Thoughtless for the Day

Can I call you "Tip Toenail"?

We'll get to wrapping up The Most Annoying Women in America Week in a
little bit. First, I'd like to talk to you about what I saw on TV at
3:00am this morning.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, I, mostly, just roll over and
go back to sleep. Every now-and-then, I awake with the knowledge that
I'm going to be up for a while; so, I look for something to watch on TV.
Must bloggers would lie to you about this. They'd either say that they'd
open up their Bibles or their copies of A People's History of the
United States. Trust me; everybody, even the Amish, turns on
the TV when they awake in the pre-dawn hours.

The hours between 2 and 5 am EST are, by far, the best for watching TV.
First of all, you seldom have to deal with a breaking news story
interrupting the program you're watching. Seriously, most news happens
between 7 am and 10:30 pm EST. This because that's when it's most
convenient for news to happen - since most Americans are awake - and,
therefore, watching TV - during this time. Without being conscience of it,
the people of the world have begun to adjust their news making activates
to fit this timeframe. That's why terrorists blow shit up at 1 am FTT
(Fucktarded Terrorist Time): they know, subconsciously, that it's 8 am
in New York. Famous people have even begun to die according to when they'll
get the best news coverage. When the Pope dies, he will do so at 8:30 am
EST: thus providing Howard Stern with something to talk about for three
hours.

Ubi eram? Ita vero, parked in front of the TV at 3 am.

Hmmm…Discovery Health Channel: The World's Biggest Face-Eating
Tumor…no. The Learning Channel: While You Were Out, We Pissed On
Your Sofa…no. The Biography Channel: Rampage Killers - JACKPOT!
Actually, it was a bonus jackpot because one of the featured rampage
killers was Kip Kinkel.

Now, the name Kip Kinkel has always brought a smile to Vienna's face. No,
not because he killed four people and wounded twenty-two, but because his
name reminds her of an old SCTV skit wherein Brooke Shields (portrayed by
Catherine O'Hara in one of the most evil/funny hatchet jobs ever to grace
the small screen) asks Tip O'Neil (played by the late John Candy) if she
can call him "Tip Toenail." Rent the DVD; you'll piss yourself laughing
when Brooke/ Catherine launches into Whip it.

Sadly, Kip Kinkel's real story is nothing to laugh about. Kip's parents
and his school ignored his psychological problems (Kip was once reprimanded
for standing up in class and shouting "Goddamn these voices in my head").
Despite obvious signs of instability (Kip once gave a talk on "how to make
a bomb" in speech class which included visual aids - drawings of explosives
attached to a clock), Kip's dad, Bill, didn't hesitate when purchasing Kip
a Ruger .22 semiautomatic rifle. Kip would later kill both of his parents
and shoot up his High School. Despite having a history of "hearing voices",
Kip was given a sentence of 111 years without a chance for parole.

In the middle of the Kip Kinkel segment, I witnessed what had to be the
most disturbing ad that I've ever seen (and I'm one of the "lucky" few who
got to catch the Santo Gold commercial back in the 80's). The ad beings
with an average guy sitting on his recliner and channel surfing. Suddenly
he becomes flummoxed and begins to repeated press his remote. He calls his
young daughter into the room; "Why can't I get Channel 99?" he asks the
child. "Because," the wee tyke replies, "Mom has blocked that channel."

"Oh," the chair-bound halfwit says, "How do I unblock it?"

"You'll have to get the password from Mom."

"Honey," the poor slob hollers, "Can I have the password to unlock
Channel 99?"

"No," his wife shouts from off camera.

OK; stop right there!

At this point, Channel 99 = X, the unknown. Let's assign it the value that
the people who created this hunk of propaganda think that we've already
assigned it in our heads: "The Naked Cheerleader Network". Now let's replay
the scenario:

Rewind.

The guy calls his adorable nine-year-old daughter into the room and asks,
"Why can't I get The Naked Cheerleader Network"? I really need to stroke my
iguana, if you catch my drift?

"Mom blocked that channel after she discovered you hiding in my closet."

"How do I unblock it? If my balls get any bluer, I'm gonna hump the remote."

