[Previous entry: "Balls To You, Big Daddy"] [Next entry: "Spreading The Love (Cards for 'Tards)"]
12/03/2005: "Blair Despairs and Nobody Cares"
Howdy, gentlemen callers and numismatic enthusiasts. I've been posting
Blair's (Lisa Whelchel's) monthly E-Letters for some time now and, as
you damn well know, I tend to preface each one with a little paragraph
warning you, gentle reader, to prepare yourself for what you are about
to read: Well, not this time; because nothing, and I mean nothing can
prepare you for the assault on your frontal lobes that is Blair's
November Iiiiaaaaeeee-Letter. I once awoke to find myself alone and
under a shrub in a remote section of Mexican desert with only a sketchy
memories of the proceeding week and nothing in my pockets except for a
court order mandating that I must stay at least five hundred feet away
from Winona Ryder, and I was taken aback by the sheer insanity of
Blair's Binary Broadsheet. My wife's pet name for me is "The Bad
Lieutenant" and yet I was forced, midway through Blair's midwinter
manifesto, to turn my gaze heavenward and scream "Why hast thou forsaken
me?"
Many of you have written me (while others have tried to beam their
thoughts directly into my skull) to point out that Blair's behavior seems
to become more and more inexplicable with each E-Letter (which is really
saying something when you consider that the first E-Letter contained the
infamous "poop-filled brownies" story). What can I say other than that my
younger sister, a Psychologist, began to refer to Blair alternately as
"a most interesting specimen" and "one crazy bitch" about four E-letters
ago. At this rate, I'm bound to use the title "Blair Gets a Wild Hair Up
Her Derrière" before Spring.
Anyhoo, at least those of you who've always wondered what the holidays
must've been like in Jonestown are in for a teat.
Igor, through the switch!
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
November 2005 E-Letter
If you have any friends that would appreciate reading this E-letter, please
forward it to them by clicking this link: Send to a Friend
Happy Belated Thanksgiving!
On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid. [OK, stop right there!
As an opening line, "On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid" is
rivaled only by Franz Kafka's "As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning form
uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic
insect" and Donald Barthelme's "Suddenly, rounding the corner, I ran into
the Swedish Army"; except, of course, that Kafka and Barthelme came up
with there opening lines through years of study and hundreds of re-writes,
while Blair merely stumbled onto hers the way a blind squirrel might
stumble upon an acorn…or a landmine.]
On Thanksgiving morning I woke up mad and afraid [form uneasy dreams to
find myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic insect]. I went to
bed the night before having discovered for the second time in a week that
Tucker had watched a movie that would not have been allowed - had he
bothered to ask or even think. On both occasions a friend was spending
the night and brought the DVD over. I understand that it would have been
difficult and embarrassing to say, "Hey, that is not the kind of movie
that I want to watch" or even, "My parents would kill me if I watched that
kind of movie in our home." [Well, I, for one, find it impossible to
believe that someone named Tucker could be less than truthful.]
I'm also not so naïve [Now who would be foolish enough to presume, for
one minute, that a Fundamentalist former child actress who lives in a
Texas suburb could possibly be naïve?] to think that he didn't want
to watch the movies. One was funny, (though inappropriate,) the other was
about Rock and Roll, (and all the worldliness that often accompanies it.)
I was angry that he watched the movies knowing how we, and more
importantly, the Lord would feel about it. I was afraid because I knew the
issue was of the heart.
I began the holiday morning depressed, oppressed, and feeling less than
festive [and with that "not-so-fresh" feeling]. Even the thought
of the upcoming feast couldn't bring me out of my doldrums. Thankfully,
I've learned over the years that when I least feel like worshiping the
Lord is usually the time when I need to the most.
So, I began to think of character traits of the Lord and dwell on them,
rather than the circumstances of this particular morning. God is faithful,
merciful, powerful, loving - to me and my children. I then began to think
of promises in His Word for my children and rest in them rather than in
what I could see or feel or fear in this moment.
