GOD vs. Blair's Cardiovascular Epispasm
Howdy, radical clerics. I know that you were all looking forward to Part V
of the God Saga but I need a few more days to edit down from 10,000 words
to six or seven. Fortunately, our ol' pal (Prays All-night Long) Blair from
the Facts of Life has come through with a lengthy composition that
not only dovetails nicely with our recent deity-theme, but is also so
straight-up bizarre that I'm afraid people will think I penned it myself:
Trust me; I didn't.
Gird your loins; 'cuz here comes some crotch-level Jungian Synchronicity!
My comments, as usual, are in bold text.
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July 2005 E-Letter (For June 2005)
I'm so sorry; I just realized that I didn't send a Monthly E-letter last
month.
Let's count this one as June's and I'll write another one by the end of the
month for July. Does that sound fair?
This just in: It's August. Blair screwed up on her second
sentence. Amazingly, she manages to slide even further downhill as the
E-Letter goes on. I don't want to ruin the fun, so I'll just tell you how
the new Harry Potter book ends: Hermione gets dusted, burns Griff-
endor to the ground, and Ron dies from Toxic Shock Syndrome
I've had a few random personal insights and contemplations the last few
mornings during my devotions and I thought I would bounce them off of you.
I just got that "Uh oh" feeling. Blair asking if she can bounce a few
personal insights and contemplations of you is the literary equivalent of
"Bad touch".
Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward
one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one
mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 15:5-6 NKJV
Back at ya', Blair
I was struck by the words "patience" and "comfort" and wondered why-in-the-
world would the Apostle Paul choose to use those words when talking about
unity? Then I thought about my own kids. When I'm urging them to get
along with each other I'm often comforting one of them who has been wronged
and encouraging that child to endure with patience without retaliation.
Which is another interesting point. Most of the translations read, "Now
may the God of endurance and encouragement…"
It appears to me that Paul had to referee his own share of sibling conf-
licts and he understood that most of the time, to bring peace and unity,
one person may need to simply lay down their right to be right. But that
means they often get hurt - over and over again. At that point, it is
imperative to find your strength in God who will not only give you the
supernatural patience that is necessary to get along with tough people but
will also comfort you when they run over you.
I understand that the world says we should stand up for ourselves and not
let other people run over us, but the Truth is, Jesus actually modeled lay-
ing down His life unto death. When we lay down our rights for the sake of
unity we are truly a reflection of His glory. Thankfully, He knows just
how to comfort us.
OK, whatever. Since the Apostle Paul makes a guest appearance in Part V,
I don't wanna rip him quite yet; so I'll regale you with another Harry
Potter spoiler: That giant who's played by Cracker in the movies gets
rabies and swallows Harry's owl
And I will establish my covenant between me and you and your offspring
after you throughout their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be
God to you and to your offspring after you. Genesis 17:7 ESV
Sure, you do that. As long as it doesn't involve tossing any Jews into
an oven or bulldozing some Palestinian's shitty little house, I'm down
with it like O'Reilly on a falafel.
Having teenagers I was quick to glom ["Thank's for the thesaurus, Mrs.
Garrett, I'll use it every day."] onto a few observations I had re-
garding this verse. The first thing that struck me was the fact that the
parents were responsible for acknowledging the covenant between their
children and God. They circumcised the baby on the 8th day. They didn't
wait for the child to decide whether they wanted to have a covenant rel-
ationship with God - the parents made the decision for them. "You are my
child and you will be set apart for G_d!"
That "G_d" is not a typo on my part: That's the way it appeared in the
E-Letter; honest-to-Hubbard! When you derive a large chunk of your income
from peddling salvation (as well as residual checks from Nick at Nite)you
should, at the very least, be able to spell "Gawd".
Just as in the Old Testament times, it was the parent's responsibility to
circumcise their children, I believe it is our New Testament responsibility
to cut away the flesh from our children's hearts. [Just like the
Aztecs!] Surely, they must make the decision to love and obey God on
their own someday but we can certainly "mark" them from childhood by taking
our God-given responsibility seriously. …and don't ever call me
"Shirley" again.
Trust me, Blair, you kids will someday think of themselves as having
been "marked" from childhood.
How? Well, I know that personally, as I described in my autobiography in
the chapter entitled, "Circumcision of a Shiksa" [WTPFMYV???] when
the Lord dealt with me about circumcising my heart, He needed to cut away
a bunch of fat I had put on by feeding the flesh rather than the Spirit.
So, the question I have to ask myself as a parent is, "Am I feeding my
children's flesh or their Spirit?"
Where do I even start? This may, very possibly, be the single most in-
sane thing I've ever read. Shit Luther, it's not like the society really
needed any further proof that Blair is nuttier than a tree full of squirrel
farts, yet her it is. This makes that entire "hot saucing" episode look
like work of a relatively sane individual by comparison. Run Tootie, run!
