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12/05/2005: "Spreading The Love (Cards for 'Tards)"
Hey there drunken hooligans and bushy haired strangers, did you realize
that there are less than two more weeks until Saturnalia? If
you're like me (and soon, thanks to the RATYHTL Cloning Project, everyone
will be), you've spent this week getting ready for The Big Day: December
17th (which, oddly enough, falls on a Saturday this year). One of the
toughest things to get hold of is, of course, a decent image of Saturn
(sadly, the hood ornament from your neighbor's Saturn just won't do).
Fortunately (OK, unfortunately. Very Unfortunately) I spent the years 1978
through 1982 as a Dungeons and Dragons geek and saved all of my
figurines. After many days of searching through dusty cardboard boxes, I
eventually found a Druid figurine (that's him, over on the left) that
should do just fine (now, if I can only find a holiday that incorporates
orcs, trolls, and dwarves, I'll be set for decorations).
As I was making preparations for Saturnalia, I started to think about all
the less fortunate folks who won't be having a Saturnalia this year: the
people blindly taking part in Kevin McCullough's "Send a Christmas Card
to the ACLU" campaign. Sure, many of you bombarded Mr. Musclehead with
Saturnalia (as well as Chanukah and Kwanzaa) Ecards (if you haven't,
Kevin's email address is kmc@wmca.com), but what about Kevin's supporters,
many of whom wouldn't know Saturnalia from Shinola. Are they to be
excluded from the magic of the holiday (Especially now, what with FOX News
saying crazy shit like "The liberals attack on Christmas would cause the
stock market to drop and ruin the American economy" * and wirh Chris
Hitchens kicking ass for our side once again)?
I say, Hell no! And that's why I'm starting my own campaign which I call
Cards for 'Tards.
In an effort to let our reactionary, theocratic, historically challenged
friends know that we're thinking about them at this special time of year,
I've created a new Saturnalia Ecard that incorporates this text:
Saturnalia is a week-long (December 17th through the 23rd) homage to
Saturn, the god of joviality and the sowing of crops, originally celebrated
by the ancient Romans. Saturnalia has traditionally featured the exchanging
of gifts (especially small dolls for the children), feasting, and the
lighting of candles: all of which (along with Saturn himself, who would
re-emerge as Jolly Ol' Saint Nick) were later "borrowed" by the Christian
church.
The next step is, of course, for all of us to send Ecards to the following
folks who have cheered on Musclehead Kevin's efforts (Remember, be nice):
Michelle Malkin. It just wouldn't be Saturnalia if we didn't take a moment
to spread our creamy love all over the smiling face of the woman who made
internment hip again. The Malkmeister's email address is malkin@comcast.net
Ed Driscoll: (Disco Driscoll?) of www.eddriscoll.com can be emailed at
ed@eddriscoll.com
The Citizen Journal's email address is letters@citizen-journal.net
Colonel Steve (Yes, he calls himself Colonel Steve) of Conservative Musings
can be reached at conservative_musings@yahoo.com
If you want to send Ken at Obligatory Antidotes an ecard (and who doesn't),
send it to akabrutus@yahoo.com
Myopic Zeal can be emailed at myopiczeal-at-gmail.com. Be sure to thank
Eric!
Unfortunately, I couldn't find email addresses for some of the supporters
of the incredibly futile "Cards for baby Jesus Haters" campaign, like
Michael from Chasing [Breaking] the Wind. Mike, if you're reading this,
please send me your email address and be sure to get back to work on your
review of What's the Deal with Wicca?
Listen, gentle reader, I don't want to give you the impression that the
people listed above are a bunch of monsters (Well, everyone except for
Malkin who's a vicious, unpleasant cunt). They're basically a bunch of
decent people who've somehow been lead to believe that the nativity scenes
on their lawns are in danger of being confiscated by Jane Fonda and Michael
Moore. Many of them appear to be former Dungeons & Dragon's geeks like your
friend and humble narrator (That's twice now that I've owned up to my past,
so let us never speak of it again).
We all have our minor idiosyncrasies. Shit Luther, I get really pissed off
whenever people confuse the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle with the
Schrodinger' Cat Paradox. I can guaran-gawdamn-tee you that the next person
to make that mistake in my presence is gonna get lit up like Jerry
Falwell's Christmas Holiday Tree.That's why I've included
the following comments with the Ecards I sent out.
Dear ;
Merry Saturnalia! I just wanted to thank you for helping to promote
Kevin McCullough's campaign to thank the ACLU for protecting all of our
rights by sending that venerable organization Xmas cards.
To be honest, at first I was taken aback a little when I learned that so
many Conservatives had banded together to show their gratitude to the ACLU.
I guess, like just about everybody else, I tend to lump the good ol'
fashion well educated, strong-on-individual-rights, tough-on-government-
spending, Conservatives in with their Reactionary brethren (You know, the
sort of Babbitts who don't know that the ACLU has fought for things like
the right for young people to bring Bibles to school and talk about Jesus
in graduation speeches, and for Orthodox Jews to be allowed to wear their
Yarmulkes at work). Hey, I hate it when I get lumped in with those smelly
Liberals in the "Free Mumia" t-shirts who want to ban all guns.
Have a happy holiday, no matter what you celebrate,
Rodney
PS. And, whatever you do, don't do like I did and send out the above
comments with part of the text missing! I only hope that it doesn't make
me look bad in the eyes of the introspective scholars I emailed.
PPS. Sadly, No! (a much better blog than the piece o' shit you've just
been reading) has just heaped a load of shame on to
Musclehead Kevin misshapen head
* Also, many theologians now agree that for every Xbox which goes unsold,
the baby Jesus weeps tears of blood.
