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01/11/2006: "Au contraire, mon chere Blair!"
Salvete rotundi pueri silvarum,
Blair's January AAAIIIEEEE-letter is out. And I'm sure that the fact that
today is Dr. Albert Hofmann's 100th birthday is just a coincidence. While
it does contain a few (paucus -a -um) nuggets of snake-handling strangeness,
it's not quite the steaming pile of poop-filled insanity that Blair served
up back in December. I guess Blair has been taking her medication. Be not
sad, gentle reader! What we lose in entertainment value is more than
adequately compensated for by the nights in which Blair's children will
be able to slip quietly off to sleep without having to worry about mommy
sending them to Kiddie Heaven in the middle of the night with a pair a
pruning sheers. Besides, what are the odds that Blair won't slip back into
the abyss? Either way: Here comes the E-letter. Fire in the hole!
January 2006 E-letter - New Year's Resolutions
Did you make any New Year's Resolutions this year? [Hmmmm…I seem to
recall something about not mocking chubby former child-actresses.] I
did. They are pretty typical. Steve and I are attempting to live on a
budget for the 18th year in a row [Would someone (someone other
than Blair, that is) please explain to me how the fuck Blair could be
broke? Even if you completely ignore the theological implications of God
failing to provide the porky Princess with a suitable income despite all
of the hours she's put in down at the Belief Factory, Blair should at
least be receiving residual checks from the fifty or so years that The
FATS of Life polluted the airwaves. And I know she must've pocketed
some cash from those shitty books she writes because…well, because those
books are shitty: and there'll always be a market for shitty books].
In addition, one of my Christmas presents from Steve was a membership to
our new gym in town. (I actually asked for this so don't think too terribly
of my husband.)[Damn, she beat me to it!] I also hope this New Year
takes me to deeper dimensions in worship, fasting [Hey Blair, maybe if
you took the fasting a little more seriously you wouldn't need the gym
membership: Just a thought.], and meditating on [bird is…] the
Word.
I really think God is into New Year's Resolutions. [Well, he has gotten
better about smiting first-born males] It is in line with His
character. [Like living in a temple and demanding animal sacrifices]
Lamentations [Wooooeeeee!]3:22-23 says, "The steadfast love of the
LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every
morning; great is your faithfulness." [Now get off your asses an slay
some Canaanites] Sounds to me like God is into "New Morning's"
Resolutions, too. [Sounds to me like someone is reading a little
too much into a book that was written in the desert over two thousands
years ago]
Starting clean and fresh on the New Year was His idea in the first place.
Leviticus 16:30 says, "On this day, atonement will be made for you, and
you will be cleansed from all your sins in the LORD's presence." [So
be sure to wash your hands after you kill those Canaanites, OK?]
God went so far as to institute a really big New Year's resolution day
every seventh year. Deuteronomy 15: 1-2 says, "At the end of every seventh
year you must cancel your debts. This is how it must be done. Creditors
must cancel the loans they have made to their fellow Israelites. They must
not demand payment from their neighbors or relatives, for the LORD's time
of release has arrived." (Don't you wish we still celebrated this Sabbath
New Year!?)[How did that Commie bullshit sneak its way into the great,
Capitalist Bible? Oh wait; Deuteronomy 15:3 says, "Of a foreigner thou
mayest exact it again: but that which is thine with thy brother thine hand
shall release" So much for Third World debt relief, Bono.]
And the Grandaddy [sic] of all New Year's Celebrations is the Year of
Jubilee [Put the "Jew" back in "Jubilee"] talked about in Leviticus
25: 8-10. "In addition, you must count off seven Sabbath years, seven years
times seven, adding up to forty-nine years in all. Then on the Day of
Atonement of the fiftieth year, blow the trumpets loud and long throughout
the land. This year will be set apart as holy, a time to proclaim release
for all who live there. It will be a jubilee year for you, when each of
you returns to the lands that belonged to your ancestors and rejoins your
clan." (Just think, [sic] we would live near all our relatives again!)
[Just think; some of us just may find living near our relatives again
a disturbing proposition. Shit Luther, that's why my sister moved to New
Zealand.]
The even better news is, [sic] these were just the rumblings [I told God
not to eat that chili] of the best news of all. "Therefore, if anyone
is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2
Corinthians 5:17 NIV ["A new creation"??? But..but… Ecclesiastes 1:9
says "There is nothing new under the sun." I'm so confused.]
I am so thankful God doesn't think badly of me when I call for a "do-over."
In hindsight [which would be a lot of sight, considering that Blair's a
"junk-in-the-trunk kind of gal], there are many things I've done and
not done this year that I would change if I could. But I can't. I can
simply learn from them and resolve to do better next year, knowing that
next year there will probably be a whole new set of "coulda, shoulda,
woulda's." ["I coulda eaten fewer live steers. I shoulda probably let
the kids keep their Halloween candy instead of screaming 'dibs' and
snatching it from them. I wish I woulda written down that recipe for
poop-filled brownies."]