Blair has fuckin' lost it.
Just as we are, and should be, careful to feed our children healthy food
[This from the woman who put the brown in brownies], we must be
equally, if not more, careful to feed their spirits healthy food. Every
once in awhile we may need to put them on a diet and cut back a bit on
some of the cartoons, music, television shows, unhealthy friendships,
activities that interfere with church nights, etc.
So it's another long weekend full of hymns and scratchy undergarments
for li'l Haven.
And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your off-
spring, so that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and with
all your soul, that you may live. Deuteronomy 30:6 ESV
Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna pull my epispasm over my heart to make it look
uncircumcised; so there!
I was encouraged to read this verse and see that God says He will
circumcise our hearts and the hearts of our offspring. I am always excited
when God includes phrases like: your offspring, all your descendants, and
your household, etc. I care so deeply that I can hardly enjoy the bless-
ings of God without my family enjoying them, too. (You know how that
feels.) I want to take my responsibility as a parent seriously but it sure
is good to read that ultimately it is God who will circumcise our hearts
so that we are set apart for Him from the inside-out.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that
you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it
is working. James 5:16 ESV
Just when you link it's save to go back in the E-Letter, Blair builds
up a whole 'nother head of steam/crazy…
The other night I was at a meeting with a bunch of other parents and I
embellished the truth/exaggerated a bit/fudged some/ shaded somewhat/lied!
It wasn't an out-and-out, bold-face lie, but it wasn't the whole-truth,
nothing-but-the-truth either. Here's the deal. I wanted to impress these
other parents so I said that I had done something that I really had only
talked about doing, but hadn't done yet, but planned to do in the future
[I'm gonna guess "Donkey Show"]. It just made it sound so much
better to say I had already done it.
"I was so embarrassed that I almost dropped my pointy, white hood."
The next morning the Lord really convicted me. I confessed and repented
and then ever-so-quietly asked Him if he wanted me to call the leader of
the meeting and confess my lie. (I soooo didn't want to do that.) Thank-
fully, the Lord told me that I didn't have to. When I asked Him why, He
led me to the two verses above with an interesting possible interpretation.
How's that for a coincidence? Blair didn't want to do something, and
was able to find a few verses in the bible that confirmed her position.
If you think that Slavery is just peachy; that Homos, witches, and disre-
spectful children should be killed; and that the Earth is flatter than day
old Pabst Blue Ribbon in an open can, the Bible can confirm those ideas too.
I felt like He showed me that because I'm not characterized by lying, that
I could simply confess my sin to Him and he would forgive and cleanse me.
Now, if I had a habit of lying then I would need to confess my sin to an-
other person so they could join with me in prayer - like an accountability
partner. I could instantly see how an occasional sin in a particular area
definitely needs to be confessed immediately so that it gets brought to the
Light where it can't fester and give the devil a foothold. But a habit of
sinning in a particular area needs more than that. It needs the power of
two! [What about the "sin" of masturbation?]
When you sift through that mountain of TEH CRAZY what you're left with
is that Blair doesn't lie all the time, so she doesn't need to con-
fess her sin to a shame-buddy. I'm a habitual liar but I've never killed
anybody. Ergo I don't have to confess if I do.
There is so much in this little verse. For one thing, when we are sinning
then the Bible says that God does not hear our prayers, so having someone
else to pray with you is a good idea. [There are plenty of scenarios
were this could work out to the detriment of all parties involved. For ex-
ample, let's say that Blair is strangling Natalie for being a Christ-
killing Kike bitch. Since Blair is in the act of committing a sin, God
won't hear her pleas for the strength to stop. Natalie begs God to give
Blair more strength but loses consciousness before she can specify that she
meant moral strength. God hears Natalie's prayer and grants Blair
superhuman grasping power. Natalie dies of a crushed windpipe, a remorseful
Blair commits suicide by leaping into a wood-chipper, and an embarrassed
God is forced to appear on Montel. Man, I need a hobby other than writing.]
Also, when we are sinning, we often don't have the faith to pray, so
it is good to have the powerful prayer of a righteous friend. Another
thing, it says that we will be healed, which infers sickness. Addictions
and bondage, which result from ongoing, unconfessed sin often result in
sickness of some kind.
Who died and made this crazy bitch Louis Pasteur? By the way, Blair,
"unconfessed" - not a word.
For me, the criteria I will now use to determine whether I need to confess
my sin to a friend, or simply to God is to honestly ask myself if this sin
is becoming a habit that needs the help and strength of a righteous friend
to pray with me, or if I just blew it and trust that God is faithful to
forgive and cleanse.
So, next time you "blow it", be sure to clean up and ask for forgiveness.
I have certainly known the undeniable power that comes from confessing
sinful habits that I couldn't break on my own, but I sure am thankful this
wasn't one of them. The freedom is worth it, but it is still embarrassing.
