Thoughtless for the Day

I take requests

As requested, a scene from the film Pulp Fiction as presented by
the Bayeux Tapestry Players.
Rodney on 02.10.05 @ 11:46 AM EST [link] [No Comments]

Born on the Bayeux

Until recently I was puzzled by the popularity of this web site. I'm not
sure who may be "The Father of the Blog", but I'm damn certain that I can
claim the crown of "Absentee-Father of the Blog." In other words, I
haven't always paid as much attention to this site as I probably should
have. Take The Book of the Month for example: It's usually about
20 days into the month before I get around to posting it. For all I know,
the Forum has turned into Neo Nazi recruiting center. Oh, and I haven't
added a new link in nearly 15 years. Given all that, is my wonderment at
why anyone would regularly visit this site really such a surprise?

And then it hit me. The reason that so many people read this piece of
crap is because they want to survive the coming Dark Ages. OK, I can sense
some of you shaking your heads; allow me to explain.

Starting in the earlier eighties, and spurred on by a series of
Reactionary leaders (name one Liberal policy put forward by the
Clinton administration - I fuckin' dare you!), this country been in a
steady decline. The illiteracy rate is shockingly high, ignorance of
science is rampant, and a plague has swept the land since…since about the
time that America began to decline … hmmmm… If that's not the set up for
a Dark Age, I'm hard pressed to think what else would be.

Now, your mouth might argue with me about this theory, but your brain -
along with the brains of your fellow Americans - has already switched
into survival mode. Many Americans are welcoming the new Era of Ignorance
with open arms. They've even brought back the Inquisition in the form of
banning Gay marriage.

A minority - and this would include you, gentle reader - are preparing for
the coronation of Jeb Bush by gathering together what scraps of Latin,
ancient Greek, and books that are worth saving, and planning to ride this
thing out even if it takes a generation or two.

Now that we know why we're all here, let's talk about tapestries.


Yesterday, Vienna and I had a friend over our house who doesn't own a DVD
player or a computer. I guess that I should add that this person is neither
old nor Amish. Anyhoo, I got to thinking that, with the coming Dark Ages,
our friend was about to be joined my millions of other Americans who will
posses no means of electronic entertainment. I began to wonder if there
might be some way to make a buck or two (or a chicken or a cow seeing how
we're only about five years away from returning to the barter system) off
of this situation. For some of us, it's not enough to simply survive the
coming Dark Ages; we'd like to make a profit. A healthy profit.

OK, let's say it's 1326 and you're looking for some entertainment. You
could wait 700 years for "talkies" to be invented. Not that patient? Well,
you could take in a play - if all of the "theatrical types" haven't
contracted the plague. Hell, even if you can find a living/breathing actor
(or a waiter), there's a good chance that plays have been banned in your
town. They were banned, here in Philly for nearly 100 years - and that was
during the Age of Enlightenment, fer da love of Hubbard! You could always
swing be the local monastery and see if the monks have copied any new
books. Of course your choices will be limited to the Bible and books about
the Bible. At this point, the plague is looking like a reasonable
alternative.

But wait! What's that hanging on the wall? Why it's the Bayeux Tapestry -
the Saving Private Ryan of the Middle Ages! That section where
King Harold takes an arrow in the eye is just like the end of
Scarface, dude!

So here's my idea: hire a bunch of Americans whose jobs have been
outsourced (trust me, there are plenty of 'em. Did you know that George
Bush is the first President since Herbert Hoover to have a job loss
during his term in office) to weave tapestries depicting popular movies
in the Medieval style (Since use of perspective in art didn't reemerge
until the Renaissance, it should be easy to train non-artists to draw the
figures). Here's a scene from the tapestry version of Full Metal
Jacket:



_ . _

Today's Celebrity Birthday:

Boo Dilicious. The star of Behind the Scenes with 20 Young
Girls and Cum Dumpsters 3 turns 20 today.


