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01/03/2006: "John Wellborn Wallop"
Who Killed The Other JR?
Last night, on a dare, I tuned into It’s Your Call to check out
their ninth annual “Jonbenet Ramsey is still dead” show. If you’ve never
seen It’s Your Call, all you really need to know is that the
program follows the three cardinal rules of viewer call-in shows:
1. Talk about yourself as much as Possible. “Lynn, I just want to
say that I have a granddaughter who’s about the same age that Jonbenet was
when she was killed by rabid pandas, and I just want to say that had my
granddaughter, who’s an honor student/star athlete/rodeo clown, …”
2. It’s not an opinion unless it’s completely bat-shit. “Hello
Lynn. Have any of your guests ever considered the possibility that
Jonbenet may have killed herself and then arranged the scene to look like
a murder? You know, for the insurance money.”
3. Turn that TV/Radio volume up to 11. “Lynn, I feel that
*SSSSsssssqqqqquuuuueeeeeaaaalllll*.”
If the people who call into these shows are a reasonable representation of
the American public, then it’s fair to say that only about three percent
of the population understands the concept of Occam’s Razor. Jonbenet was
found dead in her family’s house. The ransom note found later was written
on paper from the Ramsey home and demanded a payment of $118,000, the
exact amount that Mr. Ramsey had just received as a bonus, and contained
the same grammatical error that Jonbenet’s mother would make a year later
in a Christmas card. Therefore, using AAL (Average American Logic), we may
deduce that Jonbenet Ramsey was killed by Muslim extremists and that we
must now invade Colorado.
Maybe Jonbenet’s killer has never been brought to justice because, at
least on a subconscious level, we’re all pretty much OK with the Littlest
Beauty Queen being dead. I’ve just lost some of you; haven’t I?
Look; I’m not saying that I’m happy about the murder of a child.
What I am saying is that I’m comfortable with the concept of
Jonbenet Ramsey no longer being alive. Shit Luther, it sounds even harsher
when I phrase my position like that. Let me put it to you another way:
Remember that night, back in college, when you and your buddies smoked
weed and stayed up all night debating rather or not, if you owned a time
machine and were presented with the opportunity, would kill Hitler if you
encountered him when he was a child? Now think about the first time when
you saw that now infamous footage of the painted kinderwhore stomping
across the stage in her sequins cowgirl outfit. Are you honestly going to
tell me that the thought “Thank Christ someone stopped her. Who knows what
evil that little monster could’ve accomplished had she been allowed to
live?” didn’t flash across your mind? Next year, I’m going to call in and
suggest that people from The Future traveled back in time and killed
Jonbenet in order to settle an astro-bet they made while smoking
space-weed in Future College.
Maybe next year, the producers of It’s Your Call will do the world
a favor and, instead of focusing on the death of Jonbenet, dedicate a show
to the hundreds of thousands of still-living Jonbenets who are currently
being forced by an army of stage-mothers to perform “Hey look me over” in
costumes that would make a Drag Queen feel queasy.
puella - ae - girl