"You'll have to get the password from Mom; but that's unlikely since you
seem to be the sort of rat bastard who watches porn with his daughter in
the room. Face it Daddy; you are one sick fuck."

"Honey, can I have the password to unlock The Naked Cheerleader Network,
you frigid bitch?"

"Hold on; I'm on the phone with Child Protective Services."

That's way too disturbing; so let's change the value of X to something
innocuous like PBS.


Rewind.

"Why can't I get PBS? Nova is one in two minutes for the love of
fuck."

"Mom blocked that channel because Bill O'Reilly says it causes sin."

"The fuck you say. How do I unblock it?"

"You'll have to get the password from Mom. Please don't, Daddy. Mr.
O'Reilly says that every time you watch Public Television the baby Jesus
cries."

OK. No matter how you slice it; the truly disturbing thing about
this ad, brought to us by the good folks at controlyourtv.org, is that
one adult (Mom) is telling another adult (Dad) what he can watch on
TV. Imagine an ad in which I husband blocks out The Lifetime Network
and refuses to give his wife the password. How many times do you think that
ad would air before someone got burned in effigy?

What we really have here is a case of the chickens coming home to roost -
and discovering that they can't watch The Spice Network. In other words,
for years NASCAR dads made a big stink about bringing morality back to
American society (for years before that, they simply made a big stink).
They voted for reactionary shits who promised to rid the airwaves of filth.

Well, now they're starting to get what they asked for; and they're not
happy. Their wives, spurred on by the Department of Anti-Sex, have blocked
Spike TV. The new head of the Federal Communications Commission, Kevin
Martin, is a favorite of Right Wing Christian groups who are hoping that
he'll extend his department's powers of censorship into the realm of cable
TV. Some night in the near future, Joe Six-Pack will turn on Cinemax hoping
to catch Topless Detectives IV and find a Little House on the
Prairie marathon.

You get what you ask for. Choke on it, you Promise Keeping fuckwads.

_ . _

Last week, I came across an Op-Ed piece in the Philly Inquirer that
lambasted bloggers. The author claimed that bloggers, thanks to their lack
of formal training, were hurting journalism. Personally, I think that
bloggers are analogous to volunteer firemen in a town where the regular
fire department has the nesting tendencies of ignoring other fires.
Translation: there would be no need for bloggers if the mainstream press
would just do there fucking job.

When I turn on the local news, I shouldn't be subjected to pieces that were
produced by the government. Shit Luther, for decades many members of
they mainstream press know that Strom Thurmond had an illegitimate, Black
daughter and ignored the story.

By the way, Strom Thurmond's illegitimate, Black daughter is one of The
Most Annoying Women in America.

Since going public following the death of her asshole father, Essie
Washington has been in the strange habit of defending the man raped (or, as
Essie likes to put it, "loved") her mother. Odder still is her defence of
Senator Shitbag's history of racist statements such as "Our niggers is
better off than most anybody's niggers, why, they got washing machines and
some of'um even got televisions. I can't understand why they complaining."
Ms. Washington contends that her father was not a racist. It's just
that the people whom he represented were; so he felt bound by duty to make
racist remarks.

Elsie Washington is a cooze who, by not coming forward sooner to expose her
father's hypocrisy, only helped to prolong the suffering of Blacks in
America. Hey, that not my opinion; but, since I feel bound by duty to
represent the opinions of my readership, it'll have to stand.

My wrap up of The Most Annoying Women in America Week wouldn't be complete
without a mad shout out to Concerned Women for America. CWfA are a
perfect example of what happens when you give things to Babbitts.

Give a Babbitt a computer and an HTML class and he'll use them create a
web site claiming that the Jews and Venusians worked together to blow up
the World Trade Center. Give a Babbitt a Physics textbook and two weeks
later he'll claim to have "scientific" proof of the existence of Noah's
Ark. If life hands a Babbitt lemons, he won't make lemonade - or even
Ajax with Lemon - he'll try to use the lemons as evidence that
Saddam had ties with al Qaeda.

Give some female Babbitts the vote and a greater voice in society and
they'll use that power to put people in office who promote the "Barefoot
and Pregnant" version of womanhood.

