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12/01/2005: "Balls To You, Big Daddy"

[For those of you keeping score, this will be the second day in a row in
which I open by referring to a film populated by drunken college
students.]

In the words of Flounder from Animal House, "Oh boy, this is gonna be
great!"

The good folks at crooksandliars.com (yes, the people who exposed the
true, Jesus-hating, nature of madwoman-behind-the-wheel Laura Bush) have
found Bill O'Reilly's balls. No, not the greasy, little pair he fondles
with a falafel while inserting a …well, you know. crooksandliars.com have
found Bill's Holliday balls:

The O'Reilly Factor Holiday Ornament - Product #:FOX21001200
Put your holiday tree in "The No Spin Zone" with this silver glass
"O'Reilly Factor" ornament.

Oooooh yeah, the man who thinks that anyone caught using the phrase "Happy
Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" should be slapped into an orage
jumpsuit and shipped off to Gitmo has been caught with his balls hanging
out for the whole world to see.

Newsflash: As soon as word got out about Bill's delicate balls,
FOX pulled a Winston Smith and changed the text on the site.

…but wait, there's more…

For the same reason that motorists slow down to gawk at traffic accidents,
today I suffered over to The Blogged Toilet were I found an interesting
tidbit. It seems that some guy named Kevin McCullough has started a
campaign to mail Christmas Cards to the ACLU.

Wow, that's a really sweet thing for Kevin to do. You know, so many Right
Wingers just aren't smart enough to understand that the ACLU fights for
the rights of everyone; Christian, Jew, Peyote-eating Injun, or
Godless Heathen (like me). It's great to see Kevee bucking the trend.

Sadly, the folks Kevin's behind Kevin's website, Crosswalk.com, seem to
lack the access to the millions of dollars and hundreds of Active Server
Page Scientists that we, here at RATYHTL, are privileged to possess,
because they have yet to "develop" an E-card.

Wait! RATYHTL has Saturnalia E-Cards! Golly, we could should Kevin our
appreciation for what he's doing by sending him a Saturnalia E-Card! I bet
he'll be tickled pink.

Here's Kevin's email address: kmc@wmca.com

Remember to be extremely polite (I'm serious). I don't want Kevin to think
that we're a bunch of violent losers like the husband of a certain
pugnacious Pacific Islander.


Wisdom From My Wife:

Regarding yesterday's piece about the FCC cracking down on cable and
satellite television (which I should've titled "Satellite of Lust"),
Vienna had the following thought:

"When I see Pat Robertson on TV, I change the channel; I don't call a
Congressional Hearing. Why can't these idiots do the same when they see
something they don't like?"

PS. Don't miss this weekend's blog. One word: Blair!

Replies: 14 Comments

on Thursday, December 1st, ERIC said

I ENJOY THIS SITE OH SO MUCH. ALWAYS ENTERTAINING RODNEY THANKS FOR YOUR GLORIOUS WORDS OF WISDOM

on Thursday, December 1st, billzebub said

I hooked that guy up with a Ramadan e-card and a Kwanzaa e-card as well.

on Friday, December 2nd, ebbv said

Re: Vienna's thought

Well because in their minds once you've seen the titties changing the channel won't "un-see" them. So the titties have to not be there in the first place.

I think it's about time we come up with a Final Solution for Christian Fundamentalists.

BTW - So glad you're back to blogging Rodney.

on Friday, December 2nd, Rodney said

"I hooked that guy up with a Ramadan e-card and a Kwanzaa e-card as well."

That's the HOLIDAY spirit! I hope you were polite.

on Friday, December 2nd, billzebub said

Yeah, I'm a Southerner, remember. We are gentlemen even when we're lynching someone.

I did use the pseudonymns "Akbar" and "Tyrone" for those e-cards, however.

on Friday, December 2nd, irrelevant said

'Thank you for supporting religious freedom and the American Civil Liberties Union. The idea of generously sending Holiday cards is catching on everywhere. This should prove to be a very giving season of Holiday spirit.

God bless~

Christopher Moore'

i copied it before i listed a bunch of seasons' greetings, including Christmas, Channukah, Seijin no hi, Kwanza, the Winter Solstice, Tenno Tanjobi (which I guess doesn't apply here, really since our emperor isn't.. well, nevermind...), Saturnalia (obviously, as shown by the card) 3 kings day, and other winter occaisions which, thanks to the freedom given us in our country, we as individuals or groups are able to celebrate as we wish.

I really meant it too.

Winter's a difficult season to go through. Poetically and i suppose scientifically, it's always been the season of death. The trees are bare, the grass is 'dead', nothing grows, bugs die and animals hybernate.

Everyone could use a card or two to remind them that other people are thinking of them.

Also the suicide rate goes up.

BTW, do we still have a war going on? All this talk about festive happy winter celebration almost made me forget.

on Friday, December 2nd, billzebub said

Bugs dying is a positive thing.

on Friday, December 2nd, MrStinky said

The problem with Pat "kill dem non-Christian leaders" Robertson is thus. My wife and I were flipping through the channels and happened upon the 700 Club. We immediately went to change it, and laser beams shot out of Pat's eyes and somehow froze our tv, so we were unable to change the channel or turn it off. Luckily, I had a baseball bat handy. Need to buy a new tv now, though. Maybe we should petition the govt to get rid of Pat. Who knows what he'll do next?

on Friday, December 2nd, Rodney said

“BTW, do we still have a war going on?” Yeah, until Bush comes up with a plan for Iraq that’s a little more detailed than “Jeebuz told me everything would be OK”, maybe we, as a nation, should scale back on the Holly-Jolly stuff.

on Friday, December 2nd, crapmonkey said

i can hardly wait for the blair post. *squeals*

on Friday, December 2nd, eric said

i'm thinkin blair should run for office

on Saturday, December 3rd, surfin_cow222 said

hmmmmmm.... vienna is quite right... and the world is full of enough REAL offensive bullshit. lately i think i almost need a media-vacation. too much fucking negativity. we should all run naked in the streets or something of that nature. it would be a good break in all this seriousness, and it would piss off pat robertson. cheers!

on Saturday, December 3rd, briannirvana said

hey blair i bet you gargle with rusty nails in the morning and i bet you have a lock on your trap.

on Saturday, December 3rd, irrelephant said

http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html

a squirrel's view of the merry christmas vs. happy holidays thing.

I don't think running naked in the streets would help you in your media detox, but if you want to do it anyway...

you can always try county jail, where you have to literally fight for your right for teeeee veeeeee!!! (since other people usually hog it, and you have to usurp control of the holy 'up and down' channel)