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12/19/2005: "The Golden Age of Stupidity"
Dirty Stinko Pinko College Type (no doubt with Emo hair) Gets His
Comeuppance!
I, for one, will sleep much better tonight, secure in the knowledge that
the Department of Homeland Security is keeping track of just who's reading
"The Little Red Book" by Mao Tse-Tung.
Last week a student at the hotbed of Commie activity, UMass Dartmouth,
who was working on a history paper on fascism and totalitarianism (and,
by extension, irony) submitted a request for Mao's Sword & Sorcery epic
through the college's library's interlibrary loan program and ending up
with nothing to show for his efforts except a visit from two Federal
agents who informed him that the book is on a "watch list".
Is everybody at the Department of Homeland Security retarded or are they
just trying to find a way to snag those blue parking spots right next to
the Burger Czar by acting like they are? Maybe this is some kind of ploy
to lull the Terrorists into a false sense of security by convincing them
that the United States Government would actually waste its precious
resources on tracking down the five or six Communists who haven't taken
teaching positions at Berkley.
Shit Luther, anybody who would actually take Mao's writings seriously is
already going to own a copy of his Rittle Red Book: they're not going to
borrow one from the library. Look, I went to college with people who
could quote Mao chapter-and-verse; trust me; they only things that they
are a threat to are their parents' bank accounts and dreams for a happy
retirement as well as their own self esteem. As long as one of the chief
requirements for kicking off a Proletarian Revolution remains the ability
to get off the sofa and be somewhere on time, the forces of Capitalism
have nothing to fear from a thirty-five-year-old Grad student in an Angela
Davis t-shirt.
As long as the Department of Homeland Security (the folks who put the
"special" in Special Agent) is monitoring inter-library loans, I'd like
to suggest that they keep an eye on The Harry Potter Series. If even only
three percent of the Fundies out there are right, by the time kids who
read this manual for witchcraft reach book three they're ready to transform
Anytown, USA into the Village of the Damned: the cool original film,
not the crappy remake starring Christopher Reeve before he got paralyzed
by a little more than fear.
Emergency! Tom Cruise Needs Flowers! Stat!
I don't know if the logically challenged crew at the Department of
Homeland Security have added Dianetics to their watch list of
forbidden knowledge, but maybe they should. According to this
article/comedy goldmine in today's LA Times, a former Scientologist is
claiming that she and a couple dozen other Xenu-phobes were once awoken
in the middle of the night, alerted to an "an all-hands situation", and
ordered outside into the rain so that they could plant a meadow of
wildflowers in which Tom Cruise would be able to romp with his then fake
girlfriend, later fake wife, Nicole Kidman.
When you're a major movie star who can't get laid without having to resort
to forcing a bunch of preclears to plant a bed of posies, it's time to
climb down off of Oprah's couch and take a serious look at your life.
"Red Alert! We have an all-hands situation! Tom Cruise can't get it up!
Hurry with those Ricky Martin posters!"
