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12/20/2005: "Our Family's Vacation To The Nineteenth Century!"
Devil Baby and Fucktard Mother on the loose
Tragically, I fell asleep before I could catch what I'm sure had to be
the most insane report in the history of television on the local FOX
(where else) affiliate's news report last night. What the Hell am I
talking about? Well, here's the description from the sidebar of their
homepage:
Believing he's possessed...
A family...
Fights to get that child back...
A church...
Blamed for putting devilish ideas in
the mother's head...
FOX29's Jeff Cole
takes you undercover...
Inside the church...
The family says started it all...
Tonight on the FOX29 10 O'Clock News.
Just reading that made my hurt. Sweet Hog-Riding Jesus on a Very Special
Episode of CHiPs, if you're stupid enough to allow yourself to be
convinced that your child is possessed by daemons, then maybe you don't
deserve to regain custody. "Do you have any pictures of your baby, m'am?"
"No, I was all afraid that the camera would steal his soul an' shit." If
FOX29's Jeff Cole managed to keep a straight face throughout that entire
piece, he deserves an award.
At least this moron only had one child, just imagine if she'd had sixteen
little Satan babies like…
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
Yes, theeeey're back! And they've been featured in a piece in the Dallas
Morning News * which, while failing to answer many of our basic questions
about the Duggars (like "Just what the fucking planet are these shitbags
really from and when the fuck will they be going back there?"), it does
manage to fill in a few blanks regarding their finances. Let's all learn
how we can run our homes like the Duggars, shall we?
It takes approximately $5,000 a month (or roughly $278 per person) to run
the nightmare that is the Duggar household. The money primarily comes from
a commercial rental property which the Duggar's own debt-free,
traded their souls to the Dark Lord for the deed
Their clothing (skirts and dresses - never pants - and white socks
for mom and the girls: polo shirts and slacks or jeans, with black socks
for Jim Bob and the boys) comes from a thrift store (like we needed a
newspaper to tell us that). They rarely eat out (let it go), but when they
do they can be found filling their numerous pie-holes with the 49-cent
children's meals at Arkansas Quality Chicken; although it's unlikely the
Duggars will continue to eat there once they learn that the restaurant
used to be a favorite haunt of Super-sinner Bill Clinton. Oh, and the
three older Duggar girls cut the boys' hair (ever since their old barber,
Ray Charles, died).
"We haven't had an overabundance," speaketh Jim Bob Duggar, "but God's
always met our needs." Well, God and basic cable television…
The Duggars are getting ready to move from their old, 2,200-square-foot
rented house into their new 7,000-square-foot house which they will own
debt-free. Yes, dept-free, thanks, in part, to the Discovery Health
Channel who spent two years filming the Duggars in their natural habitat
(haven't seen any of the past episodes, but the next installment is due in
March) and to The Learning Channel who'll be providing us with Zapruder
film intensive coverage of the Duggars taking possession of their new
domicile and whose sponsors will be providing the Duggars with food,
appliances, and trips to Disneyland and a dude ranch (Brokeback Mountain!).
I've also heard a rumor that Animal Planet is planning to air a special in
which zoological experts compare the stench inside the Duggar home to that
of the den of a Madagascar jumping rat.
Has anybody else noticed a significant flaw in Jim Bob's financial master
plan? One unexpected monetary setback and the Duggars, all eighteen of
'em, are screwed, glued, and tattooed. Let's say that l'il Jabba The Hutt
Duggar (all of the kid's names begin with the letter 'J', remember?) gets
The Aids by accidentally catching two seconds of an ad for Queer
Eye on TV, the Duggar's will be broker than Rush Limbaugh leaving an
all-night Pharmacy in a matter of days (that is, of course, if the healing
power of prayer deserts them)
As soon as a get a chance, I'm gonna check out the On Demand listings; if
any episodes of Dungeons and Duggars are available, I'll be sure to
review them.
Just in case you need a little cheering up: WE WON!
In order to celebrate this devastating victory (the Judge
bitch-slapped the former school board saying "the citizens of the Dover
area were poorly served by the members of the Board who voted for the ID
Policy. It is ironic that several of these individuals, who so staunchly
and proudly touted their religious convictions in public, would time and
again lie to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose
behind the ID Policy.") I'll be posting a mini-debunking kit for
Creationism and ID.
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