I would love to share some of the promises I found just in case you are in
a place with your own children where you could appreciate an encouraging
reminder that it isn't entirely up to us. [Sorry Blair, but my wife and
I have decided to remain childless; however, had we known that kids
occasionally come home with "unacceptable" DVD's, we may've given the
matter a second thought] God is alive and well and powerful and
faithful to move in and on our children's hearts [God, as described by
Blair, sure sounds a lot like Michael Jackson].
[OK, here Blair's list a bunch of quotes from the Bible. She selectively
picks out the "Jesus loves the little children" stuff and omits the stuff
about how you should hate your parents. Since I'm certain that none of
there quotes are going to be helpful to little Tucker (after all, despite
hearing them repeated everyday of his life, he still tried to sneak a copy
of Princess Orgasma and the Magic Bed into the house), I'm just
going to pass along an apple of wisdom I plucked from a Richard Devine
song:
And Girls are honey
But beat your meat
And save your money]
I was so encouraged by these promises that I decided to find some more to
correspond with some of the other anxieties I was currently fighting.
[Ooooh, here's one from Mark 5:13: "And forthwith Jesus gave them leave.
And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd
ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two
thousand;) and were choked in the sea." ]
Steve and I are still recovering from the great financial losses we
incurred trying to get the MomTime Get-A-Ways off the ground the last few
years. We eventually cut our losses and gave the idea to LifeWay to
produce, for which we are very grateful. [Cry me a river, bitch. Now
you know what it's like to be strapped-for-cash in Bush's America: Welcome
to my world, you delusional circus whore.]
Unfortunately, we are still working our way through some loans we took out
for seed money [Ha, ha. Blair cast her bread upon the water and all the
stupid bitch got back was a thousand loaves of soggy bread]. (As well
as some unwise stewardship issues. [I would kill to know the details
behind that sentence. I'd better keep a close eye on The Smoking Gun for
the next few months.]) God has been faithful and we know He will
continue to be faithful but we still occasionally struggle with questions
like, "How? & When?" will this all be behind us. I was encouraged to find
the following Scriptures and I hope they will relieve any worries you may
be carrying in the area of finances.
[This time, Blair bombards here readers (or "reader" as the case may be
) with a buttload of Bible quotations about money which I found to be as
useful as tits on a bull, so I'll just supply my own from Leviticus 11:10
And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of
all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the
waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.
See, God hates shrimp! So you can save tons of money by not buying the
little satanic crustaceans.]
While doing a search in my Logos Bible Software I discovered a few more
promises that I thought might speak to one of you this holiday season. If
you are interested in discovering them, click here to read the rest of my
journal entry from this week.
We have so much to be thankful for! If, for whatever reason, you were
unable to have a happy Thanksgiving, I hope these promises have enabled you
to have a joyous one. Remember, happiness is based on circumstances; joy
is based on the character of God. He is worthy of our praise and
thanksgiving any day. [You know, if you take the bits about God out of
that paragraph, it's kind of a nice sentiment. Shame that Blair pisses all
over by moving on to…]
Christmas Giving (and Getting) Ideas [Cha-ching!]
We are still offering our huge Christmas sale. I've cut most all of the
prices on my books to $10 dollars or under to help make your Christmas
shopping more affordable [Gee, thanks.]. Remember, I will also
autograph any gifts you choose to give. Just put the names [Haywood
Jablowme, Ben Dover and C. Howitt Pheals…] in the "Comments" field on the
order page and I will sign them personally to all of your friends and
relatives.
To take advantage of these prices through Christmas Day click here.
MomTime Getaway in Texas
If you live in or around the Austin, Texas area, have you thought about
asking your husband to send you to the upcoming "MomTime Getaway" in
January? ["asking your husband to send you" What kind of fossilized
bullshit is that? Ladies, have you thought about asking your husbands why
math is so darn hard or whom you should vote (or, for that matter, if you
should even be allowed to vote)?] For more information click here.
