Thoughtless for the Day

That way madness lies

While on tour with his band, Glass Eye, bassist Brian Beattie (the only
member of the group not featured in the Slacker) walked into an
Arkansas men's room and made one of the greatest artistic and
anthropological discoveries of the last century. There, on the wall of
one of stalls, Brian came face-to-face with a drawing of what appeared to
be an armless, one-legged dinosaur with both eyes on one side of its head
and possessing both female and male "characteristics." Written alongside
the drawing, in a child-like scrawl, was the phrase "IM Love To be SUCK
All The Time."

Brian would later describe the work as "either the most brilliant or
retarded thing that I've ever seen: I'm still not sure which." Fortunately
for all of us, Brian had the foresight to photograph his discovery.

Before I lurch into the main point of this essay, I'd just like to point ou
t that a drawing like this could've only appeared on a men's room
wall. I'm not sure if that should make me proud or ashamed of my gender.
Walk into almost any men's room and you're bound to encounter a plethora of
drawings depicting the human reproductive organs: most of them incredibly
poorly drawn. My college roommate and friend, "The Fish", once stared at a
drawing of what he had at first assumed to be a Zulu shield for nearly
twenty minutes before he realized that what he was if fact gazing upon was
a crude representation of the female genitalia.

An inaccurately rendered "giggi" is one thing; but how are we, gentle
reader, to explain the numerous poorly depicted penises which dot the walls
of our nation's men's rooms? After all, doesn't the artist have easy access
to a "working model" of his subject? The only way to reverse this trend is
for each of you to stop by your nearest Staples and pick up some
adhesive labels. On to these labels, print the following:

Although considered shocking at the time of its original placement on
this wall in 1942, this penis is now regarded to be an amusing anachronism
and may be viewed in its restored form at the Smithsonian Museum in
Washington, DC.

Keep a few of these labels in your wallet where they will, no doubt, come
in handy.

Getting back to "The Suck Monster" (as the work has become known), the
question before us is not, as with most modern works, "is it art?" but
"what makes it such a masterpiece?" The answer (trust me; I've thought
about this for years) is that The Suck Monster manages to stimulate
something in the most primitive part of our brains: a part of our brains
which could've never been reached through a conscience artistic
effort.

No "trained" artist working in a booth by the Food Court of your local
mall, while being perfectly capable of creating a picture of you, with an
enormous head and a small body, riding a skateboard and licking an ice
cream cone, could've produced The Suck Monster.

If you were able to track down the mad genius behind The Suck Monster and
get permissions from the Warden of the Federal correctional facility where
he is doubtlessly confined for the murders of his family and the judge who
refused to entertain his insanity plea for him to attend art classes; you
would kill the goose that laid the golden doodle. An accurate knowledge of
perspective and anatomy would make it impossible for him to create future
Suck Monsters: As would an aggressive program of psychotherapy.

And it's not just art which is ruined by knowledge, discipline, and a
healthy respect for mental hygiene. The music critic "Legs" McNeil once
said that Punk Rock died when the punks learned to play their instruments.
Many of you have written me to say that this web site stated to suck the
day I learned about a little thing called a "semicolon." Others have taken
exception to this theory; they claim that this web site has always
sucked.

Allow me to pose the following question: Who were the better fighting
force; the Roman Legions or the Germanic barbarians whom they fought? The
answer, from a strictly military perspective, is of course the Roman
Legions. The Roman army was practiced, disciplined, and very, very boring
to watch in combat as they slowly and orderly advance across the
battlefield.

Now, of the Romans or the Germans combatants who were the better "artists"?
That honor, naturally, belongs to the Germans who ran whooping towards the
neat rows of Romans, and fought for personal glory rather than for a
soldier's meager salary.

Chaotic and ineffective? Maybe. But maybe this tactic of not drilling and
marching ones troops, while costing the plucky Germans victories, left the
surviving Rhine-drinkers more time for other more productive (or
reproductive, to be more exact) activities. Keep in mind that it is the
descendent of these crazed Krauts, and not of a Roman Centurion,
who's writing this.

_ . _

Aren't the supporters of the war with Iraq being disrespectful to all of
those Americans, like Ronald Reagan and Donald Rumsfeld who worked so hard
to put Saddam Hussein in power and to keep him in power?

_ . _

_ . _

_ . _

_ . _

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Why using of gold and silver dishes, forks, spoons and knifes is haram?


Answer: According to Islamic Sharia, eating and drinking liquid in
gold and silver dishes is forbidden. It is not so important to know the
reason or know not.

[Gotta love an religious leader who tells you not to worry about the
reasoning behind a rule - Ayatollah Anonymous]

_ . _


_ . _








She was an organ grinding l'il sex monkey in Judo Seduction, In
Search of Wetness, Confessions of Naughty Students and
Lesbian Neighbours

She dressed like an organ-grinder's monkey in Sex in the City

Happy birthday to ...

