, such as they did for the
  pyramids.
  
• [And my personal favorite] Third floor of houses have rollback
  roofs
  to allow Hovercrafts to come and go.
  

The site also clearly points out that "Sylvia does not read
e-mail.". But then again, why would she? After all, she's psychic.


A pretty good beat-down of Sylvia can be read here.


Holy Deck Building Christ! Here is a "Psychic Search" forum. There's an Opal Jo page on the site, however there is no mention of Sylvia
Browne's failed prediction.


Malkin X


Our gal, Michelle
"PFMYV" Malkin, fresh from her recent embarrassing performance on
Hardball (Where she implied that John Kerry shot himself
in Vietnam) will be dropping by Radio Times
on Wednesday August 25th at 10 am to debate law professor Eric
Muller. As always, Radio Times welcomes your calls. The number
is 1-888-477-WHYY (1-888-477-9499)



Separated at Birth?

Michelle Malkin and ...	... a Giant Grouper?

Rodney on 08.23.04 @ 06:28 PM EST [link]