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12/15/2005: "From Chisum to Jism"
This Christmas Super Jesus Day, millions of families will crowd into
America's movie theaters to watch magnificent beasts locked in a titanic
struggle. Yes. I'm talking about the film Brokeback Mountain (AKA
Bunkhouse Butt Buddies). I'll admit that, at first, the idea of
spending one hundred and twenty minutes of my life watching a pair of
ranch hands "bust a bucking bronco" had about as much appeal to me as
attending Jackie Mason's new one-man play "Oy, look what I found in my
sofa!" My opinion pulled a bootlegger reverse; however, when I learned
that our old, cranky neighbors on the internet, Cuntcerned Women for
America, launched into a Level 9 Hissy Fit over two guys punching butts
instead of cattle. If you boys from the Audiovisual Club are ready with
that projector, roll the footage:
"Although the film reportedly portrays some problems with adultery, it
comes down on the side of 'being who you are,' which means having whatever
perverse and unfaithful relationship you want. Homosexual activists have
openly boasted that they hope this film 'will change minds.' I think I'd
put it differently. If it encourages even one confused boy to engage in
sex with another male, that makes it an instrument of corruption, not one
of enlightenment."
Perverse and unfaithful relationships? An instrument of corruption? Now
that's my kinda film! Honey, hire a sitter; we're going out to the
movies tonight! What? Yes, I know that we don't have any kids, but hire a
sitter anyway, OK? Well, if you must know, why is it that only
cowboys get to use their instruments of corruption to engage in perverse
and unfaithful relationships?
CWfA's review got me wondering if the Puritans over at the C(r)AP Report
had reviewed Brokeback Mountain (AKA The Alahomo) yet, so I surfed
on over to their site and was horrified (get ready to scream) to discover
(ready?) that they are no longer posting reviews of new movies. 
Don't these "people" at the C(R)AP Report realize that those of us who
produce (or attempt to produce, as the case may be) Internet Comedy
consider their reviews our bread and butter? Are they completely unaware
of the hours at the keyboard that they've saved me? Don't they understand
that they're disrupting my traditional (except for that thing with the
babysitter) marriage by forcing my to stay up all night grinding out
mediocre original material instead of instantly creating comedy gold by
simply cutting and pasting sections of their reviews unto this blog?
Honestly, I could spend a week typing away like an infinite number of
monkey and never come up with anything nearly as funny as this exert
from their review of Into The Blue:
A long-time standard parents have used to teach their kids where
others should not touch or see was the areas of the body covered by a
bathing suit. Not 'ny more. At least not by the bathing suits in this
film. The suits, magnified by the use of camera angle to force the
viewer on private parts, appeared for the most part -- what there was
of it -- to be token. It was exhibitionism galore, eye candy for the
young teen boy to plant unclean thoughts and desires in his mind.
That's a whole book's worth of crazy shoved into one tiny paragraph.
Technically, the C(R)AP Report gang haven't quit reviewing movies:
they're just holding the reviews hostage until "adequate funds to cover
ALL expenses are available." Translation: Unless you want your precious
family to settle down for what you thought was a wholesome, ol' fashion
Western only to suddenly be confronted with the sight of two Gay Cowboys
engaged in a very different kind of "shootout" you'd better make with
the donations.
What a shame; especially when things were going so well for the folks who
try their durndest to take the sin out of cinema. How do I know things
were looking up for the celluloid spies? They posted the following
progress report on their site:
And the Seeds are working!
Hate mail has dropped off to a trickle.
Death threats have stopped altogether!
People are asking good questions!
Oddly, those are the exact opposite criteria that I use for
judging the success of RATYHTL.
While the Fundie Film Fans at C(L)AP Report staunchly claim that they
won't be reviewing any new films, they seem to have already made an
exception for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and Two
Gay Cowboys. I, for one, couldn't be happier that enough donations
rolled in to enable the CAPsters to give the wall-to-wall teen sex romp
that is The Chronicles of Narnia the Red Light this sort of
sickening instrument of corruption deserves (and that almost every
movie reviewed by CAP receives). And who could blame them? After all the
film does blatantly depict "children striking out in wintry woods
unsupervised".
Some of you may be aware that The Chronicles of Narnia was
intensely marketed towards Christian groups as an allegory for the New
Testament: even though the author, CS Lewis repeatedly and emphatically
stated that it wasn't. It's great to see that the CAPitalists didn't fall
for this satanic ploy in the same way that the CWfA did. CWfA seem to
have forgotten that CS Lewis was "converted" to "Christianity" by none
other than JRR Tolkien: the man who attempted to replace our Lord, Jesus
Christ, with Aragon the Half-Elf.
Yet, despite its pedigree of evil, CWfA still claim that "Nonbelievers who
venture into Narnia will perhaps wonder why Aslan's sacrifice and
eventual triumph touch them so deeply"
Wrong again, wafferbreath. Nonbelievers who venture into Narnia
will wonder when the Gay Cowboys are gonna show up and get it on.
PS. Add Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman to my Satunalia list.