The ancient Greek word of the day is:
pienaw - be hungry.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
credere - to believe





Rodney on 02.08.05 @ 09:48 AM EST [link] [14 Comments]

How 'bout them Iggles?

Let's all just take a minute to thank Ares, the God of War, for hearing
our prayers and helping the New England Football Guys to defeat the
Philadelphia Iggles. Do you hear that, Terrell Owens? Our Gods are greater
than yours!

Sadly, it's not my job to dwell on happy things. No, my job is to point
out the many areas in which mankind have erred and offer suggestions on
how to correct these errors. Oh, and to wish Porn Stars a happy birthday.

Have you ever listened to Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me on NPR? If you
haven't, then all you need to know is that listeners call in and attempt
to match their wits against celebrity guest such as P.J. O'Rourke, Mo
Rocca, and Paula Poundstone. If you have heard the show, the odds are
pretty sure-as-shittin' good that you have a fist-sized hole in your
radio.

If you work for NPR, I'd like you to immediately go out and get the
following tattooed on the back of your hand: "NEVER ALLOW LISTENERS TO
CALL IN!" Over the years I've become convinced that the phones at NPR are
programmed to allow only the country's biggest idiots to call in. Wait,
Wait… Don't Tell Me's Guess The Newsmaker segment takes
Herculean strides toward proving this hypothesis.

Here's how the segment works: a listener calls in and is asked to guess
the name of someone who's appeared prominently in that week's headlines
after being supplied with a slew of clues so blatant that they pretty much
add up to supplying the answers. The listener then, either due to
nervousness or some sort of brain injury, completely fails to guess the
newsmaker. The whole thing goes down kinda like this:

Carl Kasell: There should be know beating-around-the-BUSH
when it comes to guessing who was inaugurated as President of the United
States this week.

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: Hmmmm…Gee, that's a toughy.
I…um…I like ham…

(Host) Peter Sagal: Carl, why not give [this total Fucktard]
another clue.

Carl Kasell: This newsmaker has been spending time in the White
House…IN THE OVAL OFFICE…for the last four years.

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: Oh, yeah. That would be…oh…oh…
Geez, I'm drawing a blank.

Since Carl and Peter hate to see a listener fall flat on their face,
they'll keep providing clues until the gastropod on the other end of the
phone line finally coughs up the correct answer.

Peter Sagal: Carl, please give [this goddamn waste of oxygen the
fucking answer in clue format].

Carl Kasell: His name sounds very much - VERY, VERY MUCH, like
George Bush. G…eo…rge Bu…ssssh

Dumber-Than-a-Box-of-Rocks Caller: (Removes finger from nose). I'm
gonna take a guess…is it George Bush?

Peter Sagal: Hey, ya' got it! [Aiiiieeeee!!! Please dear God,
strike me deaf before the next call]

Alright, I know that you must be wondering why I listen to show if it's
so annoying. Two reasons, really. The first (and this might be a bit of a
long shot) is that I hold a secret hope that someday P.J. O'Rourke will
go apeshit and start screaming something along the line of "How can you
possibly not know this? I have houseplants that could answer these
questions. How, in the name of Christ, did you ever manage to dial
888-WAIT-WAIT?"

The other reason (again, another long shot) is that I'm hoping to hear
Paula Poundstone being forced to comment on the Michael Jackson trial. I've
always wondered if it was actually possible to hear someone squirm
uncomfortably over the radio.


_ . _

Today's Birthday Porn Star is:

Bianka Pureheart. The star of It's All About Ass 2 (they made
a sequel because they left so many questions unanswered in the original
It's All About Ass) and Black Bros and White Ho's turns 22
today.


The ancient Greek word of the day is:
faskw - allege, state, declare, claim.

If the above word looks like ippojshit to you,
then you need to go here
and download the SPIONIC font for either MAC or PC. Dude.


The Latin word of the day is:
aliquis - festinaverunt they hurried





Rodney on 02.07.05 @ 11:58 AM EST [link] [13 Comments]