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01/10/2006: "Hadassah Pecker"

Salvete stulti hoplomachi,

ckhead (21k image)Once upon a time, there was nice fellow by either the name of Josh Josephson
or Josh Panterason, depending on whom you ask, who used to wander around
the shores of the Sea of Galilee (and, once again depending on whom you ask,
occasionally Josh would take a stroll on the water) telling people that
they should love each other and stop acting like assholes. Think of him
as a sort of Jewish Bob Marley. Eventually, Josh ran afoul of the Romans
who had a one-strike-and-you-out policy toward troublemakers.

Shortly after Josh's death, some of his followers collected Josh's saying
and parables together on paper. Now, if that would've been the end of the
story, we'd all be a whole Hell of a lot happier today. But it wasn't. As
time went on, people began to embellish Josh's biography. Within a
few years, like Apollonius of Tyana, Josh was being credited with healing
the sick and raising the dead. A few decades and a bit of plagiarism from
the Bacchae later, Josh's mother was a virgin and his father was God.

For a couple of month's I was certain that Josh's story had reached its
ironical zenith when a guy who used to belong to an organization which
murdered six million of Josh's relatives
was named as CEO of The Josh
Corporation. Ah, but that's the great thing about Josh's story; you never
know what strange twists it'll take or when those twists will land it on
your front steps.

Last Sunday a group of Josh's followers, including dead baby enthusiast
Rick Santorum, held a pep rally for Samuel A. Mussalito in a church in
Philadelphia… a Black church in North Philadelphia. That's
right, the Fundies held a rally in a Black church for a man who once
belonged to an organization that was dedicated to keeping minorities out
of Princeton University
. Reverend Herb Lusk, pastor of Greater Exodus
Baptist and one of the organizers of Justice Sunday III (this time, it's
personal!), in the words of Ricky Ricardo, "You've got a lotta 'splaining
to do."

And here's the best that Rev. Herb could come up with: It seems that he
thinks that the government should "appoint people to the justice system
that would be attentive to the needs I care about - stopping same-sex
marriage, assisted suicide and abortions for minors and supporting prayer
and Christmas celebrations in school."

Oh, so Pastor Herb's was motivated by his hatred of hot, hot homo butt sex,
death with dignity, twelve-year-olds not giving birth to their stepfather's
offspring and by his love of gaudy (dare we say "Gay"?) Christmas pageants,
and not by the one million dollar grant that he pocketed via Bush's
Faith Based Initiative program
(our government is handing out million
dollar checks to homo-haters? The good Reverend, by the way, endorsed Bush
at the 2000 Republican National Convention, which finally answers the
question "who do you have to blow to get a million bucks?")

And just how much does Herb the Baptist either hate teh Gay or love teh
Xmas? So much that he was willing to share the stage with another Reverend:
Jerry Falwell who once said the following: "Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
Mr. James Farmer, and others... are known to have left-wing associations.
It is very obvious that the Communists, as they do in all parts of the
world, are taking advantage of a tense situation in our land, and are
exploiting every incident to bring about violence and bloodshed." The same
Falwell who, in the late 1960's, called Civil Rights legislation an act of
"Civil wrong" and who preached sermon after sermon praising segregation.

To be fair, Jerry has said that he was wrong about segregation, but he's
certain he's not wrong about hating Fags and Dykes.

Now, it's tempting to call Herb Lusk a punk-assed Uncle Tomming bitch, but
that would be wrong. Not because Herb isn't; I'm certain he is, but because
, according to another Justice Sunday III (Revenge of the Simp) speaker
Rev. Wellington Boone, "The black community must stop criticizing Uncle
Tom. He is a role model."

Let's recap: Martin Luther King Jr. was a violent commie, Uncle Tom is a
role model, and Faggots are plotting to ruin school Christmas plays. Got that?

Of course, the folks at Justice Sunday III (Uncle Tom meets Dracula) might
have stayed at home had they known that all of their work had already been
done for them by Rev. Rob Schenck and two other ministers who apparently
broke into the Senate room that is being used for Alito's confirmation
hearing and anoint the several chairs with oil
. OK, admittedly, I'm an
outsider; but isn't breaking and entering kind of…you know…not very

This of course begs the question "Why oil the chairs? Why not oil up
Judge Alito himself?" Shit Luther, I'm surprised that Reverend Lonnie
hasn't already put that idea forward.

The Latin word of the day is:
glutire - to swallow, gulp (see Rev. Lonnie Latham)

Replies: 9 Comments

on Tuesday, January 10th, eric said

this is the funniest thing i have seen all day. santorum: 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. 2. Senator Rick Santorum.

on Tuesday, January 10th, ein said

When I went to college I was a member of the Neo-Nazi Pedophile Rapists Club, but it was just because I agreed with their stance on affordable student parking.

I heard about this on the "Colbert Report"

"Mr. Lusk said he agreed to be the host of the "event at his Greater Exodus Baptist Church more out of loyalty to Mr. Bush - "a friend of mine" - than out of support for Judge Alito.

"I don't know enough about him to say I actually think he's the right man to do the job,'..."

on Wednesday, January 11th, razlerja said

I love that Santorum-dead baby thing more each time I read it. The guy is a real nut-job.

on Wednesday, January 11th, MrStinky said

I met Reverend Herb once. It was a really strange meeting. I was interviewing him for my research paper on the pointlessness of organized religion when, before I could begin, he asks, "Did you ever go to make a pork sausage and found hairs all over it?" Then, he gave me a look, which still haunts me to this day.

on Wednesday, January 11th, Pistaugh said

I wonder if Santorum eats eggs. Every once in a while, you get one with a blood spot in it. I wonder if that makes him cry.

on Wednesday, January 11th, C.B.Rox said

looks pretty homo to me.

on Wednesday, January 11th, razlerja said

OF COURSE HE IS GAY! He is a self-hating homosexual in advanced denial. He can't just have a family, he has to have a 'super' family. He can't just quietly follow his religion, he has to push it out to the world. He can't just prefer to be with women and live-and-let-live, he has to make 'man-on-dog' comments. He makes Jim McGreavy look like Rambo. Everything about him screams (like a queen): 'I'm filled with homosexual urges so I have to supress them totally or I'll go crazy and start kissing men.'

on Wednesday, January 11th, briannirvana said

i too fight the urge to play with dead chickens, i mean they wiork great as marionettes.
spreadeagled and all.

on Wednesday, January 11th, briannirvana said

if he is gay does he plan to have an operation down there?
or does he like to be the one with the penis?

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