01/10/2006: "Hadassah Pecker"
Salvete stulti hoplomachi,
Once upon a time, there was nice fellow by either the name of Josh Josephson
or Josh Panterason, depending on whom you ask, who used to wander around
the shores of the Sea of Galilee (and, once again depending on whom you ask,
occasionally Josh would take a stroll on the water) telling people that
they should love each other and stop acting like assholes. Think of him
as a sort of Jewish Bob Marley. Eventually, Josh ran afoul of the Romans
who had a one-strike-and-you-out policy toward troublemakers.
Shortly after Josh's death, some of his followers collected Josh's saying
and parables together on paper. Now, if that would've been the end of the
story, we'd all be a whole Hell of a lot happier today. But it wasn't. As
time went on, people began to embellish Josh's biography. Within a
few years, like Apollonius of Tyana, Josh was being credited with healing
the sick and raising the dead. A few decades and a bit of plagiarism from
the Bacchae later, Josh's mother was a virgin and his father was God.
For a couple of month's I was certain that Josh's story had reached its
ironical zenith when a guy who used to belong to an organization which
murdered six million of Josh's relatives was named as CEO of The Josh
Corporation. Ah, but that's the great thing about Josh's story; you never
know what strange twists it'll take or when those twists will land it on
your front steps.
Last Sunday a group of Josh's followers, including dead baby enthusiast
Rick Santorum, held a pep rally for Samuel A. Mussalito in a church in
Philadelphia… a Black church in North Philadelphia. That's
right, the Fundies held a rally in a Black church for a man who once
belonged to an organization that was dedicated to keeping minorities out
of Princeton University. Reverend Herb Lusk, pastor of Greater Exodus
Baptist and one of the organizers of Justice Sunday III (this time, it's
personal!), in the words of Ricky Ricardo, "You've got a lotta 'splaining
And here's the best that Rev. Herb could come up with: It seems that he
thinks that the government should "appoint people to the justice system
that would be attentive to the needs I care about - stopping same-sex
marriage, assisted suicide and abortions for minors and supporting prayer
and Christmas celebrations in school."
Oh, so Pastor Herb's was motivated by his hatred of hot, hot homo butt sex,
death with dignity, twelve-year-olds not giving birth to their stepfather's
offspring and by his love of gaudy (dare we say "Gay"?) Christmas pageants,
and not by the one million dollar grant that he pocketed via Bush's
Faith Based Initiative program (our government is handing out million
dollar checks to homo-haters? The good Reverend, by the way, endorsed Bush
at the 2000 Republican National Convention, which finally answers the
question "who do you have to blow to get a million bucks?")
And just how much does Herb the Baptist either hate teh Gay or love teh
Xmas? So much that he was willing to share the stage with another Reverend:
Jerry Falwell who once said the following: "Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
Mr. James Farmer, and others... are known to have left-wing associations.
It is very obvious that the Communists, as they do in all parts of the
world, are taking advantage of a tense situation in our land, and are
exploiting every incident to bring about violence and bloodshed." The same
Falwell who, in the late 1960's, called Civil Rights legislation an act of
"Civil wrong" and who preached sermon after sermon praising segregation.
To be fair, Jerry has said that he was wrong about segregation, but he's
certain he's not wrong about hating Fags and Dykes.
Now, it's tempting to call Herb Lusk a punk-assed Uncle Tomming bitch, but
that would be wrong. Not because Herb isn't; I'm certain he is, but because
, according to another Justice Sunday III (Revenge of the Simp) speaker
Rev. Wellington Boone, "The black community must stop criticizing Uncle
Tom. He is a role model."
Let's recap: Martin Luther King Jr. was a violent commie, Uncle Tom is a
role model, and Faggots are plotting to ruin school Christmas plays. Got that?
Of course, the folks at Justice Sunday III (Uncle Tom meets Dracula) might
have stayed at home had they known that all of their work had already been
done for them by Rev. Rob Schenck and two other ministers who apparently
broke into the Senate room that is being used for Alito's confirmation
hearing and anoint the several chairs with oil. OK, admittedly, I'm an
outsider; but isn't breaking and entering kind of…you know…not very
This of course begs the question "Why oil the chairs? Why not oil up
Judge Alito himself?" Shit Luther, I'm surprised that Reverend Lonnie
Latham hasn't already put that idea forward.
glutire - to swallow, gulp (see Rev. Lonnie Latham)