Lucy Gresty who turns 32 today.

And Sarah Jessica Parker who hits the big 4-oh.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
euqu - straight toward

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
moneo - I warn





Rodney on 03.25.05 @ 01:12 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

Punjab Calling

Hey gang (land-style assassins); what's black and white and redneck
all over?

Here's another clue: It's been over a year since you've seen one, and
it's not the inside of a shower stall.

Final hint: It's funnier than those crappy cartoons in the New Yorker that
only Choate graduates seem to find amusing.

That's right; Life With The Poor is back!

And, as if that weren't enough, you can click here (if it's not posted
yet, don't worry; it soon will be) to listen to Paul and
I debate the Terri Schiavo case, talk to a man who traveled around Borneo,
and ponder the future of America's oil reserves.
_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Is it permissible to talk to a non-Mahram girl with the intention for
seeking consent to marry her in future?



Answer: Due to probably committing sins is not permissible.

[See, Doc, I told you it wasn't permissible - Ayatollah Anonymous]

_ . _


_ . _



_ . _






She played the field in Goin Down On Brown, Sista Act (I haven't
seen it; but it hs to be better than the Whoopi Goldberg version), Anal
Pool Party 2 (I hope that pool has a good filter), and Yo Yo Yo: A Very Black
Christmas Tale!

He played on the field the quarterback for the Iggles

Happy birthday to ...

Champagne who turns 35 today.

And Ron "Jaws" Jaworski who turns 54.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
deuro - here, over here

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
monstramus - we show, point out



Rodney on 03.23.05 @ 06:37 PM EST [link] [4 Comments]

SchiavoMania

As loathe as I am to admit this: once in a great while, I am wrong. Some
of you may remember, a few years back, when I suggested that we all embark
on a mass hunger strike until the J. Giles Band were inducted into the
Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. My reasoning, if I remember correctly, was
that they deserved this honor based on the fact that the video for
Freeze Frame contained actual freeze frames, and that sort of
sincerity is hard to come by these days.

Well, I was wrong then and I was also wrong, a few days ago, I suggested
that the feeding-tube should not be removed from Terry Schiavo. I was
under the impression that Terry's death would be a slow and painful one.
While it could take Terry over a week to expire, the hospice workers caring
for Terry will copiously supply her with painkillers: even if they don't, there's
enough medical evidence to suggest that Terry is a persistent vegetative
sate [insert Florida joke here] and, therefore, incapable of feeling pain.
Leave the tube out and let Terry's body die.

Oh, and fuck the "Cult of Terry Schiavo."

Fuck Senator Dr. Bill "Sweat and tears can give you AIDS" First who not
only lied when he said about Terry that "neurologists who have examined
her insist today that she is not in a persistent vegetative state", but
also lied when he said that he was qualified to evaluate Terry's condition
because he has "been in a situation such as this many, many times." Bill,
nobody like a fibber: especially a piece-of-shit half-assed fibber who's
attempting to use a tragedy for political gains.

Fuck all of those people like Tom Delay who have attempted demonize Terry's
husband, Michael. Yes, we all know that that Michael Schiavo is presently
living with a woman with whom he's fathered two children. What the Liberal
press seems to fail to draw attention to (maybe because they've been too
busy forcing people into Gay marriages conducted by al Qaeda) is that for
the first few years of Terry incapacitation, Michael was so attentive to
her that he became an annoyance to the hospital staff (Thanks to Michael's
intervention Terry was one of the few patients in her condition to be
completely free of bedsores).

It's clear that, one day, Michael Schiavo took a look into terry's eyes
and came to the painful conclusion that his wife was no longer present and
that only her body was left behind (It's the same feeling that anyone who's
ever met Rick Santorum knows well). Michael Schiavo, who has turned down
lucrative offers to step aside as Terry's guardian, has moved on with his
life; let's not fault him for that.

Fuck Terry Schiavo's parents, Mary and Bob Schindler. Yes, that's a
terrible thing to say about two people who love their daughter. You know
what else is terrible? The video that the Schindlers have been circulating
that supposedly shows Terry reacting to various stimuli. We've all seen
that video, too. But what we haven't been shown are the hours of video tape
that the Schindlers had edited out. Hours wherein Terry remains
unresponsive, just as the doctors who've examined her concluded she
would.

Look, I understand that the Schindlers really want to believe that their
daughter can understand them: Hell, I want to believe that my cat has a
genuine affection for me. But the truth is that if I were incapacitated
and couldn't refill Lizzy's food bowl my kitty would rip into my flesh like
a catnip toy before the second hunger pang hit her stomach. Terry's
cerebral cortex has been filling with spinal fluid for 15 years now.
Mr. & Mrs. Schindler, as hard as it is for me to tell you this, Terry
won't be shooting hoops in the driveway ever again. Let her go.

