01/02/2006: "E. Pluribus Eubanks"
Salvete, lectori et holeri.
So I took a four day nap and, when I awoke, it was a whole new year. Ain't
that some shit? Now I guess I'll be forced to crank out one of those
mandatory end-of -the-old-shitty-year / start-of-a-new-shitty-year blogs.
Look Back in Anger
"Mr. Brown? That sounds too much like Mr. Shit."
- Mr. Brown
While every other blogger on the web is either recapping 2005 or making
predictions for 2006, I've decided to mash things up and look back at
someone else's predictions for 2005: and that someone, making her second
RATYHTL appearance in a row, is professional psychic / amateur wildebeest
Before we get started, it should be noted that Ms. Browne-stain claims her
predictions are 87 to 90% accurate, although a few sour-faced killjoys out
there have protested that Sylvia's number of psychic bull's-eyes is closer
to 6%. Damn Liberals and their fuzzy math! OK, here are just a few of
Sylvia's Amazingly Accurate Psychic Predictions Which Definitely Came To
Pass In 2005:
1. Saddam Hussein will be dead before his trial. OK, I know what
you're thinking. However, it should be noted that Saddam was found hiding
in a hole in the ground, and that Sylvia claims that she thought Saddam
was dead because she had a vision of him under the ground.
2. US troops will not be home from Iraq until 2006. That's a rather
prediction. And shame on anyone who would point out that Sylvia had
originally predicted that US troops would be home by the early summer of
2004… which she then altered to the end of 2004.
3. Medical surgery will start to use some kind of laser. Sure;
surgeons have been using lasers for years, but note that Sylvia says "some
kind of laser". Perhaps this is some new kind of laser…maybe even
some new kind of psychic laser!
4. Laser beams affecting the cockpits of aircraft are coming from other
planes or satellites. Yeah, yeah, I know that those laser beams turned
out to be the work of some guy in New Jersey, but what the Liberal /
Skeptic media failed to report is that that guy in New Jersey had flown on
several planes and may have owned satellite television.
5. Mount St Helens will blow this year or within 18 months. Hey,
she's still got another six months.
6. There will be some minor terrorist attacks on trucks and trains but
not airplanes. This will hit our food supply. Alright smartasses, I
don't won't to see any remarks in the comments section like "The only
threat to our food supply is Sylvia."
7. The Illuminati is real…
8. …Anti-Gravitational rods helped move the stone blocks to build the
9. …Osama Bin Laden is dead…
10. …There is no Devil but there is a Hell and we are living in it.
Well, there you go. Once again, Sylvia Browne has been proven to be 100%
accurate. Shit Luther, let's make that 101% accurate for tipping us off to
something we've always suspected: we are living in Hell.
centum unnus - one hundred and one