01/04/2006: "C. Mathews Dick"

Salvete, agricolae et avarae feminae (Mr. Anonymous insisted that I greet
you like that).

Well, it's that time of the year again. For the first two weeks in
January, the Theater community here in Burley Connecticut, which at this
points consists almost entirely of the drama club at Dorothy Hamill High
and a ragtag collection of local thespians know as Footlight Fever Forever
(whose last production, Mr. Ed: The Opera, was shut down on its
opening night, during the fist act, by a horrified audience who couldn't
help but notice the cruel combination of fishhooks and piano wires that
were used to make Ol' Chester, the horse cast in the title role, "sing".),
takes a brief hiatus.

In order to keep my reviewing skills sharper than a Hispanic's prison
shank during this time of dramatic drought, I am often forced to take
desperate measures. Last year, for example, I was forced to travel to
Branson Missouri in order to review Lee Greenwood's "America: Love Her
Like A Hot, Sweaty Woman". Having learned from that mistake, this year I'm
doing all of my reviewing from the comfort of my study: thanks to
amazon.com. While my latest review may be found here, I've also taken the
liberty of posting it below as I've noticed that my analyses have the
strange tendency to be deleted.

-.-.--.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.--..--.-
Six months ago I found myself in the unenviable position of having to
explain to my epicene nephew, Winthrop, that his cat, Peterbald the Great,
was called to "Kitty Heaven" when he used up his ninth life by taking a
nap in a wood chipper. Seeking opuscule aid in this endeavor, I popped off
to the Burley Library where I inquired of the crone-on-duty "Would you
have any books that might help a young man, a rather 'high strung' young
man, deal with the unexpected and extremely messy death of a beloved pet?"
The bookmobile battleaxe rose from her chair with an audible creak (coming
from her and not the chair), slowly made her way among the shelves, and
returned a half hour later only to produce - to my great horror - dusty
editions of "Old Yeller", "Sounder", and "The Yearling".

"Are you daft, woman?" I screamed, hurling the tomes at her grey head.
"Have you ever read these books? They may have been acceptable reading
back in 1936 when a child's deceased Grandpa was laid out in the like a
holiday decoration and when the Boy Scouts handed out merit badges for
avoiding polio, but today's youth have fortunately been shielded from the
ugly face of reality. What I'm looking for," I raised my voice, just in
case the odorous octogenarian was hard of hearing, "is a book that's just
as light and fluffy as the departed pussy cat whose passage it'll be
employed to explain. Now drag your adult diapers back into that stack and
don't you dare return without something totally puerile and completely
void of complex thought!"

After what seemed like an eternity, the miserable old bookmaggot returned
with a copy of Sylvia Browne's "Animals on the Other Side". Snatching it
from the mummified matron's withered hands; I furiously began to peruse
its contents. "Hmmm… banal… jejune…a tragically bromidic collection of
hokum, pabulum, and platitudes. This is exactly what I was after!" I beamed
at the superannuated librarian who now seemed to be suffering some sort of
stroke-thingy.

I studied Ms. Browne's treatise during the cab ride back to my domicile
and, by the time the hack had pulled into my driveway, I was more than
ready to explain to Winthrop that his fair-haired feline was now freely
spraying the clouds in the company of Plato, Aristotle, and Nelson
Rockefeller. Ironically, as I entered the house, I was informed by mother
that, earlier that day, Winthrop had been caught in an indiscretion with
a garden hose, a bucket of lard, and, most shocking of all, a Papist. The
lad was immediately and unceremoniously shipped off to Burley Military
Academy, whose motto, "viros facemus", seems to have made a deep
impression on the boy as he is now a the top of his class and looking
forward to a career in interrogating little brown people.

Although I never got a chance to use psychic Sylvia's prosaic primer ease
my nephew's grief (surrounded by Burley men, he seems to have forgotten
all about his late pussy), "Animals on the Other Side" has earned a place
in my personal library…under the short leg of my desk.

Warmest Regards,
Nathan E. Bulwar-Lytton

The Latin phrase of the day is:
viros facemus - we make men

jonramse (22k image)

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22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

Thoughtless for the Day

01/04/2006: "C. Mathews Dick"