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Which part of strange man’s body is it allowed for a woman to look at? Is
it allowed to look at his breast? On the tv in the western countries its
very oft, that the men show their bodies till the belly ?

Answer:Looking of a woman at a stranger’s (ajnabi) body is forbidden, if
it is with lust and fear of falling in sin. It is not even permissible to
look without that (lust and fear) also as a measure of obligatory
precaution except for the parts of body which normally a man does not
cover i.e. head, hand and ankles which a woman can look at if it is without
lust and without fear of falling in sin..


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She wowed America in Bunny Luv... AKA Filthy Whore and
Blowjob Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 20

She, as far as I'm concerned, is Miss America For Life

Happy birthday to ...

Dayton Rains who turns 28 today.

And Vanessa Williams who turns 42.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
ertw - creep, crawl

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
laudatis - you (plural) praise




Rodney on 03.18.05 @ 03:37 PM EST [link] [No Comments]

Unfunny at any speed: Whoopi Goldberg

The Most Annoying Women in America Week continues…

At the risk of being perceived as both a racist and a sexist, I'd just
like to say: Whoopi Goldberg is the Black Hole of Comedy.

By that, I mean that any piece of humor, no matter how genuinely hilarious,
which gets sucked into her gravitational pull, is immediately stripped of
all comedic potential and rendered unfunny for eternity. Think of her as
the anti-Rodney Dangerfield. In fact, don't even bother to think; I'll
prove it to you with SCIENCE! Here is a picture that's brimming with comic
possibilities. Now, notice how the picture suddenly becomes bereft of all
humor once the element of Whoopi Goldberg (Scientific name: Standupus
Unfunnious) is introduced. Even if the phrase "Sleestak attack" were to
be somehow incorporated, the piece still fails to regain its full comic
equilibrium. If you repeat the experiment with another, randomly generated,
comedian; you'll find that the results are strikingly dissimilar.

Some people (easily distinguished by their pinwheel hats and adult diapers)
have, in the past, defended Whoopi's complete lack of "teh funny" by
insisting that she is not a comedian (agreed) but a "performer". While it's
an interesting argument; it really doesn't help Whoopi's case much; because
it forces us to focus on Ms. Goldberg's "performances" in the following
"films": Jumpin' Jack Flash, Burglar, Fatal Beauty,
Clara's Heart, Homer & Eddie, Soapdish, Made in
America, Sister Act (1 & 2), Eddie (Sans Homer), How
to Clean Out Your Septic Tank Using Only a Drinking-Straw, Rat
Race, and Racing Stripes.

The late, great Ed Wood's cinematic resume contained fewer turkeys. Not
only, based on the role call of terrible movies above, should this woman
never have been given the privilege of hosting the Oscars; she should've
never been allowed to get with 1,000 feet of the auditorium. That short
of shitty acting is contagious; and we, as a nation, must protect Salma
Hayek!

Here's another simple scientific experiment in which you, gentle reader,
can create a "performance" that is guaranteed to be funnier and "edgier"
than anything Whoopi has ever produced:

Materials needed:
One (1) pen or pencil
One (1) piece of paper
One (1) telephone book (local)
One (1) roll of quarters

Using the pen or pencil, copy the names and address of several complete
strangers from the telephone book unto the piece of paper. Proceed to the
nearest pay phone (in the days before "Caller ID" this step could be done
from your home phone), insert a quarter, and call the first person on the
list.

Should that person answer, ask if they are, in fact, Mr., Mrs., or Ms.
So-and-so of such-and-such address. Regardless of their answer, ask them if
you can take a moment of their time to tell them how great Ajax with
Lemon is. The odds are pretty good that they'll inform you that they
don't have the time to speak with you. At this point, start explaining - as
emphatically as humanly possible - that you are not an employee of
the Ajax Corporation: That you are, simply, a regular Joe/Jill feels the
need to call people and spread the good news about Ajax with Lemon.
Inform the person on the other end of the line that you recently quit your
job in order to free up the time needed to spread the news about Ajax
with Lemon. Be sure to mention that this sudden shift in "career" has
caused your spouse to leave you and Child Protective Services have been
by three time this month, but you don't care because you're not going to
stop until you can convince 100 people to try Ajax with Lemon - so
far, only 3 have agreed.