God is not only into "ringing in the new" but is also big on "ringing OUT
the old." I would like to encourage you during this New Year season to let
go of any guilt from last year. It is okay to say, "God, I know I blew it
in this particular area [behind the dumpster out back of the 7-11]
and I wish I had done better in that area but I also know you are a God of
forgiveness and second and third and 490 chances. Please forgive me and
thank You for choosing not to even remember my mistakes from last year.
Let's start over." [I've seen enough Lifetime Network movies to realize
that Blair's in an abusive relationship with Yahweh.]
Personally, I'm even going to go so far as to ask God to redeem my
mistakes. In His divine and sovereign way, to turn my shortcomings and
failures into good things. Why don't you do the same thing? Let's really
start fresh. [Yes. Let's start fresh. I'm going to do my darndest not
to point out any small errors that Blair might make. I'll also try to be
a whole lot nicer, because, after all, Blair's just trying to help us.]
"We can enter through a new and living way that Jesus opened for us. It
leads through the curtain-Christ's body." Hebrews 10:20 [Blair, you
stupid whore, Hebrews 10:20 says, "By a new and living way, which he hath
consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh"]
Happy, Happy New Year all year long, [Up yours, fatso!]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, if one of your New Year's Resolutions was to spend more time in the
Word,[If the Word is "bed", then, yes, that was one of my New Year's
resolutions] I have a couple of ideas for you. I already told you
about the "Creative Correction" Bible study, so that is one idea. This
might be a good time to tell your women's director about the DVD
["Creative Correction", "DVD", "women's director"? We're talking about
porn, aren't we?] sessions available in case your church is looking
to offer some small group Bible studies this year. Or you may even want
to find a handful of friends who have made the same resolution who would
like to all go in together to host the Bible study. The DVD sessions are
really great, but if you can't afford the Leader's kit you can still get
a lot out of doing the Bible study member book [Huh, huh: "member
book"] on your own each morning [In the bathroom…with the door
locked].
And, brand new, hot off the presses is my latest book, "The Busy Mom's
Guide to Wisdom." I really think you are going to like this book. I've
taken the book of Proverbs and paraphrased many of the scriptures [The
Word according to Blair] that are specifically for moms. I've also
written practical ways to incorporate these truths into our daily lives
as moms. One of my favorite definitions of wisdom is, "supernatural truth
lived out in a practical way." [AKA "Bullshit"] That is exactly
what this book is all about. So, if you are looking for more bite-sized
chunks of [poop-filled brownies] the Word to start off the New
Year, this may be just what you are looking for.
Here's what a few people have said about the new book:
----------------------------------------------------------
Chonda Pierce [My wife is always talking about getting her chonda
pierced]- Author, Comedian, Recording Artist, and Mom
"I have a small stack of books on my nightstand [which I plan to burn].
(in case I slip on to Glory [or on a banana peel] in the night,
people will think I was very smart while on earth!) My Bible is the most
important book in the stack - next would be Lisa's book: The Busy Mom's
Guide to Wisdom. [Screw you, St. Thomas Aquinas, I get my theology for
God and Blair!] Lisa allows us to not be embarrassed that we don't
know everything as mothers - she simply points us in the right direction
and then bows her head right along with us as we pray together:
'God, help!'"
Rachel - Wilmington, NC
"Lisa's guides are so accessible that any sleep-deprived, spit-covered,
buried-under-eight-pounds-of-laundry mother can find needed help between
their pages." [Wow, she really makes motherhood sound like an attractive
deal. She left out "Meth addicted", by the way.]
Earline - Kingsport, TN
"The Busy Mom's Guide to Wisdom is wonderful. We moms need God's wisdom,
and Lisa puts it in a busy mom's language!" [Why do I get the feeling
that "Earline" is just "Earl" in drag?]
Marcy - Royal Oak, MI
"Finally, a reminder than even in child rearing, real wisdom comes from
God! These chapters encouraged me, consoled me, and gave me the courage to
openly and confidently trust in God for all I need to raise my daughter."
[Yeah, to Hell with all those books by them thar "experts". Come to
think of it; to Hell with books, period!]
Click here for more information.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sure would love to meet you. [Ditto, lardass] Do you live
anywhere near these cities where I will be speaking?
January 27-28 - Austin, Tx (MomTime Getaway)
February 3-4 - Roswell, NM
February 11 - Culman, AL
February 24 - Mobile, AL
March 3 - Jacksonville, FL
March 11 - Gadsden, AL
March 17-18 - Chattanooga, TN
April 1 - Duluth, MN
April 8 - Plano, TX
For more details visit www.lisawhelchel.com/calendar
If you have any friends that would appreciate receiving this E-letter,
please forward it to them by clicking this link.
durus -a -um - harsh