The Schindlers aren't bad people. They are, however being used and
misdirected by some very bad people: The United States Government and the
Catholic Church.

And last, but certainly not least in the shame parade…

Fuck all of those people who keep turning up in news clips praying and
crying outside of Terry's hospice. How many qualified medical doctors have
to explain to these dipshits that Terry Schiavo can neither see, think,
nor feel pain before they pack up their gawdamn freak show an move along
to the next Virgin-Mary-on-the-side-of-a-carwash sighting?



Rodney on 03.22.05 @ 11:48 PM EST [link] [26 Comments]

As I walk this land of broken dreams

Yeah, I know; sometimes it seems like I'm just makin' this shit up, but I
swear by Hubbard and three other Elder Gods that if you surf over to
salon.com and endure a commercial, you'll find a story about IMAX theaters
in the Red States that are refusing to show films which mention Evolution.
One again, it's time to gird your loins:

In most Southern states, theater officials found recent test screenings
of several of these films triggered accusations from viewers that the films
were blasphemous. Carol Murray, marketing director of the Fort Worth Museum
of Science and History in Texas, said audience members who had watched
"Volcanoes" had commented, "I really hate it when the theory of evolution
is presented as fact" or "I don't agree with their presentation of human
existence." As a result, the science museum has decided not to screen the
film. "If it is not going to draw a crowd and it is going to create
controversy, from a marketing point of view, I cannot make a
recommendation," Murray told the New York Times Saturday.

To be honest, I wasn't really all that surprised that a bunch of ignorant,
inbred book-burners would rally together to keep the dreaded specter of
knowledge out of their gated communities and trailer parks. At this point,
there's nothing these idiots could do that would cause me to so much as
raise an eyebrow. If, tomorrow, some school district in Oklahoma were to
announce that they were going to replace History classes with witch burning
and Geometry with swastika painting, I'd most likely yawn and say "Saw that
coming."

If these dumbasses have decided that they want their kids to be stupid,
then more power to 'em. I'm tired of trying to save the education of the
children of the terminally moronic. Screw 'em. If this means that someday
I have to get my gas pumped by a guy who thinks that the Earth is 1,200
years old, I can deal with that. Yes, I know that ignorant idiots tend to
vote for other ignorant idiots, but so do the enlightened idiots. There
are plenty of educated idiots who understand Evolution and will vote for
Hillary Clinton in 2008. I'm screwed no matter what I do, so I might as
well just sit back and try to be amused.

What did surprise me is that there are IMAX theaters in the Red States. It
seems to me that the sort of walking amoebas who consider Evolution to be
"just a theory" would also consider the technology behind the IMAX
experience to be "black magic." If you object to the showing of a movie
that merely mentions evolution, then shouldn't you also object to
the use of a movie camera to "steal people's souls'?

_ . _

Bobby Sort is dead and I'm OK with that. Not as OK as I'd be with Toby
Keith keeling over in the middle of a hog-screwing competition; but I'll
take what I can get. Not that I had anything against Bobby Short; in fact,
I've head several interviews with him and he seems to have been a really
nice guy.

It's just that I despise Cabaret signing and the sort of people who pretend
to enjoy it. It's hard for me to entertain a thought more enraging that the
mental visage of Bobby singing "Drop Me Off in Harlem" to a crowd of Blue
Bloods at the Carlyle Hotel. If I could've had my way, when Bobby finished
the song, his entire audience (including human scarecrow Gloria Vanderbilt)
would've been rounded up at gunpoint; blindfolded; forced into a van; and
dropped off in Harlem.

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Is oral sex by husband or wife allowed?



Answer: It is permissible provided no liquid out swallowed.

_ . _


_ . _



_ . _






She bared it all in Lesbian Swirl Fest 7 and
Two Dicks in One Chick

She bares her soul in her wonderfully bad blog

Happy birthday to ...

Foxy Lady who turns 24 today.

And Rosie O'Donnell who turns 43.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
periepw - treat

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
servare - to save, preserve





Rodney on 03.21.05 @ 03:52 PM EST [link]

Either / Or

If you own two or more Dead Milkmen CD's, the odds are pretty good that
you've never read Soren Kierkegaard's Either / Or. Don't worry;
you haven't missed out on much. Basically, Kierkegaard's premise is that
you can either lead a wretched life of devout piety and go to
Heaven, which is a rather dull place; or you can lead a life of wanton
excess and go directly to Hell. Down either path lies misery of one sort
of another. Needless to say, Kierkegaard died a virgin: A miserable virgin.

