01/07/2006: "Fanny Hunnybun"
Salvete filii et filiae deorum,
"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime
minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the
United Nations or the United States of America. God says, 'This land
belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone'"
That, of course was men's freestyle insanity champion and tinfoil hat
enthusiast Pat "Jesus should be here any day now, honest" Robertson
explaining why God was forced to make some time in His busy schedule
to lay an ol' school smiting on the ass of Ariel Sharon. Got that? Did
the Big Pink Pixie in the Sky didn't decide to drop a stroke-bomb on
Ariel Sharon because, in 1957, an Israeli army unit under
Sharon's command ruthlessly engaged in the wholesale slaughter of the
villagers of Qibya? Nope.
Did Mr. Alpha Omega send Ariel Sharon a one way ticket to Comaland
because of Sharon's complicity in the 1982 massacre of 800 Palestinian
civilians at the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps? No way, Muffo. *
OK, so maybe Captain Omnipotent curb-stopped Ariel Sharon because he not
only had one girls' name, but two? Good theory, but incorrect.
No, according to Iman Robertson, Ariel Sharon was forced to bite the
biblical big one because he shut down a few Israeli settlements in Gaza
that neither you, gentle reader, nor any other normal human being, would
want to live in. Oh, and why God never bothered to visit a few strokes
upon any of the non-Jews who ruled the area from roughly 134 CE on shall
remain a mystery.
Note to be outdone in the fucktarded quote department, George Bush said
the following on the same day that Pat Robertson offered his thoughts on
Ariel Sharon - it's just as stupid, but got less press:
"When somebody comes to me and speaks Texan, I know they appreciate
the Texas culture."
Along with a splitting headache, the statement above, when combined with
Bush's other statements and actions, leaves us with two frightening
1) Bush is an evil genius who makes the occasional calculated stupid
remark just to fool the rest of us into thinking that he's a complete
idiot. As Al Franken once pointed out during one of his rare, actually
funny moments, the Press' attitude towards Bush has always been to treat
him like a "special" child. When Bush performed poorly in the debates,
the Medias' reaction was akin to "Ah, leave him alone. He just doesn't
2) Bush is an evil moron and someone else (Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Donald
Rumsfeld, Hitler's-brain-in-a-robot-body, take your pick), someone much,
much smarter, is really behind all of the more complex evil which rolls
off the White House assembly line.
I'll go with option number two (Huh, huh "number two"). Shit Luther, could
the same simple mind which gave us the above bon mot about "Texas culture"
actually be capable of the pure, savage brilliance behind the Torture Bill
Just in case you hadn't heard, shortly after Bush reluctantly signed the
John "Charlie's in the rice paddies" McCain sponsored Anti-Torture Bill,
George issued a "Signing Statement" which basically said that, as
President of the United States and Minster of Culture for Texas, he has
the God-given Right to ignore the piece of legislation which he just
To help my younger readers grasp this delicate and seemingly contradictory
concept, I've created the following visual aid:
* As Michael Shermer pointed out in what had to be teh bestest debate
EVAR, this is perfectly acceptable behavior according to the Old
Testament, wherein "you are to 'Love Thy Neighbor' as long as it is your
immediate in-group neighbor, but that it is perfectly okay to rape,
pillage, and destroy those bastards on the other side of the river."
periculum - i - danger
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