Scream if you must, but do not resort to threats or obscenities:
that's illeagal.

To be honest, I'd almost forgotten about Whoopi; until last week when The
Queen of Un-Comedy made a brief appearance on HBO's Real Time with Bill
Maher. Why did Bill feel the need to suddenly seek out the "folksy
wisdom" of Whoopi Goldberg? I'm sure that it had nothing to do with
Whoopi's upcoming HBO Special (some sort of creepy 20th anniversary
"celebration" of Whoopi's first HBO Special).

Anyhoo, Whoopi launched into a rabid defense corporal punishment -
insisting that children, particularly black children, greatly
benefit from good, hard beatings throughout their formative years. Imagine
if David Duke said that (and he probably has). I really get pissed of when
people start blathering about what a good idea it is to beat their kids;
but I go completely apeshit when someone tries to turn an outmode form of
child rearing into a cultural issue.

No, I don't have any children (now that a certain lawsuit has been
settled); thank you. So what gives me the right to have an opinion about
how children should be raised? Two things, really. First, I'm not a
complete and total fuckup. I'm smart enough to know not to reproduce under
my current economic situation and given my total distain for anyone under
the age of 30. Whoopi, who, incidentally, became a grandmother before
she reached the age of 40, seems to feel completely at ease telling
you how to raise your kids.

Secondly, I didn't star in or, for that matter, even see Burglar

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

Is taking pictures of a dead body allowed, Haram or Makruh?

Answer:There is no problem.

[Woo hoo! Let the corpse photography begin! - Ayatollah Anonymous]

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She was simply smashing in Hunchback of Nasty Dames and
Corn Hole Patrol

He was the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins

Happy birthday to ...

Roxanne Hall who turns 29 today.

And Billy Corgan who turns 38.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
pteron - wing

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
volitamus - we fly


Oh Hell; why not...









Rodney on 03.17.05 @ 12:15 PM EST [link] [10 Comments]

Lamott, you big dummy

The Most Annoying Women in America Week continues.

Back in the late 80's, a friend of mine's younger brother, Tim, was denied
admission into the US Air Force when a recruiter discovered that Tim had
once been arrested for slapping his mother. Undaunted, Tim walked
half-a-black down the street to the Navy's recruiting office. "Hello,"
said Tim, as he shook the Navy recruiter's hand, "I was just turned down
by the Air Force because I slapped my mother."

"No problem," said the recruiter, "you've gotta slap your mother at
least once to get into the Navy."

Someday, Anne Lamott's son, Sam, will join the Navy.

Many of you are unfamiliar with Anne Lamott's writings. Many of you have
never been kicked in the balls. I've experience both; so please believe
me when I tell you that a good shot to the jimmies, no matter how
debilitating painful, is preferable to pouring over Anne's musings. That's
why I've been reluctant to write about Ms. Lamott. In order to familiarize
you with the horrible prose that leaps from Anne Lamott's keyboard, I was
forced to re-visit many of her past columns and trudge my way through the
literary swamp of exerts from her books. Remember, gentle reader, I did it
for you.

Let's start with the basics: Anne Lamott is a smelly, old hippy chick who
churns out touchy-feely books about spiritually for smelly, old hippies,
and barfs up occasional columns for …wait for it…salon.com

As RATYHTL documents on regular basis, salon.com has committed many
unpardonable sins over the last few years. Of course there was the
Nader-bashing, but there were also the poorly researched critical pieces
(One, about the influences behind George Lucas' Star Wars crapfest,
failed to mention that Star Wars was a remake of The Hidden
Fortress. Another, alleging Racism in the works of H.P. Lovecraft,
failed to mention the writer's marriage to a Jewish woman), and unabashed
love letters to John Kerry masquerading as journalism.