What never seems to have occurred to ol' Soren is that it might be
possible to lead the most chaste of existences and still spend an eternity
in a lake o' fire. Or, for that matter, one might arrive at the Pearly
Gates to discover not Saint Peter but Anton LeVey. The truth is that we
just don't know: and neither did Kierkegaard.

This Either / Or approach to reasoning has plagued Americans, both on the
Left and Right, for quite some time. Either you're for the war with
Iraq, or you don't support the troops. Either you're in favor
of reparations for Slavery, or you're a racist bastard. Haven't
these people ever heard of AND? It's a funny little logical function
that allows two things to be true at once. For example: The accuser's
mother is a con artist and Michael Jackson is a pedophile.

See how useful AND can be? It really steps up to the plate when
discussing Terry Schiavo.

Does Terry have a right to die? Yes. Should Terry have her feeding-tube
removed? No. Do I have any idea of what the Hell I'm talking about? Maybe.
Let's start with the basics.

Terry Schiavo did not leave any sort of "Living Will" that might indicate
rather or not she would want to be disconnected from life-support were she
to be severely incapacitated (Let this be a lesson to all of you - stop
reading this and don't come back until you've gotten that Living Will
together). 19 judges in 6 courts have decided that the right to decide
rather or not Terry's tube gets removed lies with her husband, Michael.
And that's good enough for me.

By the way, one of the goals of the Terry Schiavo Foundation is to "cause
a change in the guardian laws that bring about a situation like Terri's.
Current guardian laws can allow a spouse to have complete control over a
loved-one's life and death and can clear the path for euthanasia of that
loved-one, against the immediate family's objections." A caring family
and a bad idea. Imagine that your spouse had repeatedly told you
(but was too lazy you make out a Living Will) that he or she did not want
to be kept alive by artificial means. One day your spouse is in a horrible
accident involving a carload of midgets and a cement mixer and rendered
brain dead. Before you can fulfill your husband or wife's wishes, in comes
crazy Aunt Gertrude with a court order in one hand and rosary beads in the
other.

As far as I'm concerned, Michael Schiavo has the right to have his wife's
feeding-tube disconnected.

And that would be the wrong thing to do…

Laying aside the question of rather or not Terry is in a "persistent
vegetative state" or not (Terry's parents have produced a video of her
which appears to show her making eye contact. However, this "eye contact"
takes place in only a few seconds of the nearly 4 and a half hours of video
taken by Terry parents. This still hasn't stopped the video from reaching
the Number 5 spot on MTV's TRL Live), there is still the issue of
how Terry will die. With the feeding tube removed, it could take
Terry over a week to die from a combination of starvation and dehydration.

Shit Luther, we've all looked at pictures of Terry Schiavo and said "If
that ever happens to me, pull the plug." The problem is that there is no
plug to pull. No switch to flick that will instantly and painlessly
extinguish Terry's life. Remember; when we were 17 we all said "I hope I
die before I turn 30."

Now, as for all of those people whom you've seen on the news praying
outsideof Terry's hospice: They're decent, caring human beings and
a bunch of assholes.

Look. I agree with these jokers that Terry Schiavo's feeding-tube should
not be removed. But what I want to know is where these people and their
candlelight vigils were when the Iraqi war was declared? Yes, one woman
slowly starving to death in Florida is, indeed, a tragedy. But so are
100,000 dead Iraqis (make that 99,998 - I'm not shedding any tears over
Uday and Husay). And I can't help but wonder hat these people's position
would be if the only thing that could save Terry was the product of
stem-cell research. How compassionate would they be then?

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

In relation to the money and gifts, which are given to a child who is
not baligh:

A: do the money and gifts belong to the parents or to the child itself?

B: if they belong to the child, can the parents spend the money for
themselves?

C: if they can spend the money for themselves, do they have to replace it
and give it to the child once he or she becomes baligh?

D: can they spend the money for the child’s benefit?

E: if they can spend the money the child’s benefit, do they have to replace
it and give it to the child once he or she becomes baligh?

F: do the parents have to pay khums on money given as gifts to their
non-baligh children?


Answer: A: It is the child’s own property.

B: - Mother cannot but father can. Father can use the money or take it as
loan and then return it to his son.

C: Explained above.

D: Father can.

E: In this case, it is not necessary to replace it.

F: If it remains unused for a year, the father should pay off its khums.




_ . _






She made whooping sounds in Gang Bangs 5: When Will I Be Loved?,
Butt Plumbers, Francesca Has a Negro Problem,
and Pull My Hair and Call Me Stupid

He made the same whooping sounds in Altered States

Happy birthday to ...

Ashley Moore who turns 23 today.

And William Hurt who turns 55.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
eunh - bed; marriage; sex

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
orare - to pray





Rodney on 03.20.05 @ 06:33 PM EST [link]