11/30/2005: "But why should you have to?"
In one of the over 200,000 great scenes in the film Eurotrip (truly the
Citizen Kane of Teen Sex Comedies), Cooper turns on a TV set in Germany
and sees an orange juice ad featuring two topless lesbians (sadly, the
set-up for this joke was cut from the film but you can catch it during
the closing credits. Scotty doesn't know. Scotty doesn't know. Scotty
doesn't knoooooooow.). I've watched a lot of TV while vacationing and
touring in Europe (it's OK, because I balance my tube time by going to a
museum or two) and I can attest to the fact that the aforementioned scene
is the most accurate depiction of European television ever filmed:
GOD BLESS YOU, PRODUCERS OF EUROTRIP!
Since Europe has a lower murder rate coupled with a higher literacy rate
and a higher standard of living (and, of course, all the fun stuff that
can be found in the real Euro-Disney: Amsterdam) you'd think that
there'd be a movement underway somewhere, other than on this website, to
model American television more on its slutty European cousin: you know;
less killing and more "ooba-dooba". Instead, the exact opposite is
happening. Earlier this week, the FFC warned cable and satellite
program providers to protect kids from the sight of titties on TV or risk
the return of the Inquisition.
That's right, the government of a nation-at-war actually found time in
which to conduct hearings over rather or not catching two minutes of a
Sex in the City re-run on TBS might cause some little recess monkey's
tender skull to explode. That's the bad news. One bit of good news is
that these hearings provided a jaded world with a new set of wonderfully
"You can always turn the television off and, of course, block the channels
you don't want, but why should you have to?" That piece of stellar wisdom
was provided by FCC Chairman Kevin Martin who has also stubbornly refused
to turn off his blender after making strawberry dackeries and has never,
to my knowledge, closed the door to his house, even when he saw a bear
rummaging through his garbage: sure, he could have, but why should he have
Senator Mark Pryor (the only man in Arkansas with a "picture box")
testified that he's "scared to death" each time his kids turn on the TV.
He's also a little jumpy around "coloreds". On Wednesday, Mark signed on
to a bill co-sponsored by Sam Brownback (Republican, Kansas) and Joe
Lieberman (Democrat, Israel) that would increase existing FCC indecency
fines ten-fold to a maximum of 325,000 per incident of titties or titty-
like behavior. "In a media culture that increasingly pushes the envelope
on sex and violence, the role of the FCC is to ensure that broadcasters
do not cross that line of decency," whined Lieberman while ensuring that
the next season of Deadwood is gonna suck Bronto.
"We're only talking about restrictions on indecency from 6AM to 10PM,"
squeaked Frank Wright, head of the National Religious Broadcasters, in
the most effeminate way possible. That might not be such a bad thing if
A) we weren't talking about cable and satellite television: to which people
subscribe B) from 10PM to 6AM an "Anything (and I mean 'Anything')
goes" policy is adopted. C) I didn't have to go to bed at 10PM so that I
can get up at 6Am to go to my crappy job.
Oh, and (according to reason.com) some (no doubt obese) woman from the
Christian Coalition said some crazy shit about how she shudders for her
country when she reflects that God loves only the Disney Channel.
One possible outcome of Fucking Crybaby Fest '05 (as future generations
will, undoubtedly, call these hearings) might be the advent of "Cable Ala
Carte": a system that would let users to subscribe to only the channels
On the surface, this sounds like a great idea. I, for one, am forced to
pay for two Spanish language channels. Since I don't speak a word of
Spanish (and very few of English), the only show I'm able to fully
appreciate is Caliente; and that's only because that program is
broadcast in the "international language: Sexy, sexy women in tiny, tiny
bikinis. But think for a moment about how the ability to choose what
channels you want might mean an end to the late-night serendipity
encountered while channel surfing. If I hadn't been forced to subscribe
to BET (I, like Senator Mark Pryor, am a little jumpy around "coloreds".)
I would've never encountered the 3AM Bacchanalia that is Uncut.
And think about the myopic worldviews that'll only be worsened when crazy
old rednecks are allowed to only subscribe to FOX News and the Tractor Pull
Network, and smelly hippy chicks who will now be allowed to only pay for
the Independent Film Channel and Lifetime.
Thank you, but I like my TV just the way it is.
WAR ON CHRISTMAS UPDATE
House Speaker Dennis Hastert (Republican, Satan's Asshole) today
recommended that the annual Capitol Holiday Tree, as it has been
called the past several years, be renamed the Capitol Christmas Tree.
"I strongly urge that we return to this tradition and join the White
House, countless other public institutions and millions of American
families in celebrating the holiday season with a Christmas tree",
bubbled Hastert from a pool of his own filth.
OK, three quick thought:
One: Since the Supreme Court has ruled that Christmas Trees are
secular symbols, I couldn't give a rat's ass what Hastert calls it.
Two: If I did give a rat's ass about what they should be called, I'd
insist that they be called "Balder Trees", since Christians swiped the
idea from Norse Pagans.
Three: Hastert molests hairless mole-rats.