Anyway, that's my two-cents worth. I hope I haven't bored you with my ram-
blings.
"Two-cents" is hyphenated? Who know? Maybe Blair needs to put down the
Bible and pick up Eats, Shoots, & Leaves How much would you pay for
an E-letter that slices and dices …your skull? But wait, there's more: The
following came a few days later:
July E-letter
I promised in my last E-letter that I would send another E-letter out by
the end of the month so I could get caught up on my commitment to send out
a "Monthly" E-letter. Okay, so I'm a day late. [Blair is late for her
"monthly woman thing"] Forgive me. I'll try to do better in the fut-
ure. Being a mom means attempting to juggle many balls [Thank you,
Jesus, for helping Blair to help us smile], understanding that you are
going to drop a few of them [Ouch, my epispasm]. Hopefully, you have
understanding and merciful friends. Thanks for being those kinds of
friends to me. Yeah, it's not like I capped on you in the first para-
graph or anything.
I thought I'd use this E-letter to update you on some of the fun things
that have been happening and some exciting developments to look forward to
in the future. We here at MomTime are working an idea we like to call
"Teh Final Solution"
Upcoming Publishing Releases:
"Creative Correction - The Bible Study." This DVD/Member Book Bible study
will be released by LifeWay this September.
"Speaking Mom-ese - Conversations in the Mother Tongue." This inspirational
devotional will be by Integrity Publishers released later this fall.
I see some upcoming Book-of-theMonth selections!
Upcoming Speaking Dates:
August -
12th -13th - Concord, NC
18th - Tifton, GA
19th - 20 - Griffin, GA (E-Woman Event) - Best link EVAR!
22nd - Houston, TX (Sam's Club Opening)
23rd & 24th - Focus On The Family Radio Broadcast WARNING! Link is not brain-friendly
27th - West Monroe, LA (Motherhood Club Event) - they can't all be winners…
September -
3rd - Greenville, SC … like this one.
9-10 - Bristol, VA Another must-click!
17th - Oklahoma City, OK
23-24 - Dallas, TX (MOPS Convention)
30th - 1st - Magnolia, AR
October -
7th - 8th - Mobile, AL
13th - New Parsippany, NJ
21st - 22nd - Orange Beach, FL
Go to the "Calendar" page of my website for specific details.
Upcoming Writing Projects:
I am away this week writing "Mom Burnout" (Tentative Title.) [The first
book in the "Mommy the Murderer" trilogy] I could really use your help
on this one. First and foremost, if you could pray for anointing, product-
ivity, creativity and Truth, I sure would appreciate it. Secondly, this
book is going to be mostly practical ways to take care of the "Me" in
Mommy. [And while you're at it , Blair, you might wanna take care of the
"Me" in crazy, dyslexic bitch.] If you have any helpful tips that you
would like to share with other moms I would be very grateful if you could
reply to this email with your ideas. I'm especially looking for time-
saving, stress-busting ideas in the following areas:
Balancing being a work outside the home or home-based business mom
Finding quick bites of time for yourself or with the Lord
Keeping emotionally healthy
Finding time for hobbies
Keeping your brain exercised (besides crossword puzzles)
Finding time to read
Ideas for serving others, either alone, with friends or with your family
Ways to refresh your Spirit
Help with self-discipline
There will be many, many more chapters but these are the areas where I
really need some more practical ideas and tips to help moms. Thanks so
much for taking the time to think and email your ideas. You will not only
be a blessing to me, but also to thousands of other moms.
C'mon gang, send her some suggestions!
Upcoming Exciting Announcement:
Finally, after over one year in the works, it looks like the new, refresh-
ed website will be up and running this month. I can't wait to give you the
word when you can check it all out. (Hopefully in the "real" August
E-letter.) The new site has all of the old content (but with new colors
and fresher looks) but it also has lots of new content, including a place
for me to upload my (s)crapbook pages and lots more pictures
throughout. The best feature on the new site is the ease of navigation.
I think you're going to love it. Thanks for your patience as we've been
working on this for so long.
Here's an idea, Blair: why not just pray for your mouse to be
divinely guided around the website? Oh wait, that's just plain crazy; isn't
it?
Thanks again for listening. [FYI: we were READING] I'm always
humbled that you would want to hear from me and about my life, especially
the "news and information" stuff. [You'd be even more humbled if you saw
what I do with your "news and information" stuff] But I'm grateful.
Speaking of grateful, don't forget to send me an idea to help other moms.
Better yet, email some of your other mom friends and ask them for some
ideas, as well.
Blessings for July (and August,)
Lisa
Following the French Revolution, Robespierre tried to rename the month
of August as "Thermodore"
Rodney on 08.02.05 @ 07:40 PM EST [link] [No Comments]