Here's an exert form one of Anne's salon.com pieces in which she recounts
meeting Ted Kennedy for the first time. Please keep in mind that she's
getting paid to produce this shit:

It's a great time to be alive. I was back in the saddle. And I did the
only thing I could think of: I threw myself at Teddy Kennedy. He was seated
a few people away, and I walked over, my mind spinning with opening lines,
and without meaning to, I ended up kneeling before him, as if I was about
to propose. This surprised him, for a moment. I took his hand, like a
supplicant in "The Godfather," and said, "My family has loved your family
for 45 years, and I want to thank you for how you have spent your life."



Yes, Senator Kennedy, thank you for how you have spent your life - a tragic
drunk who lacks the spine to stand up for his convictions. Sweet Jesus on
an open-faced bun, after reading this piece I was haunted by the mental
image of Ted Kennedy staggering back to his limo and screaming at the
Secret Service agents assigned to keep him and Sirhan Sirhan's younger
brother from bumping into each other, "How many times have I told you to
keep smelly, old hippy chicks away from me? Did you get a whiff of that
tree-hugging scarecrow?"

Like many smelly, old, Kennedy-worshipping hippy chicks, Anne found God a
few years back and has been writing about Him, apparently without His
permission, ever since. Another being who Anne writes, unceasingly, about
without their expressed consent is her son, Sam. Anne has, economically,
combined writing about them both in her latest waste of paper
Plan B. Yes, there's an exert ahead and, yes, it's going to hurt:

Pammy said something that I have clung to like the last heel of bread,
"Sam has a deep core of sweetness within him." She was right. He's deeply
compassionate, and fair, but he also loves knives, and air-soft guns, and
paintball guns, and Ninja blades, and violence. Maybe it was inconsistent
for us to watch "Touched by an Angel" together, right before we watched
"South Park." Maybe it confused him that we go to church on Sundays, and
then we watch "The Sopranos."

Or maybe Sam, despite Anne's best efforts to emasculate him, is a
male? Touched by a Goddamn Angel , fer fucksake? No wonder
the kid is into guns and knives. Just imagine the psychological damage
that could be caused to a child by being forced to watch Touched by an
Angel with an ex-gluehead turned Jeebus Phreak. Shit Luther, this
crazy, old bitch is lucky that Sam hasn't started collecting body parts.


_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

While taking bath, it’s said that one should not keep head under shower
for more than one minute, is it true?

Answer:It’s not in order.

[I would say that anything under one minute doesn't really constitute a
shower - Ayatollah Anonymous]

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She made a name for herself in Big Tit Teasers 5: European Natural
Titties and Pirate Fetish Machine: The Sexterminators

He is known by only his first name

Happy birthday to ...

Orsi Shine who turns 23 today.

And Fabio who turns 46.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
exinoj - hedgehog

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
equitant - they ride




Rodney on 03.15.05 @ 01:18 PM EST [link] [9 Comments]

It Takes a Village to Raise a Village Idiot.

Since last week was The International Week of the Woman, I've decided
that I'll devote this week to the The Most Annoying Women in America

For as often as I rank full stop on Michelle Malkin (practically on a daily
basis), you might think that I consider her to be The Most Annoying Woman
in America. Actually, I consider Malkin to be The Second Most
Annoying Woman in America. Being "number two" (in every sense of the term)
seems to make the pungent Pacific Islander go the extra mile to get on my
nerves: and that's why I write about her so often. To be honest, if M&M
slacked off on her commitment to be a complete asshole for a day or two,
she'd dropped to the number three spot on my list of The Most Annoying
Women in America and Anne Lamott would find herself promoted to runner-up
status.

Try as she might, Malkintent will most likely never hold the title of The
Most Annoying Woman in America. That moniker belongs to a woman who can
grate on my nerves by just going about her daily business: Senator Hillary
Rodham Clinton.

Over the years, I've become convinced that Hillary starts each day by
asking, "what can I do to piss Rodney Anonymous off today?" Case-in-point:
a few days ago I opened the paper and learned that Hillary is worried about
sex and violence in entertainment and thinks that something should
be done. That something is a proposed $90 million study of media's effect
on children. "It is a little frustrating when we have this data that
demonstrates there is a clear public health connection between exposure to
[fictional] violence and increased aggression that we have been as a
society unable to come up with any adequate public health response,"
Clinton said (out her ass).

