What Would Pantera Do?
Last week two very different, but equally dubious, rumors floated across
my desk. The fist was from a friend of mine who had heard, through which
grapevine I have no idea, that, should Michael Jackson be convicted of
child molestation, he'll either spend very little time (or no time at all)
in jail: and not for the reason you might think.
My friend had heard that, if convicted, The King of Popping young boys'
butt cherries, is prepared to make a deal with State: that deal being a
reduced sentence in exchange for some information about a very, very famous
Director who also enjoys buggering the Teletubby set. You will believe an
allegation can fly.
The problem with this rumor (other than it cruelly drags a man's name
through the mud) is it implies that there's a chance of Michael Jackson
going to jail: and I don't think any of us believe that. If there's one
lesson to be learned from the trials of Robert Blake and OJ, it's that
White celebrities never do any time.
The second rumor which dropped into my lap like a drunken Jeff Gannon was
that George Bush is planning, on his last day in office, to pardon Charles
Grainer and the rest of that wacky, lovable Abu Ghraib Gang.
At first glance, this rumor seems just as implausible as the Jackson one.
After all, it's highly unlikely that Bush, who couldn't be bothered to
plan for a post-war Iraq, is actually capable of thinking three years
Then again, let's imagine (despite what the media has told us) that the
Abu Ghraib Kids weren't just a "few bad apples" who stank up our militaries
otherwise pristine barrel. After all, how would a bunch of semi-literate
hicks know which tortures would be particularly horrendous to Muslims? It's
pretty unlikely that a group of people who were incapable of comprehending
the side of a cereal box would've spent their nights perusing the Koran for
tips. What if this camouflage-covered cast of Hee Haw where acting on the
orders of Higher-ups? And what if these of Higher-ups where, in turn,
acting on orders from very high up: orders which sought to "redefine"
torture. Wouldn't it, then, be in the Administration's best interest to
offer Grainer, the alleged "ring leader", some sort of deal: A few years
in a military prison and culminating in a full pardon in exchange for his
guilty plea and continued silence, for example?
The scenario becomes a tad more plausible when you consider that, a few
weeks ago, Grainer sabotaged the trial of Lindsey England. Perhaps he knew
that, if convicted, England would only do three years, max.
Of course, I'm just thinking out loud and have no proof of any of this. So,
if you're a RATYHTL reader who resides in a predominately Muslim country,
this isn't the sort of thing that you'd want to use as the grounds for your
next riot, OK? The last thing I need is a bunch of morons who execute women
for showing their ankles sighting me as source material.
While we're on the subject of rioting crowds of Muslims, I'd like to say I
was shocked that Newsweek wimped out on the Koran-in-the-toilet story, but
I saw that parade turn the corner on to Sixth Avenue days in advance. I
know they'd cave-in like a wicker chair under Ben Schumin, just like I knew
the story was, in fact, true. Hell, I'd read it months before - in Harper's.
Then again, who hasn't put a copy of the Koran in the toilet? Or
dunked a crucifix in urine? I know I have. Why, just the other day, I was
lining my yellow pussycat's litter box with a copy of the Talmud when I
noticed the story of one Yehoshua ben Pantera, the illegitimate son
of a Greek soldier (Pantera being the Latin form of the Greek word
Pantheras: Panther) serving in the Roman army and a woman named
You know, I think I once read something by Celsus (written around 178 CE)
about a Jewish woman named Miriam becoming pregnant by 'Pantheras,' a
Roman soldier; divorcing her husband, and bearing the child, Yehoshua, in
Of course, the Yehoshua (Joshua) whom Celus and the authors of the Talmud
were writing about was known to the Greeks as Iesous (Ihsouj), to the
Romans as Iesus, and, later, to the English speaking world as Jesus.
WTPFMYV? If there's evidence that Jesus was the bastard offspring of a
Greek spear carrier than why don't more people know about? OK, let's say
that you're a Jew living in Europe sometime between 500 and 1978 CE;
can you think of a reason to expunge any question of Jesus' heritage from
that copy of the Talmud you're working on? Inquisitions? Pogroms? Nazis?
Shit Luther, as far back as 1631, the Jewish Assembly of Elders in Poland
begged their brethren, "We enjoin you under the threat of the great ban to
publish in no new edition of the Mishnah or the Gemara anything that refers
to Jesus of Nazareth... If you will not diligently heed this letter, but
run counter thereto and continue to publish our books in the same manner as
heretofore, you might bring over us and yourselves still greater sufferings
than in previous times."
Well, that explains why so few people have heard the good news about Jesus
Christ's Greek dad. Many who have heard this story, by the way, dismiss it
outright. They claim that the name "Pantera" was a pun on the Greek word
for virgin (parthenos) [It should also be noted that among many first
century Greeks and Romans the word "panther" was often used as a metaphor
for "horny']. Now if they'd just be kind enough to explain why
nowhere in the Gospel of Mark is there any mention of Jesus' father.
Of course, I'm just thinking out loud…again.
Rodney on 06.05.05 @ 03:13 PM EST [link] [No Comments]