There are three things wrong with Senator Clinton's campaign against all
things naughty. Can you guess what they are? The first is, of course that
it's a blatantly transparent attempted to appeal to mouth-breathing,
Jeebuz-fearing, book-burning middle-Americans. Has Hillary been smoking
weed laced with embalming fluid? Doesn't she know that there is
nothing that she can do, including being photographed receiving an
official endorsement from God, to make Iowa corn farmers like her? Despite
never have done a single liberal thing in her public life (other
than naming her daughter after the hotel where Sid Vicious killed Nancy
Spungent and a weak attempt at pushing for National Health Care), the
average Midwestern dirt-scratcher considers Hillary to be somewhere to the
left of Che Guevara - and they always will.

The second thing wrong with Hillary's plan to purify the airwaves is that
the data she referred to - the data that clearly demonstrates "public
health connection between exposure to [fictional] violence and increased
aggression" - is incredibly flawed. Shit Luther, even if there was concrete
evidence of a link between violent entertainment and real life violence,
quid ergo? What are you going to do about it? Pass a law forbidding people
from seeing the kind of movies that they want to see? Make teenagers turn
in their copies of Halo 2 for Ecco the Dolphin?

Violence in the Media was the topic on Friday's Radio Times.
Predictably, some wimpweed called in to cry about the fact that "there are
no movies out there in which conflict is resolved through discussion
instead of violence." OK, Louie B. Majorasshole, why don't you and your
organic pals pull your lifesavings together and finance a movie in which
Vin Diesel tracks down the punks who killed his family and, one-by-one,
talks them into turning themselves in the cops. Then see if anybody
pays $6.50 to sit through it. And while your at it, tell your girlfriend
to shave her legs and armpits.

Look, I realize that, in a couple of months,100,000 times as many people
will line up to see Jamie Foxx in "that talking lama movie than will ever
view The Saddest Music in the World. The vast majority of people are
morons. I've known that for about thirty-five years now. But you don't see
me trying to pass laws banning plotlines that would insult the intelligence
of a baboon with ADD.

The third thing is that, unlike Malkin who is so delusional that she
actually believes the bullshit that falls out her own mouth, Hillary
must know that this war against fun is the biggest load of horseshit to
grace her ears since Bill, standing beside her at the alter, said,
"forsaking all others."

Somewhere, perhaps deep-down inside, Hillary must be aware that ridding the
planet of all violent entertainment would not just involve canceling The
Sopranos, but also banning community theater productions of
MacBeth (OK, maybe I could get behind that) and setting the Bayeux
Tapestry ablaze. Nothing can convince me that, at least on some level,
Hillary isn't aware that eight hours of compulsory, daily, Grand Theft Auto
playing wouldn't have damaged Chelsea one-tenth as much as discovering her
father had inserted a cigar into the cavernous vagina of a fat intern.

Perhaps the thing that a find most annoying about Senator Hillary Rodham
Clinton is the feeling that I would truly like the real Hillary
Clinton. You know, the Hillary Clinton who's in favor of abortion, Gay
marriage, and funding works of art that depict Jesus Christ in a ménage a
tois with Anne Frank and Louis Gossett, Jr.

In her clumsily ghost-written book, Paula Jones quoted Bill Clinton as
saying of his wife, "She's eaten more pussy than I have." That's the real
Hillary Clinton - The Hillary Clinto who could have my vote.

_ . _

Real questions and answers
from the Ayatollah's official website

Today's Question

My wife wants me to masturbate in front of her, is it then allowed?

Answer:You are not allowed to do it with hand, but your wife is.

[I'm unclear on exactly what the Ayatollah means by that - Rodney]

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She played it cool in Warning! I Fuck On the First Date and
Big Bottom Sadie

He starred in The Cooler

Happy birthday to ...

Becka Bratt who turns 24 today.

And William H. Macy who turns 55.




The ancient Greek word of the day is:
misoj - hatred

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
damno - I condemn





Rodney on 03.13.05 @ 02:30 PM EST [link]